Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E07 A New Chapter

Alaskan Bush People Bear leaves a sign in BrowntownNOTE: There were some changes made to the timeline comments. My math was off. I apologize and have corrected it.

Can you believe the bullshit is almost over? Next week is the big two hour season (and hopefully series) finale! Until then, we’ve had to sit through another ParkSlop gem.

In the opening scene, Bore, Acidrain, and BirdBrain are still at the filming location wrapping up for their big farewell tour. The chuds want to leave a sign so that future peoples will know the Brownklownz were there. Bore makes a barely legible sign that they hang up high in a tree. I guess that’s so the giants that walk by and leave their hair up in the trees will know that an incompetent family of grifters once littered the once pristine landscape of Chichagoff Island.

After the bullshit-filled opening credits, we are reminded again that these events are still unfolding in real time. Well, no shit! Unless NoDuh invented a time warp then ALL events are still unfolding in real time… Even after a fourth-rate production craphouse like ParkSlop is done filming.

What is this drawn out bullshit about preparing for Scami’s treatment? I mean, c’mon! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! It looks like rehashed footage of the same Goddamn doctor visits from the start of the season. They’re wearing the same fucking clothes for every supposed trip! At this rate she’ll die of old age before they start the treatments because according to this ‘timeline’, the preparation takes about a year and a half. But I digress.

Back to bore building ANOTHER Goddamn fire. Wow, Bore likes to start fires. Good thing ParkSlop is showing this again since the previous ten thousand attempts at telling us how Bore builds a fire that were delivered with the subtlety of a Louisville Slugger fell on deaf ears. Maybe it will sink in THIS time.

Bore makes bullet fire starters out of spent shells and sap so him and his ‘Duh’ will have something to bring them back to the bush.

In Kaliforny, Scami is still prepping for treatment. Her blood pressure is sky high.

Oh boy, MORE of the brain-trust at the filming location tearing down the water storage tanks. Bore claims they were stacked so they could support the greenhouse. Yeah, right.. The greenhouse. Bore proves once again why he is the envy of every six-year old watching the show. He punches the water as it comes out of the storage tanks. WOW! What a MAN! He really taught that stupid water a lesson!

The three chuds wax retardingly about how much they will miss the filming location with a house built by a Ketchikan construction company they never lived in.

Back in Kaliforny, the Fuller-shits show up because they needed a check apparently. Funny how they never showed up until recently. I guess it’s so ParkSlop can try and convey that Bilky has friends he hasn’t fucked over in the past and will still speak to him. Margaret gets all teary eyed but it’s hard to feel sympathy for them. I wonder why they showed up out of the blue. Hmmmmm… I wonder. 🙂

They cut to scenes of the chuds as Scami narrates how she wants them to be in better spirits. It’s interesting that when she’s at the house in the Kali bush she seems to have a lot of energy, smiling, etc., but when they splice in more recent footage of the doctor visits she seems to be at death’s door. Yep, bullshit ‘real time’ events. Great continuity and editing job there, ParkSlop.

Back at the filming location, the three chuds rape and pillage and try and steal the porch swing they supposedly built. It takes them a long time to figure out how it’s attached. Gee, if they built it wouldn’t they know how it was attached? Oh, right… bullshit.

To prove that the porch swing is an important memory, we see ‘never before seen’ flashback footage of when Bilky and Scami were drawing the layout of what would become Browntown and she clearly says she wants a porch swing so she can rock grandbabies on it. Jesus Christ I thought we were done with this whole grandbaby bullshit.

Now it’s Bilky’s turn to espouse what Browntown means to him. He says it’s every man’s God-given right to live the way they want. Well, yeah, within reason. To this poor dumb bastard it means that he can squat wherever he wants, like a US Forestry Service cabin, and not have any consequences as a result. Apparently they also feel it’s everyone’s God given right to fish in Alaska without a license.

Back in Kaliforny, Bill Fuller-shits has a talk with Bilky on the patio. Holy Shit! Wouldn’t you know it! HE knows a guy who has a cousin who once banged a woman that was roommates with a guy whose half-brother has some land in Colorado for them! Damn, Bilky is the luckiest motherfucker on the planet! All his life he’s ran into people who are just willing to give him shit for FREE!

Apparently Bilky and Bill Fuller-shits went hunting with this guy named Roger a long time ago and now all of a sudden he has land for Bilky. Yep… Roger… Land…. Got it.

Asa tells us it’s enough land for ALL the Brownklownz! Well, what about Bum and Allison? What about NoDuh and The Night Stalker? They can’t even be bothered to come to Kaliforny when dear ol’ mom is undergoing cancer treatment. The kids are too busy staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel (at around $1500 a night) and getting expensive spa treatments. But hey, you gullible idiot fans keep trying to send them money! Dumbasses.

Back to the brain-trust at the filming location. Man, this is a BirdBrain heavy episode.

Anyhoo, they walk around and talk about things they will miss. I’m guessing the most important thing they’ll miss are the Discoverup paychecks! Oh, look! BirdBrain found next week’s script. This leads to a ten minute lesson on bush bears.

Back to Bore as he dismantles Browntown. I guess the water wasn’t the only thing that pissed him off because now he is beating the shit out of an electric fence. Man, he has a lot of pent up anger.

He tells us how everything in Browntown has been with them forever and they all bring back SOOooo many memories of years gone by. Wait a Godamn minute! We’ve been told at least four times that this family has ‘lost everything’, like when the gubmint burned down Bilky’s squatted in Forestry Service cabin, or their boat sank, or mean townspeople shot fireworks at them. How many fucking times has this family lost everything? Well, apparently never since they have a treasure trove of useless shit that they’ve had for years and hold irreplaceable memories!

Back at the filming location, the chuds eat a bush delicacy… S’Mores. Man, the bush sure does provide a plentiful bounty for these incompetent morons, doesn’t it? I wonder how long it took to hunt the marshmallows and chocolate?

As they reminisce about past campfires, we are treated to ‘Sir Not Appearing In This Film’, NoDuh. In an effort to convey that Scami’s home-skoolin’ has in any way produced educated children, he recites a few lines from Shakespeare… At least I think it’s Shakespeare. Wow, the kids can recite a few lines of classic literature. With knowledge like that their job prospects are ENDLESS! And by that I mean working at the ‘Endless Buffet’ at Golden Corral.

HEY, It’s NoDuh! He’s driving a purple shitbox down from Alaska, that’s why he hasn’t been by mom’s side during her time of need and has NOTHING to do with The Night Stalker. NoDuh did this around July 4th! Ain’t Social Media great? It makes finding these assholes and pointing out their bullshit even easier!

As NoDuh drives by, he has a ‘mystery passenger’ with him. Hmmmm… Wonder who THAT could be? She is never mentioned or shown in the episode but thank God for cinematic incompetence on ParkSlop’s part as they are not able to hide the fact she’s driving with him. Oh, and the Social Media posts from beginning summer AGO also show her with him as his shitbox constantly required maintenance along the way. At one point, it broke down near Tuba City and they suckered the tow truck driver into feeding them! Plus, at one point he fucks up and says, “This thing has been nothing but trouble since WE left Alaska.” Dumbass.

He complains that it’s like 180 degrees in the car because it has no air conditioning. He’s driving through the desert wearing all black clothes, including long pants and a long sleeve shirt. Wouldn’t a genius know how to dress properly? It’s probably the only clothes he owns.

Get ready to throw up the last three days of meals. NoDuh claims that, “Fortunately, My name’s Noah, which means I can fix anything. That’s not arrogance, that’s just a fact these days.” Wow. What a self absorbed douche.

Back at the filming location, BirdBrain says that even though they’ve grifted from place to place, leaving this one is the hardest. Man, they are really beating us up with this bullshit trying to make the helmet wearing fans think they are REALLY going to miss Browntown and NOT just for the paychecks. How will they drown their sorrow? Might I suggest The Beverly Hills Hotel and Spa?

Finally, BirdBrain, AcidRain, and Bore return to Kaliforny. Bilky tells us how the family has never stayed in one place too long. I’m guessing because of evictions and Illegal Occupation of Premises Notices? Oh, and gross incompetence as a boat skipper.

Bore examines Mutt for signs of a brain. He tells Mutt that they saw where the accident happened and that he was very lucky. They reminisce about a sled that they dangerously rode off a small cliff and Bore landed head first. Thank God he landed on his head, otherwise actual damage might have been done. How any of these chuds lived past the age of five is amazing to me.

As AcidRain cooks for Scami, she’s wearing a yellow dress from the June Cleaver Collection. What kind of image is she going for? Definately different than the SAME SHIRT she’s been wearing since she became a Social Media star with upwards of eight fans.

In the short segment, The chuds make a Time Capsule to leave in Browntown. I’m sure it will soon be in the bucket end of a bulldozer when the ACTUAL owner of the land comes in and cleans it.

Finally, Bilky unveils their plans to move to Colorado. Scami say’s it’s right near where they first fell in love with the forest. What are the odds? Bore asks if there are trees there. Wow, after getting a first class home-skoolin’ education from Scami you would think he’d know that Colorado has trees? I guess his time was spent learning to recite a few lines of Shakespeare and a five-minute chemistry lesson using garbage on a beach.

Alaskan Bush People move to Colorado

Bilky say’s home is really where all of them are together. I guess they are homeless because they are spread all over between San Diego, Topanga, Tuba City, Beverly Hills, etc.. Bilky says NoDuh is headed to Kaliforny but they will leave a note so that he will know to try and limp his shitbox to Colorado (the Camaro, not The Night Stalker). Enough of the bullshit already. Just call him on his cell phone and quit acting like you assholes are still so ‘remote’ and ‘bush’ that you need to leave notes. Just have AcidRain post it on Social Media!

Oh boy! They’re all excited to take the trip. Don’t worry, they’ll be back in Kaliforny soon enough and enjoying the bush lifestyle of Beverly Hills and San Diego.

Stay tuned for the 2-hour finale. It’ll have more bullshit than a cattle yard!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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16 Responses to Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E07 A New Chapter

  1. Tim says:

    You outdid yourself with this one! Good job! For me the best part in the whole recap is where you gave “credit” to Park Slop for all the stupid decisions their producers made in trying to convince viewers what they’re seeing is a sincere, wonderful family. “ParkSlop gem” and “Fourth rate production craphouse” are spot on!

  2. Don says:

    Whoever wrote this is a stupid, mindless moron!

  3. Diana J says:

    Once again another phenomenal recap. I was looking forward to reading this all week. Did you notice that while no-duh was blabbering about his camaro ride in the sun not once did we hear an -aaaaah at the end of any word!! I thought I was just too tired and frankly not really paying attention to the bull shit but I rewound it and yes there was not one single -aaaaah. I’m shocked I’m able to comment I damn near had a heart attackie lol.

  4. “Back in Kaliforny, Bill Fuller-shits has a talk with Bilky on the patio. Holy Shit! Wouldn’t you know it! HE knows a guy who has a cousin who once banged a woman that was roommates with a guy whose half-brother has some land in Colorado for them! Damn, Bilky is the luckiest motherfucker on the planet! All his life he’s ran into people who are just willing to give him shit for FREE!”

    Lost it on that one Beavis…. haha…

    What are we going to see on the next show ??? Can it get any worse ?

    This had to be the most stupidest, incomprehensible, silliest episode ever to air of the Browns and their cult of mindless bullshit…

    And it looks like you have a new fan named ‘Don’ (actual name ‘Bill Fuller and wife Margaret’), make sure, everyone out there, to say ‘hi’ to ‘Don’ and welcome him/them to Railing Kill…

    Thanks Beavis !!!!

  5. ToNo says:

    “How any of these chuds lived past the age of five is amazing to me.”

    I’m guessing for every one that made it past the age of five there’s two or three Brown kids that never made it. Based off Bilkey and Scami’s incompetence I’m sure there’s a dozen plus past tense Brown’s.

    Bore was one of those kids given up for brain dead yet somehow still manages to beat the odds.

  6. Diana J says:

    Speaking of how did these chudsblive past 5. Did you see when bore was running with the machete and almost tripped. That would have split his little 4’3 ass in half. How much dumber can you get running while swinging a machete? Oooops. I mean “echstreme”. So much for Darwinism. I also wish they showed us what bore claims he found of the “aftermath” of mutts accident that happened…..I lost count…..30 mins to 2 days away lol

  7. Lisa says:

    Thank you for the OUTSTANDING review. Laughing so hard I was crying 😂😂😂. EPIC!

  8. So funny! You make me laugh so hard!

  9. terri z says:

    why did the narrator never say where in colorado they are????just south west colorado could that be dolores colorado? why was the license plate on the RV blurred, where did they get the RV from and why did they stop at a motel, when they are traveling on a home on wheels?????

  10. JimmyJ says:

    Jesus Christ I thought we were done with this whole grandbaby bullshit.

    RFLMFAO

  11. T-Tommy says:

    Hey Beavis. Great re-cap as usual.

    Can wait for your re-cap of the thrilling 2 hour final episode of the season, or maybe forever???? The overall stupidity of the Brown clowns is beyond my wildest expectations. Just when I think it can’t get any worse, the Browns find new ways lower the bar.

    I hear calls from my fellow bloggers herein to cancel this horrible show but I must disagree. I hope this comedy goes on forever. I feel a kindred spirit with you and the people who join in to poke fun at this family of lowlife idiots.

    My guess is that Discovery is not going to walk away from this cash-cow. Time will tell!

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