Thank God Discoverup and ParkSlop decided to roll out another slipshod episode of Alaskan Bullshit People. I really wanted to know what kind of harrowing adventures the crew suffers while filming this shitshow. Plus, behind the scenes footage? Are you shittin’ me? Let’s dive right in.
In the opening scene, ExtremeBore is making a… and there it is, the first piece of bullshit at only 18 seconds into the episode. This has to be a record of some sort. Normally it takes until after the opening credits to spot the first piece of laughable bullshit but man they broke the sound barrier with this one.
What’s bullshit about the scene you ask? Well, thanks to the keen eye of the Alaskan Bush People Exposed Facebook Page, they point out that ExtremeBore is supposed to be starting an extreme fire using sap and some kindling. He tells us BullshitBilly told him this is a bush fire starter. I guess he forgot to include the key ingredient… A frickin’ lighter in his hand! So much for your bush firestarting recipe that really only needs one ingredient, a BIC lighter.
As the episode starts, we take a trip down memory lane with shots of various Brownklownz acting like having a film crew around is an annoyance. Funny, when they seem to need medical care every other episode that film crew and their medics sure do come in handy! The Brownklownz are surprised that the crew shoots so much footage but so little of it makes it to the show. ExtremeBore is sad because only a small percentage of the extreme things he does actually makes it into the extreme show. Thank extreme Christ!
Next, ParkSlop shows us what it’s like to go salvaging with the Brownklownz. As an example, they re-show the footage of when they took the cabin off the beach but left all the garbage they were supposed to remove.
DuhVinciNoah is shown in full Hot-Topic Renaissance Fair attire. Magically, he doesn’t need his cane while lifting empty 55-gallon drums. Bum and ExtremeBore can’t figure out the dimensions needed to float the junked SUV. DuhVinciNoah has a plan, but he warns Bum that he only builds the nuclear weapon and it’s up to Bum to push the button. WTF does that mean?
He scratches a barely legible explanation about what is needed to build the barge correctly.
Cut to AcidRain (Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer-Schmidt) helping out building part of the barge. According to the narrator, it took them over a week to build it. I wonder if they used the ParkSlop construction team’s help?
Bum explains what a good construction worker AcidRain is. I guess if her career as a Waffle House waitress doesn’t work out, she can always build pieces of shit for a living.
Next, she challenges Bum to a push-up contest. Bum seems to be in pretty good shape but ParkSlop has B-Roll to fill so on with the bullshit contest. Bum does 35, AcidRain does about 2. The rest are going through the motions of barely moving her shoulders 4 inches back and forth hoping it will ‘count’ as a pushup. Of course they count, ParkSlop has to convince us she’s tough so just go with it and make them happy.
Cut now to ExteremeBore’s treehouse, which we are told took six weeks to complete. I guess since they are only out there a couple days a week a few hours a day for filming, it would take that long to build a tiny shack that would otherwise take a qualified person a couple of full days.
On to Wolverine’s home, which again we are told took twenty days to move it! So, it took a week to build the barge but twenty days to move the house? What the hell were they doing the rest of the time? Certainly they weren’t removing any of the actual garbage they were hired to remove from the beach.
After it’s on the barge, ExtremeBore gives out EXTREME points. I guess they can be turned in later for extreme prizes like Chuck-E-Cheeses?
Next, we are told what exactly is ‘Brown Luck’. First, we see BullshitBilly after he tripped (not on camera) after the mayor gave them a job. Darnit, now he has to miss more work. Of all the Brown Luck!
Next is my favorite part of the episode. We see never before seen footage of Shithead (DuhVinciNoah) and his hydrogen experiment. The narrator tells that, “although his experiment was ultimately successful…” Not it wasn’t! It never produced any flame at all!
Anyway, just drink the Kool-Aid and go along with it. After he explains how it’s built, he turns on the electricity and BAM! Fire started!
Next we see the crew experiencing “Brown Luck.” One of the brave, courageous crew members tells the harrowing story of how he barely survived being stuck on the beach. Oh, the stalwart courage and heroism of this otherwise Barista employed neck-beard as we hear how he became stuck in the mud and only made it out because of the heroism of the other ParkSlop Crew members.
They portray his story as if he sacrificed so much to get the action shots of ExtremeBore and had to radio in air support in order to get him and his Doc Martin’s out of the mud. Oh, the bravery and heroism of the ParkSlop crew.
Next, we revisit Wolverine getting braces. Again we see the X-Ray where we see that Wolverine has had numerous other dental procedures like fillings and crowns. Wolverine asks how much salmon it’s going to cost. Good Lord.
After the break, we see the numerous bays and small town the Brownklownz have disgraced. In more never before seen bullshit, BullshitBilly looks at the storage needs of someone that actually lives in the bush full time. He explains that in the winter they need numerous refrigerators full of food in order to survive the winter. The Brownklownz just need Travelocity.
I’m not sure if I was reading it right but I think all of this guy’s food expired a couple decades ago?
Next the Brownklownz talk about how great it is that they need a lot of help and there are plenty of gullible locals to help them out while receiving nothing in return.
Mutt and Dump-Buddy Kenny bring an octopus to a local to use for bait. For some reason he has them cut up the octopus, being careful not to cut into the ink sack.
Cut to BullshitBilly and the coach that lives on Pelican. Last season the Brownklownz delivered wrestling mats to the 8-student school there. He and the coach head out to look for gold. Coach seems a little… ‘off’. Like most Brownklown endeavors, they have nothing to show for their effort except a barely visible nugget that won’t cover expenses.
Next SpotlessAmi steps away from BullshitBilly and her slurred-speach chuds so she can feed cheese-balls to the birds with another local. It takes two minutes, after which SpotlessAmi is ready to leave and go back to sitting on her ass.
After the break, we’re treated to more previously seen crap. The crew attempts to document just how tough a time the Brownklownz had in the big scary city. ExtremeBore finds a wooded area where he can run around like an idiot and embarrass himself by showing people just how ADD he is.
What’s this? Oh-NO’s! the narrator explains that the Brownklownz RV fire was also an incredibly harrowing, dangerous, and traumatic experience for the kidz at ParkSlop. Can you believe they lost their car keys! OMG! I felt sooooo sorry for them. Imagine the horror of losing your keys while filming the Brownklownz. I used to think firemen and policeman got put in dangerous situations at times, but they’ve got nothing on this ParkSlop crew.
As the Brownklownz arrive in Ashland, Oregon, they decide to ham it up taking a drink from a heavily sulfur smelling and tasting drinking fountain.
Wolverine and ExtremeBore decide to hang out in the center of town and try and meet girls. They stop two unsuspecting locals who appear to be frantically looking for their rape whistles while answering ExtremeBore’s question.
Next we learn why it’s so hard to keep in touch in the bush. BullshitBilly says that there are no mailboxes or cell phones. Wow. ParkSlop actually let that air, knowing everyone knows it’s complete bullshit.
DuhVinciNoah runs into Randy. They haven’t seen each other in a while. It’s funny that when DuhVinciNoah greets him he suddenly loses his smarmy, better-than-you accent-ahhhhh. Randy explains that when he was in New York, people thought he was a terrorist.
Randy and Trapper pay the filming location a visit and give SpotlessAmi some eggs made from rocks from their old homestead?! Which one, the one that the gubmint burnt down or the one you got ascared away from?
That’s it! I hope you enjoyed this season of recaps. Hopefully this is the last of ‘lost footage’. I need a few months off before watching this shitshow again.