This episode is called “Weight of the Wolfpack.” Well, just with NoDuh and BirdBrain you’re talkin’ a good quarter ton. Oh, wait, they mean Weight as in emotional weight. Got it. I can’t ‘weight.’
In the pre-opener we are treated to some night-vision shots of Mutt, who is sleeping outside for some reason. He hears a ‘bear’ and scares it away. Keep this in mind as it plays into my theory that ParkSlop and Discoverup are trying to make it look like Mutt is the unfortunate victim of a simple accident that could happen to anyone. Let’s just go with their explanation for now.
We are reminded again that the bullshit we are watching is unfolding in real time. This time it’s eight weeks ago. Mutt walks around in appropriate bush apparel… A suit jacket! I shit you not. Yep, these are real bush people, dammit! He waxes moronically while walking around the filming location doing nothing but posing for a Men’s Wearhouse ad.
Back to Kaliforny! Bore is still complaining about how hot it is. He needs to make some shorts. So, instead of taking off his pair of jeans inside the house, placing them on a table or other flat surface, measuring, and cutting to an appropriate length, this yard ape decides to sit in the middle of the dirt and cut them off while he’s wearing them. Yep, he’s a special kind of shitsall-retarded this one is.
Asa tells us the three most incompetent chuds ar going back to the filming location to loot and steal before their meal-ticket goes away.
Speaking of the filming location, next we see Mutt doing important things that need to get done before closing Browntown… Like throwing knives.
Never fear, though! We’re never more than an episode and a half from seeing a Skaflested on camera, so right on cue comes Dump Buddy Kennay. He’s there to forage for scraps ParkSlop left behind in two seasons filming these useless, non-bush living turds.
They slurr-speech their way through a conversation to which none of the viewers have a clue, but somehow they understand each other.
Mutt asks about mom, to which Kennay has no answer. Most likely it’s because ParkSlop didn’t figure out how to disclose or spin this when it was filmed. But hey, this is in real time folks!
Mutt tells Kennay he can have first dibs on anything he finds that he wants to keep. He finds a Jesus Spike, and Mutt proceeds to hammer one into a tree that pops out when struck and hits him in the eye… AGAIN! How many times is this idiot going to injure his eye?
Back to Kaliforny. Before BirdBrain, AcidRain, and Bore head out to film B-Roll at the filming location, they head to a thrift store to buy their mother a gift. They want to get her something she hasn’t seen before. I would suggest an adult child with a job and a future but that’s just not in the cards.
BirdBrain and AcidRain look at some short-shorts and make fun of the people that would wear them. Strangely enough, AcidRain was photographed wearing a very similar pair of shorts a short time after this bullshit was filmed. Once inside they find a tapestry with polar bears on it.
Back to the filming location. Mutt whines to Kennay about how there is actual work to be done. He says that he gets really scared when it gets dark and he’s all alone out there. How the fuck did you supposedly live wild in the bush for thirty years if you’re afraid of the forest at night? Pussy.
Kennay loads a pile of shit to return to his dump that probably came from his dump in the first place. He seems legitimately sad that they are leaving. Most likely, he (and his family) will miss the paychecks. There’s a shitload of Skaflested’s on the payroll. Sadly, one of them is on the ‘Safety’ crew. Epic fail!
Time for Mutt’s dinner. Despite there being an oven inside the filming location cabin, shithead decides to try and cook a steak by piercing it with a stick and holding it over a small campfire.
The steak looks barely done on one si… HOLY SHIT IT’S HERE! The part where he blows his head off. Let’s see how this goes down.
Somehow, after the crew went home to Hoonah, they were ‘notified’ of an explosion ‘heard in Browntown’. Who heard it? The guy that actually owns the land their cabin is on? ParkSlop wastes no time in putting their film-school 101 training to use and splice together short, out of focus, aimed at nothing shots to convey a sense of danger.
They cut to medics removing the home-made turban he wrapped around his head with duct tape. Sappy music dribbles in the background as white letters on a black screen tell us that there was an explosion and that the on-site examination revealed a skull fracture.
Seems like Mr. Crapcake left a present on the floo… No wait, that’s Mutt’s brain leaking out. Hey look, it’s Bum! He talks about Mutt’s accident and tells us nothing because according to him he knows nothing. First true thing ever said on this shitshow.
The scrawl tells us that he was taken to a hospital in Juneau, taken to intensive care, and that NoDuh will be by his side. At no time do they attempt to tell us what NoDuh was doing there instead of by his mother’s side. Oh yeah, he was in an Extended Stay with The Night Stalker. What happened to all that 19th century bullshit about romance? I guess the first girl with a pulse that let him rub his androgynous, Pillsbury Dough Boy-like girth on her is his special lady!
Back in Kaliforny and fresh back from their shopping spree, the brain-trust of AcidRain, Bore, and BirdBrain sit around and lament what happened to Mutt. They leave to go fill B-Roll and get one of their last paychecks.
As they arrive, Bore proceeds to try and impress any six-year old’s that happen to be watching. He climbs the long forgotten about trebuchet and swings down. Yawn. Bear, of course, is wearing the best thing you can wear in the forest… A Thriller jacket! More ions are wasted transmitting this midget running around like an ADHD poster boy.
Wait a minute. How come they didn’t visit Mutt when they got to Alaska? If they truly gave two shits about him don’t you think they would have stopped by? There probably wasn’t a camera crew there so they didn’t want to put forth the effort.
After the break, Bore tells his sisters that he wants to bring down the disc brake drum with uneven wooden blades made from shipping pallets otherwise known as “The Wind Turbine!” He say’s that it’s the heart of Browntown. Really? You left there right after it went up and didn’t see it again until this minute but yet it’s the heart? Oh, you mean because it creates power. What about NoDuh’s generator that blew smoke in his smug face when he fucked up the wiring job a couple episodes ago? Oh right, it’s all bullshit. I forgot.
Bore says Mom would really love it if they brought the wind turbine to their new home. Where exactly is that, dumbass? Oh, is it that magic place where BullshitBilly says he can just pull the RV over and start building a house? Where’s this place located at again… Fantasyland?
Back in Kaliforny, BulshitBilly and Scami go to the doctor. I’ve not seen waiting room action like that since… Well… Never!
Oops, guess Scami’s cancer isn’t that important ‘cuz they cut right back to Thriller-Jacket Bore at the filming location. Oh my God, AcidRain and BirdBrain are doing other important things like getting seaweed. Again, I shit you not. They want to take it home to Scami because, as AcidRain tells us, this place meant SOOOO much to her that they want to bring part of it back. So, smelly old seaweed is the thing you’re going to take her? What about the rug you bought? How important can this place be to her? You guys spent about what, six weeks a year out there filming? You don’t own the place and never did, yet her fondest memories are from a phony filming location? Sorry, I digress.
AcidRain tells us that Scami will like the seaweed because you can make all kinds of things out of it like candles and shower curtains. For real? I’m sure at some point someone made those things, but unskilled, lazy chuds like the Brownklownz will most likely not make anything of use or value out of it. Man, the dumbfuckery of these idiots knows no bounds.
Not to be outdone by the idiocy of their window-licking brother, the two sisters decide to put seaweed on their faces. They look like morons… then they put the seaweed on their faces (badum-tish).
Uh-oh’s… What’s this? Bore spots a bear! He walks up to it with all his five-foot tall might. He’s awfully brave! Especially with an armed crew right behind him to rescue his dumb ass… Or not.
Back in Kaliforny, BullshitBilly and Scami arrive back home. The black and white scrawl tells us she has been diagnosed with stage 3B lung cancer. Wow. Information we knew three episodes ago. Another scrawl tells us that the family asked the Executive Producer to help interpret the news. Not sure what their plan was here. Did they need it interpreted so fans think these poor, solitary bush people got confused reading about the big city doctor treatment? Or can they literally not read?
The Executive Producer tells them that if she loses five more pounds they are going to have to give her a feeding tube. In a perfectly timed shot, BullshitBilly emerges from the room right after hearing about this big city way to eat without the burden of him lifting a fork. I’ll bet he is SOOOO jealous.
Back at the filming location, the three chuds decide to bring down the all important, future on the line, can’t survive without it wind turbine. All three bark out orders in complete disarray. Bore connects the guideline to the winch and proceeds to bring it down. Just like NoDuh, he fucks it up and it falls to the ground. No big deal, it’s just a disc brake rotor with old shattered wood blades glued to it. Nothing of value here.
In the short segment (Pffftt… short lol), Bore, AcidRain, and BirdBrain have a contest to see who can be the first to finish eating sticks of butter that BirdBrain found inside the filming location cabin. Sadly, BirdBrain wins because… Man, that broad REALLY loves butter. And sugar, remember?
Back to the aftermath of the disc brake rotor hitting the ground. Bore says it’s almost like a feeling of failure. ALMOST? Really? It was the exact definition of failure! He claims it’s OK because the main motorized engine mechanism part, the heart, is still in tact. Oh yeah, we can see all those intricate parts clearly! God, what bunch of bullshit. To celebrate, they howl like idiots.
Mutt and Bum talk about his accident. Here’s his story: He says the bears were really bad. To clarify, Asa steps in and narrates the fact the bears were bad. Mutt says he got overly paranoid in that situation and to… Godammit, Asa’s interrupting again to tell us that he blowed himself up with an IED made from black powder. Why can’t Mutt tell the story? Well, he claims he doesn’t remember anything except bits and flashes.
On a serious note, Mutt really looks like shit. He’s definitely on the downhill. Maybe he’ll tell us ho… What? It’s over? Just like that? Oh well, we now have two weeks to grow the brain cells lost watching this shit.
In the previews of the next episode we see Bore riding on top of the RV. I liked it better the first time I saw this stunt… In Teen Wolf! Until next time, have a bullshit day!