Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S09-E02 The Buffalo Trail

Alaskan Bush People buffalo hunt

Alaskan Bush People buffalo huntWell, it seems the bullshit is still chest-high this episode, and only seems to be getting larger with each lie-filled week. But hey, if the show had an ounce of honesty we wouldn’t have anything to make fun of, right? So, let’s dive helmet first into this disgusting episode of Alaskan Bullshit People!

In the opening scene, Bore takes Gaybe around the property to scout an area for his new house, which he wants to build out of shipping containers. Why is Bore kinda dressed like the chick from Resident Evil? A long red coat with no shirt on underneath? Jesus Christ.

In the previews for this episode, Bore and BirdBrain go on a phony buffalo hunt while NoDuh builds a bullshit, non-functioning meat locker to hold the massive amount of buffalo meat that is scripted hopefully coming back to feed the compound.

Asa the narrator tells us these grifting buffoons have been living on hunting and fishing for the last several decades. How can that be when their fishing activities were suspended in Alaska and they still have unpaid outstanding judgements for their illegal fishing activities?

Bilky tells us that he knows a rancher that has a lot of buffalo and needs to thin the herd to control population. What luck! In preparation, Bum takes AcidRain and BirdBrain out for target practice. AcidRain gets the closest to the bullseye… At least I think it’s a bullseye it’s hard to tell from the hellishly undecipherable target they draw.

Cut to NoDuh at a junk yard. He wants a large fan to create a meat locker for the massive amount of meat the will need to survive the harsh winter… In Las Vegas! This provides plenty of head-slappingly frustrating bullshit that comes from the story producers of this shitshow.

Back in the bush, Gaybe cleans his teeth with a toilet brush and gets all dolled up in preparation to have his girlfriend, Rockwell, visit the compound. He met her and her two variety-pack kids while Scami was getting her treatments. AcidRain helps him pick out clothes. He tries an assortment of wife-beaters fresh from one of their numerous visits to Walmart in town.

“I can stare down 13-foot grizzly bears and not think much of it.” Really? A 13-foot grizzly bear? I see you’ve been reading your father’s bullshit book and taking notes. Wait, I mean someone ELSE is reading it TO you.

Meanwhile NoDuh waxes retardringly for longer than needed so he can explain to us simpletons how his meat locker is going to (not) work. He’s going to use giant fans to blow cold air from a mine shaft into a wooden meat locker. First, let’s expose the dumb-fuckery of his plan. A mine shaft, for the first hundred or so feet, will product air that is about the same temperature as the surrounding area above ground. The deeper and further you go into a MINE SHAFT, the HOTTER it gets! The air will be insignificantly cooler coming from the mine entrance than it would be coming from a fan sitting on the surface. But hey, since when has NoDuh invented anything that remotely works or is used past the next episode?

BirdBrain gives Bum some lessons on how to take care of her chickens and animals while she’s away on her tethered buffalo massacre… Sorry, I mean legitimate Buffalo hunt! He does not seem like he is into any kind of filming with the family this season. He also seems to be quite short and snappy with BirdBrain.

The next morning the chuds put on their Sunday best leather outfits and prepare for hunting buffalo. For some reason Bilky and Scami drive them there. Why? Those two useless turds aren’t going to help or assist in any way! They build a campsite and pretend like they are going to sleep there overnight. Scami tells them to save the liver because she really wants to taste buffalo liver. I guess WalMart meat or room service at the Bellagio isn’t sating her desire? BTW, is it just me or is Scami turning into WitchiePoo from HR Pufnstuf?

Back to NoDuh making his bullshit meat locker that will never do anything to keep any piece of meat cool. The project is a waste of time and money, much like the show. He turns it on and it blows hot, dusty air onto his bulbous mass. He claims it’s working better than he thought it would.

Back to the rest of the chuds in Bilky’s new SUV. They pitch tents and pretend like Bilky and Scami are actually going to spend the night in a tent and not in town. It was nice of ParkSlop to get some intern to wheel out WitchiePoo so they could try and make it at least LOOK like she does anything ‘bush’ anymore.

They have a cookout which looks thoroughly disgusting. Bore explains that it’s really cool to get back to how they REALLY live. How? In towns and hotels? BTW, What’s up with his neck? He’s getting as bad as AcidRain. I think they share the same neck. I’ve never seen both their necks in the same shot.

The next morning, the chuds crawl out of their tents and splash water on their faces. Bilky and Bore head to the rancher to set up the staged bullshit buffalo ‘hunt’ for this episode. Bilky convinces him to let him use his loader to get the buffalo out. Back at the campsite, Gaybe and AcidRain have colds. Oh-No’s!

BirdBrain feels bad that she will have to take the shot and not AcidRain, who won the shooting contest earlier. So it’s up to Bore and BirdBrain to feed the family for the whole winter. Seriously, is anyone believing for one second that these assclowns don’t get all their food in town from a grocery store?

Now for the tender moment of the show we see NoDuh and the Night Stalker taking time out to fish so they can eat that night! I guess the fish in Washington are made of Ho-Ho’s and Snickerdoodle’s because NoDuh has more chins than a Chinese phone book! If he really had to eat only the food they caught themselves he’d have been dead after the pilot episode.

NoDuh apologizes to The Night Stalker because he’s a work-a-holic. Not quite, Bitch-tits. You see, working means actually producing something that benefits you or someone else’s situation or needs. What you do is waste space, resources, and oxygen that could otherwise be used by a competent and productive member of society.

The Night Stalker plays her flute to attract the fish. They eventually catch a fish that will feed them through 3PM that day. Thankfully there’s a Pizza Hut in town.

Back at the farm, Bum feeds BirdBrain’s animals. But enough about him. Let’s watch BirdBrain and Bore ‘track’ a buffalo. We see shots of small herds of buffalo roaming around near them, which makes the actual kill situation questionable.

They scope out the herd but claim they can’t tell which ones are male and female. BirdBrain says the telltale signs of a male buffalo are that “Their head’s a little bigger and they have a bigger mane”… Wouldn’t it be easier to look for the 3-feet of BUFFALO CRANK hanging down from their nether-regions! Jesus Christ if it weren’t for staged hunts and Walmart these assholes would starve. Why not just wait for the rancher to chain one up all alone in a clearing to make sure you kill the right one? Oh wait, that’s what they probably did.

Back to Bitch-tits building the meat locker. He complains that Bum was supposed to help him put up the roof but he didn’t show up. We then watch five minutes of a moron trying to put lumber on the roof by himself. Bum shows up and in true Bum fashion, he complains and gets a all passive-aggressive regarding NoDuh’s construction methods. Bum really couldn’t give two shits about this family or this show anymore, just like us.

Back to the hunt. Asa tells us they find a herd to track and follow until they can spot the male. Whoah, what’s this? luckily there’s ONE buffalo all alone in a clearing. What happened to the herd? The buffalo notices them but doesn’t move very far or fast, almost as if he’s chained there to make it easier for these asswipes to kill it for their bullshit “winter survival”.  Wait, they couldn’t tell a male from a female in a herd of fifty, but can spot the sex of this buffalo from 80-yards out!

I’ll sum up the hunt by saying I’m convinced it’s a fake, bullshit, staged event. Oh, the buffalo was killed, but it wasn’t ‘hunted’. It looked like it was placed as a prop so that a bullshit family on a bullshit TV show can pretend that they need this to survive the winter and that they rely on BirdBrain’s hunting skills to keep them fed. Reprehensible assholes… Both the Brownklownz AND ParkSlop!

In the ‘short’ segment (Pfffft… SHORT!) BirdBrain gets out the car and tries to pet sheep. The sheep wisely run away from her and the family.

Back to the fake ‘hunt’. BirdBrain shoots the lethargic buffalo and sends Bore out to get Bilky and the ‘borrowed’ front loader to haul the animal out. For some reason the scenery surrounding the buffalo at the time it was shot changes to flattened scrub brush. The belly on the buffalo also looks bloated. It’s as if it was later moved to a staging area more advantageous to promote the storyline of a ‘hunt’ and Bilky’s involvement! Oh well, cut to action shots of Bore running back to ‘Da’.

Back at the compound, The Night Stalker brings NoDuh some dinner. He talks again about how hard working he is. It’s becoming evident that no one in the family can stand The Night Stalker because in this episode there is NO interaction between her and any of the other family members.

Bilky shows up with the front loader. Wait… How convenient there’s a road right there! What about those action shots of Bore running through miles of briars and brambles to get to the ‘campsite’?

They haul the bloated carcass (No, not NoDuh) back to somewhere you never see. Thank God this episode is over. Just when you think the Brownklown’z can’t get any assholey-er, along comes another bullshit scripted phony storyline from the half dozen “writers” for this show. Let’s do our best to ensure these people are unemployed next year.

In the previews for next weeks bullshit packed episode we see Bore cleaning the family dog, Gaybe. It appears they also prop up ScamiPoo and use her as a scarecrow.

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

4 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S09-E02 The Buffalo Trail

  1. The Great All American Buffalo Hunt of 2019 !!! I agree, the whole mess was staged to look like the idiots actually hunted the buffalo. I kept cheering the buffalo on, “Turn around and kill those two chumps, their weapons are not loaded and they haven’t a clue what to do if we charge them !”

    And of course Bear was telling someone/no one during the hunt that the buffalo were running over the ridge so we cannot take a shot, yet the next scene the buffalo are still standing there, munching grass, like the trained brainless animals they are. And you just know the buffalo they shot was a cardboard cutout set up in the field. Rewind and watch it drop, yeah, you see it now, don’t ya…

    And of course you got to have a dead buffalo to make the whole episode at least 2% credible. I am assuming the poor thing got a whiff of Bear and Bird and dropped dead from inhaling the moron’s acute, bad, body odor.

    Watching the tub of rancid lard called Noah doing anything is getting to be a family tradition here at my house. We pause the show, gather the kids, make popcorn and then watch as he tries valiantly to no avail to prove he has a brain and a good life, when in actuality he has a snail’s brain and a horrible life. We high five all around and then the kids go back to their studies and chores, silently chuckling at what this idiot and his wife and family will be doing in 5 years from now. LIVING DOWN BY THE RIVER IN A VAN !!! (cue the family laughter)…

    Great recap as always, thanks so much for a much needed laugh !


      1. Long story, short reply…

        On my website (Reality Observer) where I recapped this idiotic show, I also had references/stories to murders committed in my old hometown. I started to get some real negative comments and even threats against me threatening legal action, and harm to myself, from some of the people who either didn’t like the stories, or were actually involved in the stories. Strange because everything I wrote was readily accessable on the internet for ages. Go figure. The comments I got from the ABP recaps were all positive…

        Rather than deal with the trolls, I just removed the site, the FB page, and decided to give it a break. Hence the EX…

        Still watch the show, would love to assist you in your recaps if you want, I’ll write, you take the copy and edit to your desire, don’t even want the credit, can have a copy in your inbox the next day after episode airs…


  2. Brilliant recap! I am just stunned how this ridiculous show has stayed on the air. Talk about the dumming down of America. Of course at this point the whole season was probably shot in a few days for the cost of a few pizzas and warm beer. Ugh! I feel so much less about myself after I waste time watching this crap.

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