Another great title that doesn’t live up to it’s name. They are on the sea, but they only talk about the threat of a storm. Sorry for the spoiler, but in this case, with this show, with this family of loons, does it really even matter anymore ? So get out the cheap bottle of hooch, grab a thin blanket and settle back for a monumentally wasted hour of tales from the Brown cult and their enablers, the Discovery Channel™, and its CEO, David Zaslav.
Asa gets us in the mood with his stimulating introduction to tonight’s episode, laying out the process that leads us to the dangers and peril that goes into being a Brown family member. Last weeks show involved the road getting fixed in Washington by Bam, Gabe and Noah, while in faraway Alaska, Bird was trying to find her roots with Rain and Bear. While at Browntown in Alaska, a hunt that went south because of nonexistent wild bears, led to a night of indescribable horrors because of a deadly winter storm system that came barreling through. I am sure that the viewers, like me, were on pins and needles all week, barely able to function, as we wondered what was going to become of the poor children trapped inside that cabin. Well, the week finally passed and we get to find out that Bird, Rain and Bear are doing just fine. The menacing storm that Asa told about was nothing more than an evening of snowfall, about 3 inches, and that was it. We did get to see the kids huddled inside the cabin with night vision special effects looking skyward at the ceiling and roof like it was going to cave in or blow away. So another situation blown way out of proportion by the writers and staff at Discovery™, to once again prove how far they will go to get us to watch this silly program and sell their mundane advertising.
Bear runs around outside in the newfallen snow to access the damage, which there was none, climbs a tree to look at other trees, and then burst into a sprint to get back to report to the girls the news of snow on the ground and branches. All you really needed to do was look out the window while you drank some coffee and scanned your iPhone on Instagram for any news about your son and ex. There is some talk about maybe getting trapped in another humongous storm that is headed towards Browntown and the stay there may turn out longer than expected. Uh-huh, fool me once…
In Washington, at the North Star Ranch, all work on the road, the house, the rebuilding, has stopped cold in its tracks as there is also a slight dusting of snow around the area. Bam, who makes his only contractual appearance in tonight’s show, drives around a couple minutes in a stolen snow plow/grader and then leaves for his scheduled presence to cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the new Piggly Wiggly store in Wagener, South Carolina. After signing a few autographs for the loyal cat lady fans, he then moves on to Myrtle Beach for a much needed vacation.
Then we move on to the segment that is featured in the episode, Noah and his new invention, a full size working horse. He tells us the horse’s name is ‘Prometheus’. Noah rambles on how he will become a knight in shining armour, riding the poor nag around the ranch, while protecting against known and unknown enemies. What a complete doofus. He points out a 3 foot by 3 foot tarp covered area in the corner of the filthy corral, and proudly exclaims that it is his new living quarters while he trains the horse to obey his every command. He begins the training by telling us the old plug must get used to him brandishing a sword, and a bow and arrow, for no good reason. So he gets out some rusty sword that obviously didn’t get destroyed by the fire, and waves it around while the ‘glue factory reject’ munches on some hay and watches with sleepy eyes. Then an exhibit of bow and arrow work to a target about 10 feet away. You can just tell that ‘Old Paint’ couldn’t care less. Noah stops for a bit to catch his bloated breath, while filling us in on the many finer points of horse training, equine behavior, bronco busting and steed overhauling. Which I’m 99.9% sure is just made up bullshit on his part, since we have never ever seen him near a horse, or horse manure for that matter. This is a prime example of a pretentious, sanctimonious fool who is comletely full of himself. Thank God that segment ends, and we get to go back to the imminent dangers that are in Alaska.
Back up north we get to hear a fake radio broadcast of storm warnings headed towards Browntown, and to take all precautionary steps to stay alive when it hits. Bird, Rain and Bear are sitting around a warm fire outside, preparing for nothing of course, but lamenting that they may not be able to return to Washington as planned. They are eating some food they cooked on the end of a stick, discussing the possibility of either weathering out the storm, or leaving before it hits in full force (by full force I mean about 2 inches of snow and 20 MPH winds for about 40 minutes). Rather than come to a well thought out plan, Bird tells of the primal need to fulfill her bloodlust and blow a deer’s brains out in a staged hunt. Her eyes glass over, and her jaw gets jacked, as she imagines the blood flowing in the snow, as the poor creature twitches in it’s last final moments of life on earth. You now know that it is going to happen, it has now become the singular plot line of tonight’s episode. Get ready for the hunt. The excitement and tension builds.
The group in Alaska are now sitting in dead calm water on Kenny’s little stolen skiff, in the middle of a lake, in the middle of nowhere, when a call comes over their iPhone. What great cell service in Alaska ! It’s good old Billy with some terrific news to pass on. It’s seems ‘someone’ has notified Billy that the rust bucket tub they once owned, the ‘Integrity’, is abandoned and sitting in a nearby harbor dock just waiting for the girls and Bear to retrieve. Billy is clearly enthralled by the notion of having that piece of driftwood back in his name. I can’t think of one good reason why, other than to thicken up the lame storyline some more. Billy tells the group over the phone that Ami is thrilled to hear about the boat and grabbing ownership again. By the way, this is basically Billy’s only appearance on the show tonight, a short phone call. So now it has come to this, Billy is just phoning it in. Bird tells the others that her ‘mind is blown’ at the prospect of getting back aboard the Integrity. I think we could have all told her that her mind was blown a lot sooner than tonight. Anyway, Billy wants the Alaskan crew to hurry over to the scow to negotiate a deal with the owner, who more than probably called Billy knowing he could unload this junk heap on him. The group is next seen on an empty dock looking for the Integrity, while Asa drones on about dangerous weather that is almost on top of them now, really, it is almost there, he’s not kidding, take him seriously ! Bear is the first to spot the boat, it is now painted a faded red and looks worse for wear. They climb aboard as we are treated to numerous flashbacks of the good times on the constantly failing boat and it’s adventures. Bear goes down to the engine room, strips off his jacket, and in his leather trousers checks out a diesel engine system he clearly knows little about. After the paid mechanics in the Discovery™ production team give it a 14 hour systems check, is Bear allowed to call Billy and say it is maybe, possibly, 50-50 seaworthy.
At the Ranch in Washinton, comes the most disgusting and vile segment so far tonight. Gabe has been instructed by Bird to take care of her feral cats while she is in Alaska. He goes to her trailer sitting by the side of some White Nationalist training camp and opens the door to unbelievable sights and smells. There are at least 50 cats inside, and they must be fed and the litter tray cleaned. So Gabe gets to work, with a smile on his face, all the while wondering and asking anyone who will listen if Bird is insane. Of course, we are given a front row seat as Gabe gingerly rakes cat turds from the makeshift litter tray, which is a shower stall. I almost gagged, okay, I did gag… Why Discovery™, in all it’s glory, decided that the audience would want to know about this, or see this is, is truly beyond me. It is nothing but short of disgusting, and shows what level of incompetence this family has stooped to. Gabe gets the mess cleaned up, and leaves the trailer to probably take care of Billy’s incontinence problems.
Back on the dock in Alaska, Bear runs into an ‘old friend’ who we have never met, or heard of, to take care of the Integrity till they can return in a few years to sail it to the bottom of the nearest bay. ‘Addy’, a paid extra actor with few lines, volunteers for the job to keep the massive tub afloat till their return. Bear mansplains to us for the millionth time the the common use of bartering in Alaska commerce, or paying for something with worthless junk found in a ditch. He tells ‘Addy’ of a stash of red cedar planks they have hidden away that is his if he can watch the boat for the next few years. Addy eagerly agrees and the deal is done. Bear is happy and Addy heads for the nearest saloon to feed his alcoholism. Which brings to mind, why didn’t they ask their good buddy Trapper the Wino, or Kenny the Tweaker to watch over things till they returned ?
The ‘Sir Noah and farm horse show’ continues as Noah tries to get a stolen saddle on the back of the horse. The rented horse doesn’t go along, so Noah pretends to act like he knows what he is doing and walks the horse in circles for awhile. It is becoming clear the horse is training Noah and not the other way around. And while all this is going on, while he trains the horse and lives in the crate in the corral, where is Rhain w/h and Eli ? Since the FEMA tent went up in the fire and they were left basically homeless, where are they ? I assume that once Rhain w/h found herself in better surroundings, abode wise ( I mean, anything would be better), she has now decided to stay where she is and avoid the Ranch and the Brown family as much as possible. Trips to the hairdressers, workouts at the gym, shopping at the mall must seem infinitely better than listening to an arrogant blowhard 24/7. Anyway , the horse and Noah go around and around in circles accomplishing absolutely nothing.
The three salty sailors now set sail to Browntown on the Integrity to retrieve the red cedar that has been rotting on the forest floor ever since they left it there forgotten so many years ago. What could possibly go wrong ? Bear maintains that a constant vigil must be kept as they go through the boat graveyard of sorts in one section of the journey. Keep your eyes peeled for whatever. The only thing Bird sees are sea lions, and she watches them play instead of looking for the dangers that lurk under the water and in the sky and over there in the forest and in Bear’s tiny brain. Bear gets a bit irritated at his sister and lets her know. Rain is at the helm trying to figure out how to read a compass and work a GPS system. Bear is still barking out orders like he is the skipper and no one is listening anyways. Can’t let dear old dad down, must make it to Browntown to get the crappy lumber for Addy.
In Washington, His Royal Douchebag, Noah, finally sees the writing on the wall and realizes you cannot train a horse in 45 minutes to do whatever you want him to do. The plow horse puts on the feedbag and just laughs while Noah retreats to his little hovel crate to fix a quick snack of some putrid canned meat and rotten tomatoes. He now ruminates on the reality that if he treated humans the same way he treats the horse, with patience and compassion, he might actually have some friends and people would like him, instead of running away as soon as he presents himself in their presence in his ridiculous outfits and personalities. He makes some comments about being a human and while the cameraman and sound technician chuckle that nonsence off, we head back to the churls in Alaska.
The three stooges of Browntown try to wrap a piece of tangled rope around some of the worm eaten planks of red cedar, and then drag them down to the shoreline, through the mud and gunk that is Browntown. Along the way they lose half the load, and eventually Bird suggests using the new tarp she heisted while they were in town earlier. They then wrap the boards in the tarp and really don’t have that much success. From looking at what they are hauling to the edge of the bay, it seems to be about 10 or 12 ten foot long planks. Wow, what a find. And they all look in pretty bad shape. Addy will be so happy… While the struggle to get the cedar is under way, Bird takes the time to satisfy her craving for hunting and killing innocent wildlife for the camera crew. She leaves the cabin with her face in camo, and her pink rifle, and treads through the brush and snow to find the deer the production crew hit with their truck earlier in the week.
They have set the deer up to look like it is alive with sticks and posts, and all it takes is for Bird to pretend to shoot it. Before I continue on the hunt details, wasn’t it just the day before that Bird and Bear went out hunting deer and then gave up because the bear population seemed so enraged that they were out in the woods ? And didn’t Bear make the comment that it was unsafe because they only had deer rifles and not their bear rifles ? So what is the difference now ? Bird has the same rifle as the day before, she is now alone (except for the 10 man production crew following along with cameras, sound equipment, drinks, snacks, folding chairs for when it’s time to take a union break, and enough gear to frighten any wildlife for 1000 yards), and in the same location. We now see some stock footage of a deer munching on a leave in a forest probably in California, Bird turns around and reads the cue card that says “Stay low !”, and heads over to a clearing to aim at nothing since in reality there is nothing there. Okay, if you are going to film a hunting scene in as much reality as the way it happens, you show the hunter and the hunted in the same frame. You have the hunter pull the trigger and you see the hunted drop, or most likely, get wounded and then run away for a couple miles while you chase it down. Well, of course, none of that happens here. Bird pops off a round that no one really hears, the scene when she shoots is from a drone over a shoreline 500 feet in the air, and then back to Bird racing upon the poor deer who got hit by a truck a few days ago, and placed here to look like she shot it and it just fell down in place. Time to dress the deer, well, again, not so fast, rather than field dress the deer, take it back to the cabin where every hungry bear for 20 miles will soon be attracted to the smell of a fresh kill. And with that, we never see the deer again, although Bird did say she was taking it back to feed the starving family at North Star Ranch. And just wondering here, did she have a licence to hunt and shoot deer, a deer tag, a permit ? Probably not, so that is why it must all be faked and presented with such overwhelming laughable drama…
Gabe meanders over to watch the nimrod and his horse trying to outsmart one another. I think the horse has the upper leg. Gabe starts to mumble on about his time trying to ride a horse and for once we get to see something that we want to see. Gabe in flashbacks getting on a horse and falling on his ass. I rewound that several times and watched it for good old times. Noah starts in on the issue of trust and how trust is the key to a successful relationship between horse and man, and even man and man, and I guess man and woman, man and dog, man and wombats… Yeah, trust… Noah then grabs a sugarcube doused in lysergic acid diethylamide and feeds it to Gabe, who a half hour later thinks he is Sean Connery and he is in a new James Bond movie, ‘Looking For My Wife’.
In Alaska, the clueless team are ready to depart Browntown and first must reminisce on the great life to be had among the Alaskan forest and vistas. So after only three days (that is what I counted) they are ready to go. Why did they even bother to go there in the first place, what a waste of time. They are all packed up with what seems like just a small backpack. Where is the deer meat for the folks back home, the rifles ? On Kenny’s borrowed skiff, they stop in the bay to poach some crab in illegal crab traps which they haven’t got a licence to trap or a permit to catch. They manage to get a couple and then slip by the Fish and Game Law Boys to get back to the Integrity. At the empty dock, which has either been cleared for filming, or the locals have been in hiding ever since the scammers showed up, they present their meager boards of red cedar crap to Addy. He loads it up and sells it in town for a few bottles of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill and forgets all about the Integrity.
Noah decides to record himself on the horse with his iPhone because the camera crew got tired of his BS. He mentions this is his last chance to get to ride the nag. Why would it be his last chance ? Is the rental horse due back at the owners for trail rides ? Is Noah on a tight schedule building a flying boat ? What could be a reason for such a swift end to this little crisis of riding a horse. Even Noah looks embarressed as he gets in the saddle, and then just as quick, hops off claiming success. That’s it ? A two second stint of the fat ass jerk sitting on his new stallion that will lead him into battle ? What a joke… Anyway he howls a bit and declares the wore out pony a war horse.
Back in Alaska the girls and Bear cook up the crab and deer they have in a filthy pot on a filthy stove and then climb atop the filthy boat to eat with their filthy hands. The talk turns to whether or not to ever come back or just forget Alaska for the time being. The subject is bantered about a bit and no firm decision is made. All rather confusing really, they seem all excited to be there, on the boat to sail the high seas to adventures here and beyond.
Back at the Ranch, Rhain w/h shows up for her paycheck and to give the dickhead the obligatory peck on the cheek before she skedaddles to her afternoon yoga class and tea with the ladies in town as far away from North Star as possible. Even Eli looks anxious to get on to his playdate with normal people, and the toddlers he hangs out with have more brains and personality than his dad.
Bit of Billy Gospel voiceover and the end is finally in sight…
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