Oh boy, another shit-tastic episode of Alaskan Bullshit People! I can’t wait to see what lethal weapon ExtremeBore aims at his face this week. I’m going to apologize in advance if this recap gets a little “Rated R for strong language.” I think it comes from watching two episodes three days apart.
I can’t fucking believe the bullshit that opens the show. Here we see Mutt and Wolverine stuffing bacon into shotgun shells! What? He claims they just want to scare the bears when they shoot at them. Why not just shoot in the air? Christ, the ek-shtreem stupidity of these incompetent assholes is unparalleled! Bacon in a fucking shotgun shell… Unfuckinbelievable.
Let’s hope the next segment is more sane, realistic, and… Nope not gonna happen. Right off the bat BullshitBilly espouses his massive amount of bush wisdom by telling us that he’s able to predict when winter is coming by the appearance of snow on the mountains! WOW! Move over Punxsutawney Phil, there’s a new prognosticator in town!
Cut to Scami. Uh-oh’s… Her garden is a complete failure. Did DuhVinciNoah build it? Everything’s dead, including her credibility as a gardener.
BullshitBilly whines and moans about the harsh winter and how it reminded him of the winter of ’95 when they had to burn siding off the ‘house’ to keep warm (or some bullshit like that). Read Georgie’s book review of One Scam At A Time for more info.
ExtremeBore tells us how he starts fires every morning. He shows why he is the envy of every six-year old that watches the show by rolling on the ground while running. Why is this necessary? He then pulls a Fonzi and jumps the campfire. I’m sure it took multiple tries for him to lift his 5-foot tall body and KISS boots over an open flame without incident.
BullshitBilly then lectures about how there are no grocery stores in the bush, which is probably why they don’t live there! At this point, do they really believe they are fooling anyone anymore with their bullshit about living and surviving winter in the bush?
Next, BullshitBilly lumbers his bulbous ass over to Mutt and Wolverine. They talk about how they miss Bum. BullshitBilly says… Get this, “… I wish we could pick up a cell phone and call.” He’s probably fielding other calls and won’t answer.
Back at the campfire, BullshitBilly and his chuds (hey, where’s Scami?) decide to divide the chores. And by divide I mean he just assigns work to the chuds while he hibernates.
They claim that the wind turbine is their number one priority because they definitely need it to survive the winter. Wait… How come you were supposedly able to survive the OTHER winters on the island without this groundbreaking project?
DuhVinciNoah tells daddy that he will definitely make it his number one priority! I guess that means he will have to temporarily suspend his main activities such as shopping at Hot-Topic, masturbating, cataloging his scab collection, and writing barely legible notes on scrap paper to his ‘girlfriend’.
He whines about his girlfriend while working on getting the turbine up to it’s final location. He tests it by strapping it to some 2×4’s. Wait for it… Here it comes… DuhVinciNoah’s smarmy, douchebag statement of the episode! “If I were Atlas, the world would be held!” Jesus Christ.
He blah’s blah blah’s all self-absorbed-ey and lectures us about how a wind turbine works. Did you know the wind makes it spin and it turns a generator and it makes ‘lectricity? I did too, but then again I actually made it past 6th grade. What a self-absorbed piece of shit.
Let’s check in on Mutt. He’s building a bar. No, wait… He’s building a ‘Meat Shed’. Why? For the hundredth time no one believes you asssholes live there so why do you think we’d believe you need to build a ‘Meat Shed’.
He tells us how he uses a jar with liquid to tell if things are level.
Wolverine and ExtremeBore head out to go hunting. They make more noise than a dump truck crashing through a window factory. Wait, did I just see ExtremeBore using a shovel as an oar? Somewhere in Browntown there’s an idiot trying to dig a hole with an oar! Wait, no there isn’t. There’s no one there.
ExtremeBore decides to go all Dio De Los Muertas with his ‘camo’ makeup.
After the break, ExtremeBore and Wolverine walk for quite a while pulling a canoe across the ground. They announce their presence loudly and then stand in full view scanning for a deer. Yeah, don’t hide beside something and try and conceal yourself.
Back in Browntown, DuhVinciNoah tells daddy that he’s done working on the turbine. I thought the people they got it from said it was already working? DuhVinciNoah tells him that he wants to bring his next victim… Sorry, girlfriend, to the island so Scami can badger her about grandbabies and BullshitBilly can put her to work!
Cut to Mutt who gives us tips on construction. He says he likes to lay out nails all over the place so that they’re always in reach. What happened to the other ‘root cellar’ (or ‘Bush Refrigerator’ as he called it)?
Uh Oh, DuhVinciNoah’s purse shows up. He escorts her around and shows her the shithouse where he lives while filming. Rhain (spelled differently, of course!) “Unibomber” Alicia does not look impressed.
She asks why Mutt built a tire house to which he explains, “Because his Saran-Wrap house burned down.” Wait… Oh! Of course! That’s the logical progression of house building. So, when did that happen?
Scami and BullshitBilly wait inside for DuhVinciNoah to bring in their next victim. BullshitBilly is playing with a ball of yarn that for some reason has a pistol laying next to it? I guess if she don’t make with the grandbabies there’s gonna be trouble!
This Rhain (spelled differently, of course!) broad has a shitload of issues. She answers their questions as if it were a job interview, giving the answers she thinks THEY want to hear. Y’know, ‘cuz the approval of a penniless grifter and his dead-behind-the-eyes contorted face wife means so much. Scami asks how she likes Browntown. Rhain (spelled differently, of course!) says she wants to wait until they are married before doing that.
Scami makes with the tough talk and tells her that most people that try and make it in Alaska run back home… Just like they do every winter! Scami can’t help herself and embarrasses her poor chud further by asking her about grandbabies. Not that DuhVinciNoah needs any help being embarrassed. Scami and BullshitBilly are elated to hear she likes kids, meaning they will soon have more people around to provide for them.
Back to ExtremeBore and Wolverine. Wouldn’t you know it! They see a deer! Oh boy this family sure is killing a lot of animals senselessly since they won’t be around in winter to eat them.
Now we get to listen to another self-absorbed Brownklown asshole tell us about how expert he is at hunting and he just knew his aim was perfect. Gimme a fucking break!
It’s well hidden behind a fallen tree and we see nothing of it being cleaned. Wolverine stands and throws the carcass over his shoulders. Strangely enough, there’s no guts or anything on the ground! C’Mon, ParkSlop, are you even trying anymore? Jesus Christ the bullshittery in your show has made you the laughing stock of the TV community. Even the producers of “Honey Boo-Boo” are laughing at you!
Back at Browntown, Mutt is finishing his ‘Meat Shed’. I wonder why Dumpbuddy Kenny isn’t helping? He builds a Rube Goldberg-ian device to open the doors.
Next, Birdbrain feeds her cow. No, not BullshitBilly, the OTHER cow! BirdBrain has a fever, and the only prescription is… Make a cowbell! That way they can find her if she gets loose in the next two weeks before she’s returned per their rental agreement.
Wolverine and ExtremeBore head back to the filming location with their ‘kill’. Thank God, too, because I hear the room service at the Bellagio in Vegas is terrible! They put it in Mutt’s unfinished ‘Meat Shed’. Sure, no bears will get in there!
Cut to DuhVinciNoah, Wolverine, and ExtremeBore as they act like they are really going to hook up and install a working turbine. DuhVinciNoah complains that it’s hard finding good minions. Yeah, like he’s so fucking smart that he’s above manual labor. What a fucking douche nozzle.
Mutt finishes his ‘Meat Shed’ and describes the workmanship to us. Yawn. He acts like he’s auditioning for This Old Shithouse.
Now for the good part! There’s sure to be a decapitation or limb removal! ExtremeBore and Wolverine try and figure out how to make a ladder for DuhVincviNoah to haul the wind turbine to the top of their teetering stand.
In the short segment, ExtremeBore climbs another tree. I’m sure the middle-aged house fraus that drool over this shitshow had their sweatpants around their ankles when they showed this man-child climb a tree. A FUCKING TREE!
He claims that the best way to avoid predators is to climb a tree. WTF?! Bears climb trees and will follow you up there if chasing you. For the last time, ParkSlop, please stop having these morons ‘teach‘ people about the bush because if people DO take their advice, they’re going to fucking DIE!
According to the Fish And Wildlife Service: A common misconception is that grizzly bears, unlike black bears, cannot climb trees. While its long claws make climbing more difficult for a grizzly than for a black bear, a grizzly can get to you in a tree – it will more likely, however, be able to reach you before you reach the tree.
Back to the Brownchuds trying to use ropes and pulleys to lift the wind turbine. Sadly, ExtremeBore hangs himself. Not really, but they do end up knocking it all over and it all falls into a junk pile, which now matches all the other junk piles on the island. Smarmy asshole DuhVinciNoah is mad and tells his dad that this is a perfect example of why people should listen to him. I wish one of his siblings would finally get enough of his smarmy bullshit and shove his top hat so far up his balloon knot he shits felt for a week!
Well, let’s leave it on a high note, a Brownklown total failure (again). Did anyone else have the feeling at the beginning of the season that this whole wind turbine thing would just be a horrible failure? Oh well, I’m sure the construction crew will build one for them and with some quick editing it will look like the Brownchuds are mildly competent.
See ya next week for another embarrassing episode of Alaskan Bullshit People!