Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E03 Strength In Numbers

Alaskan Bush People move to Colorado

Breaking News: The hell with their mother’s health, the Chuds spent the 4th of July in Vegas at the Bellagio! Sorry… the BUSH Bellagio. I wonder if ParkSlop will cover that in their ‘real time’ coverage of events?

Fear not. A few gullible fans took it upon themselves to start GoFundMe pages for the Brown’s. I shit you not. Online groups have been trying their best to have them shut down and have been successful so far. Let’s hope the Brownklownz don’t make any more money off gullible fans.

No time to waste. Let’s get right down to it! In the opening scene we’re asked to believe that these slurred speech chuds need to hunt lizards in Kaliforny to eat. Bore, BirdBrain, and AcidRain try and set a snare to catch dinner. When that fails they send Bore up the tree to catch it with his hands… and hopefully get rabies.

After the introduction, which after you know all the lies and bullshit about these idiots makes it even more difficult to listen to, we are treated with the all familiar disclosure that these events are unfolding in real time. Keep that in mind as you witness some of the bullshit that supposedly happened seven weeks ago.

In the opening embarrassment, Bore and Wolverine head into the backyard of some unknown residence they are staying at. Hopefully the homeowner doesn’t return before they’re done trashing the place. Bore wants to build a fire pit.

A fire pit… in California. Haven’t they had enough fire problems without some ADHD midget starting MORE fires? But hey let’s just believe that he really is so bush that he HAS to have a fire in the backyard to feel at home. I wonder if the Bellagio in Vegas has a spot for him to build his fires?

Wolverine goes too slow so Bore, hopped up on sugar apparently, digs like a spastic dog and proceeds to place rocks around the fire pit.

Get this next bit of bullshit. These idiots must REALLY believe that the fans of this shitshow are just as challenged as they are. Wolverine comes down and asks Bore, “Do they have deer here?

Bore replies, “I think so.” To which Wolverine says, “Do you want me to see if I can hunt something up?” Jesus Christ. I hope you’re just playing to the camera with that comment. How shitsall-retarded would you have to be to go hunting for deer in a populated neighborhood in fucking TOPANGA CALIFORNIA? It’s sad either way… I mean it’s sad if he truly is that dumb, and it’s also sad that the fans are so dumb the Brownklownz can recite scripted lines like this for them to fawn over. My head hurts.

Back at the filming loc… wait more flashbacks. After that Bore, AcidRain, and Birdbrain sit on the back deck and talk about how confusing it is to live in civilization as compared to the bush. Really? It must be really confusing ‘cuz you don’t fucking live in the bush! You’re rarely there! Since filming wrapped in May/June you’ve been everywhere else BUT the bush! I guess it’s not that confusing, but then again Wolverine once stared at a can of Orange Juice for three hours because it said ‘Concentrate’.

Now BullshitBilly is talking ab… Wait, more flashbacks. Get this, the flashbacks are mixed with commentary from the family. Bore explains how great it is in Alaska that you can just find some land anywhere and start building a house. Is that REALLY what he believes? He’s a grown (if 5-foot tall is ‘grown’) man who just turned 30 and he thinks that’s how land and home ownership rights are acquired? Just plop your ass anywhere and start building?

Bore and Wolverine talk about mosquitoes. Wolverine starts slapping himself to demonstrate what it’s like to be constantly swatting them off your face. It quickly turns into a brawl between Wolverine and his confused self.

Back in Browntown… Wait, wasn’t this supposed to be the episode where Mutt blows himself up? We’ve been teased with that footage for the last two weeks and they’re STILL not showing it? Don’t worry, he’s OK. The damage wasn’t enough to keep him from going to NoDuh’s wedding in Colorado and posing for pics with delusional fans.

Mutt finds his bullshit saw mill. Wow, it starts on the first try! He then attempts to sound sober by talking about places and family and bullshit. More flashbacks! This episode should be called ‘Recycled Garbage‘.

Various chuds tell us how great they are at different things. NoDuh is great at being stupid, BirdBrain is great with a rifle (coughbullshitcough).

Alaskan Bush People - boys compare injuries wounds

In a flashback to season 1, Mutt challenges Wolverine to lick a shovel. He tells him, “I triple dog dare you!” Back then Discoverup was touting this family as having been living wild in the bush and recently ‘discovered’, having no contact with society and unfamiliar with common pop-culture references. So how did they know lines from popular movies like A Christmas Story? Oh wait, it’s all bullshit, even back then. I forgot.

They feature a flashback of Bum who oversees the lesser chuds compete to see who has the worst battle-damage.

Now we see MORE flashbacks… Wait ‘unseen footage’ that wasn’t good enough to make the show the first season but for some reason is now worthy to be seen.

After the break, we learn ab… Nope, more Godamn FLASHBACKS! Finally, some new stuff. BirdBrain and Bore complain about the heat. Don’t worry, it’s a lot cooler in the Bellagio where they’ll be a few weeks after this shit was shot.

They find the hot-tub and remove the cover, clean it, and fill it with water. Back in the filming location, MORE flashbacks, this time featuring Mutt when he got those water containers and used his belt to secure them. In some unseen bullshit, he and Dump-buddy Kenny go night fishing for squid. They talk to each other in Klingon or some foreign language because you can’t understand a godamn thing they are saying. It’s seems to be a bunch of random consonants strung together in some drunken slur.

Back in Kaliforny, Bore and AcidRain talk about returning to the filming location to get some B-Roll of them acting like they give two-shits about leaving the place. They should film them talking about not getting any more Discoverup checks. That would elicit some REAL emotion!

What’s with AcidRain? She keeps flipping her hair as if saying, “Notice my hair, DAMMIT!” We get it. You got a coupon at Supercuts and had them perform an age-inappropriate haircut. But hey, according to BullshitBilly you’re 15 and therefore have to start looking for a 26-year old bum to marry just like Scami!

They talk about their parents and how useless they are and how they failed them by raising them uneducated and dependent on them so they would have to stay with their parents and provide for them because they don’t know any better.

More flashbacks followed by Wolverine and AcidRain making crafts. AcidRain is making a bottle holder for Mutt. The two begin making drawing of their siblings. AcidRain and Bum talk about how they were homeschooled by a high school dropout and a lazy grifter. That really explains all you need to know about these kids.

Asa (the narrator) tells us that their ‘well rounded education‘ has helped them their entire life. What education? They all seem to barely function at a third-grade level! Wait, That’s kind of mean… TO THIRD GRADERS! Christ help any helmet wearing fan that thinks any of these chuds are in any way ‘smart’ or ‘gifted’. They sure are ‘special’ though, am I right?

More fucking flashbacks! Now it’s reliving Mutt building his tire house. They show the scene where Scami and BullshitBilly prepared to be ashamed and embarrassed. They enter Mutt’s tire house and he is sporting the biggest shit-eating grin I’ve seen.

Bum tells the story of how Mutt wanted to build a fire breathing dragon. He tells us that if Mutt wanted to, he could really build a fire breathing dragon! Wait, does that mean he failed? Yep, they show a parting shot of it’s head on fire and falling off. Darn Brown luck!

Next we have MORE flashbacks showing Bore getting moss. He tells us that his ‘duh’ told him that when giants walked through the forest they would scrape their head against the trees causing their hair to get caught which is why there’s moss way up high in trees. Bore says that’s why it’s called “Giant’s hair.” No, dumbass, it’s NOT called that. No one on earth calls it that except you. Another great example of Scami’s home-skoolin’.

So when are they going to show Mutt getting his head blow’d off? Oh wait, they’re not. It’s just teaser bullshit to make you think there’s actually something going to HAPPEN this season that’s remotely interesting. But wait… There’s always NoDuh’s wedding footage! I’m sure they’ll shit that out for ratings from fawning idiots.

Back from the break, they talk about Scami’s treatment options which apparently include traveling to Colorado to watch your Pillsbury Dough Boy chud marry The Night Stalker and then head to Vegas then back to Kaliforny. Good thing cancer ain’t serious or nothing and require immediate treatment. Hell, take a few months off and then come back for treatment when and where it’s convenient for you and the ParkSlop film crew.

Jesus Christ now there’s MORE flashback footage! Wait, this one’s actually good. It’s where Captain Hazelwood, Jr. (Bum) tried to dock the SS Grifter and rammed it into the dock. Guess that’s why they had to hire a competent boat captain for the show!

In more unseen stupidity from season one, Bum and NoDuh go to a thrift store to get more blankets because apparently these thirty-year bush veterans are somehow surprised that it gets really cold in Alaska. A fellow shopper asks Bum what his name is, to which he replies, “Bam Bam, like the cartoon.” Again, this family supposedly just walked out of the bush after thirty years and was magically ‘discovered’ by a ParkSlop film crew and yet he knows all about the Flintstones? I’m starting to think this whole thing is just a bunch of bullshit 😉

The man asks NoDuh if he is a preacher because he is wearing black leather. NoDuh explains that he is not a preacher, he is simply retarded.

NoDuh talks about the things the family can rely on like bullshit and gullible fans.

More Godamn FLASHBACKS! Bum claims he remembers doing ALL those cutting jobs. Cut to Scami and BullshitBilly. Surely something interesting will happen NOW, there’s only eight minutes of show left! Nope, Scami gets ice water. Wow! I am on the edge of my seat! Maybe if I scoot back a little. There, that’s better.

In the short segment, which is called a ‘short’ segment because it features short people, the chuds talk about how Bum always points out the obvious by stating whatever it is they are hauling, building, scamming, etc..

Back to the show. Surely something interesting will happen in the last four minutes, right? RIGHT! Oh shit here we go with more flashbacks. OK, now back to new stuff. BullshitBilly and Scami talk more about how he will miss the bush. It’s all about him and how HE feels. What a narcissistic asshole.

More flashbacks. Remember when the family moved into their filming location. BullshitBuilly claims they hauled every piling and dug every hole. Wow. I bet that Ketchikan construction company is glad he’s taking all the credit for their building! Wolverine proclaims, “The Lord provides!” Apparently Lord is bush-speak for “Discoverup Channel.”

And it’s over. Nothing interesting or new. Wait, apparently next week’s episode is cutting-room floor scraps taped together and shat out as a “lost episode!” Here we see a short preview of Bum and Bore wearing animal costumes to apparently promote a business. I bet we don’t see BullshitBilly or Scami doing any work to support the family.

And later in the season… AAAAAHHHHHHHH! Mutt screams in the background and we see the same three seconds of bullshit ‘footage’ of the aftermath of Mutt blowing his head off. Also, the chuds are bringing down the all important, future on the line, needed to survive wind turbine! Say it ain’t so!

Dump-buddy Kenny speaks Klingon and babbles on about how he’s going to miss Mutt. At least that’s what I think he was saying. No wonder he gets along so well with Mutt… They both sound the same when Mutt’s drunk!

SPOILER ALERT: It looks like in the final piece of Sneak Peak footage, the Brownklownz are in their RV and going to Colorado! All leading up to NoDuh’ and his beard getting married I’m guessing. If you want to send a wedding gift they are registered at Goodwill.

Oh, and if you’re looking for more Bullshit People fun, check out my latest Hitler Reacts… video.  I think it’s how a lot of ex-fans feel. 🙂

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

19 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S07:E03 Strength In Numbers

  1. Really ?!?! I mean REALLY ?!?!

    10 minutes of worthless home movie style crap of the idiots hamming it up in SoCal, and the rest is flashbacks ??? And we are only into the 3rd episode of the ‘new’ season ??? WTF ???

    The producers and writers must be having a field day, at our expense, laughing it up while we stew with unbridled frustration at being conned into watching this worthless piece of shit….

    ‘Matt gets hurt in an explosion’, the previews for the last month said. So when do we actually get to see it ? In October ? Ami has this horrible disease, and when we finally see her in the episode she tells us…wait for it… that Rain gave her ice water. If I had a cat, I would have kicked it out of pure anger at the people who promote and put this on the air…

    The hot tub, the hole in the yard, the pencil sketches, has this show finally been reduced to such drivel that they actually have the nerve to film this, and then unbelievably put it on the air ??? And the fact that once they have done these looney tasks, we never see the outcome. Why ? Lost footage to be showed next year ?

    Beavis, you got it right man… The biggest bullshit of the night was Gabe asking about going out to hunt deer… I actually went across the street and kicked the neighbor’s cat !!!

    Thanks for the excellent recap… Please, PLEASE Discovery Channel, don’t do this to us again !!!

    Now I must go and fill in my form letter to the Browns, giving them back exactly what they gave me after watching this episode….?

    1. Haha yeah it gets pretty infuriating. ☺️
      If only I could stomach to watch the episodes once more, and this time take notes. Like how many boat malfunctions they have had, how many times Billy suddenly had a mystery seizure before work started and so on.. ?

  2. It was a pitiful show last evening, followed by an equally miserable insulting Alaska Discovery junk show called Homestead Rescue. Last night’s script was just pathetic.
    On a serious note, however, there is a federal welfare program called SSI – supplemental security income, for people with disabilities who have not had a work record long enough to collect regular social security disability.
    The odds are pretty good that the ever scamming Browns have been collecting SSI for all 7 children, at about 700 dollars per child per month. If you add in food stamps and medicaid, plus their various scams, they have lived a comfortable life. (federal judges have ruled that children with learning disabilities or behavioral problems are deemed eligible for SSI.)
    That might be the biggest Brownclown scam of all.

  3. The willingness to donate on “Go Fund Me” sites by people who could care less about a food pantry, a homeless shelter, or even a genuine organizational that supports our wounded veterans, will never cease to amaze me. Mom does look peaked, pale, and bearly able to hold her rose, but she is playing a part so the series can end. This is a “family” that pays for medical care with fresh caught fish. So, having a GFM account is just like paying only the caught fish are the people willing to donate monies. Perhaps, with the move down to the “48”, and ka-li-torn-Ian, the series cane be revamped to a type of Beverly Hillbillies.

  4. Beavis, another great recap.

    If the die hard ABP fanboys weren’t disappointed with this regurgitated Bush sh!T then there is no hope.

    I’m surprised CNN hasn’t blamed scAmi’s illness on DT and Vlad, and demanded the feds look into it.

    The Insane Brown-posse are to real Alaskans like a yeast infection is to a woman… Irritating, nasty and unwanted.

    1. John – 1 or2 seasons back, the family was charged with receiving Benefit Checks from the State of Alaska, because of the pipe. You must live in AK for at least 6 mos. a year. The family SAID they lived in AK, but could not come up with a paper trail to prove it. Gov’t was going to make them go to court, but Billy cut a deal where they would take him and Bam, in exchange for leaving the rest of the family alone. The court wanted them to wear ankle monitors, but because of the “remoteness” of their land, they couldn’t properly monitor them, Soooo, the family went to Juneau, and Bam and Billy holed up for 30 days in a motel with their ankle monitors, and Disco said “they were not permitted to film Bam’s and Billy’s “incarceration”

  5. Thank you Beavis, for that rapier-sharp review and the Anthony Hopkins pic – PRICELESS. I could not believe the opening scene was the kids trying to catch a chameleon…um, shouldn’t you kids be with your MOM??? Lord, I think Discovery revels in getting all of us idiots to watch this utter crapshow “Let’s see how dumb and gullible the viewers are THIS WEEK!” each week. I threw something at the TV when BB moans and whines about “he doesn’t know to live anywhere else…It’s a part of me…it IS me.” Billy, we frankly don’t give a shit about your ‘problems’ You are one sorry self-absorbed asshole pos.

  6. Hey guys – thought of something – there is serious talk about them coming back for one more season (WHY??) Well, what re they gonna film if Ami passes ? My theory: Noah and the Night Stalker are probably screwing like crazy. hoping to get knocked up with the 3rd generation of grifters… (not that they haven’t been doing that ALREADY)Well, there’d HAVE to be show about her pregnancy and birth of their little savior, uh, CHILD. Yeah, Child. I hope to God I am WRONG about this

  7. This has got to be the only show that glorifies a family of grifter’s/con artist’s, and the people love them! Very odd for sure! The only thing I didn’t like about this commentary, was the comment about Kenny. I like Kenny. He seems like a regular guy, down to earth, hard working. I would NEVER lump him in with the Brownstains!!! Otherwise, the review was pretty darn accurate!

    1. Kenny does seem to be a fan favorite… Despite being a Skaflestad 🙂 He does seem to be genuine. Thank you for the comment!

  8. Kenny does have a magical dump.
    Out of that Hoonah dump, the Brownclowns were able to find a new chest freezer, a sparkling new trail bike, good motor and transmission, good paint, new tires – the other Alaska shows demonstrate how frugal people are up in Alaska – they even recycle nails! (Matt, when building his fake meat locker, threw handfuls of new nails all over the place – he said it saves time.) Yet the people in Hoonah seem to delight in throwing away brand new stuff!
    The Brownclowns also found new electronics, police bar lights and sirens! And to think Kenny hoards the best stuff! That is one magical dump!
    (But I can’r be critical of the Hoonah folks. The fake tv filmiing brings a bunch of money into a relartively poor area, with construction workers who built the Brownclown house, to the people guarding the property, to the security people whjo protect the perpetual 3rd grader Brown kids on their ‘hunts,’ to the boat crews – lots of people getting a piece of the action. In the end, probably a million dollars a year is added to the Hoonah economy.)

  9. I just checked for information about ABP on my Time Warner Specrum cable site. Each show contains a brief summary for the episode.
    ABP information? #2 o2. That’s all.
    I predict a whole lot of re run crap, with a few minutes of shots of Ami hiolding that artificial white carnation with tinges of red, as she clutches her pack of Marlboros..

    1. Someone on the Exposed Facebook page pointed out that there seems to be some last minute swapping and splicing of episodes in order to avoid some of the bullshit that’s been exposed. I wonder how they will spin thins in episode 5,6 and 7?

      1. It was a miserable presentation last night. The things shown took place in 2013, just before the regular show started.
        We learned several things.
        First, there was no puppy available in all of alaska except at POW island, and Billy could afford to pay cash for a float plane trip from Ketchikan to POW, and back, and could afford a skiff rental, he somehow met a crazy old dude to go gold panning in a stream without gold.
        The boys, who were presented in season one as inept with babes, hit ketchikan whjen the cruise ship was there, to hit on lots of young women, bercause everyone knows the cruise ships are full of young women, right??
        Matt secured the phone num,ber of a young woman, even though the boys, later, were shown not to know how to use a phone.
        The dialogue was carefully scripted, and badly spoken. I could see the produiction meeting at Park Slope – are you sure we can sell the shit?
        We also learned that a boat parts warehouse gives away parts for free! How’s that for a business model?
        Finally, Ani was able to prepare a venison dinner on the shore,
        using up their remaining venison? From last deer seson? Do you people know what year old venison tastes like?
        Finally, is there a crab season in Alaska? Or can anyone catch and eat crab throughpout the year? Billy said they eat crab for breakfast.
        And – a ‘lost episode’ is fake! fake! fake! It was never an epsiode, ju8st a bunch of failed scenes found on the cutting room floor.

        1. lakerman1,
          The notion that one can just leave your child-bride and two young girls to fend for themselves on a lakeshore while you go hunt gold and some skirt is just plain nuts… What if they had an accident ? What if they got arrested for fraud again ? What if Billy had another fake ass seizure ? And then the absolute insanity of having a venison meal ready when the chumps return is just nutty beyond belief. What happened ? Did a deer surrender and allow itself to be butchered for the further good of the Brown cult ? What a sham…

          People in Alaska just give away pure bred dogs to any fool who shows up at their floating wreck of a home ? uh-huh…

          And the boat parts warehouse folks who seem to give parts away for free was pretty lame, and they found that part in like 5 seconds, that has to be a record in the spare parts business…

          You know that telephone # that Matt got from that girl was just a phone number to some meth heads in Kahoka, Missouri….

          Didn’t buy a second of this ‘lost’ bullshit….

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