Alaskan Bush People Epsiode Recap S06:E05 One Brown Down

Matt Brown makes coffeeWell, here we are. Another week another bullshit packed episode of Alaskan Bullshit People.

Same as last week. This episode was so boring and uneventful so there’s not much to riff on.

Let’s dive right in. In the opening scene, Mutt shows how he makes coffee on a boat. Cuz… Y’know, he’s a seasoned fisherman. I suspect that’s not coffee he was wanting.

When we left off last week, we saw the SS Grifter was out in ‘open ocean’ facing mildly inclement weather. The chuds are barfin’, Scami is bithin’, and BullshitBilly is Bullshittin’.

Let’s recap the bullshit so far. The Brownklownz are offered a free skiff if they do two simple hauling jobs involving a 300-mile journey. They are to deliver 2 septic tanks and then tow a staged seaplane about 20 feet to the dock.

They drop off the septic tanks pre-filled… With DVD copies of their shitshow! One point to keep in mind, the narrator tells us that this stranded seaplane needs to be towed to safety within three days. Just how much of a ‘stranded’ seaplane is it that they can wait three days for a band of incompetent chuds to come to their rescue? Keep in mind this ‘Three Days’ bullshit as it will make no sense whatsoever later on. Not that it made any sense right now, either.

Cut to Scami and her magic pantry bowl. She pretends like she’s making breakfast but, as usual, it look like the kids are doing most all of the work for her.

Bear Brown cleans his gunMutt tells us that he likes to use gravy as a condiment. This draws the ire of his siblings who try and collectively figure out what a ‘condiment’ is.

ExtremeBore proves once again that he is a completely out of control retard. How? Well, he decides to clean his gun at the breakfast table while pointing it at himself! He asks Scami for some cooking oil to use in his gun. Are you fuckin’ kidding me? He just pours it right into the chamber! Would someone at ParkSlop please… PLEASE tell him that what he is doing is not only unsafe (pointing the gun right at him as he ‘lubricates’ it), but also will result in damaging the firearm!

Although on second thought, don’t tell him. Let’s let Darwinism work it’s magic!

We haven’t had a BirdBrain-centric episode for a while, so she decides to show how ‘bush’ she is by asking for sugar for her eggs. She claims she’s done this her whole life but her other dull-witted siblings seem to be surprised at what she’s doing. She pours on the sugar until it’s in a huge lump of white stuff. She’s like the Tony Montana of bush breakfast.

Bird Brown puts sugar on eggsBullshitBilly says he has sent out the word that he is looking for free stuff (again). He wants to take parts that could otherwise benefit a real Alaskan family and bring it to Browntown where it will never be used and left to rust on this once pristine land.

As the Brownklownz finally arrive at Prince of Wales, or as Wolverine calls it P.O.W., BullshitBilly explains to the kids what they need to do for him once the competent captain hired by ParkSlop docks the boat for them.

He sends Bum and ExtremeBore to get gas. The narrator says they need 245 gallons, while at the same time showing the two chuds carrying two five-gallon jugs each. At that rate, they will need to make about 13 trips back and forth. I guess they aren’t in THAT big of a hurry to rescue that seaplane.

Meanwhile, Mutt and BirdBrain go ‘hunting’. They spot a deer, but since they’re so magnanimous and self righteous they don’t shoot it because it’s a doe, a deer, a female deer. Plus, it probably doesn’t match the one the production crew laid out

Wouldn’t you know it, there’s no one at the pump to take their money! ExtremeBore explains that a lot of thing s in the bush are on the honor system, which means this band of grifters has probably been getting a lot of shit for free over the years. But, since a camera is filming them, they decide to leave some money.

Back to Mutt and BirdBrain. They see a deer and take a shot at something. You never see it and the Brownchuds in the same shot. Once again, ParkSlop brings in Zapruder to film the exciting scene of these incompetent non-bush people ‘killing’ a deer. It has a huge, bulbous mass sticking out of it. No, not DuhVinciNoah’s head.

Once they have food and fuel, they settle in for the night. BullshitBilly pulls Bum aside for a father-chud talk. Bum states he has a lot on his mind. He begins to realize he’s in his thirties and still living with his parents, putting his own dreams and aspirations on hold while providing for his parents who are useless.

BullshitBilly searches for some words of wisdom to help bum. The only words of wisdom BullshitBilly should be sharing is Caveat Emptor!

The family says their bullshit ‘more‘ to each other as they go to bed. The next morning, they awake early and leave so they can get to that poor, stranded seaplane that’s been waiting three days to be rescued! Wait, what’s this? BullshitBilly gets word the production crew located a wind turbine and wouldn’t you know it, they can have it for FREE! Guess that poor stranded seaplane guy is just gonna hafta wait on BullshitBilly’s needs.

He sends his most trusted chuds Mutt, Bum, and DuhVinciNoah to take a ride in a truck to meet an old friend of theirs that has the turbine. I wonder… If she’s such a dear family friend, why didn’t BullshitBilly and Scami go with?

They arrive at a road that is closed, and ParkSlop makes us sit through every single boring second of waiting for a frickin’ pilot car to come and take them across.

FINALLY the pilot car shows up. Bum wonders if they will still be on time to rescue a seaworthy plane brought in for filming. They arrive at Connie’s house and go inside to chew the fat. She asks questions about their relationships, or lack thereof.

The boys then get dating and relationship advice from a middle-aged woman with purple hair! They probably also get advice on fashion from a blind person.

They loan the Brownklownz their SUV to haul the wind turbine parts back to the SS Grifter. What the hell were they thinking? Hopefully their insurance is paid up.

Get this, BullshitBilly takes Scami to her ‘favorite’ fishing spot. Problem is, the bitch can’t fish! She can’t figure out how to cast a line or hold the reel. She looks like a Kardashian trying to do trigonometry. She catches a bunch of leaves, which is probably more than she’s provided for the family over the last 30 years.

Back to the brain-trust. They are returning with the parts for a wind turbine. With BullshitBilly’s needs met, they can now head to Thorne bay to ‘rescue’ a seaplane that’s been ‘stranded’ and needing a tow for the last three days. Again, why is this plane waiting so long before being rescued? Must not be that much of an emergency, or it’s all bullshit. You decide.

Wait. What’s this? Oh-No’s! The SS Grifter is losing it’s electricity. Thank God DuhVinciNoah is there to fix it. He replaces another battery post, which looks a little like the one he supposedly fixed last week. Oh well, no harm no foul because after the break we see everything is fine and they continue on to ‘rescue’ a seaplane that’s been ‘stranded’ for over three days.

As they arrive, we see the laughable scene of a crisp, clean bush pilot standing on the pontoon of this perfectly fine ‘stranded’ seaplane. Yep, really looks like he’s been stranded for three days! Plus, why did they need a 40-foot huge boat to tow something a basic skiff could have handled.

They only seem to tow him about a couple hundred yards, plus there’s plenty of other boats at the dock that could have done this job in five minutes instead of three days.

DuhVinciNoah writes his purse. I guess nothing new happened since last week. He’s still talking about the tetanus inducing gift he’s going to send her.

Finally the SS Grifter cruises past the dock and they untie the plane, which according to locals takes off shortly after to head back home.

The Brownklownz continue on to Ketchikan. The last time they were there they claimed they lost everything… Except the family heirlooms they pull out of their ass every other episode and claim they had forever.

Bum and his useless parents talk about him leaving. He says there’s something he needs to do. Apparently, Allison has a feminist rally he wants him to go to so he has to leave, pick up his vagina costume, and meet her at the Broad’s March in Los Angeles (yes, they were there together).

Scami is heartbroken that their oldest chud is leaving and will not be helping to provide them a lifestyle anymore. She seems to think it’s odd for a thirty-something ‘child’ to want to leave home, yet she thinks marrying a 26 year old horse stealing grifter when she was 15 is perfectly normal. Hey, I guess that means next year AcidRain is eligible to run off with her 26 year old dreamboat!

In the final segment, Bum says goodbye. The other poor, hapless bastards can’t believe he gets to leave while they’re still stuck with their Munchhausen parents.

The camera keeps cutting to Scami’s contorted face as her eyes shift back and forth in a creepy manner. BullshitBilly says he’ll miss out on the wind turbine and Browntown and all the other phony bullshit they engage in. Bum’s response was a resounding, “Woo-HOOOOOOO!”

This scene drags on and on. I’ll be right back I’m gonna take a Brown.

OK, I’m back. Never fear, they’re STILL showing Bum and his parents saying goodbye until they meet again next filming season.

As he says goodbye to each of his dull-witted siblings, I can image them all asking to PLEASE take them with.

Finally, it’s over. Stay tuned for more episode recaps featuring Alaskan Bullshit People!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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11 Responses to Alaskan Bush People Epsiode Recap S06:E05 One Brown Down

  1. lakerman1 says:

    So much fakery. So little time to be cynical.
    (sigh)
    Let’s start with the fake shot at the deer. They were walking on a logging road. Birdbrain tells us it hasn’t been driven on for years. But there are tire tracks. How reckless is it to take a shot on a road being used? Bigly reckless. And the deer was downhill from him, as best one can tell from the zapruder film. Yet his gun was pointed uphill. and when he pretended to shoot, the gun barrel went up, not back as newton’s 3rd law guarantees.
    Why divert your trip to ‘rescue’ a boat that had a fuel pump maldunxtion as it left the harbor? Any other boat at the harbor would have towed it. Fake act of mercy. Fake.
    I will continue this when my head stops throbbing.

  2. T-Tommy says:

    Beavis – You da man!
    LMAO about the stranded floatplane segment. I expected some dirty old grizzled Yosimite Sam looking character to be waiting for the tow. Instead this clean cut GQ magazine looking dude is waiting with the beautiful new-looking Cessna. I assume Park Slop paid him well for his ten minutes of camera time. I appreciated the gun cleaning & cooking oil lube job performed by the mentally challenged howler. I also assume the breakfast scene was shot
    somewhere with a caterer nearby. Orange juice in the bush?? Sure.

    • Beavis says:

      Thanks T-Tommy! I can’t believe they didn’t try and grub up the pilot before ‘rescuing’ him. He looked like he just walked out of a Jos. A Banks. 🙂

  3. lakerman1 says:

    I’m back! In no chronological order, here we go.
    Ami and Billy walk to the pock at that pond, and there is no fishing rod in sight. Suddenly Ami has a casting rod in her hand with a a closed face push button reel, tries to cast it, fails. Then immediately she casts with AN OPEN FACE SPINNING REEL. (reminds me of the magic pistol she fired – it began as a revolver and magically turned into a semi automatic.)
    The boys are picked up by the taker in a pickup truck, driven to Hat Trick Connie’s house, with two lads ridsing in the back of the truck. Why is she called Hat Trick Connie? I think I know, and it deals with threes.
    Her boyfriend just happens to have a wind turbine that he says he doesn’t need any more, so he gives it away(?) Doesn’t he need electricity any more??
    And why does he lend them his SUV instead of the pick up truck to haul the wind turbine? Why didn’t he pick them up at the dock with the SUV/station wagon? How will he retrieve his vehicle? How did the wind turbine fit into the vehcicle? Discovery didn’t show that.
    The lads carrying five gallon containers of – what? gasoline, or fuel oil? It would violate CG regs to haul fuel oil in red gas cans. Whatever it was, it would cost about 1000 dollars for the fuel, and they are leaving the stack of money out in the open? Really??
    I have a headache again. Be back later. (Where did they put the 70 pounds if venison on the boat with the erratic electrical system? More fetid venison…)

    • Beavis says:

      Dang. I should make you the editor to ‘fine polish’ my recaps 🙂 Spot on with the fishing pole I didn’t even catch that. And that whole ‘loaning them an SUV’ seemed really odd and out of place. I suspect the gas station owner was paid off camera so ParkSlop could try and make it look like the Brownklownz look so honest and forthright!

  4. lakerman1 says:

    Screw it. I give up.
    Fake trip, faKE ROUGH OCEAN, FAKE FAMILY.

  5. lakerman1 says:

    Just one more thing on this and the previous episode.
    The rough seas were not rough. Parkslop faked that with a camera trick. They kept the camera aimed inside of the boat, no horizon for reference, and the camera person moved the camera violently, to make it look like the boat was lurching, like in Deadliest Catch territory. The seasickness was bogus as well, for a family raised on the water, as we were told – Billy even said Ami once went 18 months without going ashore. And one of the daughters didn’t know how to walk on dry land, we were told. Fake, fake! And why would Ami want the girl to puke inside the boat instead of into the water??
    Towing the cessna with a 58 foot boat was equally silly. I have a 12 foot boat with a 6 h.p. motor, and I could have towed that seaplane.
    Finally, why would septic tanks be shipped from the lower 48 to the tiny village of Hoonah, then to be shipped 300 miles south???

  6. Yeah, the whole bit with the eggs and sugar was pretty f**ked up. Loved the picture of the Post Sugar Eggs-hilarious !
    Beavis, sending a draft of your recap to lakerman 1 for added insanity is probably a good idea… Twice the bullshit…
    I went back and looked at the totally ridiculous fishing scene and lakerman1 was not kidding… She never fished a day in her life, my girls at 5 yrs old did better than that…

  7. LaLobagirl says:

    LOVE the pic you have of AcidRain hugging Bum and begging “For the love of Christ, take me with you!” I can see it happening. I feel sorry for the kids – what selfish parents they’ve got. How are they gonna fend for themselves when the show ends (and it will !) You know that money ain’t gonna last forever! I love to read your column – makes me laugh so hard I’m crying! Awesome job!

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