Well, here we are. Another week another bullshit packed episode of Alaskan Bullshit People.
Same as last week. This episode was so boring and uneventful so there’s not much to riff on.
Let’s dive right in. In the opening scene, Mutt shows how he makes coffee on a boat. Cuz… Y’know, he’s a seasoned fisherman. I suspect that’s not coffee he was wanting.
When we left off last week, we saw the SS Grifter was out in ‘open ocean’ facing mildly inclement weather. The chuds are barfin’, Scami is bithin’, and BullshitBilly is Bullshittin’.
Let’s recap the bullshit so far. The Brownklownz are offered a free skiff if they do two simple hauling jobs involving a 300-mile journey. They are to deliver 2 septic tanks and then tow a staged seaplane about 20 feet to the dock.
They drop off the septic tanks pre-filled… With DVD copies of their shitshow! One point to keep in mind, the narrator tells us that this stranded seaplane needs to be towed to safety within three days. Just how much of a ‘stranded’ seaplane is it that they can wait three days for a band of incompetent chuds to come to their rescue? Keep in mind this ‘Three Days’ bullshit as it will make no sense whatsoever later on. Not that it made any sense right now, either.
Cut to Scami and her magic pantry bowl. She pretends like she’s making breakfast but, as usual, it look like the kids are doing most all of the work for her.
ExtremeBore proves once again that he is a completely out of control retard. How? Well, he decides to clean his gun at the breakfast table while pointing it at himself! He asks Scami for some cooking oil to use in his gun. Are you fuckin’ kidding me? He just pours it right into the chamber! Would someone at ParkSlop please… PLEASE tell him that what he is doing is not only unsafe (pointing the gun right at him as he ‘lubricates’ it), but also will result in damaging the firearm!
Although on second thought, don’t tell him. Let’s let Darwinism work it’s magic!
We haven’t had a BirdBrain-centric episode for a while, so she decides to show how ‘bush’ she is by asking for sugar for her eggs. She claims she’s done this her whole life but her other dull-witted siblings seem to be surprised at what she’s doing. She pours on the sugar until it’s in a huge lump of white stuff. She’s like the Tony Montana of bush breakfast.
BullshitBilly says he has sent out the word that he is looking for free stuff (again). He wants to take parts that could otherwise benefit a real Alaskan family and bring it to Browntown where it will never be used and left to rust on this once pristine land.
As the Brownklownz finally arrive at Prince of Wales, or as Wolverine calls it P.O.W., BullshitBilly explains to the kids what they need to do for him once the competent captain hired by ParkSlop docks the boat for them.
He sends Bum and ExtremeBore to get gas. The narrator says they need 245 gallons, while at the same time showing the two chuds carrying two five-gallon jugs each. At that rate, they will need to make about 13 trips back and forth. I guess they aren’t in THAT big of a hurry to rescue that seaplane.
Meanwhile, Mutt and BirdBrain go ‘hunting’. They spot a deer, but since they’re so magnanimous and self righteous they don’t shoot it because it’s a doe, a deer, a female deer. Plus, it probably doesn’t match the one the production crew laid out
Wouldn’t you know it, there’s no one at the pump to take their money! ExtremeBore explains that a lot of thing s in the bush are on the honor system, which means this band of grifters has probably been getting a lot of shit for free over the years. But, since a camera is filming them, they decide to leave some money.
Back to Mutt and BirdBrain. They see a deer and take a shot at something. You never see it and the Brownchuds in the same shot. Once again, ParkSlop brings in Zapruder to film the exciting scene of these incompetent non-bush people ‘killing’ a deer. It has a huge, bulbous mass sticking out of it. No, not DuhVinciNoah’s head.
Once they have food and fuel, they settle in for the night. BullshitBilly pulls Bum aside for a father-chud talk. Bum states he has a lot on his mind. He begins to realize he’s in his thirties and still living with his parents, putting his own dreams and aspirations on hold while providing for his parents who are useless.
BullshitBilly searches for some words of wisdom to help bum. The only words of wisdom BullshitBilly should be sharing is Caveat Emptor!
The family says their bullshit ‘more‘ to each other as they go to bed. The next morning, they awake early and leave so they can get to that poor, stranded seaplane that’s been waiting three days to be rescued! Wait, what’s this? BullshitBilly gets word the production crew located a wind turbine and wouldn’t you know it, they can have it for FREE! Guess that poor stranded seaplane guy is just gonna hafta wait on BullshitBilly’s needs.
He sends his most trusted chuds Mutt, Bum, and DuhVinciNoah to take a ride in a truck to meet an old friend of theirs that has the turbine. I wonder… If she’s such a dear family friend, why didn’t BullshitBilly and Scami go with?
They arrive at a road that is closed, and ParkSlop makes us sit through every single boring second of waiting for a frickin’ pilot car to come and take them across.
FINALLY the pilot car shows up. Bum wonders if they will still be on time to rescue a seaworthy plane brought in for filming. They arrive at Connie’s house and go inside to chew the fat. She asks questions about their relationships, or lack thereof.
The boys then get dating and relationship advice from a middle-aged woman with purple hair! They probably also get advice on fashion from a blind person.
They loan the Brownklownz their SUV to haul the wind turbine parts back to the SS Grifter. What the hell were they thinking? Hopefully their insurance is paid up.
Get this, BullshitBilly takes Scami to her ‘favorite’ fishing spot. Problem is, the bitch can’t fish! She can’t figure out how to cast a line or hold the reel. She looks like a Kardashian trying to do trigonometry. She catches a bunch of leaves, which is probably more than she’s provided for the family over the last 30 years.
Back to the brain-trust. They are returning with the parts for a wind turbine. With BullshitBilly’s needs met, they can now head to Thorne bay to ‘rescue’ a seaplane that’s been ‘stranded’ and needing a tow for the last three days. Again, why is this plane waiting so long before being rescued? Must not be that much of an emergency, or it’s all bullshit. You decide.
Wait. What’s this? Oh-No’s! The SS Grifter is losing it’s electricity. Thank God DuhVinciNoah is there to fix it. He replaces another battery post, which looks a little like the one he supposedly fixed last week. Oh well, no harm no foul because after the break we see everything is fine and they continue on to ‘rescue’ a seaplane that’s been ‘stranded’ for over three days.
As they arrive, we see the laughable scene of a crisp, clean bush pilot standing on the pontoon of this perfectly fine ‘stranded’ seaplane. Yep, really looks like he’s been stranded for three days! Plus, why did they need a 40-foot huge boat to tow something a basic skiff could have handled.
They only seem to tow him about a couple hundred yards, plus there’s plenty of other boats at the dock that could have done this job in five minutes instead of three days.
DuhVinciNoah writes his purse. I guess nothing new happened since last week. He’s still talking about the tetanus inducing gift he’s going to send her.
The Brownklownz continue on to Ketchikan. The last time they were there they claimed they lost everything… Except the family heirlooms they pull out of their ass every other episode and claim they had forever.
Bum and his useless parents talk about him leaving. He says there’s something he needs to do. Apparently, Allison has a feminist rally he wants him to go to so he has to leave, pick up his vagina costume, and meet her at the Broad’s March in Los Angeles (yes, they were there together).
Scami is heartbroken that their oldest chud is leaving and will not be helping to provide them a lifestyle anymore. She seems to think it’s odd for a thirty-something ‘child’ to want to leave home, yet she thinks marrying a 26 year old horse stealing grifter when she was 15 is perfectly normal. Hey, I guess that means next year AcidRain is eligible to run off with her 26 year old dreamboat!
In the final segment, Bum says goodbye. The other poor, hapless bastards can’t believe he gets to leave while they’re still stuck with their Munchhausen parents.
The camera keeps cutting to Scami’s contorted face as her eyes shift back and forth in a creepy manner. BullshitBilly says he’ll miss out on the wind turbine and Browntown and all the other phony bullshit they engage in. Bum’s response was a resounding, “Woo-HOOOOOOO!”
This scene drags on and on. I’ll be right back I’m gonna take a Brown.
OK, I’m back. Never fear, they’re STILL showing Bum and his parents saying goodbye until they meet again next filming season.
As he says goodbye to each of his dull-witted siblings, I can image them all asking to PLEASE take them with.
Finally, it’s over. Stay tuned for more episode recaps featuring Alaskan Bullshit People!