Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E01 Faith And Family

Billy Brown's Rolex

Allow me to take a moment before we start the review. Cancer is serious and we would never wish it or the suffering it brings upon anyone. We realize that there is still a serious situation going on in the background. Reports are that Ami has stage 4 lung cancer. Very bad news indeed and we truly hope she is able to beat this.

Well, last week’s “Season Premier” turned out to be a complete turd, but have no fear because this week’s episode was… Well, also a turd. It prodded along at a snail’s pace and featured about as much bush as a Brazilian wax job.

The episode started by laying out some information to the viewers so they know what’s going on. Y’know, cuz ParkSlop has been SOOOooo honest and forthright about the show since it’s inception. Anyhoo, this bunch of bullshit was supposed to have started 9 weeks ago. Let’s just go with that and not ask too many questions.

In Browntown, the most useless of the chuds is supposedly left behind to look after the place. So… I guess all those shots of you and Rhain (spelled differently of course) at the Extended Stay were Photoshopped forgeries? Of course not, the only forgery is Asa (the narrator) telling us that you are in Browntown alone guarding it full time while the others are in Kaliforny. Who was watching Browntown while you guys were in Vegas?

Despite the bullshit, NoDuh walks around with his pistol acting like he’s in the old west searching for bears. We see some action shots of NoDuh The Kid apparently facing off with a bear. But, as usual, we never see him and the supposed ‘bear’ in the same shot, despite the footage of the bear being very clear and close up.

He continues to walk around the junkyard searching for bears with his pistol drawn. What a MAN! So confident and st… WHAT THE FUCK IS HE WEARING? Spurs? Good Lord man, didn’t you learn anything from last season? Spurs on your tennis shoes makes you look even more like you should be wearing a helmet full time and riding a short bus. Combine that with your cute leather outfit and you’ve gone full potato!

Let’s check out the rest of his Hot-Topic ensemble. Leather pants… CHECK. Leather jacket… CHECK. Spurs… CHECK. Yep, those are by far the ideal clothes for someone that lives in the bush full time, not at an Extended Stay in Hoonah.

Cut to see Bore doing something “Ek-Shtreem!” The poor dumb bastard stacks lawn furniture and sticks a hose under it to make a bush fountain. AcidRain decides to lick water off the tetanus inducing structure to show just how off-the-grid she is. So…. She claimed last season that big city tap water was so disgusting she couldn’t drink it, but can lick up drops of hose water from rusty patio furniture?

Wait, Here’s a question… Where did the Brownklownz get that house? Are they homesteading there? Although they’re not really homesteading anywhere because Browntown is a fantasy land built by a Ketchikan construction company on land that is leased for filming from a REAL Alaskan.

Despite being out fo the bush and in Kaliforny, BullshitBilly feels right at home by doing nothing but laying on the bed with Scami. Which one is bedridden? It’s hard to tell because his carcass is on the bed right along with her the whole time.

While BullshitBilly waxes lovingly (like he gives a shit about someone besides himself READ HIS BOOK), take a look at his wrist. Mighty nice bush Rolex ya got there! You can’t miss it because I think he must have a rider in his contract this season that states his shiny Rolex must appear on camera at least 8 times per episode. I wonder what he looks like all dolled up in his Canadian Tuxedo wearing his shiny watch and riding his Harley(s) down the street. Don’t let the fans see you! They might start to question your bullshit TV lifestyle. For the sake of this review, let’s keep the illusion that they are poor, self-sufficient, living off the land kind of people so that the superfans don’t get all butt-hurt.

Scami has to go to the hospital to get tests done to determine what’s going on with her health. Various chuds of theirs appear on camera talking about how much they love their mom and all the things she taught them like how to make dog-hair bracelets, draw molecular structures using rocks and twigs, and falsifying PFD fund forms.

Now it’s back to NoDuh. I can’t believe ParkSlop is still going with the story-line that these idiots actually was their clothes in the friggin’ creek! Are you kidding me? He says he only has two shirts so he has to lumber his awkward frame down to the creek frequently to keep clothes clean. Gee, do you also wash your pretty little leather outfits in the creek too? Of course not, it’s all bullshit.

Back to Bilky and the love of his life… His Rolex. There it is again close-up on camera. He and Scami talk and reminisce. It’s actually one of the the more honest segments of the show.

Back to NoDuh spending a few hours filming in Browntown but telling us he’s stranded there for months looking after the place full time. He misses his beard so much he wants to make her a present. He finds a clam shell and puts hinges on it. He says he wishes he could give it to her right away… Which shouldn’t be a problem because she’s waiting for you to return that night from filming inside the Extended Stay in Hoonah, so… You’ll hand it to her real soon.

They reminisce about their dates last season. It’s very disturbing watching this doughy blob slobber all over Rhain (spelled differently of course).

Back to the Brownklownz chillin’ in their Kaliforny home. Wait… What’s this? Here comes Bill and Margaret! Y’know.. their lifelong friends and Discoverup paycheck leeches that fawn over BullshitBilly and Scami so they can get their screen time.

Listening to that delusional old bat talk about how much she respects and admires Scami and BullshitBilly is enough to make even the most ardent fan throw up a little in their mouth. Pardon my French, but what the fuck is there to respect or admire about a family of unemployed bums that do nothing but grift from state to state, raise their kids to be uneducated and dependent on them, and whine about how they have nothing yet don’t get off their ass to do anything to make their situation better? Oh wait, NoDuh made electric moss and Bore painted flames on the wind turbine. Those things are sure to make their lives better!

Speaking of the wind turbine, did you notice that when they were showing action aerial shots of NoDuh lumbering his bulbous, androgynous ass around Browntown the thing wasn’t working (the wind turbine, not NoDuh… Wait, yes, I also mean NoDuh)? Another useless piece of shit left littering the landscape (the wind turbine, not NoDuh… Wait, sorry, once again I also mean NoDuh).

It’s obvious from the shots that the wind turbine ‘built’ last season was scrapped and replaced with a shitty useless prop (the wind turbine, not NoDuh… Wait, I also mean NoDuh again).

Back to the Brownklownz. Finally the day arrives for Scami’s test. They are escorted into the hospital and sit at the admissions desk. BullshitBilly wonders how many salmon he will have to barter for the medical treatment.

Back in Browntown, NoDuh starts cleaning the shell he found to give as a gift to Rhain (spelled differently of course). I think he got the idea for the gift while watching a re-run of The Flintstones back at the Extended Stay in Hoonah. He cleans it with someone’s toothbrush. He doesn’t care who because he’s a self absorbed ass.

Back to Kaliforny… They get to the hospital and surround her in the bed while she is being prepped. Scami asks the doctor if BullshitBilly’s face can be the last thing she sees before going under and the first thing she sees when she wakes up. He thinks she means the face of his watch. She also asks him to be with her full time afterwards. Well, of course he’ll be there. It’s not like he has a job or is a productive member of society with responsibilities!

The chuds wait outside while the procedure is going on. Let’s take a moment and talk about AcidRain’s new haircut and wardrobe. I believe that hairstyle is called “Can I speak with the manager?” In that get-up she looks like she’s wearing clothes that are made from pieces of lesser clothing. Maybe the family is dressing her in more provocative clothes to prepare her for marriage. After all, she’s all but 15 which means she can be just like mom and start looking for a 26 year old bum to marry! Great family values on display there, eh? Maybe AcidRain is gearing up for her new clothing line The Trailer Park Hooker Collection.

After the break they go back into the hospital to get the results of retrieving the biopsy sample from the doctor. He shows them where they took the sample and what needs to be done now so that they can determine if she does have cancer and / or how bad it is and treatment options.

Let’s get back to the other Brownklownz and hope they are more sane and believable. Nope, ain’t gonna happen. Mutt (who looks like 5 miles of bad road) talks about how BirdBrain will have to take over mom’s role if something does happen. That means the poor girl is going to have to wait on BullshitBilly 24/7 and provide for him for the rest of his life. Poor girl. She is actually one of the more likable ones on the show and deserves better than this shitshow of a father.

Since the test results won’t be in for a week, the Brownklownz return to some unexplained house they are magically staying at. Scami heads to bed (as she should since she’s the sick one), and there’s BullshitBilly right behind her plopping his unproductive flesh right beside her. They start to talk to the chuds about what’s going on and ho… There’s that fuckin’ Rolex again! Damn BullshitBilly, does the watch get residuals and it’s own trailer? Are you trying to pitch a spin-off show (The Courtship Of Billy’s Rolex)?

I think his latest accessory speaks volumes as to what kind of a piece of shit human being BullshitBilly is. He has money for Harley’s and Rolex’s but his kids still have Sum’r teeth (Sum’r here sum’r over there). I wonder what BirdBrain thinks of daddy’s shiny new expensive accessories and she’s still the family can opener.

Mutt wants to make a bow and arrow to hunt squirrels. Really? It fails miserably and I’m sure it’s now littering the once pristine land of their rented house in kaliforny, much like they’ve ruined the once pristine Alaskan land with their untidy ways.

Next NoDuh decides to put up his failed electric fence to keep the bears out of the filming location or else they may not get their security deposit back on the rented land. He reminisces about Bore testing the fence and how cool it was to trick his challenged brother into electrocuting himself. Oh, NoDuh… You scamp! He explains that he is not with his mother during her time of need because he is always with his mom? WTF? Like in some existential way or…? What does that even mean?

When the family returns from the hospital, Bore makes mom some orange juice which he unsanitarily squeezed himself with his filthy Carny hands. AcidRain gives her a card that looks like it was made in kindergarten. Another example of great homeschooling.

Back to the last few minutes of the show which tell us nothing. It’s mostly a preview of the Brownklownz returning to the ‘home’ and announce the test results are “not good.” We then see the same crap we saw last week where Mutt is being loaded into an ambulance because he done blowed off his head or something. I think the season finale will be a telethon to raise money for this poor family that is the perpetual victim of “Brown Luck.” Call 1-800-BULLSHIT now to make your donation!

I guess thing’s aren’t that bad since the family is now headed to Colorado and have stopped for a couple of days (at least) in Arizona to pose with idiots in WalMart that believe the family really does miss the bush.

By the way, did you notice Bum was absent from this episode. I guess Allison keeps him on a short leash and thinks it’s more important for him to attend feminist rallies and take brooding black-and-white pictures to sell online rather than waste time with his mother who is going through a difficult time in her life.

Until next week, kids, it’s time to wrap up another exciting episode recap of our favorite bullshit show. Same CRAP time, Same CRAP channel!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

16 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E01 Faith And Family

  1. “Mighty nice bush Rolex ya got there!”

    Wow Beavis, I noticed that too, but since I have no clue what a $10,000 wristwatch looks like, I didn’t want to say anything… What a boxcar full of shit this show is… haha … What is next ? 100″ TV in the Brown town shack ? Noah wearing Gucci vests ? Lear jets to take them to the filming location ? What is the production crew smoking and where can I get some…

    Poor Ami… nuff said…

    Great review, this season ought to be remarkable for the sheer unbelievably of the premise that they are Alaskan Bush People… Noah and the gun photos are priceless, were you wishing a bear was getting ready to strike as he opened door after door like I was ??? Seeing him piss his leathers would be classic, as runs for his silly life all the way back to Hoonah… Of course it would never happen with the toothless, clawless, tame, pet bears that they use for filming. I am sure that they are fed Purina Bear Chow and released back on the trainer’s pasture till next time…

    Thanks for the excellent recap !

    1. Every time they go with the “bear in camp” story I laugh. Park Slop pulls out film-school 101 editing techniques to make you THINK the bear and him are right next to each other but I would bet the farm they were filmed weeks apart or taken from stock footage.

      Thanks for the comments!

    2. for people with no job or income how are they affording to live in that house in southern california, who owns the house, who would rent to them, and how is the house filled with so much junk and garbage????? where did all the stuff inside come from I see Ami in bed with a vera bradley laptop bag sitting next to her I see a brand new expensive guitar being played by and for people who claim to not know the comforts of the lower 48 then why did Ami get a professional manicure ie black/white polish with art designs…??? I am sure the house has a kitchen so why make lemon orange juice in the dirt in the backyard….Unless they own that house, there is no good reason for them to have traveled to Southern California, as the last time I was in Washington they have Dr’s/hospitals that can perform bronchoscopy with a biopsy

      1. after reading this someone needs to contact DMV how and why is bullshitbilly allowed to be issued a license to drive a harley with his life threatening seizures

        1. Good call. I forgot his ‘seizure’ problem that supposedly existed a couple seasons ago. Didn’t stop him from getting an RV and driving to Kaliforny a couple seasons ago too 🙂

  2. Shame on Discovery! They have a chance to do something honest and helpful, with Ami apparently stricken with lung cancer. Is she a cigarette smoker, or one of them Alaskan Bush potheads? If not, did she get cancer from Billy’s second hand smoke? (take note of his tobacco stained moustache) How did Billy get his cigarettes, since we are told, again and again, how they often went months withiout seeing anyone else? What did he barter for cigarettes? His daughters?
    Why did Noah have to stay back at Browntown? What is there to protect? No cow – the rental agreement expired, no garden, no chickens, no cats, no Cupake. (Why drag that dog along to UCLA? And why go all the way to UCLA from Alaska? No hospitals in between?)
    Noah snidely remarked that he was the best family member to watch over Browntown. How is he doing that? Waddling his increasingly morbidly obese body around the litter- strewn landscape, , spurs jingling. (He and Bird, given the trajectory of their weight gains, might get hired to appear in “my 600 pound life.)Why isn’t Rhainn aka Ruth with Noah?
    Billy told us that they had been at UCLA for 5 days, having left Noah behind at Browntown, but Noah told us he hasn’t seen the rest of his family ‘for months’. Don’t the Park Slope people even care any more about script continuity?
    Why did Park Slope drag out the Texas hillbilly couple to California? Are they that desperate for something to write about?
    And, how did the ambulance manage to get to Browntown to pick up Matt? Was he cooking meth? There are no roads to Browntown, we are told, over and over again. And who is stupid enough to put black powder next to cannon fuses? And who believes his story?
    This recent show had about 10 minutes of contemporaneously shot tape, with the rest of the show a series of flahbacks.
    Finally, do those UCLA physicians realize that they have been sucked into the Brownclown scammer vortex, forever to be mocked? And – five working days to get a pathology report? They are not a ‘doc in a box’ they are a world class medical facility.
    I just have to say that when it appears that Park Slope and Discovery have done the lousiest thing possible, they prove me wrong.

    1. Ah yes lakerman1, many many unanswered questions here…

      “Finally, do those UCLA physicians realize that they have been sucked into the Brownclown scammer vortex, forever to be mocked?”

      I for one cannot honestly believe that a professional doctor, worth his salt, would agree to be filmed treating a patient for a reality show. Especially a cancer patient (or someone testing for cancer). Maybe, just maybe, for educational purposes and training, but for ABP ???

      My guess is the doctor we see is a paid extra, and filming on a sound stage to look like a hospital. I may be wrong, but seems kinda, well, just wrong…

      “no garden, no chickens, no cats, no Cupcake.”

      And we did see a cat in Browntown while Noah was playing Marshall Dillon… Just to be clear… haha

  3. Beavis, in the Brownclown universe, time seems to be variable. It is 20 miles from Browntown to Hoonah, and the voice of doom has told us that, with the clowns in the skiff, it takes 30 minutes, or 60 minutes, or 90 minutes, depending on the episode. We were also told that the two Hoonah girls canoed from Hoonah to Browntown and back, remember?
    Distance is also variable, with treks by Matt the possible Methhead going on hunting trips where the distance traveled changes in mid-episode desctiption. Perhaps Asa is a time traveler.
    I missed the feral cat in this episode, though – my bad.

    1. Lakerman Another good catch! Now that you mention it they really do have some time inconsistencies. Maybe NoDuh invented a portal or something. 🙂

    2. About 34 minutes into the program, a black cat is shown (presumably in Browntown, at least I think that is what we are expected to believe) while Noah is scoping out the CG bears… the cat then dashes off out of camera range. Just a few seconds long, easy to miss.

  4. Over at ABP Exposed, there is a photo of Ami in a wheelchair at the hospital, and she has a pacck of Marlboros on her lap. That answers my question about how she developed lung cancer.

  5. A couple of my pet peeves are the fact that:

    EVERY SINGLE TIME they need something, anything, for a stupid project, you can bet your ass, someone close somewhere just so happens to have a spare. Usually for free.

    How they can wax on and on (with a straight face no less!) about not wanting anything to do with the outside world, yet I am convinced, not a single episode goes by, without one or all of them going to town.

    They allegedly have spent more than a season (deep!) in the bush, but you wouldn’t know it. Every winter surprises them, they are always behind making bush spas or whatever.

    The whole relocation thing.
    They had a cabin, but it was at the wrong place, so the government burned it down, while they were out.
    Try reading that again, and think about how fucking stupid that sounds.
    So the government agents or whatever was just hidden in the bushes, waiting for the opportune time to run up, torch the cabin and scurry off while cackling with laughter.
    Then when they reported back to their boss it would sound like:
    “mission accomplished sir!”

    “Did you torch the house of that collection of inbred mutants called the Browns?”

    “Sir, yes sir!”

    Leans back and says
    “and that’s the end of that chapter. Now THATS how you get rid of no goodnecks putting up houses everywhere.” ? ?

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