Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap s07:E05 Weight Of The Wolfpack

This episode is called “Weight of the Wolfpack.” Well, just with NoDuh and BirdBrain you’re talkin’ a good quarter ton. Oh, wait, they mean Weight as in emotional weight. Got it. I can’t ‘weight.’

In the pre-opener we are treated to some night-vision shots of Mutt, who is sleeping outside for some reason. He hears a ‘bear’ and scares it away. Keep this in mind as it plays into my theory that ParkSlop and Discoverup are trying to make it look like Mutt is the unfortunate victim of a simple accident that could happen to anyone. Let’s just go with their explanation for now.

We are reminded again that the bullshit we are watching is unfolding in real time. This time it’s eight weeks ago. Mutt walks around in appropriate bush apparel… A suit jacket! I shit you not. Yep, these are real bush people, dammit! He waxes moronically while walking around the filming location doing nothing but posing for a Men’s Wearhouse ad.

Back to Kaliforny! Bore is still complaining about how hot it is. He needs to make some shorts. So, instead of taking off his pair of jeans inside the house, placing them on a table or other flat surface, measuring, and cutting to an appropriate length, this yard ape decides to sit in the middle of the dirt and cut them off while he’s wearing them. Yep, he’s a special kind of shitsall-retarded this one is.

Asa tells us the three most incompetent chuds ar going back to the filming location to loot and steal before their meal-ticket goes away.

Speaking of the filming location, next we see Mutt doing important things that need to get done before closing Browntown… Like throwing knives.

Never fear, though! We’re never more than an episode and a half from seeing a Skaflested on camera, so right on cue comes Dump Buddy Kennay. He’s there to forage for scraps ParkSlop left behind in two seasons filming these useless, non-bush living turds.

They slurr-speech their way through a conversation to which none of the viewers have a clue, but somehow they understand each other.

Mutt asks about mom, to which Kennay has no answer. Most likely it’s because ParkSlop didn’t figure out how to disclose or spin this when it was filmed. But hey, this is in real time folks!

Mutt tells Kennay he can have first dibs on anything he finds that he wants to keep. He finds a Jesus Spike, and Mutt proceeds to hammer one into a tree that pops out when struck and hits him in the eye… AGAIN! How many times is this idiot going to injure his eye?

Back to Kaliforny. Before BirdBrain, AcidRain, and Bore head out to film B-Roll at the filming location, they head to a thrift store to buy their mother a gift. They want to get her something she hasn’t seen before. I would suggest an adult child with a job and a future but that’s just not in the cards.

BirdBrain and AcidRain look at some short-shorts and make fun of the people that would wear them. Strangely enough, AcidRain was photographed wearing a very similar pair of shorts a short time after this bullshit was filmed. Once inside they find a tapestry with polar bears on it.

Back to the filming location. Mutt whines to Kennay about how there is actual work to be done. He says that he gets really scared when it gets dark and he’s all alone out there. How the fuck did you supposedly live wild in the bush for thirty years if you’re afraid of the forest at night? Pussy.

Kennay loads a pile of shit to return to his dump that probably came from his dump in the first place. He seems legitimately sad that they are leaving. Most likely, he (and his family) will miss the paychecks. There’s a shitload of Skaflested’s on the payroll. Sadly, one of them is on the ‘Safety’ crew. Epic fail!

Time for Mutt’s dinner. Despite there being an oven inside the filming location cabin, shithead decides to try and cook a steak by piercing it with a stick and holding it over a small campfire.

The steak looks barely done on one si… HOLY SHIT IT’S HERE! The part where he blows his head off. Let’s see how this goes down.

Somehow, after the crew went home to Hoonah, they were ‘notified’ of an explosion ‘heard in Browntown’. Who heard it? The guy that actually owns the land their cabin is on? ParkSlop wastes no time in putting their film-school 101 training to use and splice together short, out of focus, aimed at nothing shots to convey a sense of danger.

They cut to medics removing the home-made turban he wrapped around his head with duct tape. Sappy music dribbles in the background as white letters on a black screen tell us that there was an explosion and that the on-site examination revealed a skull fracture.

Seems like Mr. Crapcake left a present on the floo… No wait, that’s Mutt’s brain leaking out. Hey look, it’s Bum! He talks about Mutt’s accident and tells us nothing because according to him he knows nothing. First true thing ever said on this shitshow.

The scrawl tells us that he was taken to a hospital in Juneau, taken to intensive care, and that NoDuh will be by his side. At no time do they attempt to tell us what NoDuh was doing there instead of by his mother’s side. Oh yeah, he was in an Extended Stay with The Night Stalker. What happened to all that 19th century bullshit about romance? I guess the first girl with a pulse that let him rub his androgynous, Pillsbury Dough Boy-like girth on her is his special lady!

Back in Kaliforny and fresh back from their shopping spree, the brain-trust of AcidRain, Bore, and BirdBrain sit around and lament what happened to Mutt. They leave to go fill B-Roll and get one of their last paychecks.

As they arrive, Bore proceeds to try and impress any six-year old’s that happen to be watching. He climbs the long forgotten about trebuchet and swings down. Yawn. Bear, of course, is wearing the best thing you can wear in the forest… A Thriller jacket! More ions are wasted transmitting this midget running around like an ADHD poster boy.

Wait a minute. How come they didn’t visit Mutt when they got to Alaska? If they truly gave two shits about him don’t you think they would have stopped by? There probably wasn’t a camera crew there so they didn’t want to put forth the effort.

After the break, Bore tells his sisters that he wants to bring down the disc brake drum with uneven wooden blades made from shipping pallets otherwise known as “The Wind Turbine!” He say’s that it’s the heart of Browntown. Really? You left there right after it went up and didn’t see it again until this minute but yet it’s the heart? Oh, you mean because it creates power. What about NoDuh’s generator that blew smoke in his smug face when he fucked up the wiring job a couple episodes ago? Oh right, it’s all bullshit. I forgot.

Bore says Mom would really love it if they brought the wind turbine to their new home. Where exactly is that, dumbass? Oh, is it that magic place where BullshitBilly says he can just pull the RV over and start building a house? Where’s this place located at again… Fantasyland?

Back in Kaliforny, BulshitBilly and Scami go to the doctor. I’ve not seen waiting room action like that since… Well… Never!

Oops, guess Scami’s cancer isn’t that important ‘cuz they cut right back to Thriller-Jacket Bore at the filming location. Oh my God, AcidRain and BirdBrain are doing other important things like getting seaweed. Again, I shit you not. They want to take it home to Scami because, as AcidRain tells us, this place meant SOOOO much to her that they want to bring part of it back. So, smelly old seaweed is the thing you’re going to take her? What about the rug you bought? How important can this place be to her? You guys spent about what, six weeks a year out there filming? You don’t own the place and never did, yet her fondest memories are from a phony filming location? Sorry, I digress.

AcidRain tells us that Scami will like the seaweed because you can make all kinds of things out of it like candles and shower curtains. For real? I’m sure at some point someone made those things, but unskilled, lazy chuds like the Brownklownz will most likely not make anything of use or value out of it. Man, the dumbfuckery of these idiots knows no bounds.

Not to be outdone by the idiocy of their window-licking brother, the two sisters decide to put seaweed on their faces. They look like morons… then they put the seaweed on their faces (badum-tish).

Uh-oh’s… What’s this? Bore spots a bear! He walks up to it with all his five-foot tall might. He’s awfully brave! Especially with an armed crew right behind him to rescue his dumb ass… Or not.

Back in Kaliforny, BullshitBilly and Scami arrive back home. The black and white scrawl tells us she has been diagnosed with stage 3B lung cancer. Wow. Information we knew three episodes ago. Another scrawl tells us that the family asked the Executive Producer to help interpret the news. Not sure what their plan was here. Did they need it interpreted so fans think these poor, solitary bush people got confused reading about the big city doctor treatment? Or can they literally not read?

The Executive Producer tells them that if she loses five more pounds they are going to have to give her a feeding tube. In a perfectly timed shot, BullshitBilly emerges from the room right after hearing about this big city way to eat without the burden of him lifting a fork. I’ll bet he is SOOOO jealous.

Back at the filming location, the three chuds decide to bring down the all important, future on the line, can’t survive without it wind turbine. All three bark out orders in complete disarray. Bore connects the guideline to the winch and proceeds to bring it down. Just like NoDuh, he fucks it up and it falls to the ground. No big deal, it’s just a disc brake rotor with old shattered wood blades glued to it. Nothing of value here.

In the short segment (Pffftt… short lol), Bore, AcidRain, and BirdBrain have a contest to see who can be the first to finish eating sticks of butter that BirdBrain found inside the filming location cabin. Sadly, BirdBrain wins because… Man, that broad REALLY loves butter. And sugar, remember?

Alaskan bush people eating butterBack to the aftermath of the disc brake rotor hitting the ground. Bore says it’s almost like a feeling of failure. ALMOST? Really? It was the exact definition of failure! He claims it’s OK because the main motorized engine mechanism part, the heart, is still in tact. Oh yeah, we can see all those intricate parts clearly! God, what bunch of bullshit. To celebrate, they howl like idiots.

Mutt and Bum talk about his accident. Here’s his story: He says the bears were really bad. To clarify, Asa steps in and narrates the fact the bears were bad. Mutt says he got overly paranoid in that situation and to… Godammit, Asa’s interrupting again to tell us that he blowed himself up with an IED made from black powder. Why can’t Mutt tell the story? Well, he claims he doesn’t remember anything except bits and flashes.

On a serious note, Mutt really looks like shit. He’s definitely on the downhill. Maybe he’ll tell us ho… What? It’s over? Just like that? Oh well, we now have two weeks to grow the brain cells lost watching this shit.

In the previews of the next episode we see Bore riding on top of the RV. I liked it better the first time I saw this stunt… In Teen Wolf! Until next time, have a bullshit day!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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24 Responses to Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap s07:E05 Weight Of The Wolfpack

  1. Mr. Rogers says:

    Wonderful presentation of a week in a life of King Fridays court and his cable car adventures! My thought go out to there mother but for the rest of this crew of Riplies be leave it or not? then how can can it get any worst? Oh well the Bush people will go down n history as a well presented fiction show that just tended to lean on the twilight zone side of life! And remember boys and girls Mr. Rogers likes you for just who you are! And that goes for theBrown family also!

  2. Henrik Gønge Fjord Mikkelsen says:

    Great recap as usual. I had not thought of the Teen Wolf scene, but of course! 👍🏻😂nice spotted.
    And I can just imagine Billy when hearing about the feeding tube. Clearly made to help lazy idiots like him!
    “What’s all this then??
    You mean to tell me, I have been lifting my own fork like those imbeciles in the lower 48???
    GIMME, D
    DADGUMMIT!!”😂

    • Beavis says:

      Thanks Henrik. I can’t take credit for the Teen wolf thing though. I saw it last week on some meme page. I appreciate your feedback!

  3. Tim says:

    Good stuff in this review! DC and the ABP show got away with using the term “Winter is Coming” until HBO (Game of Thrones) called them out for Trademark infringement, and it’s just a matter of time or finding out that they’re using “Wolfpack” which is a Registered Trademark by No. Carolina State University!

  4. And it goes on and on… The complete point of this episode was ‘Go to Browntown and get the work done’… The complete reality was ‘Go to Browntown and do anything but work’…

    Things in this show that stood out to me and made everyone in my house go WTF ?????:

    Matt and his suit… why didn’t production tell him this isn’t Alaskan GQ People, but Bush people…

    The seaweed scene… I mean, seriously, are they that dead in the writing department that they resort to this silliness ???

    The butter eating scene… Yes they are that dead in the writing department to resort to total insane silliness…

    The turbine… enough said…

    Bear vs. bear… Standing up to a trained and chained to the ground bear while trying to act brave is actually pretty easy… As I have mentioned before, how many of us out there would have loved to see that poor bear charge Bear, and then tear him completely apart while he screamed for mommy ??? Me, for one, any others ?

    Bear and the shorts… is it really a Bush tradition to cut pants while you are wearing them, or is it just made up (total satire here, RO)…

    Bear surf riding the van on the hi way… Please God, PLEASE, let there be a cop around that next corner !!!

    Matt blowing his head up… totally anti climatic…

    8 weeks ago , 6 weeks ago, real time, flashbacks, stage 3, no wait, 3b cancer, where is Noah, Kenny says goodbye as though he is trying for an Oscar, short shorts, polar bear tapestries that even a mother would throw away, EXTREME shopping, exec producers who want screen time and then push the camera away without really explaining anything….

    I got a headache and need some medicinal seaweed…

    Thanks Beavis, for trying to bring order from complete chaos…

    • Beavis says:

      BRAVO my friend. I look forward to reading the comments from the regulars. You guys ALWAYS find things I totally missed or didn’t see the BS in them the first time. Thanks!

  5. lakerman1 says:

    Good work yet again, Beavis!
    I have given this too much thought, but have concluded that Park Slop and Discovery are showing stupid stuff filmed out of chronological order.
    Last Friday night, Discovery ran the first season’s episodes of ABP, and I decided to watch, just to figure out the point at which I realized the show was fake. And I found that point.
    It was when Billy faked his knee injury while building the first cabin, up in the Copper River Valley. Everything thereafter was a fraud.
    And while watching those two episodes, I had to watch Billy set up barters, while he peered at the camera and said things like, “in the bush, when you barter, you have to keep your end of the bargain.
    Your word means everything.’ That was spoken by a man who, it is said, scammed people all over Alaska, and down in the lower 48.
    That fake sincerity is an important attribute of a scammer.
    In the barter for 5000 dollars worth of lumber, two of the Brown lads did one day of work, as far as I could tell, or at most, two days of work. If they did more of that, I would think Park Slop would have shown the work, just as I would have thought they would have shown the Brownclowns actually building the cabin at Browntown. But there was nothing to show. –
    My 25 year old son, last Wednesday, watched ABP for the first time. He asked what the three Browns were doing at Browntown, and I explained that their mother had cancer, and because of that, they were leaving Browntown. He was perplexed. “So when you and Mom die, we (children) are just supposed to give up?”
    Then when Bear challenged the brown bear, my son said, ‘that’s fake. See the change in color of the grass between the guy and the real bear? That’s where they patched/edited. When I told him the Browns believe they can take territory from real bears by walking towards the animals, and waving their arms, his response was, ‘Holy shit! People watching, could die if they believed that!’
    (Back a decade or two ago, a man and his girlfriend, from California, believed that they could make friends with grizzlies, went to Alaska to do that, and both were killed by a grizzly bear, who ate the girlfriend.)
    Finally, my son said, “If they are moving out, wouldn’t the turbine be the last thing to take down, rather than the first thing?”
    I explained that logic is not the strong suit for the Browns.

    • Beavis says:

      Read the comment I left for Reality Observer. The insight in all the comments provide great reading! Thanks as always.

  6. ToNo says:

    Beavis, another great recap, thanks for taking the time to make us laugh.

    On a serious note I would like to pass along my condolences to the family of a real Alaskan bush man, Bob Harte who passed away last Saturday. Bob was one of the more interesting characters of the show, The Last Alaskans.
    Of all of the Alaskan reality shows, I consider The Last Alaskans, to be the most authentic and genuine. The isolation and remoteness these people live in is very admirable yet frightening.

    Bob lived in the wild for 40yrs and was truly an Alaskan Bush man. Godspeed Bob.

    http://www.inquisitr.com/4392086/bob-harte-from-the-last-alaskans-has-passed-away/

  7. lakerman1 says:

    Bib Harte was a nice man – a tundra philosopher, if you will, who had lived a long, good life, and had wonderful insights into the human condition. He was a simplified version of Eric Hoffer, the longshoreman/philosopher.
    Another loss this week was Preston, the sidekick of Eustace, on Mountain Men. He was a counterbalance to Eustace, who was sometimes annoying and pretentious. Preston had inoperable liver cancer, and died at age 60..

  8. lakerman1 says:

    Bob, not Bib. Stupid keyboard.

  9. Levi says:

    I believe that you wrote your greatest line ever in this recap…pussy. The simple, one word sentence made me nearly do a spit take. I laughed very hard at that. If the bears were so fucking bad, why didn’t the idiot board himself up in the cabin? This show is so incredibly dumb. A little bit of my brain dies with every episode that I watch. The only reason I still watch it, is because I discovered your site a while back and I like to follow along. You are brilliant at calling them out on their bullshit and stupidity. Please keep up the good work.

  10. ToNo says:

    Couldn’t pass up sharing this video. Apologies if someone else already posted it.

    Enjoy…

    https://youtu.be/Gj9hMPW7GiQ

  11. Rebekah Menish-Geryk says:

    Love the read first time I ever came on here. Am I dumb or dumb I really thought this show was legitement. Then I noticed in one of the recaps of the show, I saw a dead chicken in the mud really makes me mad. Makes me wonder where the cow is and the rest of the animals didn’t they have a goat? And the trash around the place I live in Montana closet town is Helena Mt or Great Falls 50 miles one way. Lived in the middle. All summer we stacked and cut wood didn’t hunt or fish made enough money for that we worked like most of us in Mt that doesn’t live in town. Rise goats or cows for FFA kids we did raise chickens the commute to school 1 way was 32 miles and yes we have black bears that roam around our house all night as well as Mt lions. Which leads me to believe if they were country folk why wouldn’t they really make a home there for the children we home schooled and really had a social life for living 50 miles out of town. These people have to have some income Billy’s sold books kids have to be paid at least for the show but yet they are such poor mouthers. And the producers really expect the public to believe this stuff about them. I am story the mother is sick but there are many of people out here in Mt that drive the roads 50- 75 miles to town for food health problems and school and yes even for piano lessons..

  12. lakerman1 says:

    Rebekeh, the cow was rented, stayed at Browntown for just a few days, then a concocted story was that its milk production was disappearing so it had to be bred. (a cow has to be bred yearly to keep on producing milk, but this cow was old and drying up.)
    The cow was shipped off ‘to be bred’ but in reality, it went into retirement.
    They never owned goats, but the boys did deliver two goats (on their 58 foot fuel guzzling boat) to a fishing village. And as the boys chatted with residents, one of the boys said, ‘we (brown children) all grew up on boats,’ which is a stiff contradiction to Scammer Billy’s proclamation that all of his children were born ‘in the forest.’ Ami’s comment that she once spent two years on a boat without ever going ashore was interesting, as well as their comment that Rain didn’t know how to walk on dry land, after living on a boat. (that makes the fake seasickness in that episode even more fake.)
    So, Asa, with his voice of doom, saying ‘this is a family like no other, born wild, deep in the alaskan bush’ is a big lie, confirmed by the family’s own statements in off moments.
    As for the chickens – that was a desperate attempt by the production company for something to film. The chickens were not around very long, and Noah moved into the chicken coop- to sleep like no other – in chicken poop. (Asa told us the chickens were given away.)

  13. lalobagirl says:

    OMG, YOU GUYS !!! I can’t even get away from ABP while on vacay. Let me explain…last week my hubby and I were heading up to Harbor Springs, MI where my Bro and SIL have a ‘summer cottage’ On the way up there, along SR 127, I suddenly see these MASSIVELY HUGE BEHMOTHS in the distance and I’m like “WTH” Turns out we were passing a REAL “Turbine Wind Farm’ that has been place there since 2011, spread out over 30,000 acres for over 4 townships. I’d never seen such a sight, totally blew me away how HUGE these things are! They make the BrownKlown
    “Gotta Have it-Can’t-Live-Without it-we’re all-gonna-die” wind turbine look like a TOOTHPICK ! !There’s the magic word, kiddies…TURBINES! some quick research – EACH TURBINE STANDS 460 FT TALL from ground to blade tip and generate 1.6 MEGA WATTS…My first thought? “THIS is a Freakin Wind Turbine, BullshitBilly Brown !!! TAKE THAT !!! lol !
    http://media.mlive.com/saginawnews_impact/photo/10085496-large.jpg
    I tried to send a pic, not sure if this link will work. If not google “Wind Turbines along State Route 127 in michigan” and you should be able to see it there Enjoy !

  14. JD says:

    Wondering how many salmons Bore had to beat to death to barter for that red leather Calvin Klein jacket.
    Nothing screams Bush like perfect sticks of butter from an invisible fridge.

    • Beavis says:

      lol good call. Now I wonder why they didn’t eat the butter they churned in NoDuh’s groundbreaking butter churn! 🙂

  15. lakerman1 says:

    We are just one day away from a new episode. What will Park Slop call it?
    Burying Miss Ami?
    The Art Of The Scam?
    Billygoat Brown?
    Matt – The High but not Mighty?
    The Unbearable Bear?
    The Unsinkable Birdbrain Brown?
    Gabriel, blow your brother?
    Billy – The Second Time Around?

  16. Diana J says:

    Beavis, I love reading your witty synopsis of every show more than watching the show. I must admit I still only watch it, like I’ve read in some posts here, to follow along with your blog. I was wondering if the “explosion of black powder” is discoveries way of hiding the meth lab or still mutt was tinkering with while he was alone and didn’t have to explain his illegal ventures to mah and duh. Keep up the good work!!!

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