In the opening sequence, BirdBrain walks over to see Mutt and the massive amount of meat he supposedly has in his bullshit meat locker. We never see inside, but magically he pulls out exactly what BirdBrain wanted, some ribs… with sugar. Since we never see the inside I think that scene may have been altered a little.
Next, Wolverine, BirdBrain, and AcidRain act like they give two shits about the rented cow they have to take care of during the time of it’s lease. They decide to see which one Sabrina likes best by going to alternate corners and calling her. This goes on a lot longer than needed. She finally goes to AcidRain.
In a parting shot, Sabrina gives us her thoughts on living in Browntown. Just like Punxsutawney Phil, Chichigoff Billy is right there to prognosticate the weather based on his expert bush knowledge.
Next we see a rehash of the mishap that doomed the wind turbine. DuhVinciNoah lashes out at his equally dull-witted siblings and hauls what’s left of the turbine to his Tent Of Horrors!
He tells BullshitBilly the bad news… That the turbine is busted and they will have to now spend the winter in Colorado, Las Vegas, Seattle, and other warmer locations.
The smarmy, self-absorbed piece of shit then explains what exactly is wrong with the turbine. BullshitBilly asks if he can fix it, to which DuhVinciNoah explains, “Fix it-ahhhhh? Are you fucking kidding me-ahhhhhhh? I can barely stay inside the lines of my Flintstones coloring book let alone fix a complex piece of machinery.” I was paraphrasing a little bit there but you get the idea.
BullshitBilly gets all ‘woe-is-me’ again as he complains that they are really in a scramble to prepare for winter! It’s right around the corner ‘cuz he see’s snow on the mountains! It’s all good, they won’t be anywhere near the filming location when winter finally arrives.
He whines and cries about how disappointed he is that the family might not be as prepared as he hoped they would be for winter.
Cut to the fam… WhatTheFuck is ExtremeBore wearing? A sleeveless fur jacket? Good God that poor dumb bastard has gone completely off the rails. Now he think’s he’s part of a 70’s soft rock duo!
BullshitBilly instructs his chuds to build a new set of three posts for their wind turbine. He tells them to dig three holes about six feet deep so they can fill them with concrete. After giving his orders, he disappears to take his post-breakfast pre-lunch coma-nap.
Wolverine, ExtremeBore, AcidRain, and BirdBrain start digging. ExtremeBore of course hams it up for camera time by digging like a rabid dog. Then they bring over the cement and place a bag in the wheelbarrow. ExtremeBore begins punching it like a child and only succeeds in breaking the back-end of the bag, spilling the contents onto the ground. Even Mr. Crapcake is looking at him like he’s a psycho.
Back to BullshitBilly who is with his equally worthless chud, DuhVinciNoah. Wouldn’t you know it… BullshitBilly knows a guy that he hasn’t scammed before that is really hard to get a hold of and yet he just so happens to get in touch with him just as camera’s are following! WOW! The luck. The timing. It’s almost as if this shit is scripted!
The future victim tells BullshitBilly that he has a turbine (WOW, another stroke of luck) but he wants 5,000 board feet of milled lumber. BullshitBilly accepts, knowing full well he’ll never even come close and might be able to scam away with a free turbine.
Back at the filming location, AcidRain takes BullshitBilly to a beaver dam that has her concerned about bears. He espouses bush bullshit and the scene goes nowhere.
After the break, Oh-No’s! What’s this ? A bear got into Mutt’s meat locker? How can that have happened with a secure bed spring for a door! Christ you would think that living in the bush for thirty years you would know how to fuk’n bear proof a goddamn shed!
Sorry, back to the campfire (sans Scami). Wait, what the fuck is ExtremeBore wearing now? White cammo pants. In the bush? C’mon ParkSlop, at least get these phony assholes a wardrobe commensurate with their situation. I mean, really, white cammo pants? Leather jackets in the rain?
BullshitBilly again whines and moans about how they have no food and once again they must go out and get food for him while he sits on his lazy ass. Good thing his friends have connections in the travel industry to get him away from this God-forsaken place!
This time he assigns the task to ExteremeBore and BirdBrain. He then tells the remaining chuds that they need to make a shitload of wood using Mutt’s decapitation machine to make the 5,000 board feet of lumber required for this bullshit barter.
Wolverine starts cutting trees, ExtremeBore rolls around on the ground, scraping his ass in the dirt trying to get rid of a stinging-ring, and BullshitBilly stands around and points.
Mutt goes to visit Dumpbuddy ‘Brak’ Kenny in hopes that he can find a freezer to replace his tragic attempt at a meat locker. Wouldn’t you know it, there’s a freezer that he can have! Mutt explains that even without plugging it in, it’s like a cooler!
Kenny then tells the harrowing tale of a local who went out hunting and a bear attacked him and was going to rip off his face when another guy that was with him shot the bear! It was a scary story.
Cut to ExtremeBore and his Dio de Los Muerta cammo makeup. He and BirdBrain are hunting. Man, the Brownklownz are sure scoring this year with their bush hunting skills. Deer after deer have fallen to their hunting expertise… Although we haven’t seen the deer and a Brownklown in the same shot while supposedly shooting it, but hey just buy into the bullshit.
Once again we’re treated to Zapruder-esque footage of quick cutaway’s and out of focus shots, all leading to Birdbrain pulling the trigger and ExtremeBore announcing, “Got it!”
ParkSlop isn’t even trying to pretend the deer was really shot by these two idiots. ExtremeBore sticks his hands up the deer’s ass for some reason. Just as quick as they shoot it he throws it over his shoulders and away they go. Yep, another deer for these professional ‘bush’ people so they can survive the winter. Yawn.
Next is something really sad. DuhVinciNoah takes his beard on a canoe trip, paddling with a Goddamn shovel, to have a secluded picnic. Of course, when on the water it’s best to wear your finest Hot-Topic leather pants!
They spread out a tarp and sit. He explains he brought something that isn’t very hard to find in the bush… Orange Soda! Wow, what a catch! He explains that for life, all you need is wood, water, and meat-ahhhhhhh. Well, in his case, he also needs someone to do all the friggin’ work for him since he hasn’t lifted a finger in four fucking seasons! Like father, like chud I guess.
As quickly as it starts, it’s over. Thank Christ! If I had to watch another minute of the Pillsbury Dough Boy woo the Unabomber I’d poke my eyes out!
Back at the filming location, Mutt and Brak Kenny deliver the freezer and place it on the porch. ExtremeBore gets some ek-shtreem ice. Guess how he breaks up the ice? He punches it! What a one trick pony. Oh, and he’s wearing his Michael Jackson Thriller leather jacket… In the bush! If this were a drinking game by spotting the bullshit I’d be at Ted Kennedy levels by now!
Cut to Wolverine and BirdBrain milking Sabrina. They complain that she isn’t producing enough milk. They wonder why. I guess the person they rented it from didn’t fill them in on her situation before the production crew took possession.
BirdBrain says it’s weird because she’s been feeding her a bunch of hay. Speaking of that, where the fuck are they getting all this hay? Was it somehow delivered in some unseen bullshit-barter?
BullshitBilly flies in a vet, and Scami, for a short plot point explaining why the cow don’t work no more. More ‘woe-is-me’ fodder for BullshitBilly to piss and moan about.
Before the vet gets there, let’s cut to Wolverine and Mutt who are working on cutting a massive amount of wood for their barter exchange for a wind turbine. Y’know, so they can survive the winter (wink wink). Take note of the kinds of boards they are cutting, especially the edge. In a cut-scene for next week’s episode, the boards certainly look a lot different than those supplied by Mutt’s decapitation machine.
After the break, DuhVinciNoah builds yet another bear deterrent that’s sure to fail. What happened to the dozen other bear deterrent systems this genius ‘invented’? Oh right, they all failed miserably because he’s a fucking moron!
He gets ExtremeBore to test it. It doesn’t work. Plus, he hooked it up to a battery, which will last about half a night.
Back at the filming location, the vet informs BullshitBilly and Scami that she wants to check if the cow is pregnant. She says the cow needs to get pregnant in order to produce more milk. No, not Scami (badum-tish). What a perfect, scripted excuse as to why they have to give the cow back to the guy they rented it from!
Back to Wolverine and Mutt cutting wood. Wouldn’t you know it, it also breaks! Did DuhVinciNoah build it? They have a difficult decision to make: Refill the gas tank with gas from their bush-living generator, or not be able to fulfill their barter, thus requiring donations from the housebound, middle-aged androgynous house-frau’s that believe this family is in any way fucking real!
In the short segment we get another bullshit cooking lesson from Scami, who hasn’t been seen cooking a meal on this shitshow since the pilot episode. But hey, she’s the Martha Stewart of the bush, remember? This time she’s making jerky out the deer meat the family has been bringing home like clockwork!
If you have access to this scene, watch it closely, You never see Scami and her daughters in the same camera shot. What the hell is going on with Scami? She’s been AWOL from the last few episodes except a couple of quick, short segments that seem out of place with what else is supposedly going on. Did she leave early for Seattle or Colorado?
Scami explains they like passing down what they’ve learned to their chuds. Does this include their nefarious activities as well as bush-jerky? By the way, ‘Bush-Jerky’ is the nickname ParkSlop uses when referring to ExtremeBore.
In the final segment, we see BullshitBilly and Scami deciding to send Sabrina to town to mate with a bull. Where’d they barter this new boat from? In preparation for the final ‘family future on the line, Browntown at stake’ season (and hopefully series) finale, they have an out in case Sabrina’s contract isn’t renewed.
It wouldn’t be an episode recap without ExtremeBore finding some way to blow his friggin’ head off. I was a little scared that there wouldn’t be one but ParkSlop did not disappoint. ExtremeBore is sent to the SS Grifter to siphon some fuel. It ends terribly.
Back to Wolverine and Mutt cutting wood. It’s appropriate since at this point in the episode I was also sawing wood.
That’s it for this week! see ya next week for a super-sized season finale episode recap of Alaskan Bullshit People!