Another week of bullshit is in the can… Literally. Just when you thought this show couldn’t be any more turgid, boring, self serving, and phony, Discoverup and ParkSlop shed any and all integrity and self respect and produce another hour of Alaskan Bullshit People.
One thing I’ve noticed this season is that they seem to spend a lot of time each episode trying to convince us that despite nearly all of them being found guilty of PFD fraud, they are still innocent. It’s someone else’s fault, as always. After all, BullshitBilly Karesh would never coerce his family into falsifying information so he could have more money, right? RIGHT! This is an honest, hard working, loving family dammit!
Back to the recap. In the opening segment, AcidRain tells Mutt that he needs to do something about his hair. They use ‘bush’ hair gel to make his appearance more acceptable in the bush. AcidRain is, after all, the fashion expert of the family. I wonder if she told him to accessorize with an Apple Watch like hers?
Next we see ExtremeBore embarrass himself even more as he applies a layer of scat to his entire body so he can become part of the environment when hunting. He wishes he had a bush ‘princess’ that would rub mud on his back whenever he thinks he’s being ‘extreme’. He also tells us that this is how you have to do things if you’re going to live on the bush, which is weird because these simpletons don’t live in the bush… unless the Icy Straights lodge in Hoonah changed their name to ‘The Bush’.
He them hams it up for the camera showing us how he punches fish with his carnie hands, capped off with a wolf howl because, you know, he’s ‘extremely wild’.
Back to the filming location where BullshitBilly is sad because in three days they start to serve their sentence for ripping off REAL Alaskan’s by falsifying residency documents for Alaska’s PFD fund. The narrator tells us that the problem came about because the gubmint claims they aren’t Alaskan residents. Actually, the issue was that they spent too much time outside of Alaska hocking BullshitBilly’s book ‘One Scam At A time’. If you’re not IN Alaska for a majority of the year you don’t qualify… ’nuff said. But, instead of placing blame on a professional ‘victim’ ParkSlop sides with the Brownklownz and declares that it’s someone else’s fault.
I wonder what SpotlessAmi will do for thirty days without BullshitBilly Karesh constantly telling her what to do?
He tells his chuds that there’s some chores he wants them to finish before he leaves to sit on his ass for thirty days. After giving them their orders, he proceeds to sit on his ass. Meanwhile, ExtremeBore decides to take Bum grouse hunting to take his mind of his upcoming jail time.
To prepare, they launch plastic milk jugs into the air with their trebuchet. The two keep talking about ‘bullets’, but they’re firing a shotgun which uses ‘shells’. You would think bush hunters would know the difference but since they’re probably reading a script written by the ‘professionals’ at ParkSlop, they’ll call it whatever it says so those magic checks will continue showing up.
One thing that bothered me was they appear to actually be shooting milk jugs filled with milk! That’s an expensive commodity in Alaska (I’ve been there several times, I know). They also seem to use about a dozen of them, and then walk off leaving the mess on the beach! I guess they’re hoping the tide will wash them out to sea.
Next is one of the most laughable segments NOT featuring DuhVinciNoah. Mutt, BirdBrain, and AcidRain decide to build a greenhouse so vegetables can grow while they are gone for thirty days. Where’s DuhVinciNoah? Isn’t he supposed to build these useless failures? Mutt explains that what he’s building is actually a Bio-Dome. I’m sure it will be a bigger flop than the actual movie.
Mutt walks around with Saran-Wrap constantly muttering his ‘ha HA ha‘ mantra in an attempt to either make us laugh or convince us he is actually shitsall crazy.
By the way… Where in the hell do they keep getting this Saran-Wrap? I thought when Mutt built his plastic house he told us that he had that one roll left because everything else was lost on the Lorcan when they lost everything… Again.
Back at the cabin, BullshitBilly tells ExtremeBore that he needs to take Bum out hunting so that he can relax… And also provide food for his useless chud parents.
Bum and ExtremeBore take the skiff across the bay to a supposed hunting spot. Luckily for them, some kindhearted Alaskan left an ATV for them to use. Have you noticed lately that the Brownklownz seem to rely heavily on other people that ‘loan’ them things? They also never seem to return the favor, they just take and take and take and never do anything for anyone else without getting something in return.
Anyhoo, Mutt exclaims that he is a much better hunter than ExtremeBore because he was born with a knife in one hand and a PFD fund check in the other… Wait, I mean a gun. ExtremeBore almost kills Bum driving worse than Mutt when he got his DUI (ba-dum-tish). But enough about Mutt and his DUI, we’ll get into that later.
Back at the filming location, Mutt and his sisters have made the SaranWrap walls and now need a roof. This is the really sad part. They drape the roof over the ‘Biodome’, which sags more than SpotlessAmi’s eyes. One good rain and it’ll fold like a lawn chair.
Not to be outdone, DuhVinciNoah has his own shit-stupid invention that he and Wolverine are working on. He wants to build a clothes washer to go along with his clothes incinerator he built last year. He wants to build it out of scraps. Why not just use one of the several dozen discarded washing machines we see every time they visit the dump? But no, this ‘genius’ wants to use a 55-gallon drum and an elaborate pipe / plunging mechanism.
He says he wants to build it because now if they want clean clothes they have to take them down to the creek. If anyone out there, even the most ardent Brownklown supporter, believes they do their laundry in a creek and bang the dirt out with rocks… Well, I’m sorry but you’re a f*#%ing moron. But hey, for the sake of riffing this shitshow let’s just go along with it.
Taking a lesson from dear ol’ dad, DuhVinciNoah has an ‘injury’ which makes him unable to do the work. He convinces his clueless brother to do all the lifting and heavy work for him.
He explains that, “People don’t understand the things I create-ahh.” That’s because they’re useless, stupid, and don’t make any sense to anyone with half a brain. Oh, and I wasn’t joking when I put the ‘-ahh’ at the end. The deluded idiot actually said ‘create-ahh’. Man, he sounds SOOOO smart when he does that! I’m convinced he’s a genius… Aren’t you?
Back at the hunting location, Mutt and ExtremeBore continue driving a loud ATV around the island, scaring off any bird within a five mile radius.
After the commercial, Mutt decides that having a very saggy roof on an outhouse… Sorry, GREENHOUSE, is not a good idea. Unless of course you hook up a series of straws to drain the pooled water inside and water the plants! He concocts an elaborate series of connected straws, making it easier to get juice from his sippy-cup. Wait, where the hell did they get thousands of straws? Man, I thought these people lived remote but it seems they can get just about any item in any quantity delivered to them in time for filming. They must have an Amazon Prime Bush subscription.
Mutt shows off his waste of time and effort to his useless parents. they are very proud of him and wonder why he hasn’t started planting the food for them yet. He shows them his fancy manual irrigation system. Wait… I thought they were leaving for thirty days. So, who’s going to turn it on and off? Oh right, it’s all scripted bullshit. Sorry, I keep forgetting.
Back at the filming location, ParkSlop tells us that BullshitBilly returned from one of his trips into Hoonah to meet with his lawyer. He tells SpotlessAmi that his phony bullshit injuries and illnesses worked because some well meaning liberal judge is considering house arrest for him and Bum.
Back to the hunting trip, ExtermeBore and Mutt have no luck as usual hunting a grouse. For experienced bushmen, none of them seem to exhibit any skill when hunting. If they truly had to live in the bush they’d starve to death within a week.
At the filming location, DuhVinciNoah and Wolverine continue working on their latest waste of time. DuhVinciNoah magically produces a brand-new looking electric motor and gear conveniently mounted on a metal base. They hook it up to the gears above and create something that simply smashes clothes up and down in a dirty 55-gallon drum. But hey, this will get their clothes clean and the clothes incinerator will get them burnt in no time!
Wolverine tells us you couldn’t find a better one if you bought it at a store. That statement would be true if this were 1880!
Across the garbage-strewn landscape, BullshitBilly suspects there’s something wrong with Mutt and pays him a visit. He says he’s concerned because Mutt goes to town and stays for a long time before coming back (to do work for BullshitBilly). Wait… I thought they all lived in the bush, but now we find out Mutt heads into town and stays there for days at a time? It’s not surprising since apparently the whole family spends days in town and only goes out to Browntown periodically for filming.
Finally, the day of sentencing has arrived. I thought it was really weird that just because BullshitBilly and Bum have to do thirty days in prison, the ENTIRE family heads out to stay by their side. What are they going to do, hang outside the jail and howl? Why can’t the rest of them stay in Browntown and take care of the place? What a bunch of bullshit.
The next five minutes drone on and on with various Brownklownz crying about how they are going to be split up and how they will miss each other. For Christ’s sake, it’s thirty frickin’ days! They act like they are splitting up for 5 years.
In the short segment, Wolverine and AcidRain put carpet inside the sleeping quarters of the SS Grifter. Yeah, that’ll make it livable.
The last ten minutes again are spent with whining Brownklownz crying about how two of them are going to be going away for thirty days. oh, woe-is-them. Thirty days without BullshitBilly telling them what to do every 5 minutes and Bum not being there to flip out at every whim is a welcome vacation I’m sure.
SpotlessAmi cries to BullshitBilly telling him, “You’ve always been my protector“… Except when she needed protection from marrying a 26 year old grifter when she was 15. And he certainly didn’t protect her from a life of despair and poverty. I wonder what she thinks he DID protect her from? Her loving family back in Texas?
In the preview for the next episode, it looks like the Brownklownz get a cannon, they rename the SS Grifter, and Mutt goes to rehab! Yes, rehab… Apparently he’s a bush alcoholic. Then again, if I had those two useless idiots for parents I’d drink a lot too.