ABP Episode Recap S04:E09 Released To the Wild

Alaskan Bush People installing captains chair on the boatI’ve said it before that this season is one long, drawn out bore. What used to take one episode is now spread out over a whole season. This episode is yet another grand example of that. So let’s dive right in with this week’s episode recap of Alaskan Bullshit People!

In the opening segment, ExtremeBore and Wolverine install a broken down, barely functioning stool. No, not BullshitBilly, but an actual stool from a diner. They think it will make an excellent captain’s chair for the SS Grifter.

Alaskan Bush People in JuneauHere we go again. ParkSlop’s narrator tells us once again how the Brownklownz are just simple victims of some evil gubmint conspiracy. The valiant family fought hard, but BullshitBilly and Bum decided to put in a plea for the sake of the family. Yawn.

We are told, by the black screens with white text, that they were not allowed to be filmed while under house arrest monitoring. Really? I’m no lawyer but I’m pretty sure that too is bullshit. They just didn’t want gullible viewers to see them laying around in a hotel room, watching TV, and ordering room service, even though that’s apparently what they do everyday in Hoonah when not filming this bullshit TV show.

Alaskan Bush People Bear scrubs the deck
Scrubbing Bushpeople… They work hard so dad don’t have toooooooo

They try and convey how sad and lonely the non-jailed Brownklownz are. I bet they enjoyed the hell out of having BullshitBilly out of their hair for a while and not having to provide for him 24/7. Wolverine and AcidRain decide to repaint the name of the boat, the SS Grifter.

ExtremeBore decides to become a “human mop” by strapping brushes and rags to his body (not the rags he usually wears). He then has his dull-witted sisters drag him along the deck of the boat in attempt to get it clean enough to now be considered a piece of shit. It does nothing but once again prove ExtremeBore should be wearing a helmet full time and going to a special school.

Alaskan Bush People Gabe gets bracesBack inside the SS Grifter, Wolverine has new teeth! Wow! This bush family must be bartering the shit out of salmon! AcidRain, SpotlessAmi, now Wolverine have all got dental work. Poor BirdBrain… She still has Summer Teeth. Y’know, some’r here, some’r over there. Although if they did fix her teeth, how would the family open cans?

Wolverine and ExtremeBore decide that after a month of not doing anything, maybe they should get a job?!?! What the hell have they been doing for thirty days besides mildly wiping down the SS Grifter? Oh, and did you notice that during all these scenes of Wolverine showing off his teeth and various Brownklownz working all over the boat that SpotlessAmi is nowhere to be found? Guess she was filling in for BullshitBilly’s chores and hibernating until work was finished.

In good ol’ poorly scripted ParkSlop bullshit style, the Brownklownz just happened to find another job waiting for them just as the plot called for it! Wow, the luck of these people. They should buy lottery tickets! Or at least find a gullible TV network to pay them for their bullshit stories. Wait…

Alaskan Bush People - Browns get a jobThey get to haul more useless junk to Pelican for the weirdo to whom they delivered the tetanus inducing desk. They load the scraps up on a truck and take it to the SS Grifter to be loaded. One of the items is a very heavy training dummy which is no problem for them to load since they have two training dummies they call parents that they have to carry around at times.

Oh, and DuhVinciNoah was missing from the hauling load. Where the hell is he? He obviously feels alright since he didn’t need his cane this episode (or at times in previous episodes).

Cut to Mutt. He spends time alone and away from the other Brownklownz. He says he thinks alot about his life and is sad. No shit… You live with guilting, controlling, Munchhausen parents that have kept you uneducated and dependent on them while making you provide for them and their chosen lifestyle. This means the only thing you’ve been able to acheive in your 30-something years on this planet is chronic unemployment and a fucking house made out of tires on land you don’t even own! If I was him, I’d drink too.

After being released, BullshitBilly and Bum have more business to take care of in town. I guess they had to settle their pizza delivery bill and hotel Spanktra-Vision fees.

Alaskan Bush People Noah fixes the IntegrityThe rest of the chuds try and start the SS Grifter. DuhVinciNoah kicks AcidRain out of the engine room because according to him she is not needed. DuhVinciNoah decides that he’s going to replace the starter motor. Wait… Wouldn’t you just remove the old starter, lay it on deck and put power to it to see if the clutch engages and the gear turns before going through all the trouble of replacing it with a new one just to see if that’s the problem? But hey, I’m not bush so what the hell do I know.

Of course this emergency once again threatens their hauling business, future on the line, blah blah blah. The next few minutes are spent showing DuhVinciNoah tell us a half dozen times that he hopes it’s the starter. He describes his pulley system as if he’s describing an engineering marvel. After it’s hooked up, he instructs Wolverine to try and start the boat. It starts. Yawn.

Cue the sad music. Mutt decides to have a heart to heart with his brother Wolverine… In front of the cameras. I don’t doubt his sincerity and emotion but I’m sure he would have rather kept that moment private.

Alaskan Bush People leave a candle in the window for mattWolverine explains how none of them drink alcohol. Poor Wolverine doesn’t realize that alcohol may make it easier to live with the fact that they still live with their parents and have to provide everything for them, sacrificing their own dreams and aspirations.

Mutt decides he’s leaving the wolfpack. The rest of the kids are jealous and start thinking of how they can get some alcohol so they can leave the family. ExtremeBore and BirdBrain decide to place a homemade candle in the window. Is a candle left burning in the window of a wooden boat a good idea? Maybe this is how BullshitBilly lost his first ‘house’? Maybe it wasn’t the gubmint that burned it down it was a homemade candle in the window.

Alaskan bush People Ami will miss MattThe parents of the year talk about Mutt and how sad they are that he’s leaving but also proud that he is confronting his demons. SpotlessAmi dispenses more dimestore bush wisdom but is so distraught the words dribble out requiring subtitles to make sense of her gibberish. Her words are so misplaced she sounds more like a bush Yoda.

BullshitBilly starts the SS Grifter and they decide to leave port. In good ol’ ParkSlop bullshit fashion, Oh-No’s! The Brownklownz are experiencing mildly inclement weather! The phony sense of danger is quickly forgotten as they cut to DuhVinciNoah wasting more time on useless, soon-to-be-discarded inventions. He decides to cut out the “Middle-Man-ahhhhh.” Once again, I’m not joking about the “ahhhhh” at the end. Remember, he’s a bush genius and therefore must drag out the last word of a sentence ‘cuz, y’know, that’s what all genius’s do!

Alaskan BUsh People Bear and Gabe try and escapeInstead of spending $10 on a set of walkie-talkies, he ruins a wireless phone and wastes enough time to where he doesn’t have to do any physical labor.

The skiff’s motor also slips down causing it to bounce as it is now ass-heavy. Wolverine and ExtremeBore contemplate escaping on the skiff. Despite being only five feet away, BullshitBilly asks equally lazy SpotlessAmi what’s taking so long. None of them seem to be able to put forth the simplest of efforts in order to find out.

Alaskan Bush People skiff in troubleAfter the skiff drama, they cut to SpotlessAmi who is finishing a project she started a few episodes ago, making BullshitBilly a bracelet from Mr. Crapcake’s hair. Wait a minute… In that episode she told BirdBrain that they make their clothes using this method and this batch of dog fur was going to be used to make a sweater! Like all of their bush ambitions, the sweater was severely scaled back and ended up being a 5-inch piece of thin, flea infested twine… Like BullshitBilly’s pecker (ba-dum-tish). Alaskan Bush People Gabe builds a rescue dummy

Wolverine and AcidRain decide to build a second 300-pound dead weight rescue dummy. Sadly, they spent 2 hours mistakenly using BullshitBilly as the replacement before realizing their error.

Now back to the phony danger at sea plotline. Nothing to see here other than 5 minutes of time wasted.

Alaskan Bush People Gabe builds a captains chairIn the short segment, Wolverine delivers their wobbly captain’s chair to dear ol’ dad. Comedy ensues as BullshitBilly can’t even put forth a minimal effort to keep it balanced. Like every other invention these idiots have tried to ‘make’, it failed miserably and was thrown overboard.

Finally the SS Grifter reaches Pelican Bay. The boat docks despite Bum being ‘off camera’ because he doesn’t feel well. We never see him so who knows where the hell he is. Magically, he’s on shore when the Brownklownz step off the boat and pose for their closing shot.

They deliver the paltry items that I’m sure paid very little. In the scenes from next week’s season finale, Wolverine makes the rescue dummy his friend, DuhVinciNoah complains that no one listens to him, and they return to the filming location one last time before taking off to Hawaii… in the bush.

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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