Another week, another diaper load of crap from ParkSlop and Discoverup!
The episode starts with Mutt showing us a well known bush delicacy, a mushroom that tastes just like chicken… Except it tastes nothing like chicken. In fact it’s so rancid he spits it out. Not even 30 seconds into this shitshow and already it’s full of useless non-bush knowledge. I’m learning so little!
Next we see ExtremeBore and BirdBrain guarding their rented cow from a bear. I guess the Security People listed in the credits had the night off?
The narrator retells how this bush family lived off the grid for the last 30-something years and blah blah blah.
Cut to Mutt. He’s still after the deer from last episode. He starts fishing because he’s hungry. I guess the multi-person ParkSlop film crew following him didn’t bring enough to share.
This episode is littered with flashback scenes of shit that happened last episode! C’mon. Mutt catches one and celebrates like an immature child. I guess I could just say he celebrated like a Brown since they are the same thing.
Next, we see ExtremeBore wearing his bush Thriller jacket and collects the morning bounty of eggs. Along comes BirdBrain to help. The hapless moron smacks the eggs in order to break them. This means the eggs and shells are all mixed together producing another shit-tasting delicacy from these non bush people.
Back to poor Mutt. He finds a tree that is about a foot tall with the bottom 6 inches of bark removed. He explains that he must be close to deer because they use these trees to sharpen their antlers. How friggin’ tall is the deer? It would have to be ExtremeBore-sized!
Anyway, I call EXTRA bullshit on this next part where ParkSlop apparently hired Zapruder to film his “shooting” of the deer. We see quick, changing shots of Mutt, the deer, trees, none of which are in the SAME SHOT! But hey, let’s go with the bullshit.
Mutt fires a shot at nothing and then delivers his line, “It’s down!” We don’t see hide nor hair of the deer until Mutt shows up at it’s final resting place.
Mutt cleans the deer quickly so as not to attract bears. He pulls out the deer’s lungs and exclaims it’s the ‘kidneys’. No it’s not. Here’s a photo of a deer’s kidneys! How in the hell do these ParkSlop idiots sleep at night knowing they are producing the biggest bullshit show of all time? God help any hapless viewer that actually tries to use any of their ‘bush knowledge’ in a real life situations. They’ll die!
He explains that they don’t eat the heart. Something about showing bush respect to the bush deer that gave it’s bush life. I guess the bullshit they spewed in the second season when they shot the deer and ate the heart wasn’t bush after all? I need a chart to keep up with what’s bush and not bush week after week.
In an effort to keep bears away, he smears the deer’s blood on his face because it’s bush. I guess the trained bear following him won’t smell that particular blood. Good thing a few ParkSlop people are with him filming.
Mutt throws the gutted carcass over his shoulder and says he wants to make it home before dark.
Now on to the ExtremeBore show. He and AcidRain (whose full name is Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer-Schmidt) decide to get some extreme berries so he can extremely paint his extreme tree-house. Wow… A 26 year old man living in a tree house 30 feet from his parents… How is he still extremely single? I feel like such a fool raising my kids in a stable household, sending them to college, and watching them pursue their own dreams and ambitions. What a mistake. Clearly all of the Brownchuds have such a brighter, more fulfilling future ahead of them.
He picks some red berries because red is extreme. He doesn’t want pink or purple because that would make him look less like a “man” than having berry red walls. Never mind the fact his actions, demeanor, height, lack of education, and extreme immaturity makes him the envy of every six year old out there, it’s not having red walls that will make people think less of him.
Next we see BirdBrain and Wolverine cleaning the cow. I use the word ‘clean’ sparingly because they really only rub it down with a small sponge. Wolverine hopes the cow shit is mud so as not to dirty his new WalMart clothes.
Uh-oh’s! What’s this? A bear is coming towards the cow. Wolverine and Bum walk along side the trained bear. As they approach, Wolverine tries to be ek-shtreem like his mentally deficient brother, ExtremeBore, but he does it with the grace and precision of a dump truck.
Next, BullshitBilly comes out of hibernation to once again instruct his dull-witted adult children to do work for him. He tells them to build a barn for the cow so it will be protected from bears. Wolverine takes the lead since we haven’t had a Wolverine-centric episode for a while.
Back to Mutt. He decides that dragging the deer on the ground is a bad idea. He wraps it in a tarp and drags it along the ground. Much better.
Cut to Scami who waddles out from the filming location cabin to talk with DuhVinciNoah. He walks out and immediately goes into smarm-mode as he pulls out a stick and puts it in his mouth, like he’s sooooo fuckin’ cool!
Scami wants a butter churn because getting butter at the WalMart’s in Seattle, Colorado, New Mexico, and now Las Vegas is too much trouble. ParkSlop then strokes this barely functioning simpleton’s ego by letting him drone on and on about how much of a genius he is and how his inventions are cutting edge technology. He states that, “I’ve always been the ‘create-it’ kind of guy.” I think he misspoke and meant to say he’s the ‘create-SHIT’ kind of guy since none of the garbage he ‘invented’ over the last 5 seasons is anywhere to be seen in practical use.
ParkSlop shows footage of him having an epileptic attack… Oh wait, sorry, that’s him practicing his Tai-Cheesey. Christ, how embarrassing. Someone should tell him that everyone watching this smug, blubbery, androgynous douchebag shuffle along the beech is laughing at him! Wait… Don’t tell him. It’s great entertainment.
Get this. He claims that building a butter churn is not, “Rocket Science… But I do do that as well.” I shit you not, the delusional moron actually thinks he’s a rocket scientist. Lighting Roman Candles doesn’t count as Rocket Science you smarmy piece of shit! What an annoying fuckstick. I swear to Christ if I ever met him in person I’d punch him so hard in his man-boobs he’d have cancer by nightfall.
I’m back. I had to take an extra blood pressure pill after discussing DuhVinciNoah.
Back to the barn raising. Wolverine gets a little greedy and wants to do all the construction so they can finish by nightfall. Let me get this straight… They’re going to build a barn… by nightfall. Okaaaayyyyyy. Good thing ParkSlop brought in a bunch of pre-cut lumber for the job! Oh well, I’m sure the Construction Crew will really build it for them when the camera’s aren’t looking.
After the commercial, the construction crew has been busy. The barn is now professionally framed, as opposed to being framed by three idiots that have no clue.
Cut to Scami and BullshitBilly trying to use DuhVinciNoah’s butter churn. They dump some of the cream from the cow. Wait… It’s a dry cow! How did they get mil… Never mind. It barely works and will be discarded as soon as the ParkSlop director yells, “CUT!”
This next part is so sickening. I literally had to throw up watching Scami and BullshitBilly churn the butter. It’s starts out innocent enough but then gets sickening beyond belief.
If you just listen to the audio, it sounds like you’re watching a bad porno on Cinemax at 3AM. I mean, I guess that’s what they sound like I’ve never seen one :). Here’s a transcript.
Scami: “You have cream ALL over you!”
BullshitBilly: “And I’m lovin’ every minute of it!”
Scami: “Do I have cream all over me?”
Those two spill more cream than Michael J. Fox making coffee!
Scami then starts to talk about how lucky she is that a lazy, horse stealing 26 year old grifter caught her eye when she was 15. She claims that when she first saw him walk into their house she thought, “Boy is he good looking!”
Good looking? Are you kidding? Here’s a picture of the dirtbag she thought was Soooooo attractive. Wow, Scami, I can see how you would have fallen for a catch like that!
Do fans of this shitshow realize that she was only 15? And he was 26? How come they never bring that up? All they talk about is what a great father and husband he is. He should be on Dateline’s To Catch A Predator, not fawned over by gullible fans!
Scami then gets a scary look in her eye. No, not her contorted-face eye, I mean like the kind of look the women in those Viagra commercials give the men. BAARRRRFFFF! Shit, sorry I did it again. She then looks wantingly at BullshitBilly and puts her hand on his shoulder. He gives her a look like h…. BAARRRRFFFF!
For Christ sake, ParkSlop, GO TO THE NEXT SCENE! Please! In the name of all things holy!
Ah, back to ExtremeBore and AcidRain. AcidRain makes a paint roller out of leaves and pine needles. Wait, I thought DuhVinciNoah was the inventor? Oh well. The two slap on the mixture of berries and are able to cover a small portion of ExtremeBore’s tree house. Wait… Won’t the berry smell attract bears? Shit, let’s hope so!
ExtremeBore claims it’s a ‘masterpiece’… of shit!
Back to Mutt and the multi-person film crew following him. He decides to fire a warning shot at the bear that’s supposedly following him. Wait, no he doesn’t. Yawn.
Back in Browntown, Wolverine is distraught because the construction crew didn’t get the barn finished. He decides to stay out all night and watch over Sabrina. BirdBrain comes out to sit with him. She brings some of the cream BullshitBilly and Scami ‘churned’ earlier and they eat it on some bread. He claims it’s so good it doesn’t taste like butter?!?!
Cut to Mutt. He makes camp and decides to hunker down for the night. He starts whining about how tough it is walking through the bu… Wait a minute! ParkSlop fucked up again. They got the headlights of their Jeep in the picture! Yep, Ol’ Mutt’s really roughing it out there with a fully mobile film crew.
He hangs the deer up and starts a fire using the fat from inside the deer as an accelerant. Ha ha ha HA HA HA ha.
In the short segment, AcidRain and ExtremeBore play some scripted bullshit game called ‘Kick The Bucket’. Wow, how original.
The next day, the barn-raising continues. BirdBrain stands on Wolverine’s shoulder. She asks him to scoot left. She clarifies by saying, “MY left.” Sadly, they’re the same thing since they are facing the same direction.
Finally, Mutt returns home. He talks about how proud he is that he followed the script and ‘hunted’ a deer and brought it back to provide for his useless chud parents.
To celebrate, they cook up the deer and have a bush feast! Wait a minute… How ‘bush’ is this feast when they have numerous WalMart sundries like French Fries, dinner rolls, and baked beans! Scami’s magic pantry bowl was sure working overtime! What a crock of bullshit.
That’s all I can stomach for now. Stay tuned next week for another turd-filled episode recap! Until then , let’s thank the construction crew for building the barn, the safety crew for watching out after Mutt and Sabrina, and the qualified boat captains that keep the SS Grifter from being scuttled!