Hey, it’s time for the all new, big, action packed 2-hour season finale of Alaskan Bullshit People! Actually, it’s about twenty minutes of new stuff surrounded rehashed bullshit and flashbacks.
This episode is called Blazing A New Trail. Since the Brownklownz are in Colorado I’m guessing it was a different kind of blazing 😉
Let’s get started! The Brownklownz try and keep Mr. Crapcake from getting into the car. He doesn’t know how lucky he is.
Next, Asa spends five minutes telling us what we’re going to see in the next two hours. Why? We’re watching the Godamn show why do we need to be prepared for shit that’s going to be on shortly?
So, 8-weeks ago according to this episode, we see Bum, Bore, and ‘Desperately Seeking Attention’ AcidRain. They are bored because mom has cancer and they have nothing to do. AcidRain must be having withdrawals not posting on Social Media for more than ten minutes.
…And it begins, the fucking flashbacks. Bullshit from seasons past scroll by as Bilky narrates.
Back in Kaliforny, the three chuds continue talking about moving to Colorado. Doesn’t matter. I’m sure Bum will move wherever Allison tells him and NoDuh will most likely end up living in an empty refrigerator box behind some bar in some unfortunate city somewhere.
Bilky tells his chuds how great it is to be uneducated and unemployed. They don’t have a schedule or a boss or anything stupid like that! They live their wonderful life grifting from place to place, never having anything of value or substance to call their own. Did Bilky ever stop and think that maybe this Joe Dirt lifestyle might fit him but that his chuds might have larger dreams and aspirations than living day to day off scraps?
He believes it’s a terrible thing for parents to raise their kids with jobs and homes and education. Who needs that shit?
Now it’s Mutt’s camera time. They show some unseen bullshit featuring him in Browntown making a peanut butter sandwich to hold in one hand and a flaming sword in the other. Someone, please get this guy some help. Or not, I don’t really care.
Next, Scami tells the chuds the story of how right after Bilky married her when she was fifteen he took her to Colorado. That’s where they fell in love with the forest. For some reason this leads to us seeing MORE unseen bullshit from when Bore was ‘cleaning’ up Browntown. He shows us the mechanical bull they built as a prop for when Bilky’s daughter, Twyla, from his first wife came to the filming location looking for a paycheck.
Bore tries telling us it’s a Browntown treasure. He gets on it and starts acting like a six-year old… Which is better than the four-year old he usually acts like. It’s broken and doesn’t work but he hams it up for the fawning middle-aged house fraus that drool over this challenged man-child. It’s embarassing, even for him. It looks like the poor dumb bastard is trying to impregnate a 55-gallon drum. Sadly, it’s probably the most action he’s had since he found that sock.
On a side note, is the show slowly becoming all about Bore? He got a TON of camera time this episode. I guess since Bum, Wolverine, and NoDuh are apparently leaving this shitshow, ParkSlop needs to find a new annoying chud to focus on. I guess they’re hoping for a spin-off or something to keep those checks coming in!
Sit back and enjoy twelve minutes of more flashback bullshit, mostly showing how ParkSlop got them the SS Grifter to pursue their bullshit hauling business in seasons past.
OK, now we’re back to some new foo… Nope, more unseen footage. In this segment, they let Acidrain drive the boat. Knowing her it was Instagram’d about ten minutes later. AcidRain tries telling us that she was born on a boat, yet in seasons past, Scami said she she was born in a hospital and they named her after stuff they saw on the windshield on the way to the hospital. Man, the story seems to change whenever it’s convenient to spin their bullshit tales. Truth be told, I’ll bet they’ve told so many bullshit stories about their lives they can’t remember what really happened.
More bullshit about Bilky and his boat captaining skillz. Snore.
OK, NOW maybe some new stuff? Well, here’s Wolverine and Mutt sitting on the porch. They complain there’s nothing to do. Gee, why not get a fucking JOB and move forward with your life! Jesus Christ I’ve never heard unemployed people talk so much about being bored in my life! What, did they expect sitting on their asses with no education or demonstrable skills would be wildly entertaining?
After more flashbacks, we get some ne… Wait, no, more flashbacks. Previous hunting trips, blah blah blah.Bilky talks about how he likes to hunt, which most likely involves sitting on his ass in a warm house while his dull-witted chuds provide food for him. I’ve never seen this asshole hunt, yet he talks like he’s friggin’ Ted Nugent.
In some never-before-seen bullshit footage, Mutt uses deer antlers to put knobs on the cabin they didn’t build and only occasionally go into when filming requires it.
Back to the Bore Show. He’s building a hammock. Bore claims he can’t do anything except run fast and look good doing it. Good Lord. Too bad being Ek-SHTREEM doesn’t pay the bills, but acting like a jackass on a 3rd rate TV show does.
Now Asa lectures us on how the Brownklownz are so eco-friendly they re-use everything. Bore compares the Brownklownz to the ancient Egyptians. That’s like comparing a dog’s asshole to Prime Rib. These delusional chuds really do have an inflated sense of self worth. I haven’t seen narcissism like this since the last episode!
Now it’s BirdBrain’s turn for five minutes of camera time. She again compares them to the Egyptians as the move a log about twenty feet along the ground.
Bum speaks one of the most honest things ever said on the show. He said they know how to do a lot of things carpentry related, but they don’t know how to do them correctly… Except for Bilky. Bum claims Bilky is classically trained in the art of construction, just like he’s trained in the art of authoring Children’s books and skippering a boat.
Jesus more flashbacks of how Bore built a treehouse to live in. A fucking thirty-year old man living in a treehou… Oh wait, they don’t live there. I’m sure he’s more comfortable at the Belaggio or The Beverly Hills Hotel.
He waxes on and on about his super cool knot. Dad taught him well in that he learned if you fuck something up, make it sound like you meant to do it. He decides to build a rope swing and ties the end into a messy, tangled web of failure. However, he claims it’s what he calls an Ek-SHTREEM knot! He flubs his way through made up bullshit about how it’s a regular knot with other knots tied in the middle then braided and… Just stop.
It fails miserably, or succeeds wildly… Depending on your perspective.
Apparently another spinoff idea is a cooking show featuring Bore and Margaret Fuller-shits. He claims that she is a great chef and should have her own restaurant based on the fine dining cuisine she makes from Rice Chex cereal and Goldfish Crackers mixed in a bowl. Jesus Christ, what are we watching? Bore claims it would taste better if it were on fire.
Oh wait, they’re going to make a pie. Surely this will highlight the skills needed to be a restaurant owning chef. Nope, they mix blueberries and strawberries and pour it onto a pie crust. My GOD, the culinary skills on display are staggering! Martha Stewart is probably shitting her Depends seeing her empire being threatened by the one-two culinary punch of Bore and Margaret Fuller-shits.
In more unseen bullshit, Bilky gives Scami a knife for their anniversary. What year is cutlery? Scami says she knows what to do with the knife. If I were her I’d slit my wrists and escape this bullshit.
OK, now on to the second hour of the Bullshit Show. Again, we see Bore doing mundane chores acting like his life has purpose. He takes out the trash and jumps on it like a chimp.
Oh boy, here’s Bilky laying it on thick as he tells us there’s a lot of blood, sweat, and tears that built Browntown. Well, someone ELSE’s I imagine, not theirs.
The Brownklownz, minus NoDuh and Wolverine, plan their trip to Colorado to look at some magic land that just happened to fall into Bilky’s lap. They pack up an old broken down RV and head on out.
Wouldn’t you know it, the RV doesn’t have AC and BirdBrain knocks over the only big fan.
Here comes the bullshit ‘fish-out-of-water’ sequence where the Brownklownz act all amazed and mesmerized at the big city lights of Vegas. What, didn’t you see them the numerous times you’ve been there already? BirdBrain asks if it’s always this hot in Vegas and if they’ll get Rewards Points if they stay at the Bellagio again.
As the temperature rises, Scami must pull over and rest. They stay at a hotel that looks nothing like what they are used to when visiting Vegas.
As they leave the hotel, Bore decides to ruin the pool for the other guests by jumping in it with his clothes on. With his FRIGGIN’ CLOTHES ON! What a Goddamn scuzbucket. Can you imagine the trail of dirt, garbage, and shit that fell off of him while wading across the pool?
Scami has to pull over again. Other than that, nothing interesting happens for ten minutes.
Big surprise, more Bore and BirdBrain. This time they’re on the roof of the RV frying an egg to show how hot it is. BirdBrain recreates a scene from Flashdance as she pours bottled water over her head because it’s SOOOO hot. Next the girlz show up with a bucket of water balloons and act spontaneous by throwing them at Bore, who horribly overreacts and hits his sisters HARD with water balloons he picked up off the ground.
Next they tell us about Wolverine who is sad and doesn’t want to be on the this shitshow anymore. Good for him! He doesn’t need this bullshit. He has a great career ahead of him as an Instagram nobody or professional starer-at-things.
Oh boy! Here comes NoDuh! He finally limped his broken down shitbox to Colorado to be with his muh and duh. Still no mention of where Rhain (spelled differently of course) is at, although anyone with a clue knows that she’s right there with him. As is Allison with Bum.
Finally, the reunited chuds cram into their small Class-C RV and head to their new home! Yeah! As they drive they are disappointed that there isn’t a lot of trees and forest around.
When they arrive, they claim it’s everything they’ve ever dreamed of… Just like the first half dozen or so places you found to squat at over the years until you lost everything, woe is me, have to start over again.
Bore walks through the forest and rubs scat on him so he can smell like his surroundings and feel at home. He searches for a tree so he can have ParkSlop build him another tree house for filming next season (if there is one). I think it’s pretty sad that the only dreams and aspirations of this ‘man’ in his thirties is to live in a tree house next to his muh and duh.
Mutt builds a grasshopper catcher to show us how bush he is by hunting for food. Yeah right. I bet ten minutes after ParkSlop yelled “CUT” he was nose-deep into a Denny’s Grand Slam.
Next, AcidRan and BirdBrain talk about their house. AcidRain doesn’t want to live with BirdBrain and her parents. She decides she’s going to build her own house. Yep, an uneducated fourteen year old Instagram dud is going to build herself a house… in Colorado. I hope they also build a spa.
NoDuh doesn’t like it. He complains it’s hot, while at the same time wearing long black pants with a long black shirt and a black hat. Get ready for his big career decision after the break!
Oh boy, here goes Bore again challenging a real bear with all of his massive five-foot nothing frame. He will be missed.
Back to Mutt. He thinks he needs protection (from what I have NO idea) so he makes a spear?!?! It’s basically a branch he found on the ground and made a dull point at one end. Oh Christ, Mutt’s wearing a man bun.
NoDuh and Bum walk to the edge of a cliff and unfortunately stop. He asks NoDuh where he wants to build his house. He says he doesn’t want to live here as he found someone else to tell him what to do. NoDuh is all bloated and out of shape. Shackin’ up with The Night Stalker must be filling!
The Parents Of The Year brag about how they’ve been married 38 years and have absolutely nothing to show for it except a mountain of bullshit and seven dumb chuds that will be nothing but a drain on society for the rest of their lives.
Thank God there’s a commercial break. The Charmin Bears talking about wiping their ass is immensely more entertaining than what I’ve been watching on Discoverup for the last two hours.
NoDuh breaks the news to his muh and duh that he wants to be the Sheriff of a small town. WOW! A Sheriff! Let’s see, it’s an elected position and you never went to school, have no diploma, never held a job in your life other than being a self absorbed douche-nozzle on a third-rate reality show that is total bullshit…You should have NO trouble convincing people to vote for you, give you a gun, and putting you in charge of law enforcement! I laughed so fucking hard when he said that. At least he already has the spurs.
NoDuh says he decided this after hearing voices in his head telling him to become a cop… Or a man that drives a choo-choo train.
At the end, most of the Brownklownz say goodbye and thank you to their fans. Wolverine is missing. Let’s hope and PRAY that this is the last we see of these shitstains. They pose for one last photo. Thankfully, online you can find pictures that were taken after the cameras were off and look… There’s Rhain and Allison! How come they weren’t mentioned during this ‘reality’ show episode?
On a serious note, we sincerely wish Ami the best during her treatments and hope all things related go well.
So, until next season (if there is one), we say MORE… Bullshit!