ABP Episode Recap – S04:E04 Growing The WolfPack

Alaskan Bush People phone systemI guess DuhVinciNoah took this episode off because Mutt takes over his job of inventing completely useless items. The narrator tells us that the Brownklownz need to rebuild Browntown, but since they apparently have a construction crew to do that for them when they are away, they can focus on building important things like a rubber-tube phone system.

Bum’s attitude pretty much sums it up. Why do they need to use a phone system made of hoses? Why not just use their cell phones?

We see several short cutaway scenes showing the Brownklownz performing various tasks around the island.

s4e4-2Next they focus on ExtremeBore who wants to finish his tree-house in time for them to leave Browntown again. I’m not at all convinced ExtremeBore did this himself. If you look at the framing of the tree-house, it’s done with precisely measured and secured lumber. The only thing we see him do is attach some scrap pieces of wood to the side with a couple of nails? Really? You do precision work on the frame but phone in the siding? Yep, you Brownklownz build everything yourselves, by golly!

Next, Bum and Wolverine go into Hoonah to do work for BullshitBilly’s friend Trapper. Trapper’s boat looks like it’s barely sea-worthy. It’s name is appropriate… The SS Tetanus.

They head out to sea and begin fishing for salmon. I think Trapper and the Skaflestad family are hoping for a spin-off given their screen time.

s4e4-3Cut to DuhVinciNoah who has ‘unfinished experiments’ he needs to work on in his Tent of Horrors! Get this… He’s making ‘hand warmers’! Something you can buy at just about any store in Alaska for under a buck, but this moron wastes ten times that on superglue and rubbing alcohol so he can mix them together and make a ‘bush’ hand-warmer. If anyone truly believes this deluded simpleton is a genius, you need to buy a Louisville Slugger and hire someone to beat some sense into you.

The DuhVinciNoah segments are quickly becoming my favorites… For all the wrong reasons. BTW, what happened to the moss experiment?

Now back to The Trapper Show featuring Bum and Wolverine. After laying out the gear to catch the King Salmon, Trapper tells Wolverine the story of how they met.

s4e4-4Trapper says that a long time ago in a bush far, far away, his boat was stolen. BullshitBilly apparently bought the boat and fixed it up, which I think is a lie because BullshitBilly NEVER fixes anything up, it just becomes more dirty and worn down.

As luck would have it BullshitBilly heard that Trapper was looking for his boat so he returned it to him. Instead of asking for an arrest, he thanked BullshitBilly believing that it was all an honest mistake. We know Trapper isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he isn’t even in the drawer!

s4e4-5BullshitBilly dispenses more hypocritical words of bullshit wisdom, trying to convince us he’s an honest man.

Now cut to the Hallmark moment where BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi take a walk so they can have a private talk… With cameras in tow. He pleads the one side of his story to tell her he wants to connect with his daughter Twyla from his first wife.

Despite this news being in the script, he decides to tell the children his plan to have her visit the island. But before that, we are treated again to Mutt and his dump buddy Kenny “Can I please Be On TV” Skaflestad. Mutt wants to build a barbecue grill to impress his new found half sister.

s4e4-6They search and search, walking over several things that would work as a grill. Mutt makes a phrasing error when he tells Kenny that he likes dumps in the morning.

Back to the filming location. ExtremeBore decides to become Batman by inventing blades that come out of your jacket. I swear to God these ‘adults’ have the mental maturity of a 6 year old. He thinks it would be cool to be a cat because they have extreme claws that come out of their paws. He also thinks it would be cool if he were a choo-choo train.

BullshitBilly gathers the Brownklownz around the fire to talk about having Twyla visit their shantytown. They are OK with it because it means another Brownklown to share the work. We don’t hear the other side of the story but BullshitBilly makes it sound like he’s been trying to reach her the whole time.

s4e4-7Bum asks how old she is. We find out that she’s 44. SpotlessAmi is 52. This means that when BullshitBilly had his first daughter, SpotlessAmi was 8 years old. 7 years later he married someone that was pretty close to the age of his daughter. But hey, he’s a great family man!

SpotlessAmi, who is certifiably nuttier than squirrel turds, tells her slurred-speech chuds that to her, “…she will always be our daughter.” So… Someone you’ve never met that’s close to your own age will always be your ‘daughter’. Good Lord.

In another waste of ten minutes we see ExtremeBore and Wolverine trying to build a mechanical bull out of an oil drum, rope, and springs. Wait… Where is DuhVinciNoah during all of this inventing that’s going on? Surely they should consult their certified bush genius on these matters!

Oh well. They slap together an incredibly unsafe and barely functioning mechanical bull. When Wolverine sits on the barrel, it immediately hits the ground, not able to support his weight. Despite this, ExtremeBore declares it works perfectly!

s4e4-8Cut to another special moment where BirdBrain and AcidRain have a chat about their new sister using… get this… sign language only they understand! The ‘professionals’ at ParkSlop piece together bits of them flapping their arms around and pointing to various parts of their head and shoulders, which despite being short and simple have fairly complex and lengthy meanings. Thankfully for those of us that aren’t ‘bush’, they put subtitles at the bottom of the screen so we can be let into their secret world. Good Lord.

In one laughable piece of bullshit, BirdBrain is shown waving her hands back and forth, to which ParkSlop informs us means, “It’s different and unusual.” In the lower 48 it means Jazz Hands… Or a plea for an Epi-pen. They also try and convince us that tapping your head means, “Everything we know.” Unbelievable. Couldn’t it also mean, “I have a headache?“, “Look at my hat“, “DUH!“, and about a hundred other interpretations? But hey, this is bush sign language, dammit! Just believe it and shut up.

They decide to teach Twyla their secret sign language. They never get to do that because it’s all bullshit and doesn’t exist.

Back to Mutt who had to remove his Zombie Apocalypse window grating to make his special barbecue grill. It seems like it’s pretty big, way too big in fact for a grill.

s4e4-9BullshitBilly, ExtremeBore, and Wolverine wait for Twyla on the shore. Her plane comes in and she steps off. They scuttle her off to the filming location where she is in for the shock of her life.

Twyla’s entrance to the filming location is pretty uneventful. They show her around the shantytown, pointing out all of the sadness and despair that surround them and their kids. BullshitBilly tries telling her that everything used to build their house was brought there from the beach on their backs. Hmmm, he forgot to mention it also arrived via a Ketchikan construction company! Probably just an oversight.

Next ExtremeBore and Wolverine show her their mechanical bull. You can tell she’s underwhelmed, so cut away to Mutt showing Wolverine his special barbeque sauce. Good thing he used a HUGE grate to cook a half-rack of ribs.

s4e4-11Next, BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi take her out to the woods for a chat. Every shot of SpotlessAmi looks eerie and disturbing. The dead-behind-the-eyes stare and that creepy grin should have sent her running.

She talks about her daughter getting killed in a car crash, which she says is what motivated her to connect with her family. Her story was sad, but of course BullshitBilly laments the fact that ‘yeah, she lost a daughter, but I lost a grand-daughter!’ Yep, it’s all about you BullshitBilly.

On a lighter note, ExtremeBore finishes his Batman costume. He is now the envy of every 8 year old boy out there.

Ami's revolver turns into a semi-autoGet ready for this next bit of bullshit that was actually caught on camera… SpotlessAmi takes Twyla to the bush shooting range where she shows off her big .44 revolver. Twyla actually fires the big gun, as shown on camera. After Twyla fires the revolver, Ami loads it, and just as she fires it… PRESTO! It’s a semi auto! WHAAAAAAAT? I don’t think she even fired it! They show her holding it, then cut to the target where we hear a ‘bang’ (which sounds just like the .44 fired earlier by Twyla), then cut back to Ami’s new gun which is pulled back, indicating it’s empty. No smoke or kickback, just SpotlessAmi putting it down before unsuspecting viewers see the deception. I guess a big city girl like Twyla can handle a frontier revolver but Ami needed to use a small caliber semi auto just to appear ‘bush’? How can this be?

After SpotlessAmi’s magic trick, she creepily tells Twyla that she would be honored if she called her ‘mom’. How sickening, disgusting, and delusional on SpotlessAmi’s part, although I think ParkSlop edited out some of her statement. What she probably said was, “…Thanks to your 26 year old father marrying me when I was 15, I’m barely 8 years older than you… And despite the immense psychological damage I’ve done to my own children, I’d be honored if you called me mom.

Now back to the filming location where Mutt’s paltry piece of barbecue manages to feed ten Brownklownz! Good thing the ParkSlop craft services tent contributed.

In the preview for next weeks episode, it looks like there was work to be done because BullshitBilly hurts himself (again). Once again the ParkSlop narrator tries to elicit a sense of urgency and concern as he tells us that the family’s lifestyle is at stake (again). Yawn.

Let’s see what turd of a show they deliver next week on Alaskan Bullshit People!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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11 Responses to ABP Episode Recap – S04:E04 Growing The WolfPack

  1. Kris says:

    I just got my whole life reading this. SPOT ON. Hilarious insanity yet can’t stop watching. You summed it up PERFECTLY! It’s tragic, sad and entertaining all in the same breath. Between the sign language and Amy saying “call me mom” you have to wonder how much they’re paying Twyla, because I’d of run the hell outta there…

  2. Rocio says:

    I creeped around and found this interesting interview of Twila* http://www.ebarrelracing.com/bios/twila.html Love your site!

    • Beavis says:

      Awesome find! Thank you for sharing. I’ll have repost it because I tried googling and searching for anything on her back a few weeks ago when her name was released but found nothing.

  3. Gruntkid says:

    What kills me is they could have easily turned the barrel… er I mean mechanical bull into a grill. Just cut it in half and put a grate on top. That would also mean when the bear comes through to destroy Brown Town at the end of the year they wouldn’t be able to be moan losing it.

    • Beavis says:

      I never thought of that. You see those types of homemade grills all the time. DuhVinciNoah probably used their real grill to build something useless that’s now at the dump.

  4. Parah Salin says:

    I’ve stopped watching the show and only come HERE for the REAL entertainment.
    Maybe Park Slop will see the potential of an ABP-Rewind where you can critique the episodes. I’d watch that!

  5. lakerman1 says:

    Twila killed her daughter and her ‘friend’ by crashing her pickup truck into a tree, down in Texas.

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