OH BOY! The shitfest we know as Alaskan Bullshit People is having another Christmas episode! Both their fans will be SO excited. Don’t get your magic pantry bowl out just yet, it’s a lot of rehashed scraps from seasons past. Kudos to ParkSlop for making it LOOK like Mutt, NoDuh, and Gaybe gave enough shits to be there and contribute, but in a rare moment of clarity they made the correct choice to not be a part of this shameless scam any longer.
America’s favorite Sheriff, NoDuh, did not make an appearance. He is currently practicing his chosen profession of “Chronically Unemployed” by grifting back and forth in the American west with The Night Stalker.
Let’s dive head first into this pile! Wait, before we do, there’s something I noticed that needs to be talked about. Have you noticed that BirdBrain is getting better looking while AcidRain is looking more and more like the fat lesbian from Orange Is The New Black? If Bilky got BirdBrain some new teeth, she’d be quite an attractive woman. Sadly, Bilky has other expenses like cigarettes, Harley’s, and of course watches.
Anyhoo, back to the episode. It starts out with old footage of Gaybe and NoDuh and a couple other insignificant chuds throwing around a football. I thought Tommy Wisseau’s take on throwing around a football in The Room was more believable than this staged BS.
Back in Kaliforny, Bum, AcidRain, Bore, and BirdBrain manage to convince Bilky to get out of bed long enough to come out onto the porch and read from the script. I don’t know why it bothers me, but in this episode Bilky sure goes out of his way to make sure his Rolex is in the shot. I’m surprised one of his Harley’s didn’t make it into the episode. He did however manage to keep his Marlboro’s out of his pocket so as not to get caught again.
Bum and Bore talk about how they never knew the exac… What the FUCK is Bore wearing! A silky purple shirt buttoned down far enough to see the bling hanging down to his sunken chest. I think he’s getting fashion inspiration from The Carol Burnett Show (you know which episode :)).
The four chuds that needed a paycheck decide to go shopping for a Christmas Tree. More flashbacks about staged events from the past. Gaybe and Mutt lick the limbs of a pine tree. I shit you not… This is what passes for ‘bush’ in the minds of these idiots. And what’s the deal with all the lumps and sores on Gaybe’s tongue. Wait… Never mind, I don’t want to know.
More flashbacks… BirdBrain reminisces about dancing with NoDuh, thus ushering in more flashbacks of NoDuh and how he made things that were quickly discarded because they are useless pieces of shit (his inventions, not the Brownklownz… Wait, yes, also the Brownklownz).
They try and explain why NoDuh isn’t around anymore and play the scene from their visit to Colorado where he tells the family that when he grows up he wants to be a sheriff. We could call him sheriff Bullshit T. Justice. Mutt actually tells him, “Well, good luck with THAT!” The statement is kind of harsh, I mean c’mon… how hard would it be for an uneducated, narcissistic dwarf with no experience or demonstrable job skills to get elected as sheriff?
Back to the Christmas Tree lot. This is really scraping the bottom of the barrel as ParkSlop shows a couple segments of them running around like confused idiots trying to figure out the complicated big city process of buying a Christmas Tree.
BirdBrain goes way off script and starts talking gibberish about things that happened somewhere at some time I guess?
More interview bullshit with Bum and Bore… And more of Bore’s flamboyant shirt. The chuds, who are all in their twenties except AcidRain who just turned fifteen (and has never been to skool), decide to play a game of Hide and Seek. How ’bout just HIDE!
Now it’s Mutt’s turn for his screen time. Various flashbacks show him acting shit-stupid and burning things. Bilky claims that Mutt isn’t appearing on the show because he has the flu… And by ‘flu’ he means Jack Daniels.
This year it’s AcidRain’s turn to pick the tree because, y’know, it’s their bullshit tradition. Valuable ions are wasted transmitting these chuds cutting down a tree in the most turgid and boring way possible.
Bilky tells how Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer Schmidt got her name. Basically, she was named after random shit they saw on the windshield while driving Scami to the hospital to give birth. Wait… Didn’t she claim she was born on a boat? Never mind. They show the flashback scene where AcidRain is taken to the dentist and the receptionist gives an appropriate response to her stupid name.
After the break, we see the four remaining chuds in the kitchen talking about another bullshit Christmas tradition… Spaghetti! Bum claims that Scami was taught the recipe by her Grandmother. Wait… Scami left home when she was fifteen to marry Bilky and hasn’t talked with them since, so she learned this recipe as a kid? What kid cooks spaghetti? Then Bum waxes retardingly as he claims it’s really nice to have a connection with your past by having these traditions… that come from a family you’re not allowed to talk too! Great ‘connection’ there.
This spaghetti bullshit goes on too long. Bore embarrasses himself by trying to be EXTREME in the kitchen. He totally destroys an onion and smashes potatoes into an unrecognizable mush. But it doesn’t matter because I’m sure after ParkSlop yells ‘cut’ they’ll head to Subway for some regular food that isn’t made for pretend on TV.
Next, the four remaining chuds begin to stage the backyard so that Scami can have a surprise Christmas… in November… When this was filmed. AcidRain is so bush she brings a potato peeler to shave the bottom of the tree so it gets water.
More flashback and interview bullshit about how Bum is grumpy, thus the family phrase, “Bam Humbug!” Bum claims it doesn’t bother him but then in a flashback he says that it’s really starting to piss him off. So much for script continuity.
Now it’s BirdBrain’s turn for more flashbacks. There’s a lot of past shots where she shoots her gun and bosses her brothers around.
Now for some footage of Scami at the hospital. There are some shots of Gaybe, but he doesn’t say anything and doesn’t even make eye contact with the camera. Good for him. Let’s hope the rest of these idiots decide they don’t want to be filmed anymore.
Scami gets an update where the doctor tells her that the chemo is done but she is not out of the woods yet. Well, maybe she’d do a lot better if Bilky would stop smoking! Asshole.
In the short segment, the family talks about how the smartest and most likable member of the family, Mr. Crapcake, really enjoys Christmas. Bore seems to be his favorite chew toy. After all, they’re about the same weight and height.
Now for the big reveal! Scami makes her grand entrance to see what her chuds put together for her… Well, the chuds and a few ParkSlop interns and the contruction crew.
Scami comes out looking like the guy in Picasso’s The Scream. I guess they cut the part where she asked where the three missing chuds are.
Mutt appears in a pre-recorded memory talking about how great it is that their parents dream of a flourishing Browntown has come true. Where at… FANTASYLAND! There isn’t a flourishing Brown ANYTHING ANYWHERE!
Anyhoo, the family scarfs down food and tells us over and over again how great it is to be a Brownklown. Personally, I’d rather be born into a family of range hens than these morons.
Merry Bullshit Christmas!
NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.