Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E02 The Long Road

Let the bullshit countdown begin! Let’s see if the show can go more than 10 seconds without spouting the first bit of bullsh… And there it is! The narrator tells us that it has been weeks since NoDuh heard anything from his dull witted siblings regarding Scami’s condition. What, is the phone in your Hoonah Extended Stay broken? What about your bush cell phones? What about the ParkSlop production dildo’s following you around? You couldn’t borrow any of their phones to call AcidRain who’s cell phone is always hanging out of her back pocket when she poses for photos in Walmart while spending the harsh Alaskan winter in Phoenix?

NoDuh waxes retardingly telling us that as he walks around Browntown he is just overcome with memories. Memories of what… being ferried out there a couple weeks a year to pretend you live there so damaged fans can continue to admire your family’s “bush” spirit? Jesus Christ.

And please, NoDuh, drop the Godamn “Ahhhhhhh” at the end of every friggin’ sentence! I know the helmet wearing fans of this shitshow think you’re some kind of genius because of your slurred speech impediment, but give it a rest already! Everyone else knows you’re just a third-grade level functioning, self-absorbed, smarmy douche-nozzle.

Cut to Kaliforny and let’s see what’s new and exciting there. Well, nothing. They spend the first few minutes showing us flashbacks of boring shit that happened in last weeks snooze-inducing episode.

Today is the day they get the biopsy results back. Scragglestache tells us that they’re hoping to not hear the “C” word… As in “Cops”… Or “Cancelled.”

As Mutt, Bore, and Birdbrain wait at the house, they also wax retardingly, espousing bullshit bush wisdom. For example, Mutt says he feels helpless because, “Where we come from, when there’s a problem you can do something about it. Here it’s just like an alien world.” Really? All that time you spent over the last three years in various rehab’s, San Diego, Hawaii, Las Vegas, and New York but living outside the bush now is somehow scary and ‘alien’?

When they return, they all follow her into the bedroom and she lies down. BullshitBilly tells the chuds that she has either stage 3 or 4 cancer depending on the results of further test. We don’t actually hear this from a doctor, just take BullshitBilly’s word for it.

I love it how ParkSlop props up Scami in bed holding a rose so as to get the gullible fans all worked up with emotions and readying their checkbooks to make donations to the season finale telethon.

Have no fear, NoDuh is continuing work on Browntown. The narrator tells us that since the ‘successful’ installation of the wind turbine (Jesus Christ…) he has been busy wiring up the filming location with electricity! He is using the old smoker as the control room. Once again we see a Brownklown failed idea left abandoned to litter the land. At least this phony smoke house will now become a phony power station hub. Why do I say the smokehouse was failed bullshit? The inside looks brand new! No sign of smoke anywhere…EVER! Thanks to ToNo for pointing that out in the comments below

When NoDuh was hooking up the equipment that was supposedly connected to the wind turbine to manage the power to Browntown, he steps out and then a generator motor starts up and blows smoke in his face! I thought the all successful turbine (with no generating mechanism attached) was supplying the power not a gas generator? ParkSlop isn’t even trying to cover up the bullshit anymore.

He worries that since he’s not with the rest of the chuds, who is fixing things for them? I’m guessing someone competent?

Back in Kaliforny, BullshitBilly, Scami, and his Rolex have to make a tough decision… Whether or not to leave Browntown and the bush. Are you kidding me? They have no problem leaving there and spending 11 months out of the year in the lower 48.

Scami and BullshitBilly talk about closing Browntown and spending that one month a year they spend there somewhere… Like Colorado to see her Pillsbury Dough Boy chud possibly get married to The Night Stalker.

They gather around the chuds and announce that the show is going to be cancelled. They are unable to keep up the charade of their bullshit lifestyle because Scami’s illness will bring too much attention to the fact they no longer live there. Plus, having to “give up their dream” plays right into their victimology mindset, laying the groundwork for future ‘woe-is-me’ moments for gullible fans to fawn over their bullshit.

Alaskan Bush People - Victim CardIn the next scene, the narrator tells us that NoDuh received a UHF communication (from the Hoonah Extended Stay) saying that Mutt is coming out to see him… Right after the bar closes.

Wait. He can get UHF messages about his brother coming out but can’t seem to get a peep from the ‘locals’ with news on Scami? Sometimes it’s fun to sit back and watch the show step all over it’s own bullshit.

Mutt tells NoDuh the news. He looks confused. Mutt tells him the rest of Brownklownz are coming out in a week to clean out the filming location and leave it looking like a war-zone like I imagine they’ve left all their previously squatted properties.

Back to Kaliforny. BirdBrain plays with peacocks and feeds them in the street. Maybe it’s prepping her for becoming an old bag lady in the park.

Back at Browntown, NoDuh cleans out his tent. They didn’t show what he did with Kristy’s head in a jar.

He reminisces about past failed experiments and useless junk he wasted time creating over the years.

Get this… Somewhere in his stack of “failed miserably” shit, he pulls out a helmet and a vest with LED’s on it and hands it to Mutt. He tries to convince us he invented a game called “Triumph-AAahhhhhhh” a while back and wanted to know if Mutt would join him in a game. So how come we never saw this bullshit before? That vest looks pretty professionally done for something a dullwitted, uneducated chud to put together. But, let’s just go along with the fantasy so the fans don’t get all butthurt.

NoDuh’s costume is so tight he’s muffin-topping out of the thing like a stuffed sausage.

They proceed to face each other and throw discs a each other. What a wildly imaginative and complex game! Thank God we have genius’s like NoDuh in the world to invent these thought provoking and skillful games that will really challenge children’s minds and teach them strategic thinking skills! Fuck you guy who invented chess… There’s a new game master in town, and he’s wearing spurs!

They proceed to dance around tossing rings at each other. NoDuh spins like he’s some highly trained and skilled foam disc throwing Ninja. After all, he trained under Kung-Foo master Bruce Lee…bowitz. This goes on much longer than needed.

After the break, we’re treated to more Brownklown buffoonery. Now Mutt and NoDuh are throwing knives… unfortunately not at each other.

Mutt lays the groundwork for the next bit of bullshit for the show. He tells NoDuh that he has been playing around late at night with firecrackers. FIRECRACKERS! Not some mysterious black powder or a seal bomb kept in the fridge.

Back in Kaliforny… Oh look! It’s Bum! You mean Allison (former ParkSlop shitslinger) let him out of her sight for more than five minutes? I guess they had a break in the feminist rally schedule to come see his poor mom. Good Lord he looks like a filthy greasy hippy.

Back at the filming location, NoDuh and Mutt take the skiff out to get some crab. Magically, the family that couldn’t catch shit over the last three seasons suddenly has pots full of crab.

In the short segment, Bore really beats the shit out of someone his own size… a garbage bag stuffed with leaves. He seems to have a lot of pent up anger.

In the final segment, we see more flashback garbage. Bum has a talk with BirdBrain on the patio. If you listen carefully you can hear Allison blowing the car horn in the background signalling him to hurry up and get back next to HER!

Back in Browntown, NoDuh packs his shit and heads off to see mommy. What is The Night Stalker going to do at the Hoonah Extended Stay without you? They howl like idiots as they say goodbye.

Oh, and AcidRain is still dressing like an 80’s garage sale… Except in the interview scenes.

Oh boy! Here comes the part where we see previews of Mutt blowing himself up. Remember. It was FIREWORKS ;)… OK?

More previews show BullshitBilly looking all sad because living in the bush is all HE knows how to do (bullshit) and how is HE going to manage not being there. What about your wife you self-absorbed manatee? Nope, it’s all about how BullshitBilly is going to cope having to live TWELVE months out of the year in the lower 48 instead of only 10 or 11.

Let’s take a look at some things that have happened AFTER this shit was recorded…

  • It’s rumored that NoDuh and The Night Stalker got married in Colorado with family (and film crew) in tow.
  • Mutt is fine after several photos of him with fans appeared online showing he’s just as short as ever.
  • Bum is still taking brooding black and white photos hoping SOMEONE will buy them so he can support Allison.

Come back next week for more bullshit from televisions number one shit-show, Alaskan Bullshit People.

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

30 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E02 The Long Road

  1. “BirdBrain plays with peacocks and feeds them in the street. Maybe it’s prepping her for becoming an old bag lady in the park.”

    Made me laugh out loud…

    Noah’s speech impediment is getting worse while he is alone, no one there to tell him to shut the f**k up I suppose…

    Love the recap as always, your wit is 16 levels above mine, sir…

    I would write more but it is my turn to play TRIUMPH in the backyard !!!


    1. Oh man, I gotta say I look forward to your post recap recap’s! Playing TRIUMPH lol.

      Thanks as always for your feedback!

  2. Beavis, good work!
    Good point that Noah was kept uninformed for 9 weeks. It goes back one episode where the Browns were in California for just 5 days. Not 9 weeks. But maybe they just don’t like their morbidly obese, mentally challenged little person. That makes sense to me.
    They still are avoiding the discussion of smoking and cancer. Were’nt we told early on that the Browns lived a pure life in the bush? No drinking (which is why they were so shocked with Matt’s drinking) no smoking? no drugs? Or did I imagine that?
    How about the car tire tracks at Browntown? The place is so wild, there are no roads? And when Matt walked down to the wtrer with Noah, along the car tracks, how did Noah depart Chicagof? There were no boats there, and no float planes. Did Noah walk on water to Hoonah?
    Ans, why was Noah wiring a computer tower to pretend it was a junction box? Doesn’t Park Slope care about anything any more, so they don’t even try to fake things? And what happened to the windmill? It was missing the blades, as well as the flimsy plywood thing Bear created with the AWESOME flames.
    We have also been told by Matt, no less, about how important the quiet of the bush is to him. Remember? He talked about that while he pretended to haul the rotting deer corpse back to Browntown. If so, why firecrackers? Why destroy the quietude of the bush?
    And as we listen to the Brownclowns babbling about God, the only contact they had with religion was a while back when a priest was blessing the fleet, and Billy and Ami studiuusly avoidied speaking with the priest. (Hospitals have chapels – people of faith use the chapels to pray for their stricken loved ones. They don’t instead talk to peacocks, crush citrus fruit with filthy gloves on, climb trees, or make 6 year old toys.).

    1. “How about the car tire tracks at Browntown? ” – Totally missed that!

      In all fairness, I think the tower he was working on was actually a controller. There was a shot where they showed the front and it looked to have an LED screen toward the top. I’ve seen similar ones on Life Below Zero (a show about REAL Alaskans).

      Still though the idiot probably fried it when he arc’d the posts 🙂

  3. Great recap as usual.

    The so-called old smoke house looked like it never saw any smoke other than the boys and Yosemite Sam toking some fresh jimsom weed, which would account for their collective brain power of a retarded sewer rat.

    I found it amazing the amount of garbage the boy genius amassed in his secret lair. Somebody had to haul that junk in and some poor slob will have to clean up the Superfund site once known as browntown. As he went through his junk he hauled what appeared to be a good boat motor and put it in the junk pile while his inventions were set aside for the Smithsonian curators.

    We should be thankful we still have the insane Brown-posse to entertain us. The ABP are to real Alaskans as sea monkeys are to simians.

    1. Good call on the smokehouse. The inside was brand new!

      The garbage in his tent was really sad. It was funny seeing that boat motor come out of there 🙂

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  4. “Self-absorbed Manatee” Hilarious…and Accurate! I also wondered how Noah got to Hoonah…didn’t see a boat waiting to take him…I just saw him keep walking…into the water like the Loch Ness Monster. “Retarded Sewer Rat’ that’s a new and funny one! Oh Noah hauled out a boat motor, huh? Couldn’t figure out what that big thing he was lugging out…thought it was his ego! “Insane Brown-Posse” – Priceless! Great Job, As always ! 🙂 P.S. I loathe Rhain with the crazy eyes and smile, hope she can get a job when the show is over; do they have Extended Stays in Oregon? Thanks, Beavis ! 🙂

    1. Thanks LaLobagirl! I love when you guys add additional insight. There’s just so much BS I miss a lot of things 🙂

      1. Of Course, Beavis ! I’d be honored ! 🙂 Can I get credit for that? LOL ! Oh, and did anyone catch where Matt and Noah brought the crabs back and Matt was saying how hard the crabs are to clean, and Noah says he has a better method (or something) for that…and then they show Noah with his huge (and really neat) pistol and and a Jack Nicholson grin right out of “The Shining” ?? Anyone catch that other than me?? Noah was looking a bit deranged there. Must be because he’s been alone for 9 weeks – 5 days – or whatever…Beavis…I think you should make a Meme of Noah and his pistol in that scene, and one of Bilky and a manatee…Have a ball, Beavis! Love your work ! 🙂

      2. Hey Beavis… I’m waiting to see the “Insane Brown Posse” “Billy the Self-absorbed Manatee” and Noah and his pistol with the crazy “The Shining” grin Meme’s…I’m looking forward to the laughs…Thanks!

  5. “They proceed to dance around tossing rings at each other.” Priceless! Then Matt stands there and Noah throws rings at his face. What a great game!

  6. Where do they get all that jewelry? They wear more jewelry then I can afford an live in the bush. I have watched this show a long time an they spend more time talking about the show then actiually doing it they all go to town when they go to jail but they don’t all go to town when Ami has cancer fake or real.

    1. According to the show, Elizabeth, it’s all bush made 🙂 Haha. I remember a couple of seasons ago where Matt said he made jewelry and tried selling it around town. He made it out of silverware or something.

      Don’t forget the Brown-Crown jewel, Bilky’s Rolex!

      Thanks for reading and the comment!

  7. Neavis, it is time to have a discussion about the latest plans for Browntown.
    If Ami dies of lung cancer, there will be 8 remaining little people to live at Browntown, (plus Ruth, the stalker.) Did Billy consider all of the resources he has at hand?They keep telling us that they have a thriving delivery busiiness with their boat, the Integrity. (stiffling a giggle)
    Why not bury Ami at Browntown, and contue the efforts at sustainability? They could rent another cow, barter for some goats, a couple of pigs – for pork ,not companionship – they could open a hunting lodge, and Birdbrain could be the guide, since she is such a successful deer hunter. Rain could be the entertainment for the lodge, since she is dressing more and more like a stripper, and she will soon be of legal age.
    This has all sorts of growth possibilities..

    1. No prob Bakerman1 🙂

      time permitting I think a “what If” article is a good idea. If you have something you want to contribute I’ll put any ads, links, etc. you want on the page. Stupid work gets in the way and it’s just about all I can do to put out a recap every week.

  8. I have to admit, Im not entirely convinced, she is as sick as they tell us.
    First off they are all extremely vague with any details other than “cancer” and “bad”.
    Cant say I know anything about what it would feel like to have any stage of cancer, but even she is extremely vague, when she describes it; “it hurts!” Or “oh, it hurts!”
    And Billy really dances around the subject, when he has to comment on it, just waxing on and on about how it may change everything.
    Remember when Billy had his life threatening sudden comas? They suddenly started, and suddenly stopped out of the blue, same with Noahs bum leg. And I will bet you anything, neither of those old problems come up, now that its Amis time to shine.
    I know cancer is a bitch, and not to be made fun off, so if she really truly was that sick, one would think, they had made a public announcement that they quit and didnt need a camera crew around during a difficult time.
    The way they do it now just seems like a cop out so everyone can say the most cheesy (or for Noah the most douchey) lines, and that their faith in the Lord always helps them through, and then when she didnt die, they can say “told ya!”.

    Just my opinion. ? but great recap as always. ?? ??

    1. Thanks Henrik:

      I’m with you on the skepticism. There’s a picture of her that surfaced in Colorado and she looks pretty good. Again, could be totally wrong but this just seems to be another ‘excuse’.

      Thank you for reading and the comments!

      1. No problem, I thoroughly enjoy these recaps. ??

        It would be cool, if someone could count and write down some of the extreme idiotic facts this show asks us to believe in.
        Like how many times the duration of a trip to Hoonah changes over a season (and how early those two girls in the canoe probably set out, to make it to Browntown), how many times they go sailing and have a motor problem/get surprised by extreme weather, what the most times Billy has mentioned the Lord in an episode, or how many different jackets/vests/furs Bear has got. ?
        But I know, ppl would have to rewatch this shit, and I sould not wish that upon anyone. ?????

  9. The dumbest thing said, in my opinion, in the four seasons of the Brownclowns (setting aside a whole bunch of comments of doom by Asa the narrator) was Noah, in the curreent episode.
    “If she dies of cancer, or lives to be 100, she is still my mommy.”
    How embarrassing is that?
    Discovery is offering up another reality series, called ‘himestead rescue.’ I watched one episode, in which a man with epilepsy (shades of Billy!) and his wife moved to the ‘wilderness’ and neither of them know how to do anything.
    Asa, with his pronoucements of doom, tells us that about three inches of snow means they are ‘snowed in.’ But the snarky Alaskan know it all team teaches them how to raise pigs, hunt, fix ten miles of road, and cut down a gazillion dead trees. All in a few days.
    Cynical? Yup. But the Good Lord will watch over them.

  10. Just a thought : we all know how this show is all the bullshit all the time, but if we play along, wouldn’t it qualify as some sort of child endangerment to move your seven kids to the place in the world with the most dense population of bears??

    Just saying. ???

  11. I love these articles so much I almost want to watch the show just to see how these buffoons think. I’m guessing the speech patterns from NoDuh are directly related to something dental. Well… probably related to an anesthetic called “NoDuhcain.” He’s so bad that he self-anesthetizes himself by just being himself.

    1. The speech oddities go back to season one, where the Brownclown children talked about their favorite movies. (They discussed how movie videos are traded in the Bush)
      James Bond movies were one of the favorites, and two of the boys did James Bond imitations. And everything flowed from that.
      Birdbrain acquired the fake accent in season 2 (which was really the second half of season one) Bear went more and more James ondish, and Birdbrain began the ‘pull back the lower lipo and talk british)
      Season 3 gave us the fake genius of Noah Numbnuts, and the more pompous he became, top hat and all, the more the fake accent. Matt, the more drunk he became, would sometimes lapse into the fake accent.

  12. Last night’s episode was the worse, Jerry, the worst!
    I await Beavis and his magic!
    And the new show, Homestead Rescue, is even more intellectually insulting than ABP!

  13. so confused the websites claim ami has stage 4 yet brown buffoons say stage 3….and how is batshit billy driving with his seizures, and where did they get the ford suv

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