ABP Episode Recap S03:E06 Dead In The Water

Hey, look at that, another week and another insult to human intelligence known as Alaskan Bush People airs another bullshit filled episode. In this hour, the boyz wreck the boat again after it’s been mysteriously moved to the Gustavus dock, DuhVinciNoah and the wonder twins construct a chicken coop, and ParkSlop explains how SpotlessAmi got her teefers fixed! I wonder how many halibut that cost?

Alaskan Bush People trebuchetThe episode starts right where it left off with the Brownklown boyz about to need medical assistance (again) while playing with a trebuchet they just happened to find in someone’s front yard. All this season we’ve been lectured, especially by BullshitBilly Karesh, that the Brownklownz needed to work really hard and get ready for the tough Alaskan winter… Although I don’t know why because it seems they’re spending this winter in Seattle. I guess to these grifters ‘planning for winter’ means making reservations on Travelocity.

Anyway, if preparing for winter is the most important thing, why are they wasting their time trying to barter for a trebuchet? Oh right, I keep forgetting it’s all bullshit. The owner of the trebuchet never says what he wants for it, but Mutt explains the man said he would just give it to them. With that, the man brings the trebuchet on a front-loader to the SS Grifter which has now mysteriously been able to dock. Remember last week they couldn’t dock like normal boats so they had to trespass? Did the boyz get kicked off the ‘No Trespassing’ state float they anchored to last week? If so, who drove the boat to the dock? Captain Hazelwood, Jr. sure couldn’t have done it. But lets just go along with the bullshit, we’re already committed at this point.

They also load the finished wood sculpture from last week’s guest star Stevie Wonder Bread. Hold on… Just how much money could they make hauling a washer and dryer and returning with a small wooden bear sculpture? That wouldn’t pay for the fuel to get in and out of the dock never mind paying for all this traveling.

Alaskan Bush People bear problemAnyhoo, back to the filming location. BullshitBilly explains that the bear activity around their company built home on leased land is increasing because of winter. This seems to take BullshitBilly by surprise. You would think living ‘bush’ for the last 30 years might have made him slightly aware of the fact that bears will approach campsites and cabins and can be dangerous. Their massive amount of collective bush experience seems to have amounted to absolutely nothing since they have no idea how to thwart these bears and keep them out of their shanty-town.

Next BullshitBilly informs his children (two of which are adults) that he needs something built for him… A chicken coop to keep the chickens away from bears. This will ensure BullshitBilly will have plenty of food before his next hibernation coma.

Alaskan Bush people build a chicken coopWe see Birdbrain, AcidRain, and DuhVinciNoah hammering the floor joists into place. DuhVinciNoah is all dolled up in his best Renaissance Fair clothing, which as we all know is best suited for construction. This chicken coop falls into the same BS category as last week’s water system in that we see them slapping some floor-boards on, then some sideboards, and wham it’s done! Look close at the final construction and tell me that a dandy poof and two teenage girls built that chicken coop! Oh, and where did they get all that lumber and concrete blocks for the footing? The BrownKlownz must have gotten a Home Depot gift card for Christmas.

Now back to Gustavus and Stevie Wonder Bread. He has completed the small sculpture but before it can go he has to smash in marbles for eyes and claws. Mutt explains he lost his marbles a long time ago. No kidding. Finally the statue is ready and the massive, well paying, family future on the line hauling job is back in action.

Alaskan Bush People Ami misses the kids (again)Cut back to the filming location where BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi have started reciting another boring, pathetically sad mantra of ‘I miss the boys’, ‘don’t like being apart’, ‘hope they’re OK’ bullshit. Blah blah blah. My GOD woman, the kids are in their late 20’s and early 30’s and you act like they’re six years old going on their first overnight camping trip! I seriously think there is something very wrong with this woman. Supporters of this bullshit call it a ‘strong family tie’, I call it ‘dysfunctional emotional smothering’.

BullshitBilly says he learned everything by ‘trying and failing’. Well, he’s half right. Although it seems he didn’t learn anything because he still fails miserably at everything he tries. SpotlessAmi says she’s especially worried because her boyz haven’t had to ‘wear all those different masks that people in society have to wear to protect themselves.‘ WOW! What great dime-store bush psychology. Can you explain it with rocks and sticks? Those aren’t masks, dummy, it’s called a personality! Something none of your slurred-speech chuds seem to have. Her ‘insight’ is important later in the episode so keep it in mind.

Alaskan bush People load the trebuchetNext we go back to the Hoonah dock where the SS Grifter is be… Wait a minute, ParkSlop! How did the boat get to the dock? Last week, Captain Hazelwood, Jr. couldn’t do it so they had to trespass on a state-owned floating dock? Oh well, let’s just go with it because if they didn’t insert phony bullshit they wouldn’t have been able to load the B-Roll script fodder… I mean trebuchet.

It’s quite obvious someone was brought in to dock the boat because poor Bum can’t even leave the dock without almost sinking it. He can’t figure out the angle or speed and scrapes the side of the boat (again) against the dock (again).

Once out to sea, we’re treated again to another tired old bush plot point… The sea is getting mildly wavy! Oh-No’s! We get another lesson about how rough the seas can get in Alaska. Bum discovers there is something wrong with the throttle. Wolverine is unable to fix it and the SS Grifter is floating haplessly in the water without power. Mutt gets on a walkie-talkie and lucky for him a ParkSlop PA doing ADR nearby fishing vessel hears their distress call and comes to the rescue. They are able to tow them into Hoonah.

Mutt and  Bum talk about how great it is that people in the community come out to help them. This seems to happen a lot, yet they continue to talk about how great it is living isolated and alone. If they truly lived that way where would they get the emergency evac’s and emergency room visit’s they so frequently need?

Alaskan Bush people chicken coopBullshitBilly awakes from his post-breakfast pre-lunch nap to check on the progress of the chicken coop. Magically, the frame is built and roof joists are in place. ParkSlop inserts twenty seconds of DuhVinciNoah and the wonder twins hammering a few boards to the side and discuss building a chicken mailbox. This is supposed to convey that they built this large wooden 12-foot tall frame by themselves… Just the three of them… A dandy and two teenage girls… OKaaaayyyyyy.

Back to Mutt, Bum, Wolverine, ExtremeBore, and the rest of the Three Stooges as they finally get their boat towed into the Hoonah Dock. It seems to take several boats to get them in place. I guess Bum was trying to ram the dock again the whole time and these people were trying to keep their dock from being destroyed. Too bad they couldn’t keep the Brownklownz from scuttling their last boat and and abandoning it in the harbor.

Alaskan bush People fix the IntegrityNow that the SS Grifter is safely in dock they begin trying to fix the engine problem. Wolverine quickly decides a shoelace will fix the throttle problem, but Mutt discovers there might be water in the fuel line.

After a quick test of the fuel tank they determine that everything should be OK and decide to head back out to sea and to the filming location.

The boys get to shore and are greeted by the rest of the Brownklownz except SpotlessAmi. They are a bit nervous about telling dear old dad what happened during the trip, fearing he might be mad. Surprisingly, he is happy they had the experience and were able to get through it without sinking the boat, which so far is much better than BullshitBilly ever seemed to accomplish.

BullshitBilly and the clan travel out to the SS Grifter to see the trebuchet. They all talk about how cool it is and how this will certainly get them through the winter. But they’ll be in Seattle so it doesn’t really matter.

As soon as the boyz arrive, the whole family leaves again. I guess they wanted to leave for a bit because the landlord that owns the land might come by to collect rent but the ParkSlop crew is in Hoonah filling out job applications in case the Brownklownz go to jail later this year.

Alaskan bush people Noah plays chess

I’ll bet when he plays Bush-Monopoly, he’s the Top-Hat!

The Brownklownz are going halibut fishing. The narrator tells us they bear-proof the house in preparation for their trip. Apparently not very well because a bear breaks in later in the episode. Wouldn’t a family that lived in the bush for 30 years be able to bear-proof a house?

After reaching the fishing grounds, the Brownklown boyz begin arguing while laying the fishing lines. After some grumbling the lines are in the water and the crew sites back to relax for a  bit… Except for BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi who are constantly at rest. Birdbrain feeds her cats, and DuhVinciNoah prepares for a game of Poker.

Back from commercial we are treated to the obligatory short-segment where ParkSlop explains where SpotlessAmi was last week. No, not in court… She was getting her teefers fixed! How bush! I guess the talent show a couple of weeks ago paid off. She Alaskan Bush People - Ami got new teeth!explains she is happy because there is no more pain. Once again this is coming from someone who spent the first season lecturing to us about why they don’t believe in modern medicine and don’t like going to city doctors. Second, she says she no longer has to feel self conscious about her summer teeth (some’r here, some’r over there). Wait… wouldn’t that be considered a ‘mask’ that big city peoples have to wear? Why would you worry about that if you spend all your time in the bush with your family? I guess this winter while your touring around Seattle you can smile to all your gullible fans and not feel so ‘bush’.

After some waiting, the Brownklown boyz haul up the lines with even more fighting and bickering. They catch a small amount of fish that will probably only last until they get back to shore. For some reason they decide to sleep in Hoonah. No, not at the Misty Bay Lodge, on the SS Grifter (or so we’re told, we never see them). This is so that bears have a chance to enter their filming location and trash it so ParkSlop can trot out the worn out mantra of ‘lost everything’, ‘must start over’, ‘whoah is me’ BS they’ve been peddling since S01:E01.

In the scenes from next week’s episode, BullshitBilly demands his adult children provide for him by creating a bear deterrent. ExtremeBore becomes depressed because he thinks the family doesn’t want him around anymore. Surely this calls for a bush genius to come up with some new, original method of bear control!

We’ll have to wait and see on next week’s bullshit packed episode of Alaskan Bullshit People!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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3 Responses to ABP Episode Recap S03:E06 Dead In The Water

  1. Maureen says:

    Gotta love this stuff with the bears! Not sure if you saw this, but someone started a Twitter for the “Bear of Brown Town.”

    https://twitter.com/ImABearGrrr

    Many of you are asking why they don’t just shoot the bear….We took their guns, too #OneStepAhead #AlaskanBushPeople

  2. lakerman1 says:

    Stevie Wonder is a truly gifted chain saw artist. Why would he allow these strangers to cut down a large tree next to his house, with the risk of squashing the house??
    And why don’t these idiots use a hand cart to move stuff from the boat? And why didn’t they fix the throttle at sea?

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