Another week another snooze inducing ‘Best Of’, ‘Lost Footage’ episode! If this shit wasn’t good enough to show us the first time, what the hell makes ParkSlop think it’s good enough to show now? My bet is they’re still trying to figure out how to play the whole cancer thing yet still play to their retarded fan base with a “bush lifestyle” tone.
In the opening segment, the Pillsbury Dough Boy says that Bore left a ‘Fairy Circle’ on the ground. Was he hoping to catch the Village People? NoDuh tells us all about fairy circles. I think they edited out the part where he thinks it’s where you sit in a circle and jerk each other o… Never mind. He says that since Bore is the fairy that built it (?), his offering needs to be something he would like. So, he grabs some old bones and ties a red ribbon on it. Ohhhhhhhhh-Kayyyyyy.
According to Asa the narrator, we’ll also get a sneak peak into some incredible moments to come later in the season. Let me guess, it will consists of the same old 5-seconds of bullshit showing BirdBrain and a couple other dull-witted siblings pulling down the windmill and Mutt screaming then the camera showing someone with their head bleeding. Yawn.
BTW, the ‘windmill’ referenced previously is of course the all important, life on the line, future at stake wind turbine which during the off-season was replaced by a simple windmill with no generating parts or wires. It’s just some shitty recycled blades slapped onto a metal pole. Let’s see how parkSlop spins that line of bullshit. At this point they probably don’t care and will just present it like it’s fact knowing there are enough helmet wearing, short-bus riding fans to give them mediocre ratings.
According to the narrator, BullshitBilly has pissed away the last thirty years trying to provide a freeloader life for his clan of barely functioning chuds. He has of course failed miserably to the point where he should just turn the kids over to CPS and let them get adopted by families that can provide a stable environment and a good education instead of constantly having to work for table scraps to provide a lifestyle for their useless, lazy parents.
Since this is a cutting-room floor scraps episode, they begin by showing how this family was the poor victim of evil townspeople who didn’t want this band of idiots living in their community. ParkSlop STILL doesn’t tell the whole story, making you think that there were actual gunshots fired. We all know the true story about how the townspeople got tired of them and the crew making so much noise so they decided to set off fireworks to wake THEM from their slumber. Of course, ParkSlop and BullshitBilly try and convince us that they were being shot at and their lives were in danger. Really? Your life was in danger from some firecrackers? Since when are firecrackers danger… Oh yeah… Mutt.
So, after getting kicked out by mean people (aka “Real Alaskan’s”), the family moves to Juneau where they buy the Opal. They tried to live on the boat and grift their way from shore to shore setting up camps and leaving a path of garbage and destruction wherever they went.
Let’s take a minute and address the elephant in the room… I mean dwarf. We all know Bore is about 5 feet tall, but Bum doesn’t seem to be much taller than that. In this shot, he appears to be holding a Mossberg 12 gauge shotgun. Even if it’s not that exact model, most of their guns that resemble the same stock and barrel design are about the same length give or take a few inches. Take into account the Frankenstein shoes and man, he’s vertically challenged like the others!
We are now treated to more “Lost Footage.” BullshitBilly tries to wake up his chuds because he is most likely hungry and needs them to feed him. He squaks on and on about chores needing to be done. Next, Mutt breaks up crab while the rest of the family sits on their asses. They throw them in a pot and choke them down.
BullshitBilly announces he needs to go to town so he can selfishly pan for gold while leaving the family alone to fend for themselves. Oh, and he’s also going to take all of the male chuds so they can hook up with cruise ship women. Whatthefuck? What’s the end game here? These tourists are on a short shore excursion and I’m sure the last thing they want is an unkempt dwarf trying get a quickie but sadly “finishing” before they can remove their own pants leaving the women disgusted and unfulfilled. If this was truly their plan they really need some help.
On the ride there, NoDuh looks very terrified. Perhaps he had a bad experience in the past (or future)? BullshitBilly tells us that he hopes the boys are lucky and meet a girl like he did. Does he mean he hopes they find a 15-year old girl? (look it up)
Once they arrive, BullshitBilly meets the guy he conned into showing where his potential gold harvest is located. He tells BullshitBilly that he had to pull a tooth yesterday by himself. Methusala could care less and just wants to get some gold.
Back in Ketchikan, the chuds decide they should split up and harass girls in the local shops. First up is Wolverine. He fails miserably. Next is Bum. He tries a pickup line that fails miserably. Let’s see how Bore is doing… Yep, he also fails miserably as the clerk, upon hearing his pickup line, hits the silent alarm.
Surely a Renaissance chud like NoDuh will score, right? No. Like a preying lion, he picks the weakest of the herd… A woman on crutches. Between his phony cane and her crutches, he thinks they will be able to get quite a lot of gubmint disability. He tries to impress her with a card trick. You guessed it, the trick fails miserably.
After failing miserably at trying to interact with normal people, the chuds return to the opal empty handed and proceed to manually spill more seed than Michael J. Fox filling a bird feeder.
Wait… Where’s Mutt? Oh yeah he’s getting coffee and hitting on some poor tourist. She looks petrified! He impresses her with his water bottle juggling skills. Yeah, that’ll pay for the mortgage on a nice house. What else ya got?
Mutt asks the frightened girl for her number. Wait… I thought this family lived remote and off the grid? Where will Mutt ever get a phone to call her? Oh right, it’s all bullshit. She writes down her number as ‘911’. Mutt thinks it’s cool because it’s an easy number to remember.
Once he returns to the Opal, they set out to sea. Back to BullshitBilly and is need to pan for gold leaving his wife and daughters alone in a hotel room in Hoonah. Wait, that can’t be right. I’m sure they are still on that lonely beach fending for themselves just like the ParkSlop narrative led us to believe, right?
NoDuh drives the soon-to-be-scuttled Opal and it isn’t long until a problem crops up. He can turn right, but can’t turn left. NoDuh exclaims, “There is something wrong-ahhhhhhh.” Bum takes the wheel while NoDuh looks to see what the problem is. Seems that a broken bracket is the culprit. Since NoDuh is the resident genius, he explains why the bracket doesn’t hold the thing that makes the hydraulic doohickey move.
Mutt decides that they need to go into town and get the part. Wow! How lucky that they are not only near a town, they are near a town with a store that has that exact part! I thought they were headed to a remote island to do some hunting, not the Hoonah Marine Center?
Back to BullshitBilly. Much like the rest of his life, he also fails at panning for gold. Cut to Mutt and Wolverine as they head to local salvage shop and they find a suitable replacement. After locating it they head back to the Opal. Like the show, the boat is circling the drain.
After it’s fixed and they pick up BullshitBilly, they return to the camp on shore where they left Scami, AcidRain, and BirdBrain. Weren’t they at all worried about their safety leaving them alone? You should have had them stay in Hoonah while you were gone instead of having them camp out like self sufficient people (wink).
In a sneak peak of a sneak peak for what we MIGHT see this season, we see BullshitBilly and the clan driving in an RV to Colorado. Just in time for NoDuh’s wedding maybe? BullshitBilly looks off to the side of the road and proclaims, “I’m going to pull over and build a house.” Are you for fucking real? Do you or your idiot fans really believe you can just pull over and build a house anywhere? Maybe that’s why the gubmint burned you out of that Forest Service cabin you were squatting in?
After the break, BullshitBilly laments about how much their old dog means to him. AcidRain wants a dog and makes her pouty face to get what she wants. She claims no one can say no to that face. Apparently it didn’t work for other things.
Next, the male chuds talk about how they need money and should get jobs. NoDuh is such a smarmy douche he laughs at his brother and claims he can get a job anywhere and he can get along with anyone. Well, with his vast knowledge of two things… jack and SHIT… I’m sure he’ll have a bright future in either the food service or hospitality industry.
NoDuh spouts more words of wisom. He states there are only two kinds of people he doesn’t get along with… Racists and people that are disrespectful. I wonder if he knows what that means? He certainly disrespects us every week by pretending to be a self proclaimed genius that seems to barely function at a third grade level! Oh well, let’s let him continue to live his delusional life.
BullshitBilly takes the boys to Ketchikan where he heard a guy at Prince of Wales island has a dog for AcidRain. When they arrive, Mutt and Wolverine get jobs working in a geoduck factory. They mostly goof off, talk, and act like idiots. The other workers stare at them in disbelief.
Back to bullshitBilly who suddenly has money for a plane to take him to Prince of Wales. This once again asks the question where are Scami and the girls while they’re in town? Oh right… the Hoonah Inn.
Back to Mutt and Wolverine. Since they didn’t do any actual work, the real Alaskan men that work there make them eat a raw geoduck.
In the short segment, Bore and BirdBrain cook an egg on the roof of the RV to show how hot it is in Kaliforny. It reminded me of the episode where BirdBrain wanted her eggs with a lot of sugar. Then we see more seconds of previews where BullshitBilly once again says he’s going to pull over and build a house while the chuds look out over someone else’s land (or government park land) and proclaim it’s everything they’ve been looking for. Since when? Since the last time you found everything you were looking for?
The story of BullshitBilly getting the puppy drags on about five minutes longer than needed (it’s only four minutes long). He somehow arrives and leaves in a boat.
Finally, BullshitBilly gets the puppy, throws it onto a skiff and heads for the plane. Where is he getting all this shit to use? Planes and boats seem to just be laying around all over the place in Alaska. He boards the plane, and heads back to the filming location. The family fawns over the cute puppy. AcidRain decides the name should be Mr. Crapcake, named after Scami’s famous magic pantry bowl birthday cake from the first season.
Oh boy, here’s previews for the next episode! Surely it will contain new and exciting footage of this wholesome bush family! Wait, nope. Same bullshit from earlier… pulling down the windmill, Mutt blowing his head off, etc.. Same bullshit, different day.
Until next week, kids, thanks for reading and please leave a comment.
PS – Just in case you can’t get enough of the chuds and their failed pickup lines, here’s some more!