Well, I love the title of this weeks’ episode. Bum is going to be center stage for awhile, and those pesky, trained, fun loving bears are all set to make an appearance. You can hear them in their dressing room, doing honey bumps and downing blackberry shots. They’re ready, the Browns are ready, I’m ready. Are you ready? Let’s get in to it.
Asa grabs the mic and carries on about the Big Bum Build and the bears. Eerie music starts playing while Gaybe searches the ranch for the non existent bears, he’s carrying a pistol and is ready to shoot any imaginary bears he supposedly sees. He sees some bear scat that the producers spread around, pokes at it with a stick and since this scene is going south fast, we go back to Asa. He tells us for the 855th time, in two years, how necessary it would be to have shelter on a 4000 foot mountain where there is no utilities, and you can die overnight, just because. He expresses a concern for Bum, as his house isn’t even started and winter will be back before you know it. I watch this show every week, what in the hell has Bum been doing? I’m a little concerned myself. And where exactly did he live and sleep all this time?
Bum and Bilky sit next to a smoky fake fire and talk the house issue out. Bum don’t want no flashy home, no trapper shack, and that leads right into a flashback about incredibly dreadful housing they lived through in Alaska, on a reality show. Nope, Bum wants a forever home, or at least a 6 month hut. So he has been ironing out the details to cut trees on his part of the squatter’s land, run the trees into town to a friend who runs a mill, trade some of NoDuh’s inventions for the milling work, and then drag the cut lumber back up to his pasture. Why not just get a portable mill to come up and cut the lumber in about 4 hours and be done with it? A little padding is added to the script as Bum tells us it may have to wait till spring, if things don’t go exactly as he has planned it out. So we are pretty much guaranteed nothing will be built for awhile at least. Once a Brown, always a Brown.
NoDuh pulls up on his wife’s new tractor, that she let him ride around on for an hour. He announces to Gaybe, since Gaybe is the only one to show up for this spot, that he is going to make a horse corral for his beautiful wife. I kept waiting for NoDuh to tell us about his new beautiful wife when I realized he was speaking about the mutant creature, Rhain w/H. He wants to make a corral because he bought her a horse for their first year wedding nightmare. And then in typical Brown fashion, they get off the tractor and get on their hands and knees and start moving stones around. Why not use the tractor?
As the work proceeds at a snail’s pace, NoDuh opens up to Gaybe about how he has had it so rough. Being the favorite, smartest, best looking son, married to a Hollywood star look-a-like, it has caused unbearable tensions on his life. He feels his family wants nothing to do with him or the deformity he married. He wants his wife and son to be accepted and loved by everyone, the family, the filming crew, the fans. He wants the solution to life mysteries, answers to his questions of truth, his spiritual awakening, and a couple of Twinkies™ and a Coke™. Gaybe farts and then burps and then asks NoDuh if he said something.
Over to Bore’s special needs containers, where he is kept while not filming. The locks are undone and we catch the wondrous tweaked out world of Bore and his incredible scrambled brain on a piece of toast. This is Bore at his finest, he tears holes in the corners of his worn out and stained mattress, then ties ropes to those now ruined corners, and ties the mattress off the floor about 3 feet. He jumps up on the mattress and swings around awhile till the buzz wears off and then goes back into town to stand on the corner with his ‘Homeless Vet-Please Help-God Bless’ sign to collect enough funds for his next mattress binge. This was so intensely stupid, even the people in my house who don’t watch this trash, watched it, and were left mystified as to what the fuck is this about. I honestly had no answers, and actually felt a bit embarrassed that even I still watch this stuff.
Back to Bum’s backyard with Gaybe, where the two are all set to destroy perfectly good trees and nature for an out to lunch reality show. First Bum jokingly asks Gaybe if he plans to listen to and lick the tree before he cuts it. Gaybe does both and laughs, I laughed, it was funny. The tree cutting begins and ends shortly thereafter, when one tree falls onto another still standing tree creating a dangerous situation that people could die from at any minute if not for Brown ingenuity. Bum declares an official ‘Widowmaker’, and says they need to go get the dozer to pull the tree free and clear. Bum shows us his really cool tattoo, that says ‘Gypsy’.
While NoDuh clears the land for the corral with Gaybe, BirdBrain is put in charge of Eli, and BirdBrain acts like it is the first time she has ever seen him, or a baby. NoDuh tells the world flagrantly that BirdBrain is the most stable person on planet earth and that is why she is the godmother to Eli. He doesn’t tell us the identity of the godfather. And for some reason, BirdBrain calls Rhain w/H, Alicia the whole time. I know that is her real name, or Ruth, but is the basic deal here, that even now, after all this time, BirdBrain can’t call her Rhain w/H? Anyway, the kid is alive later on in the program so I guess he didn’t die in her care.
The ‘Bum and Gaybe in the Woods Comedy Hour’ is into its’ second act as the boys pull up in a dozer and put the chains on the Widowmaker. The banter between these two is really quite funny. Gaybe is all for going into the danger zone and felling the Widowmaker with a chainsaw, Bum tells him to go ahead and “I’ll pull out your dead body, bury it somewhere up here, and then get a tombstone that reads ‘Here lies an idiot’.” I laughed at that one, then it got better as they traded barbs back and forth, kinda like making fun of their characters and the lunacy that prevails in this show. So they continue to work on the tree and dozer, and of course the chain that Gaybe brought is too short. Bum tells Gaybe that he needs to clear the area before the tree can be pulled out, so Gaybe starts picking up full trees and carrying them around till Bum tells him to cut them up first or risk a hernia.
A BEAR !!! BirdBrain is determined to prove that there are bears threatening their very existence at North Star Ranch. The ostriches are sure to be the next bear meal if BirdBrain doesn’t do something about it. We get to see a flashback clip from just a couple episodes ago of BirdBrain shooing away a poor little trained bear the producers brought in for some much needed faked realism. Now we are seeing flashbacks from just weeks ago rather than the other flashbacks that date years ago. The scene fizzles down to watching BirdBrain traipse around the forest talking to the cameraman about hallucinatory bears she has seen and whatever.
Act three of Bum and Gaybe as the comedy continues. They work at getting the Widowmaker free, Gaybe found some more chains and throws a stick at Bum in the dozer. The Widowmaker finally gets taken down and hauled out, ready to go into town and be cut up for Bum’s new house. Of course it makes no sense as the tree is alive, the lumber will be green, and using green lumber to construct a house is not the best idea for a ‘forever house’ like Bum wants. He will be forced to wait at least a year to use the lumber if he wants to do it right.
NoDuh and Bore continue to talk about the corral, they appear to be using the castle cinder blocks as posts for the new corral fence. Bore is grinning ear to ear as he informs NoDuh of his new friend, Raiven. This is a girl that Bore met at NoDuh’s wedding, she is the daughter of the photographer. Gaybe asks if this is a girlfriend, and Bore gets all giddy and blushed and says, “Just friends”. NoDuh now goes full confessional as he grieves the mess he has somehow created by marrying Rhain w/H and alienating his true family. He claims everyone would talk to him about stuff before he got married, but not so much now. Now though, he feels as though the family is starting to warm to the idea that he is still their brother, he is still a smart little cookie and his contributions to the family are not to be taken for granted. Now if they could only like the beast that he married. The family does like Eli though, he is a cute ‘lil son of a gun. Funny thing though, for all the talk from Scami about ‘grandbabies’, she sure doesn’t seem to want to be around Eli much. A bit of a flashback story about why the family hates NoDuh before we join Bum again.
Bum is forced to clean the area of brush around his homestead alone after he humiliated and made fun of Gaybe. No time to sleep or eat as work consumes Bum. He seems rather sorry as this takes more time now that Gaybe has left. Bum says “One little ant building a kingdom”, except for the fact all that has got done in two years is a few beautiful trees were cut down, and then dragged around awhile. Big whoop.
MORE BEARS !!! Some stock footage of bears at night is shown to remind us that trillions of maniacal bears with demonic intentions are gathering just outside the North Ranch to attack the poor innocent ranchers who just want to be left alone. We are left in suspended horror as the show goes to commercial. The questions abound. Will the Browns have the resources to defend themselves? Will the bears invade and will the young Eli be okay? Will the ostriches see another sunrise? Will Rhain w/H finish the leftover six slices of cheesecake? We watch as a thin crescent moon slowly makes its way across the sky. Then we watch as an almost full moon rises in the early dawn. Wow, didn’t realize the moon changed that much in a couple hours, I always thought it took weeks. The commercial ends, we come back to the squalid mess called North Star and the massacre is everywhere to be seen. Dead Brown body parts litter the mountain, blood is flooding the barn floor as the last of the chickens and turkeys fall silently to their deaths. The horror of last night is over and today is the start of the new Black Bear Ranch as the critters start taking over. Well, it could happen…
Gaybe and BirdBrain examine the damage the bears caused (minimal), a plastic feed bag was dragged around a bit. So the two start transferring the large bags of feed that were left out everywhere to a safer location, next to Gaybe and Rockwell’s bed in the loft. I am secretly hoping the bears can figure out at 2 AM where the feed is hid and find it, making loud and scary bear noises the whole time.
Some scenes are meant for television viewing and some are not. This next scene is not. NoDuh is taking Rhain w/H to see her new surprise horse, the one he got for the first year wedding in hell anniversary. NoDuh and Rhain w/H are traveling by truck with Rhain w/H wearing a blindfold and a most horrible ensemble ever presented on television. Some sort of ‘wife beater shirt, short cut Daisy Duke overalls, uneven rat’s nest hairdo’ getup. They drive up the mountain from somewhere, NoDuh gets the thrift store queen out of the truck (the shocks and struts of the truck thanked NoDuh), and he introduces her to the newest member of the menagerie, that will soon to be taken back to their regular farms for proper care. Rhain w/H gets all excited about the prospect of owning her own horse, she says she is a true princess or some such bullshit. Meanwhile, the ever resourceful NoDuh has given the horse the most thoughtful and best name ever to be given any animal, ‘Nightmare’. Uh-huh. Now Rhain w/H decides to push the razor closer to NoDuh’s balls, as she tells the camera that she is so happy that NoDuh’s family was forced to help NoDuh get this great gift for her. What? After hearing this, NoDuh retires to his M*A*S*H tent to work on his new invention, a murder device that leaves no clues.
Bum heads over to NoDuh’s to ask for help on the homestead site he is trying to establish. At this point we get the realization that Bum and NoDuh are on separate paths of understanding human nature. NoDuh informs Bum that if he was a nicer person, people would be nice back. NoDuh comes to the understanding that the balance between your biological family and the freak that now has your last name can be very tenuous. NoDuh is working on some sort of electrical outlet that either runs the spanking machine or turns on the white noise maker to drown out Rhain/H’s snoring at night. I guess the producers determined that if we see NoDuh working on something, we will assume this is all he ever does. Regardless, the place is a mess. So anyway, NoDuh refuses to help Bum and Bum leaves.
DA BEARS !!! The bears just didn’t get BirdBrain’s message of “Shoo! Go away!”. One poor bear fell asleep on a fallen tree and awakes to see Gaybe and BirdBrain armed to the ankles ready to send his furry ass to ‘Ursus americanus heaven’. He is so scared he cannot move, the bladder release only amplifies the dignity being lost. BirdBrain and Gaybe debate the next action. BirdBrain now tells Gaybe that it’s a small bear. A small cute bear. A small cute trained bear. She lifts her shotgun high in the air and fires a warning shot, now another, the poor bear runs back to the trainer in tears, and begs to be put back in the safety of his pen back at the bear retirement home. BirdBrain and Gaybe declare victory and bond by shooting at other forest creatures and watching them run like crazy.
If we didn’t get enough of the poor goat getting his balls banded in an episode we all wish we could forget, BirdBrain and AcidRain wander over to the goat pen to sort it out. The poor billygoat is shown to be without dried up shriveled ball sack hanging on him anymore. BirdBrain questions the other goats as to the whereabouts of said sack. They just look at her like she is a looney. BirdBrain starts searching for the discarded and now filthy sack as AcidRain watches from the edge in disbelief. BirdBrain finds it! She is carrying it around like a trophy. Let us all stop, and say a prayer, that we never ever see anything remotely resembling what we just witnessed. Amen.
Taking NoDuh’s sage advice, Bum respectfully asks Gaybe to please help him (or let me boss you around) and Gaybe climbs aboard the now functioning tree removal and land clearing team. Bum says thanks and Gaybe says you are welcome.
We know we are getting to the end when Bilky starts winding up the now wore out routine of sermonizing the public, on what good people they truly, actually are, despite the never ending accusations of being lying scam masters, conning everyone who crosses their rancid smelly path. He rambles on for awhile, and then we get to the big announcement that Gaybe has been saving for the last bit of the program. But first a commercial. What could be Gaybe’s fantastic news? Is he moving to California to become a gifted poet? Or maybe to the south to be talented chef in New Orleans? Maybe he going to enroll at Harvard University. The tension builds at the exciting news. We already know that Rockwell is pregnant from the views at the wedding last week, so that can’t be it, it was pretty obvious.
The one and only fun and hotspot place to be on North Star Ranch is at the NoDuh residence, according to NoDuh. The whole gang (minus Bilky, Scami, Rhain w/H, Rockwell, Eli) is gathered in the squalid tent for rip roaring good times and probably a flashback or two. You can almost smell the Kronic Tonic Kush being passed around with cast and crew. Gaybe walks in and tells everyone to get ready to hear the news that will shock you all. Are the braces coming off? Has the brain transplant been approved? Nope, Rockwell is pregnant and the rube acts like he doesn’t even know how it happened. Everyone acts surprised per the script, and congratulates the dope on being a daddy. Let that sink in a minute. Gaybe is a father to be. Gaybe is passed the ‘Daddy Hat’ and wears it proudly like it actually has a meaning. As you watch this conclude, you can see the small drops of despair that are crawling into Gaybe’s consciousness, as the realization of what lays ahead is slowly revealing itself. Even Bore has succumbed to the wiles of another woman, Raiven has her talons sharpened and shined for the final takedown of the Bore dynasty.
The group takes one last inspired toke, then stand up and give it the old group hug as they retreat inside the corners of the mind that are best left unvisited.
Bilky gives it the old college try at redemption in another added on sermon, which is forgotten in moments, and the show closes its’ window into the blackness, which surrounds the souls of the Browns on a mountain, in Washington, not Alaska, not in the bush.
Matt is still AWOL…
Yet another pathetic story of the Browns, facing the same dangers as before, and overcoming those obstacles. Tonight’s tale was straight out of a philosophy handbook, NoDuh’s acceptance of the fact his family finds him as utterly useless as the rest of society, yet finding redemption in the joyful welcome back he receives eventually. Bum Bum’s comprehension of the fact that he can be a nicer person materializes in the added benefit that these same people will be nice to him. Of course it would be great if it wasn’t all made up crap, together with being poorly written. Can’t have it all….
more or less…