Alaskan Bush People episode recap S13 E3 ‘Little River and the Big Sea’

 



The title on this one is a bit confusing, ‘Little River’ refers to Bear’s son, but I’m not sure what ‘Big Sea’ is meaning. Anyway, we are still stuck with the 2020 episode rollouts pertaining to the big fire, and Billy is still alive and stumbling around. Bear, Rain, Bird, Gabe and Bam start out the program sitting on a blanket trespassing on someone’s private property, reminiscing about the great fire and the great luck they had in escaping from it without any harm. Makes sense, being as they were safely tucked away in their private residences and far from any danger. They complain a bit about the fact that they cannot stay on the mountain, that they must stay in their rented chateaus and condos in town because of the residual smoke still lingering on the North Star Ranch and surrounding area.

And then, of course, Asa tells us that the cultists are all hard at work on the mountain cleaning up the mess from the fire, and must do so because it will snow soon. Why ? They can clean up in spring just as easy. We will stick with the convoluted narrative and watch as they pull junk from the ashes and cry fake tears about everything they lost. There are underground fires that are everywhere and no work on the house can continue until the fires are all out. That house is  never going to get finished, next reason for stopping construction will be some lame excuse like aliens attacking or broken fingernails. So we move on from the house and get on to other things that need attention.

Massive clean up under way as Bird and Gabe inspect what is left of the ‘Birdhouse’, Bird’s little house in the tree. It actually looks better laying on the ground smoldering and in disarray. Gabe finds her burnt ‘Boom Stick’, otherwise known as a firearm, and Bird gingerly handles it with a sentimental look in her eye until the cameras turn off, and then tosses it into the forest, forever forgotten. They spend a few minutes shoveling ash around the site for no good reason, and then topple a burnt tree by leaning on it. Once that is done, it is presumably called ‘cleaned up’ since we never see her ghetto again. Thank the Lord almighty for that little miracle.

Alaskan Bush People without Bear is like a beer without farts, he enters the scene acting all goofy as usual as he rolls in the ashes on the forest floor, tearing trees down with his bare hands, and climbs a tree to survey the scene around him, a tree over there, another over here. Once he is done stating the obvious, we find out where all this extra excitement is coming from. It seems his ex-wife and son are coming to visit and Bear is very happy, even a bit aroused I do believe. Bear mentions that he has never seen his son River, and he wants to be the best daddy ever, just like Billy, so he must get ready for the big visit. He even hints a bit that his evil ex-wife Raiven seems to be concerned for his well being, maybe a reconciliation ? Raiven and River are coming within a few days ! The plot thins…

Noah, Rhain w/h and Rain are at the former barn site talking about cleaning everything up. That’s it, just talking. They rummage through some ash and Rain finds a burnt rat tail to add to her other ghoulish collectables under her bed. Naturally, with all the talk at the barn, we are flooded with barn raising flashbacks, animals in the barn flashbacks, barn and Billy flashbacks, and then back to the present, or 2020 or whatever…

Uh oh ! Big trouble as a spot fire is announced, the gang springs into action to quickly snuff out any form of danger to the house that’s never going to get built. The spot fire is only a few hundred yards from the unfinished dwelling, what if it is allowed to get any closer ? Noah hops onto his toy tractor and races to the small fire (started by the crew for dramatic effect) to dump some handy dirt on it, while the others remark that the fire has a mind of its own. Once extinguished, Bear sets to work to give us the essentials on information on fire and it’s effects. I would tell you what the dude said but I was in the bathroom and missed it. I asked my wife and she was snoring away so I guess if a fire hits near me I am doomed… Damn…

 

Bird and Rain are on Rain’s private deck at her dollhouse, they have collected some charcoal in a jar to manufacture some make up, namely eyeliner. Oh boy, here we go into the twilight zone with the Brown sisters and the made up tales of ingenuity and insight. File this storyline under the same BS as the pizza on the tin roof, the rat slippers, Bird’s yearnings for a boyfriend, etc etc… They crush up the filthy soot and then start applying it to their faces with abandoned glee, remarking how they really never wear that much makeup out here in the wild. After the makeup debacle, Bird makes some toothpaste out of charcoal grime and mint, she proceeds to brush her tooth and then spits it out on Rain’s clean deck. Rain complains a bit about Bird’s spittle on her private property, and then tries to brush her teeth and she also spits out the repulsive and repugnant mixture. We cannot leave this scene quick enough.

Bear joins Bam in the woods to cut trees for some obscure reason. Bam is wearing some sort of outer space protective gear on his face while operating the chainsaw. Bear mentions that his only (thank God) child is coming soon, and we all break into laughter as obviously Bam couldn’t give a shit about Bear and his life. Rather pathetic also. Okay, moving on, most guys, and a lot of gals, know the proper sequence to safely fell a tree with a chainsaw. Well, leave it to Bear to introduce us to the extreme and totally dangerous method he dreamed up. Bam yells at him to proceed safely and do it right, but the insane little man continues to mangle the poor tree till it does fall down. I was on my feet, cheerleading for the tree, “Fall on Bear ! Fall on Bear !” but it managed to topple safely over, with Bear commenting that is exactly where he wanted it to fall, squarely laying across the fire lane road.

Rain and Bird are deep in the woods rummaging through some burnt planks, saving them actually, because, as Bird says, they are in short supply and may be needed later. In the tree filled forest. What an idiot. They see a mouse run away from the boards as they lift one up. “A mouse !” they exclaim, “how rare!”, yep, a mouse on the forest floor, really rare stuff. They tilt their collective small brains to the east as they hear something else, a motor, on the mountain. LOOTERS !!!! Just like ‘part time Pat’ told them so last week. They rev up the handy ATV sitting nearby and race towards the sound, stopping long enough to catch sight of a vehicle driving on the mountain road some 100 feet away from their location. They pop out the fake pistol and the shotgun that supposedly burnt to a crisp at Bird’s shanty, and race off to blast the intruders back to the stone age. Even though there is only one road up there, and they have the advantage of a four wheel drive ATV, they manage to lose the criminals in the pursuit. They arrive at the house that is standing begging to be worked on, and discover that nothing is missing, the house is still there, that no one is around. Later on, I am sure they were informed that it was some production crew members out looking for some smoke to film, and got lost while enjoying the legal herb available in the state. And those two girls looked on in wonderment as they tried to imagine what they were being told, legal herb ? Who is Herb ???

Bear is done bothering Bam apparently, and wanders (or rolls and skips and jumps) over to see what the Gabe is up to. He is chopping firewood and Bear grabs the axe to demonstrate the Bear extreme method of wood dismemberment. They get into a discussion about how Bear’s son River is coming to visit in the next few days, or weeks or whatever, and Bear says he gets a sense of bonding with Gabe because he has a kid too. Her name is Sophie, Gabe tells us, and is the most important person in his life. Really? Maybe I’m getting old and forgetful, but who the hell is Sophie ? She must have been in the script long ago as a child of the Hulk, but I have trouble recalling. Don’t tell me I have to go back and watch hours upon hours of this dreck show to find out. I’ll take Gabe at his word I guess, he has a child named Sophie. And if this imaginary child is so important, where in the hell is she ? And the mother ? I do remember he got married and she stuck around for an episode or two, and then vanished to either divorce court or an unmarked grave. Does Gabe ever get to see Sophie like Bear gets to see his son once every year ? Oh well, plot holes as big as the gap in Birds teeth….

Bear finally mentions his extremeness at 34 minutes into the show, attaboy… Billy mumbles out some of his wore out gospel on Brown BS, and then it’s back to the sisters who never will stop making asses out themselves. Something is up this time as the sad music is played. Bird misses her mangy diseased cats, and wonders if it is worth the time and effort to ensnare some more captives. She looks up at the sky as she hears the call of the wild, the call of Alaska, the call of her private condo still standing empty in Alaska. Rain reconizes the depression setting in, and quickly goes for her always nearby Prozac to treat her sister. An Alaska/Bird flashback is presented, the good old days when they lived on a film set in the woods, on an island, living off the caterers good will and Discovery’s checkbook. Bird is now feeling the need to head back where she belongs, and asks Rain to join her there. Rain is frozen in thought as she cannot remember her next line and we leave it at that.

The ever present danger of spot fires is again seen as the production crew light up another one for filming some drama. We are told it is very close to the main house that is never going to be built, but when they show the house in a drone shot, no smoke, or fire is seen at all. Someone yells that the windmill might help by supplying much needed water to put out the raging inferno, everyone laughs at that silly suggestion. Noah jumps onto the Tonka and goes as fast as a snail to the old horses’s corral to get some water to put on the flames. He sees that going on the road is a waste of valuable time, and makes the command decision to just bust through the wooden fence that didn’t burn in the fire of all fires on North Star Ranch. He stops in front of a watering tub and frantically scoops about ten gallons of water into the Tonka’s bucket and then heads back to the fire that is supposedly waiting for him to return. He dumps the remaining water, that didn’t spill out on the trip, on the fire and all is well. Noah deserves a medal of genius, crisis diverted !

After that made up scene, Bird is in the forest calling for her peacocks (or she is constipated, can’t really tell which). It is of course a foolish spectacle, the birds never show up and yet she keeps howling like a looney. What isn’t shown is that Noah, after a hard day on the tractor, went out and captured the peacocks and then cheated on his diet by roasting them up and serving them with a side of potatos and some peas and a dozen Twinkies ™. Yum ! And Bird’s hands are shown in this scene, one hand has fingernails painted black (charcoal maybe), and the other hand has red fingernails. Who wouldn’t want to date this girl ?

With the imminent arrival of his son River, Bear works frantically in his madness cell (otherwise known as his storage container/home), to make a gift for his offspring. It has to be perfect, so after one and a half minutes he makes a pathetic looking sock puppet out of one of his old, smelly, stained, lice infested blankies, and draws a hideous face on it to give to River. Bear can hardly hold back his excitement as the hour approaches that he can finally see his son for the first time.

While Bear counts down the minutes to his emasculation in front of his ex wife and son, the sisters have settled in on a patch of dirt to do a a ‘Chinchilla Cool Off’. I wondered what in the world that could be when Bird starts wiping dust all over her arms and body while kneeling on the ground. Rain looks on in disgust and dismay as Bird then tosses a huge handful of dust in the air into her hair and head, then lays down and rolls around in the dust till she is a filthy mess covered in dirt, animal droppings and grime. Wow, I mean, just Wow… You can see the expression in Rain’s eyes that she is deeply concerned for her sister and her mental breakdown, she hopes it is not contagious...

The big day arrives and Bear is ready to meet and greet the son he never knew. What the episode doesn’t show us is the legal wranglings that went into this encounter. First the lawyers from Raiven, Bear and Discovery Channel™ had to meet for a week to iron out all the neccesary legalities to ensure that a lawsuit wasn’t pending in the future from said meeting. Raiven’s conditions had to be met, including a private jet to and from the location, with a helicopter standing by in case Bear started acting irrationally or showed signs of wood. She was to be provided a hairdresser, caterer, private assistant and nanny so she wasn’t bothered by the kid. All payments on behalf of Discovery Channel™ to Raiven were to be deposited in her private account three days prior to the meeting. Bear was not allowed any time alone with child, and a maximum visit of 30 minutes was all that was allowed. No other Brown family members were allowed to be present or within 5 miles of the meeting place. Bear was allowed to show River a photo of Ami so she could see her grandbaby. Bear was only allowed to say “Hi River” and that was it. Any howling, or signs of extremeness, were not to be tolerated and would end the meeting immediately. There was to be no touching or conversation allowed between Bear and Raiven. Once the meeting was concluded, a security team would escort Raiven to an undisclosed location while Bear was blinfolded. All photos of Bear, Raiven and River had to be authorized by the Discovery Channel™ and Raiven. Said photos became the copyrighted property of Raiven and the Discovery Channel™ and any use outside of their intended propaganda purposes would result in a large fine and prison sentence to Bear. Three photos chosen by Raiven and the Discovery Channel™ would be approved at a later date for Bear’s use on a social account, any editing or enhancement would forfeit his right to further visits. Bear signed the 18 forms allowing the terms of his visit to proceed, and in the end we saw a couple of cute pictures of River and that was it. And the kid probably slept through the whole 6 minutes allowed for the visit. The sock puppet was later found discarded at the airport in a trash container.

Billy and Ami meet the kids in the house it appears, and Bird breaks the news that she would rather skip out to live in Alaska than spend another minute in their presence. Bam gets all disjointed and says he needs their help in doing the work that never gets done. Billy settles matters, giving Bird his approval to find her roots again in Alaska, and now it looks like Rain will join her. Billy tells Bam to shut it or he is out of the show, which Bam takes seriously, being that if he had to earn a true living doing actual work, he would be a homeless bum in a month. Ami, in one of her 1920’s hat collection, reads some nonsense off the cue cards and the show ends with not even a hug or howl.

So the girls are heading to Alaska to pursue their dreams, with a 30 man production unit, and assistants to help them along, I can’t wait, this Washington State crap is getting old…

 

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5 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People episode recap S13 E3 ‘Little River and the Big Sea’

  1. One Sunday, from 8-10 PM, Discovery aired episodes 2 and 3 of ABP for the 2021 season. Since some of the previous seasons have had just 6 episodes, could we be a week or two away from the end of the 2021 season for ABP?
    Will the trip back to Alaska be a spinoff?
    Am I the only one who found Sunday’s show sort of insane, jumping back and forth between events?
    And did I fall asleep and miss the appearance of the spawn? The promo for the episode said the baby would show up, but I didn’t see it.
    Why was Rhain wearing shorts, strolling around in the still burning forest?
    Keep up with the reviews, although it may soon be impossible to make one damned bit of sense out of the dwindling yet multiplying clan.
    K

  2. Bravo, R.O.! Enjoyed the recap! Bam is a fine one to talk about just getting up and taking off somewhere to follow your dream! He missed a season or two by running off with Alison, and it’s ok if HE does it, but Bird mentions heading back to Alaska, ’cause she misses it; and Bam is being a complete jackass about it! Ugh!

    1. Thanks for the fine comments Sue !

      And as if Bam and the others are actually doing anything to further the cause of anything at the mountain. They keep yapping on about the house, yet not one of them has lifted a finger to even pound one nail. Just stupid nonsense like ziplines and gold and imaginary looters… haha

      1. When Gabe married Raquell, she was the size of a small country in her wedding dress. She was obviously about to deliver a child, any minute. But it was never discussed on screen. Perk Slop wanting to maintain their BS about Gabe and Rockwell sleeping in separate beds so they could appear to be “pure”. What a load of CRAP!

        1. “the size of a small country in her wedding dress”

          Haha… that’s a good line…

          The program did offer at least a feasible plot line to the Gabe/Raquell scenario. I seem to recall that it was mentioned that she had a couple of kids from a previous marriage. And they were living in the barn loft for some time after the marriage ceremony. I read online somewhere that that she wasn’t interested in being a reality show star, and thus is not seen in most episodes. Since I read it online, and it wasn’t announced on the show, I just make fun of the whole situation endlessly. As far as the child, I seem to recall a mention earlier of Gabe and his wife having a baby, and yes, I think she was with said child at the ceremony of marriage.

          I also seem to recall a scene where the Gabe Brown ‘family’ moved out of the barn loft to more suitable accommodations elsewhere. It was covered pretty quickly and then forgotten. So many things happen non stop on this joke of a show it is hard to keep them straight.

          Interestingly enough, in one of the teasers/promos for the show, I saw a woman with one of the Brown girls washing clothes in a bucket while sitting on the ground, this may be Raquell. Since it was a promo and not actually in the show, I don’t mention it in the recaps. If she shows up ever in the show, I will be sure to spin the hell out of it…

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