Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E08 Blazing A New Trail

Hey, it’s time for the all new, big, action packed 2-hour season finale of Alaskan Bullshit People! Actually, it’s about twenty minutes of new stuff surrounded rehashed bullshit and flashbacks.

This episode is called Blazing A New Trail. Since the Brownklownz are in Colorado I’m guessing it was a different kind of blazing 😉

Let’s get started! The Brownklownz try and keep Mr. Crapcake from getting into the car. He doesn’t know how lucky he is.

Next, Asa spends five minutes telling us what we’re going to see in the next two hours. Why? We’re watching the Godamn show why do we need to be prepared for shit that’s going to be on shortly?

So, 8-weeks ago according to this episode, we see Bum, Bore, and ‘Desperately Seeking Attention’ AcidRain. They are bored because mom has cancer and they have nothing to do. AcidRain must be having withdrawals not posting on Social Media for more than ten minutes.

…And it begins, the fucking flashbacks. Bullshit from seasons past scroll by as Bilky narrates.

Back in Kaliforny, the three chuds continue talking about moving to Colorado. Doesn’t matter. I’m sure Bum will move wherever Allison tells him and NoDuh will most likely end up living in an empty refrigerator box behind some bar in some unfortunate city somewhere.

Bilky tells his chuds how great it is to be uneducated and unemployed. They don’t have a schedule or a boss or anything stupid like that! They live their wonderful life grifting from place to place, never having anything of value or substance to call their own. Did Bilky ever stop and think that maybe this Joe Dirt lifestyle might fit him but that his chuds might have larger dreams and aspirations than living day to day off scraps?

He believes it’s a terrible thing for parents to raise their kids with jobs and homes and education. Who needs that shit?

Now it’s Mutt’s camera time. They show some unseen bullshit featuring him in Browntown making a peanut butter sandwich to hold in one hand and a flaming sword in the other. Someone, please get this guy some help. Or not, I don’t really care.

Next, Scami tells the chuds the story of how right after Bilky married her when she was fifteen he took her to Colorado. That’s where they fell in love with the forest. For some reason this leads to us seeing MORE unseen bullshit from when Bore was ‘cleaning’ up Browntown. He shows us the mechanical bull they built as a prop for when Bilky’s daughter, Twyla, from his first wife came to the filming location looking for a paycheck.

Bore tries telling us it’s a Browntown treasure. He gets on it and starts acting like a six-year old… Which is better than the four-year old he usually acts like. It’s broken and doesn’t work but he hams it up for the fawning middle-aged house fraus that drool over this challenged man-child. It’s embarassing, even for him. It looks like the poor dumb bastard is trying to impregnate a 55-gallon drum. Sadly, it’s probably the most action he’s had since he found that sock.

On a side note, is the show slowly becoming all about Bore? He got a TON of camera time this episode. I guess since Bum, Wolverine, and NoDuh are apparently leaving this shitshow, ParkSlop needs to find a new annoying chud to focus on. I guess they’re hoping for a spin-off or something to keep those checks coming in!

Sit back and enjoy twelve minutes of more flashback bullshit, mostly showing how ParkSlop got them the SS Grifter to pursue their bullshit hauling business in seasons past.

OK, now we’re back to some new foo… Nope, more unseen footage. In this segment, they let Acidrain drive the boat. Knowing her it was Instagram’d about ten minutes later. AcidRain tries telling us that she was born on a boat, yet in seasons past, Scami said she she was born in a hospital and they named her after stuff they saw on the windshield on the way to the hospital. Man, the story seems to change whenever it’s convenient to spin their bullshit tales. Truth be told, I’ll bet they’ve told so many bullshit stories about their lives they can’t remember what really happened.

More bullshit about Bilky and his boat captaining skillz. Snore.

OK, NOW maybe some new stuff? Well, here’s Wolverine and Mutt sitting on the porch. They complain there’s nothing to do. Gee, why not get a fucking JOB and move forward with your life! Jesus Christ I’ve never heard unemployed people talk so much about being bored in my life! What, did they expect sitting on their asses with no education or demonstrable skills would be wildly entertaining?

After more flashbacks, we get some ne… Wait, no, more flashbacks. Previous hunting trips, blah blah blah.Bilky talks about how he likes to hunt, which most likely involves sitting on his ass in a warm house while his dull-witted chuds provide food for him. I’ve never seen this asshole hunt, yet he talks like he’s friggin’ Ted Nugent.

In some never-before-seen bullshit footage, Mutt uses deer antlers to put knobs on the cabin they didn’t build and only occasionally go into when filming requires it.

Back to the Bore Show. He’s building a hammock. Bore claims he can’t do anything except run fast and look good doing it. Good Lord. Too bad being Ek-SHTREEM doesn’t pay the bills, but acting like a jackass on a 3rd rate TV show does.

Now Asa lectures us on how the Brownklownz are so eco-friendly they re-use everything. Bore compares the Brownklownz to the ancient Egyptians. That’s like comparing a dog’s asshole to Prime Rib. These delusional chuds really do have an inflated sense of self worth. I haven’t seen narcissism like this since the last episode!

Now it’s BirdBrain’s turn for five minutes of camera time. She again compares them to the Egyptians as the move a log about twenty feet along the ground.

Bum speaks one of the most honest things ever said on the show. He said they know how to do a lot of things carpentry related, but they don’t know how to do them correctly… Except for Bilky. Bum claims Bilky is classically trained in the art of construction, just like he’s trained in the art of authoring Children’s books and skippering a boat.

Jesus more flashbacks of how Bore built a treehouse to live in. A fucking thirty-year old man living in a treehou… Oh wait, they don’t live there. I’m sure he’s more comfortable at the Belaggio or The Beverly Hills Hotel.

He waxes on and on about his super cool knot. Dad taught him well in that he learned if you fuck something up, make it sound like you meant to do it. He decides to build a rope swing and ties the end into a messy, tangled web of failure. However, he claims it’s what he calls an Ek-SHTREEM knot! He flubs his way through made up bullshit about how it’s a regular knot with other knots tied in the middle then braided and… Just stop.

It fails miserably, or succeeds wildly… Depending on your perspective.

Apparently another spinoff idea is a cooking show featuring Bore and Margaret Fuller-shits. He claims that she is a great chef and should have her own restaurant based on the fine dining cuisine she makes from Rice Chex cereal and Goldfish Crackers mixed in a bowl. Jesus Christ, what are we watching? Bore claims it would taste better if it were on fire.

Oh wait, they’re going to make a pie. Surely this will highlight the skills needed to be a restaurant owning chef. Nope, they mix blueberries and strawberries and pour it onto a pie crust. My GOD, the culinary skills on display are staggering! Martha Stewart is probably shitting her Depends seeing her empire being threatened by the one-two culinary punch of Bore and Margaret Fuller-shits.

In more unseen bullshit, Bilky gives Scami a knife for their anniversary. What year is cutlery? Scami says she knows what to do with the knife. If I were her I’d slit my wrists and escape this bullshit.

OK, now on to the second hour of the Bullshit Show. Again, we see Bore doing mundane chores acting like his life has purpose. He takes out the trash and jumps on it like a chimp.

Oh boy, here’s Bilky laying it on thick as he tells us there’s a lot of blood, sweat, and tears that built Browntown. Well, someone ELSE’s I imagine, not theirs.

The Brownklownz, minus NoDuh and Wolverine, plan their trip to Colorado to look at some magic land that just happened to fall into Bilky’s lap. They pack up an old broken down RV and head on out.

Wouldn’t you know it, the RV doesn’t have AC and BirdBrain knocks over the only big fan.

Here comes the bullshit ‘fish-out-of-water’ sequence where the Brownklownz act all amazed and mesmerized at the big city lights of Vegas. What, didn’t you see them the numerous times you’ve been there already? BirdBrain asks if it’s always this hot in Vegas and if they’ll get Rewards Points if they stay at the Bellagio again.

As the temperature rises, Scami must pull over and rest. They stay at a hotel that looks nothing like what they are used to when visiting Vegas.

As they leave the hotel, Bore decides to ruin the pool for the other guests by jumping in it with his clothes on. With his FRIGGIN’ CLOTHES ON! What a Goddamn scuzbucket. Can you imagine the trail of dirt, garbage, and shit that fell off of him while wading across the pool?

Scami has to pull over again. Other than that, nothing interesting happens for ten minutes.

Big surprise, more Bore and BirdBrain. This time they’re on the roof of the RV frying an egg to show how hot it is. BirdBrain recreates a scene from Flashdance as she pours bottled water over her head because it’s SOOOO hot. Next the girlz show up with a bucket of water balloons and act spontaneous by throwing them at Bore, who horribly overreacts and hits his sisters HARD with water balloons he picked up off the ground.

Next they tell us about Wolverine who is sad and doesn’t want to be on the this shitshow anymore. Good for him! He doesn’t need this bullshit. He has a great career ahead of him as an Instagram nobody or professional starer-at-things.

Oh boy! Here comes NoDuh! He finally limped his broken down shitbox to Colorado to be with his muh and duh. Still no mention of where Rhain (spelled differently of course) is at, although anyone with a clue knows that she’s right there with him. As is Allison with Bum.

Finally, the reunited chuds cram into their small Class-C RV and head to their new home! Yeah! As they drive they are disappointed that there isn’t a lot of trees and forest around.

When they arrive, they claim it’s everything they’ve ever dreamed of… Just like the first half dozen or so places you found to squat at over the years until you lost everything, woe is me, have to start over again.

Bore walks through the forest and rubs scat on him so he can smell like his surroundings and feel at home. He searches for a tree so he can have ParkSlop build him another tree house for filming next season (if there is one). I think it’s pretty sad that the only dreams and aspirations of this ‘man’ in his thirties is to live in a tree house next to his muh and duh.

Mutt builds a grasshopper catcher to show us how bush he is by hunting for food. Yeah right. I bet ten minutes after ParkSlop yelled “CUT” he was nose-deep into a Denny’s Grand Slam.

Next, AcidRan and BirdBrain talk about their house. AcidRain doesn’t want to live with BirdBrain and her parents. She decides she’s going to build her own house. Yep, an uneducated fourteen year old Instagram dud is going to build herself a house… in Colorado. I hope they also build a spa.

NoDuh doesn’t like it. He complains it’s hot, while at the same time wearing long black pants with a long black shirt and a black hat. Get ready for his big career decision after the break!

Oh boy, here goes Bore again challenging a real bear with all of his massive five-foot nothing frame. He will be missed.

Back to Mutt. He thinks he needs protection (from what I have NO idea) so he makes a spear?!?! It’s basically a branch he found on the ground and made a dull point at one end. Oh Christ, Mutt’s wearing a man bun.

NoDuh and Bum walk to the edge of a cliff and unfortunately stop. He asks NoDuh where he wants to build his house. He says he doesn’t want to live here as he found someone else to tell him what to do. NoDuh is all bloated and out of shape. Shackin’ up with The Night Stalker must be filling!

The Parents Of The Year brag about how they’ve been married 38 years and have absolutely nothing to show for it except a mountain of bullshit and seven dumb chuds that will be nothing but a drain on society for the rest of their lives.

Thank God there’s a commercial break. The Charmin Bears talking about wiping their ass is immensely more entertaining than what I’ve been watching on Discoverup for the last two hours.

NoDuh breaks the news to his muh and duh that he wants to be the Sheriff of a small town. WOW! A Sheriff! Let’s see, it’s an elected position and you never went to school, have no diploma, never held a job in your life other than being a self absorbed douche-nozzle on a third-rate reality show that is total bullshit…You should have NO trouble convincing people to vote for you, give you a gun, and putting you in charge of law enforcement! I laughed so fucking hard when he said that. At least he already has the spurs.

NoDuh says he decided this after hearing voices in his head telling him to become a cop… Or a man that drives a choo-choo train.

At the end, most of the Brownklownz say goodbye and thank you to their fans. Wolverine is missing. Let’s hope and PRAY that this is the last we see of these shitstains. They pose for one last photo. Thankfully, online you can find pictures that were taken after the cameras were off and look… There’s Rhain and Allison! How come they weren’t mentioned during this ‘reality’ show episode?

On a serious note, we sincerely wish Ami the best during her treatments and hope all things related go well.

So, until next season (if there is one), we say MORE… Bullshit!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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21 Responses to Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E08 Blazing A New Trail

  1. And we are at the end of another BS season … is it season 5 or 7 or who the f**k cares anymore ????

    In the flashback of building the Brown shack in the woods, one of the total idiots mentions (as you do Beavis, and I do not mean you are an idiot by any means) that Pop is the one with the master carpenter skills… Uh-huh… And then proclaim that they have no master carpenter skills, not even apprentice skills… hmmmm… The family has lived alone for many years in the wild, building house and shack alike, yet not one of the turds has picked up on Billy’s amazing skills as a master carpenter/jack of no trades… Why wasn’t Billy teaching them this one seemingly very important lesson, with Ami coaching with rocks and sticks in the sand ??? And in several Billy monologues (Billylogues), Big Daddy tells all of us gullible viewers how he has taught the imbeciles ‘everything he knows’… Get me a hammer and nail my head to a coffee table PLEASE !!!! Send in the Piranha Brothers !!!

    The RV, the new digs in Co, the moaning about heat (while wrapped head to toe in winter clothing), the cancer, the peacock, the flashbacks, oh my…. And they, and their loyal fans, seem perplexed why we write these recaps to heal the pain of watching what was once promised as a very entertaining reality show…

    See you next season my friend… more…

    • Beavis says:

      Thanks as always and ’til then stay in touch!

      • If anyone is curious about the remark I made about nailing my head to a coffee table, or the Piranha Brothers, it is a sketch that Monty Python did way back when… The Piranha Bros were evil gangsters (based on the real life Kray Brothers), whose fellow gang members spoke highly of them, no matter what, even denying getting treated horribly, until the fellow gangsters were shown proof of what happened, and even after that, still spoke praises of the Piranha Brothers. Totally stupid but very very funny…

        The sketch reminds me that no matter what you do to disprove the Browns, and their endless antics, the loyal and gullible fans will still believe it all in droves, even when shown that what they are watching is totally unbelievable…

        To see the Monty Python sketch, click on the link…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZkWL-XvO0U

        • Beavis says:

          Holy crap I DO remember that! That show was awesome because my parents thought it was dumb so they would send me off to watch it by myself. They never knew they showed titties! 🙂

          BTW didn’t the Pirhanna Brothers try and shakedown an Army base for protection money?

          • My #1 favorite television program ever… I was a huge fan, even got Michael Palin’s autograph !

            The ‘Army Protection Racket’ sketch (that you mentioned) didn’t have the Piranha Bros in it… It was equally funny, but had the ‘Vercotti Bros’, Dino and Luigi, trying to extort the Colonel until he stopped the sketch for being too silly… hilarious ! Palin and Jones are just so over the top…

            see it here…

            https://youtu.be/DNj1dXi-z0M

            Sorry Colonel, things break…

    • lalobagirl says:

      Always good to hear from you, R.O. ! See ya next season, (I guess?)

  2. lalobagirl says:

    Hello Beavis – Another rapier-sharp review ! Smoky and the Bandit is one of my all-time fave flicks, and when I scrolled down to the pic of Noah and Gabe, I bust a gut laughing, and my husband wanted to know what was so funny. I tried to explain, but I just couldn’t get it all out and I kept pointing to my computer screen. My husband came over, took one look, and HE busted up laughing. Good job there, Beavis ! I am still wondering where in the deep-fried Hell WHERE they came up with the ‘sheriff’ idea?! Is it the Night Stalker’s idea? Nah – she wouldn’t be on TV then !!! When I first saw that B &W photo, my first thought was, “That conniving whore is pregnant !! Oh Noah, you dug yourself a DEEP hole now, bud! Dumb Ass!” I DO think there is a bun in the oven; but dear God, SOMEONE, ANYONE prove me WRONG !! I DO think the show is becoming ‘The Bore Show’ simply to try and save it. With Ami sick, Matt tweaking (and catching grasshoppers! smh!) and Gabe, Bam, and Noah disappearing, there’s not a whole lot left to work with. BTW…WHY would you pack up the Fam in an RV where THE AC DOESN’T WORK and you’re DRIVING THROUGH DEATH VALLEY ???? OH God, WHY do I question these thing anymore?? It’s gonna be interesting where this Turdburger’s gonna land !? Love ya, Beavis!

    • Beavis says:

      Right back at ya! I love your questions because they point out what’s so obvious about the situation, but no fan dares to ask!

      PS – I would watch The Bore Show 🙂

      • lalobagirl says:

        Well, thank you for the lovely compliment, Beavis ! That made my day! Yeah we’d HAVE to watch “The Bore Show” – so much to snark about! LOL ! Say, do you do any other reviews that I could read since the Circus has packed up and left town? Have a great day, Sweetie!

      • lalobagirl says:

        https://youtu.be/xnRwQjTYfGI Came across this on YouTube tonight…and I post it in your honor, Beavis ! Thinking of a parody of “S&TB” with the Browns…OMG – Priceless!

  3. ToNo says:

    Beavis , I almost laughed out a lung with these treasures…

    … “Martha Stewart is probably shitting her depends seeing her empire being threatened by the one-two culinary punch of Bore and Margaret Fuller-shits.”

    … your Buford T Justice reference with “Sum-Bitch-Ayyyyyyy”

    Between R.O. and your writing skills, Discovery should sign on both of you and let you two write a MS3000 type show using the brownclown footage.

    I believe Bore was abandoned as a baby by a drifting band of carneys. His freakish rat-like features and wardrobe choices proves my theory.

    • lalobagirl says:

      Good points ToNo! LOL !

    • Beavis says:

      I think I mentioned to RO that I was actually looking into a stream that would sync with a commentary voiceover so we could give it the old MST3K treatment. maybe something to think about in the off-season… Although I said that last season… Stupid work and stuff keeps getting in the way 🙂

      Oh, and thanks for the comments!

      • lalobagirl says:

        Well, thank you for the lovely compliment, Beavis ! That made my day! Yeah we’d HAVE to watch “The Bore Show” – so much to snark about! LOL ! Say, do you do any other reviews that I could read since the Circus has packed up and left town? Have a great day, Sweetie! Hey – I’m a BIG “MS3K” fan !! Snark City, man ! LOL ! Try and work on that Beavis and R.O. – I’m there !

  4. JimmJ says:

    More 🙂

  5. WFB says:

    As much as I love these recaps (thank you for all the laughs), I want this show to end. It’s troubling to see MethMutt lying unconscious in the RV or tweaking away with mystery sores. MethMutt needs to return to rehab asap.

    I think the editors are sick of the klownz. I love the shot of the “No Swimming” sign and the unknown voice saying Bore shouldn’t be on top of the RV (DUH…)

    • lalobagirl says:

      Yes, it has been scary watching Matt On Meth. He’s tweakin’ big time! Although, there HAVE been a few pics of him out and about lately, in a nice black suit, and his skin looked good and his eyes were clear. He’s had some real demons to deal with, and I hope he overcomes them. I hope he is starting to think about Life after-ABP. He’s bright, personable, good-looking…but ill-equipped to deal with the Real World. None of them are. Thanks, Billy, you Ultimate Asshole. By shoving YOUR dream down everyone’s throats so that YOU wouldn’t have to work an honest job and provide for your wife and kids; your wife is dying and all but one of your children have NO idea of what Real Life is. And you will probably guilt-trip them to Hell and back, saying that they have to take care of their ‘ol, sick, Da. I say Bullshit, and the kids write a tell-all.

  6. lakerman1 says:

    Good work, Beavis.
    Here’s a thought.
    The timeline of the lung cancer diagnosis was in a news article yesterday. Ami said she was diagnosed with loung cancer in June of 2016.
    That means the odd mishmash of clips over the past month, are disconnected in time, even though every episode begins with, ‘these events are unfolding in real time…’
    All events unfold in real time, except for Stewie and his time travel machine on Family Guy. Park Slop chooses not to run the clips in chronological order.
    This hideously distorted, meaningless slop offered in this abbreviated season is beyond belief, even for someone as stupid as one of the Browns.

    • Beavis says:

      Nice work, Lakerman. Do you remember the article? I know they’ve done a few interviews with magazines but didn’t read any myself.

      • lakerman1 says:

        Fox News ran the article, I believe.
        If the article was accurate on the June 2016 diagnosis date, it is inexplicable for the treatments to have been delayed for so long.
        The timeline means nothing, since Park Slop and Discovery have jumped back and forth on showing events with the Brownclowns. Noah departed from the Browntown set, supposedly to go see Ami, but disappeared for 3 months, and didn’t see her until he arrived in Colorado. And that is just one example.
        I have thought about how the saga can continue if and when Ami dies. Perhaps Discovery will try to get another year out of flashbacks, with a few new scenes, with Gabe, Matt and Bam visiting from time to time. There are enough true believers to watch the show, even as twisted as things are.
        Last night, I watched the final 2 hours again, and it was amusing in that the Brownclowns, during the first hour, must have been told to use two words as much as possible – nomadic, and forest. They moved from the ‘bush’ mantra to ‘forest’ mantra , and one of the runts even said that in all their time in Alaska, Billy always talked about Colorado. (I never once heard Billy say one damned word about Colorado.)
        Finally, I have to wonder if Noah has been going through sex reassignment treatments, and Rhain is just his beard. He showed cleavage in the final hour, with cute titties. And he looked pregnant, with his belly pooched out.

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