ABP Episode Recap S02:E16 Never Give Up

Alaskan bush People - Ami nags BillyHang on to your hats! In this week’s action packed episode the Brownclownz actually deliver something they told someone they would, Mutt pokes his eye out, and after successfully spending more than they made, they return to the filming location and found it’s been Browned!

In the opening scene, we pick up where we left off. BullshitBilly discovers The SS Grifter has a hole and he needs to plug it. SpotlessAmi is right there to constantly point out that the boat is a piece of shit, making him realize that there are now TWO holes he needs to plug up!

This of course brings on the never-ending, boring, and no longer believable mantra that the family’s future is in jeopardy, clock is ticking, need to survive, and ‘whoa is me…’. BullshitBilly decides to patch the hole (the one in the boat) and they will risk going out into the dangerous 1-foot high waves and hope they make it!

Next we see the Brownclown Boyz going through town picking up the cargo they are tasked to deliver. Mutt and ExtremeBore pick up new wrestling mats for an 8-student school, while Wolverine and Bum get two goats.

Alaskan Bush People - loading a deskBullshitBilly has to borrow a truck in order to pick up another item. It’s a desk made out of an old, rusted Chevy front end with cabinet drawers underneath. The narrator tells us it’s to be delivered to an ‘eclectic’ customer. In the lower 48, that’s known as a ‘junk collector’. BullshitBilly backs up the truck and the Boyz waste no time loading the tetanus inducing desk.

When they get back to the dock, it takes SIX of them to unload a 400 pound desk. Wait, didn’t we just see in the last couple of episodes that it only took TWO Brownclown Boyz to lift a 600 pound oil drum, but now it takes six of them to lift a desk?! Oh that’s right… It was all bullshit.

See if you can spot the differences in them hauling up a desk compared to when they supposedly loaded 600 pound oil drums filled with diesel fuel a few episodes back.

Alaskan bush people - Matt injures his eyeAfter the desk is loaded and the rest of the cargo is secured, the crew of the SS Grifter is almost ready to shove off. But wait! Oh-No’s… Mutt has hurt his eye. He explains to the camera how he jumped down off the boat and was attacked by his tooth necklace. Apparently the sharp end hit him in the eye and now he needs to go to the doctor. Again… How did this gang of clumsy idiots survive isolated in the bush for 30 years? Every damn episode one of them needs urgent medical attention and runs into town to see a doctor (which they don’t believe in) to get treatments (which they don’t believe in). There should be a law passed requiring the Brownclownz to wear helmets at all times.

When Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer-Schmidt needed to see a dentist, the Brownclownz had to pay with fish that supposedly took them all day to catch. Now, they must be swimming in money since they seem to run to the doctor all willy-nilly for the slightest ‘injury’.

Mutt returns looking like Captain Ron and the SS Grifter finally leaves the dock.

Alaskan Bush People - boat runs out of hydraulic fluid.But wait… What’s this? Oh-No’s, more problems for the Brownclownz and their boat. BullshitBilly discovers that just like him, the steering isn’t working. Again, we see numerous cutaway shots of various Brownclownz explaining how this could spell the end of their business and the family’s future is riding on this and blah, blah, blah.

Rest easy, friends. Turns out it just ran out of hydraulic fluid. Isn’t that something you would check before leaving the dock? I mean, c’mon, these are supposed to be expert commercial fisherman yet they somehow forget to perform the most menial tasks on a boat.

Once out to sea, SpotlessAmi steps all over their bullshit backstory (again) by saying how good it felt to be on a boat again and how they, “raised the kids on boats.” Wait a minute? Then why is Discoverup and ParkSlop telling me these were people that lived deep in the bush and were recently ‘discovered’? Which was it, guys… Were the kids raised in the bush or raised on boats? I don’t believe either one because none of them seem to be able to exhibit even the slightest competence in either living outdoors or managing to run a boat.

After wasting ions transmitting another 10 minutes of phony distress and danger with tides and currents, the SS Grifter finally arrives at it’s destination. Mutt, Bum, and Wolverine deliver the sacrificial goats to a man looking like Sideshow Bob. He tells them he’s been waiting for the goats and that they will most certainly be delicious (just kidding).

Alaskan Bush People - FakeIt seems this young family has something in common with the Brownclown Boyz (except the fact they’re not held hostage by their parents). Wolverine again slips and tells us that they were raised on boats, compared to earlier in the season and last season when they were raised in the bush. I seriously believe ParkSlop doesn’t even care anymore.

The sad thing is that if you look at the show credits on IMDb they have a ton of people working on this show. You would think with that many people they would be able to formulate and stick to a tangible back story.

Since Captain Hazelwood missed the proper timing of the tide, the Brownclownz are forced to spend the night and get an early start in the morning. Bum, Birdbrain, Mutt, and Wolverine decide to do some fishing to provide for their lazy parents that seem to contribute nothing to the family or it’s well being.

Alaskan Bush People - Bear hits fishOnce out in the open ocean, they have some good luck and ExtremeBore begins hauling in fish. Once again we’re treated to the tired old story of how ExtremeBore loves to beat the fish with his bare hands. He claims he does it to be more humane to the fish by putting them out of their misery quicker, although it seems to take Mini-Might several blows before the fish is even wobbly. I think ExtremeBore likes beating the fish with his fists because it helps him vent some anger.

So, once again, thanks to their children’s efforts, BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi will be fed with little or no effort expunged by them.

Next, they arrive at someone’s house to deliver lumber. They probably didn’t want to be on camera because we never get their name and we only really see them for about 8 seconds. So, it’s on to the next destination, Pelican Alaska. The town is so small they only have 8 kids in the school, but for some reason they need new wrestling mats.

Alaskan Bush People - Home SchooledThe whole idea of children being allowed to leave their parents’ side to attend a structured curriculum covering basic fields of study confuses Wolverine. He laments how they were all home-schooled and this new-fangled public school system confuses him. Don’t get me wrong, home-schooling is a great alternative to public education, but not when it’s done by a lazy grifter and a dead-behind-the-eyes hippy that teaches chemistry with rocks and sticks.

They deliver the mats, but wouldn’t you know it, there’s a wrench thrown in. They have to haul away the old wrestling mats from the school. For a school that only has 8 kids there’s a LOT of mats that are coming out of that gym.

Finally they arrive at the junk hoarder eclectic collector’s house to deliver the desk with a car front end. It’s pretty uneventful and contains a couple of off-the-wall locals that are very happy that their tetanus shots are up to date.

Alaskan Bush People - generatorsFinally, the Brownclownz are headed back home! No, not Hoonah, their filming home! But Oh-No’s! It looks like someone did to their camp what they’ve probably done to every place they’ve ever lived in. Everything is destroyed, including the generator for making electricity which they claim they never have. Bears have destroyed everything, meaning the Brownclownz will have to start over again… again.

If you didn’t see this ending coming from a mile away, I’ve got a bridge I’d like to sell ya. Once again, Discoverup and ParkSlop create a phony ‘tragedy’ that befalls this courageous, honest, hard-working, loving family. We’re left with a cliffhanger wondering how they will recover from this horrible event in which they lost everything (remember past tragedies where they lost everything like the house the gubmint burned down, then the house they were forced to leave because of pissed off neighbors, then the sunken boat in the harbor?). Actually, it was Discoverup that lost everything… they lease the land and paid a Ketchikan construction company to build their cabin so the Brownclownz have no worries. I’m sure BullshitBilly will slip into another one of his work-avoidance coma’s hoping gullible locals will come to their aid in this, their most vulnerable and dire of times <tear>.

Won’t you please help this poor family in need? After all, they lost everything (again) and only make about $40k an episode. How can they be expected to support themselves on that?

Please give to the ASPCA

Seriously, the link works. Please give to animals that DESERVE our help.

Well, at least in January when they’re in prison they won’t have to worry about bears or sunken boats or make-believe gubmint agencies that have nothing better to do than burn down a vagrant’s outhouse.

My personal cliffhanger is not knowing if DuhVinciNoah’s shaving kit and Mutt’s Saran Wrap survived this tragedy as well, despite having lost everything in the previous tragedies we’re supposed to believe these charlatans lived through. We’ll have to wait until next season (if there is one) to find out!

NOTE: Espisode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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2 Responses to ABP Episode Recap S02:E16 Never Give Up

  1. lakerman1 says:

    In season one, ami was asked how she and billy could engage in coitus, producing more babies after the first few were born, if they lived in a one room cabin. ami explained how she and billy would go out into the woods at night to copulate, still within earshot of the little children.
    How does one reconcile that with the story changing to raising the children on boats???

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