ABP Episode Recap S03:E07 Alarmed and Dangerous

Alaskan Bush People - Bear attacks homeIn this week’s action packed episode, DuhVinciNoah’s “invention” doesn’t work, SpotlessAmi is back playing the Grand-baby broken record, and ExtremeBore has his extreme heart extremely broken as Madeline returns to a treeless extreme Arizona.

Picking up from where last week’s episode left off, the Brownklownz return from a family fishing trip to find out that once again their camp has been ransacked by bears. I guess living wild and isolated in the bush the last thirty years has taught them nothing about bear-proofing a camp or a network supplied home. SpotlessAmi whines that the bear ate all of their sugar and flour. She is also upset because the bear left a preview of next week’s episode on the floor. I can’t imagine a pile of bear crap smelling any worse than this band of hobo’s after a ‘camping trip’.

They begin to clean up and search for those all important family heirlooms like the deer call, Mutt’s Saran Wrap, and DuhVinciNoah’s shaving kit. Mutt decides it’s time he step up and track the bear with a stick.

Alaskan Bush People - Noah wearing capeThe thought of a bear invading their home baffles this hapless group of bush experts. BullshitBilly dispenses words of wisdom and declares that Browntown needs some kind of a bear deterrent to scare them away before they get too close to the house. DuhVinciNoah is eerily hanging out in the background looking like he’s on his way to a casting call for the next WB superhero series. BirdBrain thinks that finding a bear cub and raising to be part of their family would protect them from other bears… until it got hungry and ate the Brownklownz like it was a bush Golden Corral. Instead of going with a tried and true method that could be purchased at a half dozen different stores in and around Hoonah for under a hundred bucks, he decides to let DuhVinciNoah fail at building another invention.

Thanks to gitemstevedave on the IMDB Alaskan Bush People message boards for providing some inexpensive and readily available information regarding problem bears:

Here you go, a link directly from the state of alaska explaining how a simple hotline can deter bears, who will kill chickens, even in a coop:

http://www.adfg.alaska.gov/index.cfm?adfg=livingwithbears.bearfences

And a link to a sub $100 device that can be ordered to Alaska:

http://www.harborfreight.com/solar-fencer-47454.html

That night, Mutt and Bum decide to pull watch outside, tending to a fire that will scare off the bear in case it comes back. Mutt instructs Bum on how to properly build a fire. They should have asked ExtremeBore.

DuhVinciNoah decides to go to the bush K-Mart (the dump) and look for items that ParkSlop already laid out for him to conveniently ‘find’ and use in his next failed attempt to build anything that remotely works or serves a purpose. Thanks to his dump love-interest, he finds a police siren and the switch box that controls it.

Alaskan Bush People - Noah's bear alarm sirenWhile in town with DuhVinciNoah, Mutt runs into Paul, their contact for hauling jobs. He tells Mutt he has to leave but there are a few paltry scraps that need to be delivered a few miles down the shore of the island in his absense. Is anyone buying this whole ‘hauling business’ story line? They seem to haul very small items, and very few them at that. How in the world is it cost efficient for them to use a large gas-guzzling WWII era boat to haul a few scraps upstream? Oh right, it’s all bullshit. I keep forgetting.

DuhVinciNoah brings the items from the dump back to Browntown and into his Tent of Horrors so he can begin building something they could have otherwise bought in a store and used right away that actually works. But that wouldn’t advanced the rice-paper thin plot point. BullshitBilly hears police sirens and gets nervous, thinking the law is once again after them. He walks into DuhVinciNoah’s Tent of Horrors and gets a demonstration of his hapless son’s invention. BullshitBilly can’t help himself and begins klowning around with the equipment.

Alaskan Bush People - Ami wants grandbabiesExtremeBore and SpotlessAmi sit near the fire to have a mother-son talk. He tells her about Madeline and that he invited her out to see their filming location. She immediately begins hammering him about grand-babies. She’s able to figure out that if each of her five slurred-speech chuds had 4 kids, she would have twenty grand-babies! She calculated that without using rocks and sticks! Funny how she can compute that but she can’t seem to compute how many months out of the year she did / didn’t live in Alaska when filling out her PFD forms? SpotlessAmi is now officially nuttier than squirrel turds.

ExtremeBore decides he better fix up his treehouse because he’s 28 years old and thinks any woman would look down on him if he DIDN’T have his own treehouse completed by that age. Bum and BullshitBilly lend what little help they can. Soon even Wolverine jumps in to help because he likes to lift things without asking questions.

That night… Oh-No’s! The bear is back. The Brownklown boyz head out with their gun. After some unsuccessful hootin’ and hollerin’, they scare it away using a single shot.

Madeline arrives on the island and is immediately introduced to the Brownklownz. Meeting the Manson family would be less awkward than this initial introduction as she is immediately surrounded by several Brownklownz all staring at her as if she were tonight’s main course. SpotlessAmi somehow remains silent on the grand-babies subject and soon ExtremeBore takes Madeline off to see his treehouse. Wow, I’m sure she was so impressed… A man in his late twenties that wants to live in a treehouse next door to his overbearing parents and the rest of his dull-witted siblings. She’s probably in awe of the tree itself because she comes from Arizona which she claims has no trees.

As they look out over the treehouse view, SpotlessAmi and BullshitBilly stare at them uncomfortably from the filming location porch and start making plans for their wedding.

Alaskan Bush People - Noah builds a bear alarmThis next segment is embarrassing to watch. DuhVinciNoah describes the complex electronics that he is going to ‘invent’ to turn the sirens on when a motion sensor is tripped. His dilemma is that he has one device (the motion sensor) that when tripped sends out a 1.5-volt signal, but the police lights and siren require 12-volts. Hmmmm, if only there was something that could act as a switch that could be triggered with 1.5-volts and turn something on that required 12-volts.

Fear not, DuhVinciNoah has the answer. He explains how he built a switch out of plastic bottles and a butter knife that will turn on the police lights with 12-volts using the paltry 1.5-volts that the motion sensor sends out. What a landmark invention! Oh wait… Too bad it’s been around since just about the dawn of electricity.

You can get them at any electronics store for under $5. Instead of wasting precious family resources like plastic bottles and butter knives, why not just hop over to the Hoonah Radio Shack (or order online) on one of the many occasions in which you are in town. Or pick one up Seattle while you and your band of inbreeds are wintering there.

Alaskan Bush People - Noah is Einstein and Tesla

“Me… I’m Noah Brown. And everyone will know my name.” Yes they will, Noah. Yes they will 🙂

DuhVinciNoah tells us that he’s no Einstein or Tesla because unlike him, those people are dead. Seriously… This deluded half-wit believes that the only difference between himself and people like Tesla and Einstein are that they’re dead and he’s not. JesusHChristOnTheCross. It’s sad to see how ParkSlop has allowed this defective, self-absorbed simpleton to become so arrogant and smarmy when in the real world he barely functions at a third grade level! He actually believes his own bullshit and now thinks he is without a doubt one of the great minds of our time. I’ll bet Steven Hawkman would have something to say about that!

Supporters of these damaged grifters will say things like, “He’s great because he’s able to build something out of used material and re-purpose it.” Really? How is a non-functioning device (you’ll find out later) that is barely held together and will end up in the trash anyway while further inflating the already bloated ego of a delusional douchebag make him ‘great’? Well, they don’t believe in using big-city bought items so they build it themselves! Seriously? Then why do they use store bought food, electricity, power tools, modern medicine, and the dozens of other modern conveniences these ‘remote bush people’ have? Would a $100 bear deterrent really take them astray from their ‘bush’ lifestyle. Puh-LEEZ! The Kardashians are one flannel shirt away from being more ‘bush’ than these phonies.

Next we see the skiff being repaired with left over roof tin. Keep an eye on this repair because later on when the Brownklown boyz leave for their all important hauling job, the repair job is not there.

Alaskan Bush People - Bear and MadelineSadly, ExtremeBore’s love interest didn’t last long. I guess ParkSlop only hired Madeline for two episodes since she tells him she is going back to school in Arizona… Which has no trees. This confuses ExtremeBore because he and DuhVinciNoah can’t figure out why these women would rather go to college and live rich, fulfilled lives rather than marry into a vagabond pack of penniless grifting morons. Women… Am I right?

Back to DuhVinciNoah’s bear alarm system. It seems that once again a bear is sneaking into the Brownklownz filming location. The bear trips the alarm and the police sirens begin to wail. At first this confuses the Brownklownz as they think it’s another visit by police in response to their numerous offenses. Turns out the sirens work and the bear scurries away.

Alaskan Bush People - Noah the inventorDuhVinciNoah provides narration into the sequence of events. He states that his invention ‘worked’ because the alarm went off. But… The only reason it went off is because his half-assed bush motion-sensor relay failed to trigger the device so it had to be triggered by the bear hitting the tripwire. He calls it a complete success, despite the fact his primary triggering mechanism failed miserably and the bear was nice enough to hit his backup trigger, a trip wire. Did you know he invented that, too?

Anyhoo, BullshitBilly tells them he is worried about Bum skippering the boat because as he claims, “I am a good skipper.” Really? Well, if sinking boats is the criteria used to determine the quality of a skipper then BullshitBilly is the clear winner, even beating out Captain Hazelwood and Captain Edward Smith (look it up).

The boyz arrive in Hoonah and locate a few strips of wood and a window that is to be delivered down-shore. They are also waiting on the last item, a refrigerated display for a bakery. When they find the delivery guy’s boat, Wait… Why didn’t this guy just go a few more miles down the shore and deliver it himself? Oh yeah, paper-thin plot and shoddy writing. Also note that the aforementioned bush repair job to the skiff is no longer there.

Alaskan Bush People - Rain talks to catsThey need him to pull his boat beside the SS Grifter so they can use the crane to lift it. Once again you imagine Benny Hill Yakety Sax music playing as they try and use ropes and pulley’s to get the large cabinet onto the roof of their ship.

In the short segment, BirdBrain takes a cue from DuhVinciNoah and tries to convince us she can speak to cats. Maybe DuhVinciNoah can invent a See-N-Say for the bush complete with BirdBrain’s cats, DuhVinciNoah’s spiders, and Kristy’s head in a jar.

The final segment is wasted showing the Brownklown boyz on the SS Grifter. After securing their load, they head out to sea. ONCE AGAIN we’re led into the overdone, turgid, and boring plot point of ‘rough seas ahead’! Thankfully, the rough seas only show signs of dangerous 1-foot tall waves. The narrator does his best to convince us they may be in trouble (again), boat might not make it (again), blah blah blah.

In the preview for the season finale (and hopefully SERIES finale) of this bullshit show, the family arrives from yet another trip and see their home has been Brown’d (ruined)! Didn’t DuhVinciNoah’s bear alarm system work? I find it hard to believe one of his rock-solid inventions failed to protect the filming location! Oh-No’s! Did Discoverup lose the lease on the land where they film this phony show?

Alaskan Bush People - Cast membersIt seems like ParkSlop has zero original ideas, credibility, or professionalism as they slide back into the comfort of the worn out ‘family lost everything’, ‘must start over’, ‘future at stake’ phony baloney plastic banana good-time rock and roll bullshit they’ve been force-feeding us since the show began.

Stay tuned next week for another (and hopefully final) episode recap of Alaskan Bush people!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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5 Responses to ABP Episode Recap S03:E07 Alarmed and Dangerous

  1. Parah Salin says:

    I went back and read every recap… Just Awesome! I’ve been getting strange looks because I’ve been laughing out loud here at work.

  2. lakerman1 says:

    I watched that summary show last night, and have to conclude that the film crew members are with their own kind, when they film the brownclowns.
    The dark haired camera woman said she wants to love her family the way the browns do must want to create perpetually dependent children, like the browns did.
    but birdie did name the shovel lollypop a pop.

  3. Kim yurjevich says:

    Noah invents things that have been around forever. So instead of a genius (his words) isn’t that an idiot?

  4. lildude says:

    Pretty funny that the writer says these broke ass people, The Browns are laughing and taking it all to the bank, Google how much they get paid and y’all will be more bent with hatred and jealousy, It’s just a TV show das’s’..

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