ABP Episode Recap S03:E02 Shots Fired

s3e2-1In the opening scene we see what happens when the BrownKlownz take the leash off ExtremeBore. He runs around the island, covering himself in his own scat, and tells us he is scouting new hunting locations. I hope he’s careful not to run into any of the other people or small towns that exist on the island!

Next, Mutt explains that SpotlessAmi is still in the hospital with a neck ‘injury’. Wait… How did she ‘injur’ herself? She doesn’t do anything. Plus, it started hurting when they were on the boat last week. Anyhoo, nothing to see here. The s3e2-2BrownKlownz get busy and build her a bed on the lower level of their ‘home’ so she won’t have to go upstairs and sleep in the
God-awful hunk of shit bed DuhVinciNoah built for them last season. Maybe there’s an Ikea in Hoonah they could just go to?

In case you missed last week’s episode, we are treated to a few minutes of footage highlighting SpotlessAmi’s ‘injury’ and how BullshitBilly took her to a doctor along with AcidRain, Birdbrain, and DuhVinciNoah. This leads up to the climactic return of Mommie Dearest to her children, who managed to get along well enough without her for more than ten minutes and also had the pleasure of not being nagged about grand-babies for a few days.

s3e2-3Did anyone else laugh at the obviously dubbed ‘crackle’ sound effects that ParkSlop threw in to try and hype just how bad her ‘injury’ was?

And another thing… Why didn’t DuhVinciNoah bring over his wheelchair to help her get to the house? Thoughtless, puffy-shirt wearing ass! He probalbly took the wheels off it so he could create his next earth-shattering invention… The Chair!

Did you know she’s only 51? She looks like she’s in her 70’s!

BullshitBilly informs the group that she’s not supposed to move, which infuriates him because he didn’t think of having that ‘injury’ first. He tells the boyz that they have to get supplied for the upcoming winter so they don’t end up having another “Winter of ’95”.s3e2-4

Apparently, in 1995 the winter was so bad that the BrownKlownz had to destroy their house to stay alive. BullshitBilly laments that, “We burned everything in that house to stay alive that year” including paneling, stairs, and furniture.

Wait a friggin’ minute here ParkSlop… I thought these people lived wild and that this ‘home’ they ‘built’ (on an chunk of land Discoverup leases for them) was their first real home? It sounds like this family of gypsy grifters has had a few different homes… The one the gubmint burned down, their motorhome, the home they got ascared away from, and now the home Discoverup built for them on the island. Now we hear there was ANOTHER home?

As a side note, when is ParkSlop going to replace their pathetic ‘fact checker’ with someone that will actually question this family’s web of lies instead of just blindly buying into whatever bullshit that comes out of their mouths?

Back to the show. ExtremeBore informs daddy that he scouted out an extreme deer hunting site. BullshitBilly tells us how dangerous it is to go hunting and he doesn’t want to send the kids into danger. The clan decides to go hunting for deer, build a root cellar, and build a smoker for the fish they caught in last week’s episode.

s3e2-5Mutt heads to the BrownKlownz version of WalMart… The Hoonah Dump. There he meets his old friend Kenny. He tells Kenny that he needs to build a root cellar and wants to find something that will act like a refrigerator underground. Grabbing one of the hundreds of refrigerator carcasses laying around apparently made too much sense. Mutt instead opts for a huge, bulky, electrical cabinet. Sure, that’ll work.

Back at the filming location home, BullshitBilly takes the rest of the BrownKlownz out for some target practice before deciding who will go on the deer hunt with ExtremeBore. They choose Birdbrain because she is the best shot, and Wolverine because he carries heavy loads without asking a lot of questions.

s3e2-6As ExtremeBore prepares for the hunt, Wolverine stops by and decides they should both lube up… Their rifles. They of course have no real firearm lubricant so they instead opt for some chicken grease. OK, um… there just happened to be a skillet of chicken frying in the house? Oh, and uh where did they get the chicken? I know they have a couple of chickens but when did they kill one to eat? I suspect out back there was a ParkSlop intern throwing out an empty package of Pilgrim’s Pride.

BullshitBilly then assigns the task of building a smokehouse to DuhVinciNoah. God help them. Hold on for this next bit… DuhVinciNoah states he has, “… an idea for a completely original smokehouse.” To him this means creating a ‘first of it’s kind’ original device that will auto-feed wood into the fire so none of the BrownKlownz have to take time out of their busy schedule to feed wood into the stove periodically throughout the day.

s3e2-7Problem is, these stoves have been around for decades. I did a Google search on the patents but for some reason I couldn’t find DuhVinciNoah’s name on ANY of them.

As work begins, Bum and DuhVinciNoah have a talk where Bum tells him that he of all people have nothing to prove… Except displaying basic competency when it comes to just about anything. But wait… Oh-No’s! Bum splashes mud on DuhVinciNoah’s white shirt! Hopefully SpotlessAmi has room for his shirts when she takes them to Hoonah for cleaning.

BullshitBilly then has a heart-to-heart with ExtremeBore telling him to be careful with his siblings out there. This is important to him because if something happens to them there will be less people to do things for him and SpotlessAmi. They come up with a communication signal to use in case of emergency. It’s a complex one-shot, three-shot combination that is sure to confuse the entire group five minutes after it’s explained to them.

Early in the morning, Bum decides he needs to throw in his 2 cents and tells ExtremeBore the same things BullshitBilly told him the night before. The group gathers while it’s still dark out. ExtremeBore, Birdbrain, and Wolverine load up and head out.

Next we see the trio running around with night-vision goggles when suddenly, Oh-No’s! There’s a bear somewhere out there. The next few minutes are spent showing how they avoid the bear. They decide to go aound the hill rather than straight up.

Cut to DuhVinciNoah wasting time and effort creating a smoke box that already exists online for about $120. The narrator tells us it’s based on an original design he had for a steam engine? WTF? Does this simpleton realize that the steam engine has been around for centuries? Why does he have an ‘original design’ and what the hell does he think anyone needs with it? Good Lord. For the hundredth time, ParkSlop, stop trying to pass this barely functioning simpleton off as a ‘genius’.

s3e2-8The narrator tells us that he is trying to build an automatic wood feeder using a pressure plate that spins a cylinder allowing wood to br dropped in periodically. Just last week this idiot invented a useless piece of headwear with multiple lenses for magnification and now he’s moved on to complex mechanics involving pressure and rotation? Did you see his clothes incinerator? C’mon!

In the next sequence, Mutt invites Hoonah-Dump Kenny over for a play-date. He shows him how bush he is by taking him inside his Firestone House. The most bush thing about the house is of course his electricity. He talks Kenny into helping with his root cellar, or as he calls it a ‘Bush Refrigerator’.

s3e2-9After the commercial, Mutt decides to abandon the electrical cabinet as a refrigerator. It takes him a while to clear and remove it, then spends time leveling the logs and and getting it ready for a roof.

In another devastating blow to bush ingenuity, DuhVinciNoah had to scrap his arson inducing auto wood feeder and instead hook up a functioning wood stove that actually produces smoke.

After the break, DuhVinciNoah explains that he collects spiders so he can build up an immunity to them. He then begins to tell a tale that made everyone laugh… Even ParkSlop (well, maybe not). He claims that if you place a microphone in front of a spider and turn it up really loud you can hear them s3e2-10communicating! Wow, hey MIT, Stanford… Did you guys see that? He cracked the code on the spider’s language! Oh, wait. Sorry I was just told that it is simply static he is hearing. Darn, there goes his next invention, spider hearing aids.

Next, ExtremeBore and the others in the hunting party discover that the deer rich land doesn’t contain many deer. ExtremeBore decides to go down and check out where all the deer went. It seems other people are hunting on the island. What? You thought they were the only inhabitants on this remote island? Think again. There are actually a couple of small towns, roads, and quite a number of other people that live on that same island. I wonder what the other inhabitants think of this bullshit?

BullshitBilly gets SpotlessAmi out of the house by telling her there are grand-babies outside. She says she just wanted to see the garden. Merry Hannukah Who Cares Jingleheimer Schmidt appears out of nowhere to help Mommie Dearest make it to the garden. Such a Hallmark moment.

Cut back to the hunting trio. ExtremeBore tells the other two what he discovered. They have a lengthy discussion about what the carcasses mean and whether or not they should just keep looking. In what must be the luckiest timing ever, their conversation is interrupted by three gunshots, the BrownKlown signal for distress. It may just be that BullshitBilly is hungry, or there may actually be an emergency back at Browntown.

s3e2-11In the preview of next week’s intelligence insulting episode, we see once again that the ParkSlop production crew has to radio in for help because one of the BrownKlownz needs medical attention… again! Yep, these people lived isolated in the bush for thirty years by golly, but somehow they now require 24/7 medical stand-by just to survive day to day.

The last shot is of Bum stating that, “… If he only has 24 hours left, we’re going to do our best to make sure he lives that the way that he wants to live.” Well, you know they’re not talking about BullshitBilly because he just plead guilty to fraud on November 19th. Hopefully it’s not Mr. Cupcake!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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3 Responses to ABP Episode Recap S03:E02 Shots Fired

  1. Melissa says:

    I really just want to tell you that your reviews of these idiots is hysterical and so on point. Couldnt wait for S2 to get back so I could start reading these again.
    The nicknames…the ridiculous nature of the whole thing and the nuances you’ve picked up on kills me.
    I still cant believe this is still on…and they show it on every channel they can ad nauseum. Honestly, I hope they keep it on for awhile because these reviews are a thing of beauty.
    Well done!

    • Alan says:

      Thank you for the kind words! I started out liking the show after the first season, but after doing some research and finding out just who these people are and how misrepresented they are on the show, I took a note from stoopidhousewives.com and realitytvscandals.com and started the recaps.

      Again, thank you. Please spread the word if you enjoyed them!

      – Alan

  2. lakerman1 says:

    I live in Pennsylvania and deer hunt on terrain much like that shown in this episode. People shoot deer, safely, and it does not end deer hunting in the area, in spite of what the lad said on the show.
    words of doom are not necessary when billy sends his adult children up the hill.

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