Well, here we are again. Another season of Alaskan Bullshit People. I was a little worried that this season might be based more in ‘reality’ than the sea of lies and deceit we’ve seen over the past seasons. This concern came from the fact that almost all of the ParkSlop people are new and there is a growing number of websites, pages, and social media outlets documenting their den of lies. But fear not… It’s the same old bullshit, different location.
Let me preface by saying that some of the information here was found by doing cursory social media searches and public groups keeping track of their shenanigans in Loomis and during the off season. Also, I’ve switched photo editing software so the meme quality may take some getting used to.
In the opening scene, NoDuh is not pleased with the mosquitoes that live in Browntowm 5.0 and invents a top-hat that activates a bug zapper. I shit you not, this is an actual ‘invention’ intended to showcase the brilliance of this uneducated and chronically unemployed chud.
It looks official with a drawing and wordz and stuff. As usual, the dumbass shocks himself while building it. In the end it will end up like all his other ‘inventions’… Thrown out in a dumpster in town.
Let’s see if the opening narration has any truth to it. Well, yes and no. Now instead of the usual bullshit about being lost and remote for thirty years and only recently ‘discovered’, Asa the narrator just sez, “These are Alaskan Bullshit People.”
First we see Bilky and Scami and only a few of their chuds driving up to some land Bilky somehow got in exchange for salmon. In a flashback they talk about how Scami somehow went from stage-4 lung cancer to totally cured! WOW! Even with Bilky still smoking she somehow managed to go from nearly terminal to totally cancer free! Praise Jeebus.
This marks the 5th or 6th time this vagabond band of grifters has lost everything and had to start over. As they trudge up the mountain, we learn that… OH NO’S! It’s a long, deadly climb up the road and there’s snow! Maybe they should hire the Ice Road Truckers!
Thankfully the road is really only slightly worse than any road in Detroit and they are able to make it with only slight discomfort.
Along the way, Bilky dumps numerous wooden poles on the road. It’s OK, the production crew will bring them up when they bring the rest of the supplies you mysteriously see later in the episode.
Bilky proclaims “It’s a new planet, it’s a new world.” BULL-SHIT! You spend all your time in the lower 48 and have for many, many years! Don’t act like Washington is so fucking new and confusing and Good Lord willing you’ll somehow survive!
When they arrive, the chuds ham it up for the camera and roll around in the snow. Unfortunately there’s no traffic around. Birdbrain eats snow like it’s candy. It’s so phony and un-natural you actually cringe while watching. The chuds take turns sliding down a small hill. At this point I was hoping for a Shark-Week crossover.
Next is Mutt, who decides to hike around the property. Ohhhhhhh-Kayyyyyyy. He stops to show off his bush skills at making coffee… Yep, he takes hikes and drinks coffee. That is SOOOOO Mutt. He strains it through a sock, making sure it’s now 100% lethal.
Now back to Bilky and the chuds. Wait, am I seeing this right? Why are Acidrain and Bore wearing leather pants IN THE SNOW! Man, you really get the sense these foraging mountaineers know what their doing and that they are REALLY going to build these by themselves because they come so well equipped for the job! Leather fucking pants while ‘working’ in the snow. C’mon ParkSlop 2.0, I know the old crew set the bar pretty low but Godamm, couldn’t you strive for a few percent more credibility?
Oh-No’s! What’s this? Scami can’t survive in high altitudes and needs to go back into town? Bilky volunteers to stay with her in the comfort of town… Where the rest of the kids will meet them after filming for the day. So, once again Bilky gives the kids work to do while he disappears.
After the break we see Bum! BUM! Where’ve you been? Oh yeah, he’s been away from the family and only arrived back in Loomis for filming.
Some may argue, but I call complete and total bullshit on the next bit of phony storyline. Bum supposedly brings one of BirdBrain’s cats that she says she hasn’t seen since they left Alaska. Really? Where was the cat stored for the last year while you were all over the southwest? And where the fuck did Bum find it to bring to you? It must have been stored in carbonite in order to survive a ear without any loving care from BirdBrain. I believe this cat was brought in as script fodder so that they could film some tender moments showing how this family LOVES animals so much (that they abandon them for a year). It’s all too coincidental and formulaic the way her ‘missing’ cat suddenly shows up. Sadly, it’s tragically k… Wait, I won’t spoil it or you.
At night, the chuds act like they’re going to sleep in the tent and not at the lodge in the nearby town of Loomis. Disclaimer: Numerous public pages and groups have reported the lodge where they were staying. Google it.
Wait… Where’s Bore? Did he take the night off to meet NoDuh at Hot Topic to buy more bush leather pants?
The next day, the chuds decide to fix the road. Miraculously, they have a shitload of cut lumber just for such a task. Didn’t see that on Bilky’s truck when they were dropped off. As they drive in Bum’s truck, Mutt debates Gaybe as to the proper annunciation of the word “oasis.” Mutt looks really fucked up in this scene. He’s all slurred speech (more than usual) and his eyes look barely open. Poor dumb bastard.
Gaybe has the unfortunate luck of being born a Brownklown… No wait, in this instance it’s the unfortunate luck of being seated between Mutt and Bum as they argue about the shit-stupidest things. Reminds me of a movie I saw that was probably a more realistic portrayal of the Brownklownz than this shitshow.
Sadly, they arrive safely at the location where they begin fixing the road. More arguing and complaining. Nothing to see here.
Bore, taking a tip from dear ol’ dad, doesn’t help out with the road repair. He instead ‘scouts the area’. For what? To find out where the nearest pizza joint is at? He utilizes his minuscule 5-foot nothing frame and runs and tumbles in the most extreme of ways, making him the envy of every 3rd grader in the country.
He finds a tree that he says was scratched by a cougar. I don’t think this idiot would know a cougar if it came up and bit him. Please let this be how he finds out what a cougar is and not by meeting the ‘other’ type.
Back to Mutt and Bum arguing about the road repairs. Just throw some Godamn lumber on the ground and yell ‘CUT!’ ‘cuz no one believes you chuds are really doing any road repair work of any significance or importance. I’m sure someone on the construction crew went back and un-fucked the slop these two idiots put down.
After the break… Oh No’s! BirdBrain’s cat that ‘came from Alaska’ yet somehow survived a year on it’s own only to show up just in time for filming got hit by a car! Wait, ParkSlop is trying to convince us that this place is SO remote and they are up there all alone by themselves, yet some car came out of nowhere on the mountaintop and hit their cat? WTF? Probably hit by a car in town… Where they actually stayed while filming.
Mutt digs a huge hole. It’s much larger than needed for a cat, but hey let’s go along with the bullshit. The chuds talk about the cat like they’ve known it longer than they’ve been filming in Washington. Gaybe gives a touching eulogy which he says, “You kept the mice out of the house and were always there for a quick pet and a cuddle“. Coincidentally, these were also NoDuh’s wedding vows.
BirdBrain cries, Gaybe slurs, and AcidRain looks like she couldn’t give two shits about this scam of a show anymore. I’m sure this segment was meant to elicit sympathy for this poor band of loving grifters that live wild and off the grid!
Next, Bilky finds a trailer for Scami to pretend she will spend more than five minutes in while on the mountain. As they trod on down the road, Bilky gets stuck and once again requires the help of someone hired by the production crew to save his ass. Wait, why is Bilky driving A DIFFERENT truck? What happened to the SUV they hauled the chuds in or the farm truck Bum magically showed up in?
After the trailer is parked, the chuds begin building a deck so that Scami can pretend not to go up the stairs. Gaybe thinks it would be funny if they talked in a Boston accent. His accent is even worse than the usual slurred-speech drivel that comes out of his hole. Hold on… If Scami needs a porch so she doesn’t have to climb steps to get into the trailer, why are there a half dozen HUGE steps needed just to get on the porch! Oh wait, I see there’s a ramp at the other end of the deck. There’s no wheelchair in sight so I guess they’ll just roll her up the ramp like an old rug.
In the short segment, Gaybe complains he’s gotten fat and ‘hires’ AcidRain as his personal trainer. I guess her other careers as Social Media Dud, advice giving person, and production crew gopher fell through? You’d think an uneducated 15-year old that never went to skool would have had tremendous success in any of these endeavors.
Finally, Bilky returns with Scami to show her where she’ll be spending almost no time except for filming. They bounce around the cab of the truck as Bilky maneuvers the shitbox up the mountain. When they arrive, the chuds think it would be funny to pelt them with snowballs. This confuses the Brownklown patriarchs because I’m sure they’re more used to being pelted with things as they LEAVE locations after they’ve scammed and grifted all they could from the angry locals, not pelted upon arrival.
Scami inspects the trailer wh… Wait. Bilky got the trailer in town where he was with Scami. Didn’t she see it then? Oh well who cares.
There’s something interesting in the credits. Notice how the construction team and ancillary crew has increased? Man, for self sufficient people that live off the land they sure need a large construction, safety, and medic crew.
Until next week… MORE! Bullshit.