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Alaskan Bush People Noah chainsaw

Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S09-E04 Mountain Emergency

Please join me in welcoming Reality Observer to our ABP recap section. Since my time is scattered (at best) he has generously offered to provide some additional and more timely episode recaps. He has been doing recaps on his old website for years and has been a comment contributor on this site for many seasons. So please, enjoy Reality Observer‘s take on this episode and help welcome him aboard! PS – I am still doing the memes, RO is doing the hard part 🙂

Alaskan Bush People Noah chainsawCue the Banjo music as we slide into another weak adventure at the Northstar Ranch (aka ‘the dump’), as the ‘Washington Mountain Misfits’ , the ‘West Coast Hillside Idiots’ , the ‘Alaskan Bullshit People’ get their mojo on, and the BS warmed up, for yet another highly unlikely fantasy from delusional minds and slick producers.

BirdBrain and AcidRain are playing with the goats (or the other way around), when AcidRain makes the astute observation that their little female goat, named ‘Bambi’, has a dick and balls. After what, 5 weeks? The goat now all at once tries to mate with the female goats and AcidRain proclaims that is all wrong. Didn’t Scami teach these girls animal husbandry with sticks and rocks at one time? Must have forgot.

The Night Stalker and NoDuh without a clue are in their tent (courtesy of Bass Pro Shops™), when she shows NoDuh that the milk is frozen. They hop to and start getting ready for the big freeze that is right around the corner. Asa announces in his best worried drawl that they are at ‘winter’s doorstep’. So the two tent dwellers tape some shiny NASA space blankets to their little bed and all is good. NoDuh goes on to explain, to no one in particular, what with winter coming and a baby on the way, it may be a good idea to provide adequate shelter for his bulbous horrid body and whoever else. And for some reason all the foodstuffs on the shelves are blurred out. What are they afraid of? Getting sued by ‘Pop Tarts™’ and ‘Lucky Charms™’?

Time to watch Gaybe cut and split some wood… That’s enough…

Now we watch The Night Stalker and NoDuh look at an old semi trailer abandoned somewhere and NoDuh says this would make a great home. Lucky girl that Night Stalker.

Headshot of Bilky droning on about how the ‘kids’ have to start getting along, and helping one another, because he and his squeeze “Ain’t gonna be here forever”… Gospel according to Bilky 17:21.

BirdBrain and AcidRain are out scouring the countryside looking for the perfect homesites to build their new shanties. After a long, hard, look around of about 5 seconds, they have made their choice. Well, BirdBrain has, AcidRain is left to stand stage left as BirdBrain crows on and on about her new lean to, which will last about 4 months the way these morons build stuff. BirdBrain says she wants to live among the wild uneducated animals (isn’t she already?), and wants to have squirrels and little birds as neighbors. She left out the spiders, raccoons, lice, crabs, etc etc. I can just see the squirrels’ and birds’ For Sale signs popping up in that section of the woods.

Over at the local trailer park, Bilky and Scami are sitting inside watching the ‘Green Acres’ episode where Oliver and Eb and Arnold Ziffel try to eat Lisa’s hotcakes, when Gaybe shows up and says he has a ‘serious’ announcement to make. He proudly says he and Rockwell (no last name) are going to get married! Didn’t this happen last week with Rockwell in the room, too? Whatever, Bilky starts his long ramble, as Scami falls asleep, about how his 30 year old son, who can barely read or write, might not be ready for marriage. Bilky Gospel 8:15. Scami wakes from her coma and adds her 1/2 cents, “Meant to happen, blah blah blah”.

Bore and Gaybe get together in the woods, and Bore starts teasing Gaybe about his upcoming nuptials. Which isn’t really too hard to do, as Gaybe knows nothing about women, working for a living, proper hygiene, how to talk, how to dress, etc etc. Gaybe mentions to Bore that he needs to get married in a week. Gaybe and Bore get busy making benches for the cultists to sit on when the Jump the Broom, or Soot for Luck, or Chop Chop, or Hurl & Fling ceremony commences… Your choice.

Now Bore sounds off about himself getting married, extreme style, no one cares and no one is listening. Gaybe asks Bore to be his Best Chud at the wedding and Bore accepts, and then talks about how he doesn’t have a clue what to do as a best man. Kind of matches his cluelessness at everything else in life.

Back to NoDuh talking about his M.A.S.H. tent, and how the M.A.S.H. tent is good for now, but soon the M.A.S.H. tent will need to be replaced. Ok, we get it brainiac, you watched M.A.S.H at some point in your feeble, miserable, pathetic life. Trying to raise a baby in a M.A.S.H tent isn’t particularly a good idea he says, let’s build a castle! Even worse idea.

But first, he gets to work on another completely stupid ‘invention’, he rips apart a perfectly good (and apparently new) power tool, fixes a circular saw blade to it, and says it will be great to cut trees with. Hey, Einstein, ever hear of a chainsaw? BirdBrain sashays up to the Bum estate (aka the trash pile), and coyly asks if he will help her with her new ‘BirdBrain Treehouse’. He seems to have forgotten all the trouble she caused with the bees last week as he jumps on board. I gather his meds have kicked in and he will agree to basically anything.

First commercial starts with a ‘picture in a picture’ format with the unashamed advertiser’s commercial selling garbage, while in the background, little and well known facts appear about where the Brownklown cultists live. Rather strange, thought I’d throw that out there. What are we to watch ? The ads or the trivia?

Bore runs around in his sister’s long red coat looking for a place to live, then explains with rocks (momma would be proud) how he is going to build his new house with shipping containers. Then he is off running wild again till apparently the drugs wears off. Gaybe and Bore are now discussing the wedding arch that needs to be made. Gaybe is now wearing glasses, looks very GQ. He draws something that looks more like a crematorium than anything else.

Bum and Li’l Sis go to town to shoplift for awhile, getting everything a BirdBrain Treehouse in the wilderness needs. NoDuh steps out of his other (non M.A.S.H. tent) in full idiot gear. He has his new invention, the ‘Bush Brush Wacker’. No, I didn’t make this up, and everyone at home laughs their asses off. The Night Stalker points out to NoDuh that she has found a dead, frozen mouse in a tree. Omen of things to come I say.

Bum and BirdBrain load all the goods onto a trailer on the back of their SUV and immediately start arguing over how to lash all the loot down before the law arrives. Once they get that settled, they tear up the mountain to unload in their favorite hiding spot. Back to Bilky and Scami talking about Gaybe’s marriage. I snoozed off for a minute so I cannot tell you what was said. It couldn’t be that important anyhow.

BirdBrain starts cutting the branches of the tree that her BirdBrain Treehouse will sit in, as she explains the construction details to, well, nobody. After that she seemingly ingests some mushrooms and then proceeds to sit in her tree making strange high pitched noises while waiting for Perry Smith’s big yellow bird to come and rescue her from her miserable life.

And now for the Emmy nominated scene of the week. Ominous music is played, the camera is in full paparazzi mode as we rush to Bilky’s and Scami’s trailer to discover something is wrong with Bilky. One of the sons puts his hand up to the camera and says “Please! No cameras !”. He is apparently ignored as we watch Bilky fight for a breath. We all watch in anticipation as Bilky slowly climbs out of his chair, while Scami says he needs to go to the hospital. Bilky grabs his smokes and off they go to the free clinic. All we see are the tail lights from some stock footage. The director yells “CUT” and the Brownklown’s and film crew probably ordered pizza and a case of PBR, hit the moose shaped bong, and laugh the night away at the gullible fools who actually believe this crap while signing over their welfare checks and tax returns to the ‘poor’ Brownklown family.

As we anxiously wait for the commercials to conclude, we are left to wonder what is going on. Did Bilky light the wrong end of a Marlboro and get a lung full of burning filter? Did he get an irritation in his lungs from inhaling some rancid mold from the cadaver that always sits next to him? Will the Wolfpack survive this setback? Do fish sleep at night?

The hospital is mentioned to be one hour away from the cults headquarters, and they left in the dead of night, yet the next scene is arriving at the hospital in the middle of the day. We are then treated to an official looking sign that reads ‘Surgical Waiting Room: Room 3500’, so we expect that Bilky has had emergency surgery. Bore appears to be the family spokesman outside the hospital/film stage/warehouse, take your pick, and says dad has either pneumonia or ‘super pneumonia’. He explains that Bilky was gasping for air and nearly incoherent, so he is normal.

All the ‘kids’ are sitting in a hallway that is either a library, or an unemployment office, looking very concerned. Is this the end to our welfare checks and food stamps ? Finally we cut to the so called hospital room where the family gathers to listen to Bilky mumble and cry. Kudos to the ParkSlop crew for the almost dead on re-creation of a legitimate hospital room ;). Bilky is coughing from his last off camera smoke, and he has fish tank air tubes stuffed up his nose. BirdBrain does a talking head interview to express her deep concern about Bilky, saying how he is hooked up to an IV. Then we see a dripping IV in a stock footage scene, and when we return to the room, there is no IV, no IV stand. So Bilky must have one of those ‘invisible IV’s’. Also, every hospital room in America has a tray on wheels that you can eat from in bed except this obvious bogus room.

Bilky claims to have been in the emergency room with his doctor for seven hours fighting for his life (I would hate to see the bill for that). And he relates that the doctor took a pound of fluid out of him (why not a fluid measure). Hey old Bill, that’s called stale piss FYI. Bilky states he may not be able to live at the mountain anymore at 4,000 feet, which of course sets up next season’s move to Montrose, Iowa to build a new Browntown. Gaybe and his squeeze are nowhere to be seen. And if you look at the footage of Scami leaving the trailer the night before in a big hurry to save Bilky, and the footage in the fake hospital room, she has changed her entire outfit, even her hat and tasteless jewelry are different.

Where is Matt Brown?

No one seems to be concerned to call Mutt and let him know what is going on. I guess the mental ward where he lives only accepts calls on Sunday from 2 – 4 PM. Sad music plays as I am left wondering why NoDuh has not invented a miracle cure from goat shit and bat wings that will cure Bilky. Anyways, the ‘kids’ go back to the mountain to PAR TAY !!!! I mean, to take care of the dump site, just like dad would have done, which means sit around outside in tee shirts, and whine about how unprepared for the winter (just around the corner Asa says) they are.

Bore does his best Galaxy Quest quote, “Never give up, never surrender!“. Then a group howl and off to commercial.

We return to the first snow of the season (just like Asa predicted, happens every year), and the chuds are solemnly stating it is time to get the permanent shelters built. Never mind that they are about six months too late. Magically the platform for BirdBrain’s treehouse appears, the paid construction crew from in town did a very nice job, and it is time to put the Brown’s talent on display. Bore climbs the tree to cut limbs with his chainsaw for no particular reason. Rather than visit his dad on his deathbed, NoDuh is busy making a ridiculous ninja themed outfit to match his ridiculous Brown bush whacker invention. He rambles on in his stilted speech as the camera crew has got to be holding back their laughter at this clown and his wife.

Near death Bilky moans from his fake hospital bed how “We must finish what we started”. Does he mean how the family has taken a pristine wilderness and turned it into a flaming trash heap? I was left guessing at that quote.

Work continues on the BirdBrain treehouse, as we watch as the morons seem to have either bought a box of bent nails, or they are absolutely incapable of driving a nail in straight.

Gaybe calls Rockwell aside and explains that due to Bilky’s fake illness, the wedding is off. Rockwell reads her lines quite good, expressing relief, I mean disappointment, that she isn’t forced to marry this clueless, unemployable bum. Maybe Bilky faked this illness to prevent Gaybe from getting married after all. The very thin plot thickens a bit.

NoDuh now has a chainsaw attached to his hand together with the creepy ninja suit and… and well, just never mind….

This episode concludes with the a mishmash of scenes showing the cultists clearing brush and looking busy. The director yells “That’s a wrap”, and the cast members drop their tools where they stand, and head to their private limos after screaming at their assistants, and head into town to meet up with mom and dad at the Texas Roadhouse, so they can pose and take selfies with the locals and get hammered… till next week… MORE or less!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

 

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4 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S09-E04 Mountain Emergency

  1. I called it from the commercial, that Billy is “sick” so the wedding has to be postponed.

    Also, laughed my ass off that Bird said she built the platform by herself.

    1. I couldn’t believe they had the stones to say that she built it… With concrete footers… All by herself. Good call!

  2. When will they acknowledge where they really live? They stay in a lodge in Loomis, they shop junk stores in Tonasket, they shop Home Depot and Walmart in Omak, all in Okanogan County, Okanogan Valley, along the Okanogan River.

  3. Another great write up.
    You had me at … “Hey old Bill, that’s called stale piss FYI. ”

    I wonder if these imbicile charlatans really know how this is going to play out. At some point when their true fans turn on them it will get ugly, noDuh won’t even get a gig as a urinal cake salesman.
    Schadenfreude …😁

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