Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S06:E02 Bear With Us

Another week, another diaper load of crap from ParkSlop and Discoverup!

Matt Brown eats mushroomsThe episode starts with Mutt showing us a well known bush delicacy, a mushroom that tastes just like chicken… Except it tastes nothing like chicken. In fact it’s so rancid he spits it out. Not even 30 seconds into this shitshow and already it’s full of useless non-bush knowledge. I’m learning so little!

Next we see ExtremeBore and BirdBrain guarding their rented cow from a bear. I guess the Security People listed in the credits had the night off?

The narrator retells how this bush family lived off the grid for the last 30-something years and blah blah blah.

Cut to Mutt. He’s still after the deer from last episode. He starts fishing because he’s hungry. I guess the multi-person ParkSlop film crew following him didn’t bring enough to share.

This episode is littered with flashback scenes of shit that happened last episode! C’mon. Mutt catches one and celebrates like an immature child. I guess I could just say he celebrated like a Brown since they are the same thing.

Next, we see ExtremeBore wearing his bush Thriller jacket and collects the morning bounty of eggs. Along comes BirdBrain to help. The hapless moron smacks the eggs in order to break them. This means the eggs and shells are all mixed together producing another shit-tasting delicacy from these non bush people.

Back to poor Mutt. He finds a tree that is about a foot tall with the bottom 6 inches of bark removed. He explains that he must be close to deer because they use these trees to sharpen their antlers. How friggin’ tall is the deer? It would have to be ExtremeBore-sized!

Anyway, I call EXTRA bullshit on this next part where ParkSlop apparently hired Zapruder to film his “shooting” of the deer. We see quick, changing shots of Mutt, the deer, trees, none of which are in the SAME SHOT! But hey, let’s go with the bullshit.

Mutt fires a shot at nothing and then delivers his line, “It’s down!” We don’t see hide nor hair of the deer until Mutt shows up at it’s final resting place.

Mutt cleans the deer quickly so as not to attract bears. He pulls out the deer’s lungs and exclaims it’s the ‘kidneys’. No it’s not. Here’s a photo of a deer’s kidneys! How in the hell do these ParkSlop idiots sleep at night knowing they are producing the biggest bullshit show of all time? God help any hapless viewer that actually tries to use any of their ‘bush knowledge’ in a real life situations. They’ll die!
He explains that they don’t eat the heart. Something about showing bush respect to the bush deer that gave it’s bush life. I guess the bullshit they spewed in the second season when they shot the deer and ate the heart wasn’t bush after all? I need a chart to keep up with what’s bush and not bush week after week.

In an effort to keep bears away, he smears the deer’s blood on his face because it’s bush. I guess the trained bear following him won’t smell that particular blood. Good thing a few ParkSlop people are with him filming.

Mutt throws the gutted carcass over his shoulder and says he wants to make it home before dark.

Now on to the ExtremeBore show. He and AcidRain (whose full name is Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer-Schmidt) decide to get some extreme berries so he can extremely paint his extreme tree-house. Wow… A 26 year old man living in a tree house 30 feet from his parents… How is he still extremely single? I feel like such a fool raising my kids in a stable household, sending them to college, and watching them pursue their own dreams and ambitions. What a mistake. Clearly all of the Brownchuds have such a brighter, more fulfilling future ahead of them.

He picks some red berries because red is extreme. He doesn’t want pink or purple because that would make him look less like a “man” than having berry red walls. Never mind the fact his actions, demeanor, height, lack of education, and extreme immaturity makes him the envy of every six year old out there, it’s not having red walls that will make people think less of him.

Next we see BirdBrain and Wolverine cleaning the cow. I use the word ‘clean’ sparingly because they really only rub it down with a small sponge. Wolverine hopes the cow shit is mud so as not to dirty his new WalMart clothes.

Uh-oh’s! What’s this? A bear is coming towards the cow. Wolverine and Bum walk along side the trained bear. As they approach, Wolverine tries to be ek-shtreem like his mentally deficient brother, ExtremeBore, but he does it with the grace and precision of a dump truck.

Next, BullshitBilly comes out of hibernation to once again instruct his dull-witted adult children to do work for him. He tells them to build a barn for the cow so it will be protected from bears. Wolverine takes the lead since we haven’t had a Wolverine-centric episode for a while.

Back to Mutt. He decides that dragging the deer on the ground is a bad idea. He wraps it in a tarp and drags it along the ground. Much better.

Cut to Scami who waddles out from the filming location cabin to talk with DuhVinciNoah. He walks out and immediately goes into smarm-mode as he pulls out a stick and puts it in his mouth, like he’s sooooo fuckin’ cool!

Scami wants a butter churn because getting butter at the WalMart’s in Seattle, Colorado, New Mexico, and now Las Vegas is too much trouble. ParkSlop then strokes this barely functioning simpleton’s ego by letting him drone on and on about how much of a genius he is and how his inventions are cutting edge technology. He states that, “I’ve always been the ‘create-it’ kind of guy.” I think he misspoke and meant to say he’s the ‘create-SHIT’ kind of guy since none of the garbage he ‘invented’ over the last 5 seasons is anywhere to be seen in practical use.

ParkSlop shows footage of him having an epileptic attack… Oh wait, sorry, that’s him practicing his Tai-Cheesey. Christ, how embarrassing. Someone should tell him that everyone watching this smug, blubbery, androgynous douchebag shuffle along the beech is laughing at him! Wait… Don’t tell him. It’s great entertainment.

Alaskan Bush People - Noah the inventorGet this. He claims that building a butter churn is not, “Rocket Science… But I do do that as well.” I shit you not, the delusional moron actually thinks he’s a rocket scientist. Lighting Roman Candles doesn’t count as Rocket Science you smarmy piece of shit! What an annoying fuckstick. I swear to Christ if I ever met him in person I’d punch him so hard in his man-boobs he’d have cancer by nightfall.

I’m back. I had to take an extra blood pressure pill after discussing DuhVinciNoah.

Back to the barn raising. Wolverine gets a little greedy and wants to do all the construction so they can finish by nightfall. Let me get this straight… They’re going to build a barn… by nightfall. Okaaaayyyyyy. Good thing ParkSlop brought in a bunch of pre-cut lumber for the job! Oh well, I’m sure the Construction Crew will really build it for them when the camera’s aren’t looking.

After the commercial, the construction crew has been busy. The barn is now professionally framed, as opposed to being framed by three idiots that have no clue.

Cut to Scami and BullshitBilly trying to use DuhVinciNoah’s butter churn. They dump some of the cream from the cow. Wait… It’s a dry cow! How did they get mil… Never mind. It barely works and will be discarded as soon as the ParkSlop director yells, “CUT!”

This next part is so sickening. I literally had to throw up watching Scami and BullshitBilly churn the butter. It’s starts out innocent enough but then gets sickening beyond belief.

If you just listen to the audio, it sounds like you’re watching a bad porno on Cinemax at 3AM. I mean, I guess that’s what they sound like I’ve never seen one :). Here’s a transcript.

Scami: “You have cream ALL over you!”
BullshitBilly: “And I’m lovin’ every minute of it!”
Scami: “Do I have cream all over me?”

Those two spill more cream than Michael J. Fox making coffee!

Scami then starts to talk about how lucky she is that a lazy, horse stealing 26 year old grifter caught her eye when she was 15. She claims that when she first saw him walk into their house she thought, “Boy is he good looking!”

Good looking? Are you kidding? Here’s a picture of the dirtbag she thought was Soooooo attractive. Wow, Scami, I can see how you would have fallen for a catch like that!

Do fans of this shitshow realize that she was only 15? And he was 26? How come they never bring that up? All they talk about is what a great father and husband he is. He should be on Dateline’s To Catch A Predator, not fawned over by gullible fans!

Scami then gets a scary look in her eye. No, not her contorted-face eye, I mean like the kind of look the women in those Viagra commercials give the men. BAARRRRFFFF! Shit, sorry I did it again. She then looks wantingly at BullshitBilly and puts her hand on his shoulder. He gives her a look like h…. BAARRRRFFFF!

For Christ sake, ParkSlop, GO TO THE NEXT SCENE! Please! In the name of all things holy!

Ah, back to ExtremeBore and AcidRain. AcidRain makes a paint roller out of leaves and pine needles. Wait, I thought DuhVinciNoah was the inventor? Oh well. The two slap on the mixture of berries and are able to cover a small portion of ExtremeBore’s tree house. Wait… Won’t the berry smell attract bears? Shit, let’s hope so!

ExtremeBore claims it’s a ‘masterpiece’… of shit!

Ami Brown talks about meeting BillyBack to Mutt and the multi-person film crew following him. He decides to fire a warning shot at the bear that’s supposedly following him. Wait, no he doesn’t. Yawn.

The screen capture doesn’t do it credit. Watching it in real time really shows the outline.

Back in Browntown, Wolverine is distraught because the construction crew didn’t get the barn finished. He decides to stay out all night and watch over Sabrina. BirdBrain comes out to sit with him. She brings some of the cream BullshitBilly and Scami ‘churned’ earlier and they eat it on some bread. He claims it’s so good it doesn’t taste like butter?!?!

Cut to Mutt. He makes camp and decides to hunker down for the night. He starts whining about how tough it is walking through the bu… Wait a minute! ParkSlop fucked up again. They got the headlights of their Jeep in the picture! Yep, Ol’ Mutt’s really roughing it out there with a fully mobile film crew.

He hangs the deer up and starts a fire using the fat from inside the deer as an accelerant. Ha ha ha HA HA HA ha.

In the short segment, AcidRain and ExtremeBore play some scripted bullshit game called ‘Kick The Bucket’. Wow, how original.

The next day, the barn-raising continues. BirdBrain stands on Wolverine’s shoulder. She asks him to scoot left. She clarifies by saying, “MY left.” Sadly, they’re the same thing since they are facing the same direction.

Finally, Mutt returns home. He talks about how proud he is that he followed the script and ‘hunted’ a deer and brought it back to provide for his useless chud parents.

To celebrate, they cook up the deer and have a bush feast! Wait a minute… How ‘bush’ is this feast when they have numerous WalMart sundries like French Fries, dinner rolls, and baked beans! Scami’s magic pantry bowl was sure working overtime! What a crock of bullshit.

That’s all I can stomach for now. Stay tuned next week for another turd-filled episode recap! Until then , let’s thank the construction crew for building the barn, the safety crew for watching out after Mutt and Sabrina, and the qualified boat captains that keep the SS Grifter from being scuttled!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

Tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Vita Springs Leaderboard

13 Responses to Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S06:E02 Bear With Us

  1. lakerman1 says:

    Good review. Let me add some basics to your writing.
    A basic law of physics, offered by Newton, is that for every action there is an oppoaite and equal reaction.
    In this case, when Matt shoots a gun, it will kick back against him. But when he pretends to take a shot at the deer, his rifle goes off in a direction to his right.
    Then, 17 miles from ther fake browntown, he starts to drag the deer towards ‘home.’ And, oddly enough, Park Slop stays to film a bear eating the deer guts.
    Then, Matt, eyes glazed from his medications, makes it 14 miles through dense forest, carrying a deer??
    And he tells us he doesn’t know where he is, hangs the deer improperly so it can’t drain, and builds a FIRE NEXT TO THE DEER! That was so aSTONISINGLY STUPID AND INSULTING… Let’s rot the deer meat, after rolling it up in the tarp!
    As for the barn for the cow – how can an 8 foot tall , or so, barn. with no roof, just a tarp, with flimsy tin panels, protect a cow from bears? And if there was such a rush to build it, why were two of the mentally challenged children smearing berry juice in the tree house? And why were Ami and Billy churning butter? Were they going to recreate the scene from Last Tango In Paris, the way Marlon Brando used the buitter? And why couldn’t the simpleton children cut pieces of flimsy tin regularly, to make the fake walls on the cow barn? Does anyone really believe the cow is protected from the bears, with that structure?
    And where the hell are they keeping the ‘three gallons’ of milk the dry old cow is producing daily? Don’t they realize the milk will spoil, daily?
    The Discovery people just don’t seem to care about accuracy or continuity. E#ating the deer’s heart was, as noted, done in a past season. And the daughters cut the boys’ hair in previous seasons. It seems they want to intentionally make shit up to insult us.
    And the crowning glory in the episode was Billy7, near the end, saying ‘I always wanted my children to have it better than I did.’
    So, Billy, you lived a wonderful life up to age 16, when your parents and sister died in YOUR DAD’S PRIVATE airplane, so to make things bettetfor yopur children, you moved them into a one room shack????
    Beam me up, Scotty…

  2. Steve AKA 'Reality Observer' says:

    Oh man, I totally agree… The butter churning scene was most likely the worst ever in the history of this show… Please, never EVER show them alone again ……..

  3. Parah Salin says:

    I have the same reaction to Noah-it-all.
    The saddest thing is when my wife said to me “he’s wicked smaaahhht” (she is from Boston). She was serious! I told her he needs a helmet.
    If anyone STILL has any doubts about this ongoing, lying, scam of a show just come up to Boston. It’s about 16 degrees right now. Spend one day outside in that cold and then ask yourself if these grifters are capable of surviving ‘in the bush’.

  4. lakerman1 says:

    Just one more thing. Medicated Matt was using an open face spinning reel to catch that salmon. ROD IS HELD SO THAT THE REEL IS ON THE BOTTOM, NOT THE TOP, MATT, YOU DUNCE.

  5. Jon says:

    Great work, you missed one thing, that stupid “night vision” googles that the idiot “creates” by taking two helmets and a yoga mat bought from Goodwill and cutting a hole in the helmets and mounting a camera with a nightvision function in it, then he procedes to gloat and sell that he created a set of nightvision googles from “scratch”, lol….

  6. T-Tommy says:

    Love your recaps. Great catch on the Jeep. I went back and watched it again and finally got my pause-button working. I assume Mutt’s “10 or 15” mile hike was recorded somewhere where near the filming location so the crew could haul their equipment.

  7. Connie says:

    Most fake show EVER on TV!! Just one of a thousand things that don’t ring true on this show: we are supposed to believe that Billy (AKA Wiley Cayote) and magician/knight/biker/Willy Wonka Noah got so fat eating deer meat, fish, berries??? Seriously? I think they are over-stuffing with fast food and Lodge food!! Pizza, cheeseburgers, fries, cakes, cookies, pies, pasta, fried chicken, potatoes, bread, tacos, etc! The producers of this farce must think people are very stupid. Well, some of them are. They are the ones who watch this show without being able to see through all the BS. And there is a never/-ending supply of it.

    • Beavis says:

      “magician/knight/biker/Willy Wonka Noah” LOL

      Good call on the weight gain. He and BirdBrain have really plumped up in the off season. Thank you for the comment!

      • lakerman1 says:

        Hey, Beavis, I deserve credit for pointing out Birdbrain’s weight gain, first!
        (Just kidding – I’m getting psyched for tonight’s episode where the brownclowns purportedly ‘make dynamite and blow up a rock.’)
        I can hardly wait…

  8. Corrie says:

    I love this show! I don’t care if it’s fake, it’s just hilarious! Sometimes all you need is some light entertainment and this is perfect for that.

    Mutt doesn’t want anyone to go with him….only the five or six film crew, of course. I bet he got sure got lots of time to ‘think’ and be on his own, right? Hilarious!

    Is there a point to AcidRain? She’s so boring. I just don’t believe she isn’t at school for most of the year.

    It would be great if some redneck went and ‘stole’ AcidRain from BulshitBilly.Now that would make great ‘reality tv’.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *