Alternate Universe Books
Harry Party And The Stoned Sorcerer
Rush week has always been a strenuous time for the faculty at Hogwoods. This year, however, Dean Bumblebore has made it his personal mission to keep a close eye on the most raucous fraternity on campus, Slipperin House. The effort to disband them was not only predicated on their felonious actions in the past, it was exacerbated by the new head of the frat house, Druggo Manboy.
“Have you cast the spell to alert us if Slipperin House gets out of line?” Bumblebore asked.
“You mean Party-um Alertus?” his assistant, Severe Snoop, asked. “Yes, I’ve already cast it upon the house and it’s members. Most notably, Druggo.”
“Party-um Alertus? Jesus Christ we really need to get more inventive with our spell names. I mean, we charge a shitload of money to unsuspecting elites so they can send their brats here thinking they’re ‘special’, and all we do is teach them a bunch of crap they can make up on their own!”
“To your point,” Snoop interjected, “I saw that the University of The Order Of The Phoenix has online courses for Wizardry!”
“I know, right? All we do is slap a Latin sounding suffix at the end of the action verbs that dictate the desired outcome. I mean, c’mon… Ascendio to make something rise? Christ it’s like we’re not even trying anymore.”
Snoop simply shrugged in response, in a sense agreeing due to not having a counter argument or additional commentary.
Bumblebore continued, “Let’s meet here in my office Saturday night and wait for the spell to signal. Slipperin House will finally lose their charter and I’ll be rid of that smarmy little shit once and for all!”
Harry Party and Herhiney Grabber were in Exodus Hall, briskly walking to their next class. Ron Weasel ran up behind and threw his arms over their shoulders.
“‘Sup yo? Man, we GOTTA go to Slipperin’s pledge party Saturday. It’s going to be epic!”
“Sorry, Ron,” Harry replied. “Herhiney and I have study group, don’t we?”
Herhiney paused while looking at Harry, then Ron. “Well…” she hesitated, “You DO need to get into a fraternity, Harry. You and Ron can’t live in the freshman dorms as sophomores much longer.”
“C’mon, Harry,” Ron encouraged, “Don’t be a pussy. Slipperin is the coolest fuckin’ house on campus, and if we get in we’ll get more ass than a toilet seat!”
“Ah-hem…” Herhiney coughed.
“Sorry,” Ron continued. “I mean we’d finally get girlfriends!”
“Well,” Harry thought out loud, “I’d love to get out of the dorm. I could use a little more privacy than sharing a room with three other people. That Goddamn Tom Diddle masturbates constantly and Neville Pumpbottom keeps staring at me when I return from the shower.”
“That’s the spirit,” Ron chuckled.
“Besides,” Herhiney offered, “I’d rather spend the time working on a spell to get rid of these cramps.”
“Menstruate-um Interruptus,” all three said in unison, then shared a laugh as they disbanded and headed to their respective classrooms.
“MAH-BOY,” yelled Giggety Boyle, Druggo’s longtime friend. “Ged tha fak ofer here. Bezz party effer!”
Druggo walked over sporting a look of disgust. “Jesus Christ, Boyle, it’s only 8 o’clock and you’re already shitfaced. You’re the fucking Rush Chair, you idiot!”
“Hey, buddy… I hear-ed thad Bumblebore put a spell to alerd him iv shit gess too real!”
“Don’t worry. It’s taken care of.”
“I figgered,” Boyle slurred. “Ahm gonna go tok with sum ple-jis.”
“You do that.”
Druggo scanned the room in order to assess this year’s potential candidates. He started to smile when he saw some students he knew came from good stock. Their parent’s money would keep Slipperin House knee deep in alcohol and contraband for the duration of his attendance.
Druggo’s smile turned to a disgusted frown as he saw his nemesis, Harry Party, and his dull-witted friend Weasel enter the house amidst a loud and frenzied crowd. He then turned to scan the room looking for his enforcer, Crabby. When he saw him, he extended his arm to wave him over.
“Wass up?” an obviously drunk Crabby asked.
“What are Harry and Weasel doing here?”
“I unno,” Crabby slurred.
“Goddammit! Is there anyone in this fucking frat that isn’t completely shitfaced? Just go!” Druggo ordered. He then paused for a moment, staring at the floor. “Y’know what?” He asked himself, “Screw it. I’m not going to let anyone ruin this party. I’m just going to stay clear of Harry until he realizes he doesn’t belong and leaves. Now… where’s the drunk women?”
Ron and Harry stood just inside the front door, scanning the crowd. “I don’t know about this, Ron,” Harry said.
“What are you nuts? There’s a dude doing bong hits out of the Sorting Cap! This place is fuckin’ great!”
“Sorting Cap? Does Slipperin have no shame?” Harry shook his head in disgust and wore a look of disappointment. He scanned the crowd briefly as Ron watched his expression, hoping it would morph into something pleasant.
“I’m just going to mingle,” Harry finally conceded.
“That’s the spirit!” Ron cheered as he slapped Harry on the back. “Smell ya later!” Ron yelled as he trounced off toward the action.
Harry proceeded toward the large living room area where a number of people were gathered. He thought it would be a good place to start. He noticed a group of three pledges who, while conversing amongst themselves, looked about as uncomfortable as he did. He walked over to attempt an introduction.
“Hey guys. I’m Harry,” he offered. The small group gave him a look as if he’d just farted in their collective diving helmet. No one responded, they simply continued looking at him and taking sips of their drink periodically. The level of awkwardness grew to uncomfortable levels.
Distraught, Harry turned and walked towards the kitchen. It took a couple of minutes to make the journey, despite it only being about forty feet away. The crowd was not only increasing in size, but also in volume. When he finally arrived at the kitchen, Harry waited to get a drink of whatever was available at this point.
As he drank, he scanned the room, slowly coming to the realization that he was way out of his league. He decided he would hit up one of the other houses like Flufferpuff or Gristlebore… Or the Jewish house. But first, he wanted to hit the lavatory to drain the slitherin. He scanned above the heads of the crowd in search of the bathroom and noticed a small closed door near the staircase at the opposite end of the room.
Again it took a couple of minutes to reach his destination, the timing of which worked out well since his bladder was reaching critical mass. As he approached the door he gave a light knock. Hearing no response he opened the door, expecting to see a toilet and basin. As the door slowly opened, the light began to penetrate and increasingly illuminate the interior. To his horror, he was greeted by a smiling Druggo, standing with his pants around his ankles, and balls deep into a bent over female partier holding on to the wash basin.
“Piss off, Harry!” Druggo yelled mid stroke, pausing briefly but then continuing his efforts.
“Harry?” a female voice asked. As her head turned into the light, Harry recognized Herhiney.
“Wait… You know him?” Druggo asked. The brief silence confirmed his question.
Harry slammed the door shut and walked away briskly, looking for any escape. Druggo continued his efforts in the dark with renewed vigor, sporting a huge grin knowing he had emotionally bested his nemesis by violating his only female friend.
Harry found a spot at the end of a couch in the corner of the house’s main room. He sat and stared blankly into the distance, searching for any explanation as to Herhiney’s attraction to a Neanderthal like Druggo Manboy. As he stared ahead he noticed something whisk by his head and land on the couch. He looked to see what was thrown and saw the Sorting Cap laying next to him. ‘Awwwww shit,” the Sorting Cap laughed, “What a fuckin’ party, eh kid?”
Harry looked at the Sorting Cap as it sat there smoldering, wreaking of bong resin and alcohol. “This house is shit,” Harry said. “And what are you doing here? You’re the friggin’ Sorting Cap, enchanted with a magical aura that helps the school determine which students belong in which fraternity. When McBangable placed you on my head you started ranting about Pop-Tarts and went into a coughing fit. She told me that meant I wasn’t ready, which is why I’ve been stuck in the Freshman dorms!”
“Magical Aura?” the Sorting Cap laughed. “All I’m filled with is bulllshit. Most of the time I just make up whatever pops in my head… Or whichever frat slips me a little something to get certain kids into their house. I was probably half lit when you and I met. Sorry ’bout that.”
“Wow, what a day! I find out the Sorting Cap is an addict and that the most popular house at this school is populated with drunkards, drug users, and sodomites! Even Herhiney falls victim to their treachery. I gotta tell you, I’m really confused right now.”
“Don’t let it get you down, kid. It’s college! Who gives a shit what’s real or not. You’ll learn this magic bullshit as you go along in life. This school is just here to separate parents from their money. If I were you kid I’d make the most of your short time here.”
“Is that the magic talking or the Maui-Wowie?”
The Sorting Cap thought for a second then replied, “Uh, yeah, that’s the magical aura part talking. Why don’t you let me get a full reading this time. No bullshit. Put me on your head.”
Harry happily put the Sorting Cap on his head, thinking he would finally receive some sage advice. The Sorting Cap grimaced and grunted as if having a large bowel movement, like that from a Chipotle burrito. Harry’s acceptance grew with each grunt, thinking the Sorting Cap was actually performing as advertised. After putting on the show for quite a few seconds, he finally revealed what would be the best choice for Harry, “Gristlebore!”
Harry removed the Sorting Cap and placed it back on the couch. “Gristlebore… Of course! I always knew that was the house for me. I’m going to head over there now and take my place where I was meant to be. Thank you Sorting Cap. And you can bet once I’m in there I’m finally going to live up to my name, Harry PARTY, and make Gristlebore the party-est damn house at Hogwoods! Druggo and Slipperin will no longer be the most popular house on campus!”
Harry shot out the door with renewed excitement and a smile a mile wide. The Sorting Cap watched as he left. “What an asshole,” he thought. “HEY! Someone get over and load me up again!”
As the Sunday morning sun crept over the horizon, the light shone directly into Bumblebore’s office. As it reached his eyes, he started to wake. He found himself on the floor and rolled himself on his side. Through the haze he was able to make out two other figures laying on the floor, as well as a bulbous mass lying naked in the corner. As his focus improved, he was able to make out the figure in the corner as Hat-Trick, who let out a loud, flatulent burst in his direction.
The other two, Snoop and McBangable, were bound and gagged, tied back-to-back and left passed out on the floor. It took Bumblebore a moment get his bearings and be able to lift himself to a standing position. Once up, he looked inside his bird cage and saw Fuks, his magical Phoenix, cleanly shaved of feathers and lying motionless on the bottom. Upon closer inspection he was able to make out his Elder Wand shoved firmly up the bird’s balloon knot. Filling with disgust and anger, he made his way to the window overlooking the campus and threw the curtains back.
“Curse you, Slipperin House!” he yelled, waving his fist in their general direction.