Well, here we are. The latest season of the shitshow known as Alaskan Bullshit People has come to an end. This season set the bar pretty high when it comes to bullshit, so if there is a next season they’re really going to have outdo the lies and untruths in order to break this season’s record.
On to the review. First, Mutt shows us how to establish dominance over a bear. It seems to just involve walking around their general vicinity with a gun. Mutt waves at the bear in an attempt to show his dominance.
This season’s main piece of script fodder was the building of the all important, family future on the line, winter is coming, need it to survive wind turbine. Funny how they supposedly lived ‘wild’ for the last thirty years but now a wind turbine is essential for their survival? Sure it is.
It wouldn’t be a Railing Kill recap without highlighting just how shit-stupid ExtremeBore is and how dangerous some of his stunts are. Case in point, sticking your face into a fire to help get going.
Mutt visits ExtremeBore and they decide to go have a look at the bear he saw earlier. Y’know… to make sure it’s not a threat to the filming location when they aren’t there nine months out of the year.
Why is ExtremeBore still wearing that God-awful fur jacket? Oh right, he’s shitsall retarded. They seem to be tracking a bear, but as usual we never see them and the bear in the same shot.
For the next five minutes we’re bored to tears as we see flashbacks of Brownklown failures that have led them to this ‘woe-is-me’ place. Mutt tells BullshitBilly that there is no way he will be able to make enough wood to fulfill their barter deal for a working wind turbine. BullshitBilly seems unaffected by the news. I’m guessing because fulfilling the barter never crossed his mind. Judging by stories from people they’ve fucked over before, he never lost any sleep worrying about not fulfilling a barter.
Back to ExtremeBore. He decides that he’s going to contribute something ekshtreem to the wind turbine project. He’s going to paint the plywood tail for the turbine. Yeah, winter is coming and all you’re doing to prepare is painting a piece of plywood with flames. Christ.
After he draws his ekshtreem design he starts to paint it. He claims they have no paintbrush so he has to use a squirrel tail. I guess he got that idea from an episode of the Flintstones? I see a lot of cans of Behr paint, so why is it that you can afford gallons and gallons of premium paint but you couldn’t afford the $1.99 for a goddamn paintbrush?
Apparently he couldn’t afford a pen or a Sharpie either because he has to draw the outline with a burnt ember from his ekshtreem fire. How can the cameraman keep a straight face while filming this idiot? He’s in his mid fuk’n twenties and he acts like a six year old! Wait, that’s kinda mean… TO SIX YEAR OLDS!
Next DuhVinciNoah takes a ninety-minute boat ride to visit his beard because she has some important news for him. Oh boy, what could it be! Wait a minute… What the fuck is he wearing? He looks like a gay pirate. Doesn’t Hot Topic sell any clothes that are actually useful in the bush? They both looked like they just walked out of a Seattle shopping mall. Crisp, clean, new clothes. Wow, washing his clothes in a cold stream with rocks does wonders!
She tells him that the job market in Hoonah is bad and she doesn’t have a place to live. He claims he knows people in town that might give her a job or he might be able to get her some work on a fishing boat. Not ONCE does he mention getting a fucking job and helping out! Why not be a MAN for once in your smarmy, androgynous, self-absorbed, pathetic life and take care of someone else? Isn’t that what a good potential husband would do? But no, DuhVinciNoah can’t take time from his electric moss experiments and get a job. That’s asking WAY too much. She has to get a job doing manual labor so he doesn’t have to. He is such a piece of shit.
On the beach, various Brownklownz await the arrival of their next victim. They worry about not having enough wood to complete the barter. BullshitBilly sends DuhVinciNoah on board his boat to inspect the parts. He thinks all the parts are there, but a deckhand tells him he’s actually looking at the bilge pump.
By the way, doesn’t that wood look a hell of a lot different than the lumber they showed Mutt and Wolverine cutting? It’s almost like it’s prop wood brought in from the Hoonah Home Depot.
The man tells BullshitBilly that he can’t part with the machine for this paltry amount of wood. This infuriates BullshitBilly! How dare someone screw him in a barter before he can screw them! The nerve of some people.
Thankfully, Mutt donates his red cedar that he and Bum somehow got while in town in some unseen footage bullshit. They make the ‘deal’ and unload the parts to build the turbine. The chuds then load the wood on to the victim’s boat.
Oh, and what is that mystery structure in the background? It’s like ParkSlop has cordoned off something that they don’t want viewers to see. Could it be that someone else is doing the pre-work on their wind turbine structure? More on that in a minute.
Back to ExtremeBore and his massive waste of time contribution to the all important, future at stake wind turbine. He doesn’t bring tools to attach his painted plywood tail to the device so he has to improvise with his hands and chin. Wait, chin? He looks like he’s getting ready for Muslim prayer.
He tells us that to him, freedom means being able to start a fire wherever he wants. Someone please get this man-child some help. He says that’s the only way he wants to live and represents everything he works for. Well, he ain’t got a job so… I guess he ain’t workin’ that hard on it. Let’s hope Seattle, Colorado, and Las Vegas have laws that will let nature boy start fires wherever he wants.
Cut to Mutt and Duh… What the fuck is he wearing now? SPURS! On his tennis shoes! Are you kidding me. All of these supposed twenty-something men seem to operate at a third grade level.
DuhVinciNoah tells Mutt that he’s lonely. Mutt agrees and say’s he’s lonely too. I guess that whole matchmaker thing didn’t work out?
After the break, the chuds are working on securing anchor points and reminisce about how much they miss Bum.
Now for the smarmy douche DuhVinciNoah segment of the show. He’s assembling the pre-cut, pre-made parts to make the innards of the turbine. He claims that, “…Of everything I’ve made, this serves the greatest purpose.” You didn’t make it you delusional tit, you assembled it like a model kit!
For some reason they decide to work through the night to prepare for raising the all important, life on the line, future at stake wind turbine. I think they did this at night so they could hide the fact they aren’t really doing anything, all the prep work was done by the construction crew behind that mystery enclosure we saw on the beach earlier.
Cut to Scami and BullshitBilly as they sit in the dark because they have no fuel for their generator. Maybe if DuhVinciNoah didn’t use all the fuel going to meet his beard in Hoonah they would have enough to illuminate their home one more night! Oh the horrors of living off the grid and wild with no generator. What a great bush existence!
They reminisce about the the number of shit-shacks and tents they lived in and raised a family in since moving to Alaska. What a failure in life these two sad-sacks have been. He’s in his sixties and she’s in her fifties and they have never been able to provide a stable, safe, comfortable home for their kids. They’ve always been broke and scammin’ their way through life. What a pathetic, meaningless existence. But hey, they wouldn’t trade it for the world!
Back to the night crew working on getting things ready for the big install. What’s this? Uh-oh’s, it looks like the bear is back! Maybe? Wait, I think ParkSlop is trying to imply a bear is around by quick-cutting to night vision shots of a bear somewhere, then action shots of the chuds acting like they are in any way remotely in danger. My GOD the tension!
The next morning, DuhVinciNoah and BirdBrain put the prop blades on the mounting plate. He explains how screws go through holes and attach things. They have a competition putting the nuts on the screws. DuhVinciNoah wins as he’s had a lot of practice fingering his nuts. He asks BridBrain how she’d feel if his girlfriend Rhain (spelled differently, of course) joined them in Las Vegas… I mean the bush.
Now for the big season finale moment! The great monument raising of this future on the line, family may not make it, winter is coming necessity! Good thing for them everything is all set up and ready to go! Guess working the night shift paid off… And having a construction crew at your disposal.
BullshitBilly lectures his chuds on safety, telling them that, “… since you were three years old I’ve been telling you, don’t get beneath the thing.” WTF? Since they were three he’s been telling them not to be under the wind turbine when they lift it? What a bunch of bullshit you useless manatee!
As they begin hoisting it, DuhVinciNoah exclaims, “Avante!” He and his useless parents stand there with their hands in their pockets and bark orders at the other chuds. BullshitBilly tells us how bad this could be and it’s their only chance.
In the short segment, BirdBrain and AcidRain rub gasoline and oil onto the turbine blades in order to make them last longer. It goes nowhere.
Back to the historic occasion of raising the wind turbine at the filming location. Quick cutaway shots and shouts from various Brownklownz try and convey a sense of danger, but fail miserably. Finally, the wind turbine is in place, in an area where there is no wind. But wait, there’s a handy breeze coming shortly!
The Brownklownz get all self-congratulatory and act like they’ve accomplished something. One thing I noticed… Where are the wires? If this thing starts generating electricity, where are the wires leading to the ground? I guess the construction team will install those in the off-season.
Nothing else surrounding the turbine has any wind touching it at all, but somehow there’s a shitload of wind hitting that turbine ‘cuz it’s running like a raped ape! Now DuhVinciNoah can do TWO electric moss experiments at a time!
They drone on about how this will secure Browntown’s future. Well, until the land owner kicks you out and reclaims the filming location. Do they really think they are going to live out there long term outside of filming this shitshow? How sad.
Well, that’s it. Another season another boatload of bullshit from America’s favorite grifting phonies, Alaskan Bullshit People!
Oh, let’s make sure and thank the people that actually do the things this phony bullshit family claims to do: