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Alaskan Bush People Noah Rain pregnant

Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S09-E01 Bull By The Horns

Alaskan Bush People Noah Rain pregnantLooks like a whole new crew for ParkSlop this season, complete with THREE storyline editors and writers. So much for a ‘reality’ show. I guess Discoverup has simply thrown in the towel when it comes to credibility, believability, and actual ‘discovery’ being a part of their network lineup. So, that means the shitshow we know and love (to hate), Alaskan Bullshit People, is back on the air! There is some good news, though. There are only a half dozen episodes in this ‘season’.

As we see shots of what’s going to be featured this season, you notice that there is no mention of Mutt. Even the new ABP splash screen leaves him out. I hope it’s because he realized that he and his family are nothing but laughing stocks and decided life outside the Brownklown cult is much, MUCH better than having to do work for Bilky. Oh, and we also learn that The Night Stalker is pregnant with a chud of their own!

Let’s see what we got going on here in the opening scene. Well, BirdBrain decides she’s going to get closer to her chickens by climbing in the coop and laying down with them. Wow! We are off to a great start! If this season is going to feature such pants-on-head retarded shenanigans as this we are truly in for a treat.

Next, we continue the adventures of Washington Bullshit People living on the scrub-brush Bilky bought close to towns offering Walmart’s and other everyday essentials. It takes only a few seconds and we spot the first bit of bullshit. Asa (the narrator) says the Brownklown’z supplies are quickly dwindling so they need to accelerate their efforts to be self sufficient. I guess they’re going to go with the “Woe is me, winter is coming, need supplies or we’ll starve” storyline… AGAIN! Every week there’s numerous pics of these morons in Walmart, plus they only live a few miles from Loomis, Tonasket, and Omak. If these phonies need supplies for the winter they only need Walmart gift cards donated by gullible fans. Not to worry, though. They spent a good amount of the winter AWAY from that place and headed for the harsh winter of places like Las Vegas! Wait… Who took care of the cows and bulls and chickens while they were away?

Next Bilky drones on and on with the same old bullshit about doing everything themselves. Now he says that cattle are essential to be self sufficient. As opposed to seasons past when water, a wind turbine, a meat shed, and a boat were all needed to be self sufficient but discarded after the final scene for that season was filmed.

Cut to Bitch-Tits and The Night Stalker driving their busted up shitbox to the Brownklown’z new “homestead”. The Night Stalker’s beauty inspires NoDuh to burst out in song. Cover your ears for this medley.

He states that bringing his new wife to the “homestead” is a “Monumentous” occasion. Wow, it’s easy to see that Scami’s home-skoolin’ was a hell of a lot better than a regular book learnin’ skool! No wonder he’s the self proclaimed Duh-Vinci of his time.

NoDuh is excited that she will be joining their cult… I mean FAMILY. He hopes she will be accepted by the others but judging by their reactions to her she is definitely not a welcome addition.

Next, Bilky and Scami go to Tonasket to buy a bull. Again, this is the key ingredient (this season) needed to be self-sufficient. Bilky says that bulls are a good fit for the Brownklownz because they are just like them… They’re dumb, walk around in circles all day doing nothing, and produce a LOT of bullshit.

Cut to AcidRain and BirdBrain washing their clothes by hand. AcidRain is sporting her “I need Attention” haircut. They sit down and talk about how awkward it’s going to be having a new family member. Neither one seems especially happy or excited, they simply scowl when they mention her. Poor BirdBrain is really looking rough. You’d think Bilky would get his daughter’s teeth fixed instead of a buying a bull, but it’s all about what Bilky wants as usual.

Next we see Bum creating a duck pond and adding some geese to it. It seems that Bum has 45 acres of the compound set aside for himself for filming. The topographic map shows where it is located, along with Bitch-Tits’ lab, the tee-pees, and the pond. They should just call the Brownklown area The Shire since the chuds are all Hobbits. To the north we also see Helms Deep and to the south, Mordor. Hey, why not? The rest of this show is bullshit so might as well add some GOOD fiction to the story.

Back at the “homestead”, Bitch-Tits and The Night Stalker elicit help from Gaybe to put up a tent so they can pretend to live there while filming. When it’s done, NoDuh lifts his bride and walks her through the entryway. They then tell Gaybe to leave so he can rub his man-blubber on her. Gaybe looks disgusted, as does the entire audience watching this.

The Night Stalker is visibly pregnant when they filmed this. If you do the math, from the time they got married to the time they had the baby, only six months had passed. This means this God-fearing, strong Christian values family had a son that knocked up some woman and had to marry her. I guess the instructions on the condom package were too hard for this “genius” to figure out. I wonder if this shotgun-wedding will make it into the story line?

Cover your ears for this next vomit inducing scene. Remember a couple paragraphs ago when we saw Gaybe get told to leave so NoDuh can rub his moobs on his bride? Well now we see a shot of the outside of their love tent and we hear NoDuh grunting. You think the worst! Once inside we see it’s NoDuh doing exercises. He states, “I’m a firm believer that no woman hates muscle.” They DO however hate men that are uneducated, unemployed, and have an overly inflated sense of self worth, but that’s neither here nor there. They show a montage of him barely doing anything remotely physical. He does three pull-ups that aren’t really pull-ups because he only extends downward about six inches before lumbering his massive frame back up. He says he wants to be a monster. Well, he’s already a chud so a monster shouldn’t be too hard. After his twenty second work out he sits and meditates.

In true Brownklown tradition, Bilky takes his chuds for a walk and explains to them that they need to do work and provide for him by building a corral for the bull and upcoming cows while he disappears. They begin clearing land but Bum quickly becomes uninterested and leaves to tend to his geese.

Next we see Bore running around the property because he supposedly heard the bull getting restless, which means there’s a predator on the property! They try and convince us it’s a cougar. I hardly think they would send him out run around the perimeter if they really thought there was a cougar in the area, no matter how ‘Ek-Shtreem’ it was.

Next the chuds get busy building Bilky’s corral for the bull and soon to be arriving cows. Bum continues working on a mobile coop for the ducks. Not sure why it needs to be mobile. Enough about him, let’s get back to the chuds building the corral. Uh-oh’s! NoDuh decided to skip out and take a walk to Bum’s duck pond while he is back helping with the corral. Apparently he wants to steal a duck so The Night Stalker can make soup. WTF? Really? Just go to Walmart! Not to worry I’m sure they used a store-bought duck and didn’t actually harm one of Bum’s ducks since de-feathering and gutting it would have required effort. He lumbers around trying to catch one of the ducks or the turkey that’s there.

Now for a touching moment. Gaybe is confused about his feelings for a woman he met that (according to numerous groups and sites) is older than him and has two kids. He consults Bilky about what he should do. I’m sure Bilky would rather see him marry a 15-year old like he did, but he decides that if she has money they can ‘borrow’ or has something else that will benefit Bilky, he should go for it.

After the break, Gaybe visits NoDuh in his ‘lab’ where he continues to invent useless shit that nobody needs, wants, or uses. He wants his brother’s help because thanks to Scami’s home skoolin’, he ain’t learnt nuthin ’bout writing fancy words. He asks NoDuh to teach him how to write a letter to a girl that doesn’t begin with “Send Money.”

BirdBrain and AcidRain decide to start building the corral by themselves because in true Bilky Brownklown fashion, the men are nowhere around when work is to be done.

Back at NoDuh’s love shack, Bitch-Tits makes a grill so The Night Stalker could make her duck soup. The family is invited to eat dinner with them but only Bore, AcidRain, and Bum make the trek. The others seem to be repulsed by NoDuh’s love interest. BirdBrain explains that she stayed behind because she didn’t want to go since The Night Stalker was there.

Once the work on the corral is done, Bilky and Scami arrive in time to watch the cows show up. The cows are needed so the bull can breed. Why not just buy cows then do artificial insemination on th… Wait, that would be sensible and not fit into Bilky’s delusional un-self sustaining lifestyle.

When the bull enters the corral with the cows, it gets excited. Bore says the bull does just what he does when he’s excited… Rolls around in the dirt and sharpens his horns on tree trunks.

In the ‘short’ segment (Pffffft… Short!) we see Bore, BirdBrain, and AcidRain bowling on a makeshift alley using produce. Doesn’t self-sufficient mean not wasting your fucking food on stupid bowling games! But hey, let’s just go with the bullshit.

Next, NoDuh and The Night Stalker decide to tell his parents that she’s pregnant. Oh yeah, like they couldn’t fucking tell from the massive bump under her shirt and NoDuh’s engorged breasts! Scami and Bilky act like they’re really not too thrilled about this news. They put on a show, but it’s really forced. NoDuh then decides to tell the rest of the chuds. BirdBrain looks like she really hates them both right now. Bore is confused and at first thinks he’ll be a chud-in-law, then corrects himself and says ‘Uncle’.

In the scenes for next week, we see the phony buffalo hunt they go on (you’ll find out later) and see NoDuh building a home for his bride and future chud.

So that’s it. One down and only a couple more to go in this short (tee-hee) season of Alaskan Bullshit People!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

13 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S09-E01 Bull By The Horns

  1. Heyyy Beavis! 🙂 Good to see your sarcasm in full swing again! Spot-on! What a freakin’ HOT MESS this season is!

  2. It’s all good, but my favorite was your answer to Billy saying that the bulls were a good fit because they are just like them. Your response was priceless, “They’re dumb, walk around in circles all day doing nothing, and produce a LOT of bullshit.”

  3. Thanks all for the kind words. I know last season I had to take a break after the first episode but will try my damnedest to get one for each of these episodes. MORE! 😉

    PS – As a B-Movie / Horror fan I was hoping people would get the It’s ALIVE and Rosemarys Baby movie titles on the Knocked Up DVD box. I thought it was a fitting comparison to NoDuh and Ruth having a baby.

    1. Who could blame you for taking a break from this crapfest. Way to take one for the team. Really brilliant writing. I had many lol moments

  4. Glad to see you back my friend. The recap was, as usual, priceless. Watching the morons write a letter to a girl was most definitely the highlight of this weeks show. Your take on the scene was the best, I laughed hard at that.

    The harder they try, the more insane it appears, bulls and breeding and ducks and pregnant girlfriends and children who should be hidden in the attic but can’t because there is no attic and on and on and on and on….

    The ‘West Coast Mountain Grifters’ has gotten to be the biggest weekly joke on the American television viewer. And yet we watch it because, well, just because….

    And I noticed the ‘story’ writers credits also, they must sneak into the woods every night to hit the bong and sniff the glue before writing the next scene…

    Looking forward to many more recaps and belly laughs…

    more…

  5. And BTW, as always, I really enjoy the photos of the churls that you post in the recap. You are very creative, and have a sharp sense of humor.

    1. Thank you ToNo we’re working on more recaps now. Also we have a new contributor coming so look for their stuff as well! 🙂

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