OK kids, get the popcorn popped, a cold one cracked and the anti depressant pills ready, the ‘Not Really in Alaskan, Not Really Bush and Not Really Normal People’ are ready to amaze and confuse you with their season 9 closer, ‘Winter is Here’! Sit back with the remote control and a barf bag and enjoy the nonsense as it spills out of your TV.
First up is BirdBrain teaching Rhain (with an H) how to shoot a rifle. Take three shots from about 20 feet into a pumpkin and she is ready to live free in the woods, on her own, while carrying a baby and married to a pompous, obnoxious, fat, unemployed, illiterate fool. Hey, I was impressed… For about a second or two. And please pass me the barf bag. But a couple questions arise, why is BirdBrain so chummy with Rhain w/H after ignoring and backstabbing her for over a year, and why is BirdBrain teaching Rhain w/H how to shoot a rifle instead of the enormous, pretentious jerk she married?
Next up is the crackle toothed, bird calling idiot, named BirdBrain for Christ’s sake, who is shown pretending to wake up in her Teepee after a good nights sleep. A crew member threw a poor cat into the teepee to act like it slept there too, and BirdBrain snatches it up before it can run back into the heated RV, that we all know is set up somewhere on the mountain for everyone to keep warm in. She pets the miserable cat, and then tells the camera crew how the family is totally unprepared for winter and cold and snow and hypothermia and death from exposure. OK, we are all set for tonight’s theme, “Get prepared or die a horrible death”.
After all the intrigue about where in the hell these fools plan on staying through the winter with no shelter, no food, no bathrooms, no clue, we are told by the narrator, Asa, that these fiercely independent cult members will stay on the mountain and will fight for survival. Which translates into ‘as soon as the cameras stop rolling for the season, we will retreat to our winter home in Mesa, AZ, and play shuffleboard and BBQ every night when we aren’t at the Outback Steakhouse’.
BirdBrain and AcidRain keep us up to date on the freezing conditions at the corral by showing how the water for the rented livestock is freezing over, and “by God, we have got to find a solution before the animal trainer shows up and takes them back to the real world”, where they are probably better cared for than you and me.
And of course we are told not to forget how extra hard it is to make ends meet without the perpetual freeloader, bunco man, flimflammer, scam artist, mountebank Bilky, and his cult leader wife Scami, on hand, to sit in their little trailer and bark out orders while they binge watch season 1 (and the only season) of “My Mother the Car”, starring Jerry Van Dyke. Yeah, Dick’s untalented brother.
So rather than speed the episode along to the next cliffhanger, we are shown Bilky with his concerned family, wearing the exact same clothes as last week, in his fake hospital room, still without his IV hooked up to anything, with the little plastic tubes stuck up his nose to simulate an oxygen tank setup. Asa tells us that Bilky had ‘severe pneumonia’, which is either a step up, or maybe down, from ‘super pneumonia’ which he was diagnosed with last week. Still, they couldn’t even hire an extra, to dress up in a white smock, and show us phony x-rays, like they did with Scami two seasons ago, when she had her ‘magic cancer’.
So anyway… We are led to believe that Bilky can return to his La- Z-Boy and his Marlboros, if only he can live at least a couple thousand feet lower at the North Star Cult Headquarters. Yeah, why not, we have definitely believed a lot less bullshit. So while Bilky unhooks all the fake hospital gear and gets dressed in his $5000 Stefano Ricci suit for the trip into Vegas to his private suite and ZZ-Top concert, the ‘kids’ head back to sure death in the mountains, unless they can build houses and stock food in the next 45 minutes. (And let us not forget Scami in her head turning Prada original design that is just, well, AWESOME!).
Back on the filming location, the cult members start moving the Teepees closer to the barn, as if that will keep them from freezing to death in the middle of the night. The trailer that the head bums reside in, is told to be a couple miles further up the mountain, and it will need to be moved. This sets up the incredibly boring set piece of moving a trailer by a bunch of cretins, and it all begins with BirdBrain yelling out the plan of attack. No one is paying attention, so the scene continues unabated.
But first a small indication of the tomfoolery that goes on in this show. Let me explain. A camera drone shot flying over the mountain shows the roads that has to be traveled to bring the trailer to it’s desired location, next to the barn. It’s quite obvious that someone has taken a snowplow to clear the roads. Who? Of all the vehicles seen, none has a snow blade on the front, nor do we ever see one amid all the garbage laying around. More on this later. Moving on….
The magic of Brown Mountain begins…
As the preparations are made to move the trailer (now called an RV), Bore climbs on top of the trailer and proceeds to howl as his meds start to kick in. Chains for the truck tires magically appear, and Bore and Gaybe struggle to attach them to the tires, but fail. Bore exclaims “He who dares, wins!”. What, did he join the SAS or something? Then he goes on with this memorable quote, “We have built some monumental structures!”, and the flashbacks show their miserable attempts at building the simplest things. And still they cannot get the chains on even the first tire.
The director yells ‘cut’, and the morons move aside as the production crew bring in the ‘Pros from Dover’ to fit the chains on the tires while the boys order pizza from Tonasket Pizza Company, hold the anchovies.
NoDuh and Rhain w/H work on dragging a log up to their ghetto FEMA tent . Then NoDuh starts talking about the ‘castle’ he intends to build for his wife and future child. We get to see some CG imagery of a rectangular two story structure that doesn’t really resemble a castle in the least, but at least the CG stuff was better than looking at the two hillbillies. And, of course, we soon sort it out that it is almost winter and he hasn’t done a thing to get construction started.
After the ‘castle’ talk, NoDuh starts to chop some wood while Rhain w/H watches and they trade stupid comments back and forth. NoDuh actually says that “Rhain is working harder on the mountain than anyone else”. She is just sitting there looking like the worthless trailer trash she is. He continues in his stilted language, “While others build barns and houses, she is building a person and I will love her the rest of my life”. That is, until the welfare and food stamps run out, and she escapes back to the meaningless life she had before she met the giant turd who claims to be a genius. And don’t forget the support check on the first of every month NoDuh!…
Somber music is played as the stock footage of snow and dread is shown. Gaybe, Bore and Bum prepare for the trailer move. But first…
Time for the commercial in a commercial. While the advertisers try their hardest to get you to watch their million dollar ad campaigns on one screen, the other screen in the background shows the Brown family misadventure flashbacks from this season. Which screen do we watch, it’s all so dreadful. I just got up and went to the bathroom. Solved.
Asa informs us that the small truck may not be the right choice to haul the trailer down the hill. Accidents, injury and even a horrible death might happen if things go wrong. As Bum sits behind the steering wheel, Bore starts shouting out instructions ‘meth’ style (fast and incoherent).
Back in the barnyard we see BirdBrain and AcidRain fretting over the frozen water problem again, due to their inherent goofing off, and then a ‘magic’ water pump appears and they fix it up and plug in the pump to their ‘magic’ electrical source and, ‘voila’, problem solved. Of course, until the pump freezes and you are back to square one. And then BirdBrain tastes the bacteria laden water and proclaims it is good.
NoDuh is at his tent holding a steel square and says it is so cold that his rubber gloves stick to the metal. Yep, they do. He goes on to tell no one in particular that it being freezing cold out, snow on the ground, it is now time to start building the ‘castle’. He will build the forms for the concrete blocks to use as a foundation. He then goes on and on about the physics and chemical composition of concrete and then the cameras stop, and Bob Villa steps in to correct the multitude of mistakes made by NoDuh.
The great trailer move of 2019 finally begins even amid the predictions from Asa, and Bum sounding more and more like a ‘Debbie Downer’. Since the truck has no hitch that I can see, it appears doomed from the start, but somehow the trailer is connected to the truck and the action begins. The license plate is obviously blurred out, but the registration sticker is clear, and apparently expired. It has the date as September 2018 on the sticker, since I am assuming that no heavy snow falls in September, and probably not till November, they are in violation of the state laws for expired registration.
Everything is going great till about 20 feet down the road when Bum loses control and slides all over the place and gets the trailer stuck. Bore and Gaybe go to great lengths to get Bum unstuck by sticking branches and other debris around and under the tires. Bum is wondering what the two are doing, and finally tells Gaybe to let Bore do what Bore does, which is uncontrolled behavior, seemingly fueled by an unknown as yet substance abuse, or untreated mental failures.
NoDuh is beating the bejesus out of the chimney stack at his tent, and by the way, that appears to be stainless steel, triple wall insulated chimney pipe, that sells for around $50 per 6 inch section, and by the looks of it, it didn’t come from a scrapyard. What he explains he is doing is trying to remove the built up creosote in the pipe. How can he have that much buildup in there from only about a month of use? Is he burning green wood? Or the wrong kind of wood? Whatever, he goes inside and loads the stove to the gills with some sort of creosote-busting concoction to clean the pipes. Rhain w/H makes the perfect observation, “Couldn’t we just call a chimney sweep?”. Which I am sure is exactly what happened after the camera was switched off. If there was an actual problem to start with anyways.
So after the trailer is moved about 5 feet or so from its original stuck point, the idiots get it stuck once again. Asa and stock footage are broadcast about the deadly snow covered mountains, and the slick roads, and it is getting dark, so leave the trailer till tomorrow and let’s hit town to eat at Five Guys.
Next day the big freeze that Asa warned about is here, more snow has fallen and as I mentioned before, the roads seemed to have been already plowed. Gaybe is doing chores in the barn with Rockwell (where has she been in this episode so far, memorizing her lines, getting ready for that close-up?), he is shoveling frozen cow crap into a wheelbarrow, while wearing a wifebeater tee shirt. He talks about how he is shoveling cow crap and how delighted he is, doing the shoveling, he seriously acts like he is the first to ever do it. Rockwell stands there and stares at him, wondering, I am sure, if she should run or stay. She asks if they are still getting married, he says sure, she says “How about June 14th?”. They do a pinkie promise (no engagement ring for these two), and June 14th it is. Unless of course the goat gets sick, or maybe Bore has a hemorrhoid or something. Ok everyone out there, clear your calendar for the 14th of June to watch Gaybe and Rockwell make the biggest mistake of their life.
Banjo music plays a snappy, happy tune as NoDuh and Rhain w/H are in town to pick up ‘castle’ supplies. First though, I have a question, how did they get down the mountain when the roads are supposedly covered in snow and ice? Where do you get ‘castle’ supplies you ask? Where else? The local junkyard! They only need cinder blocks, so they fill the back of the truck with a lot of cinder blocks. Rhain w/H starts to come down off the roofies NoDuh has been feeding her, and actually asks some intelligent questions. “Won’t all this weight break an axle?”, in response, NoDuh starts waxing philosophical about life in general … Boring… And since I asked the obvious before about traveling over snow covered, dangerous roads, how the hell are they to get back up the snow covered, dangerous roads with all the extra weight in the truck? We will never know, because they never show that part. And another thing, they only seemed to pack enough cinder blocks for one row, of one wall. They will have to make at least 500 more trips to even come close to building this ‘castle’.
AcidRain and BirdBrain walk down the road with brand new pickaxes and mumble some gibberish about being miners. They stop at a section of the now cleared road and start in on hacking at the ice to help Bum navigate to the barn with the trailer in tow. Since NoDuh can go into town with no problem, why not just pick up a load of sand or rock salt on the way back to help with traction? Or better yet, call a professional towing service to give you a hand? And the road appears to have been freshly plowed of all that dang snow, what ‘magic’ is there in Washington State that roads are instantly cleared for travel, and why are the boys having so much trouble?
After spending a whole 30 seconds clearing the road, BirdBrain and AcidRain get busy building suitable shelters to brave the fierce winters of Washington mountain life. NOT! No, they build a snow fort and make jokes about yellow snow.
That darned trailer is on the move again, now stuck, now moving, now stuck… Finally they get the trailer moved up next to the barn. Where did the road to the barn come from? Must be that special ‘magic’ I mentioned earlier. And I’ll bet $100 that trailer was only 50 feet from the barn in the first place. And once the trailer is in place, the deck that they didn’t move is ‘magically’ connected to the trailer. Now that’s pretty clever. I guess when you have a fifty person production crew to do everything for you, living life in the bush or in the wild or on a mountain ain’t really too difficult.
While the ‘kids’ are standing on the deck appreciating the production crew’s hard work, Mr. Cupcake makes his first appearance. He barks and then turns around and the ‘kids’ ask if someone is there. The director yells “Cut, Cut, Cut… Ok Cupcake it’s not ‘Arf, Arf, Arf’… it’s ‘Arf, Arf’… If you can’t do your lines, we will get a dog that can, and send your mangy ass over to the folks at Gold Rush! Got it? OK… and ACTION!”. Once Cupcake gets it right (three takes later), Bilky and Scami appear like ‘magic’ from behind the barn. How did they get there? Did the kids not know when their dad was released from the hospital?
Scami is dressed in her best on the corner, homeless, woman costume and Bilky tells the jerks that he is getting better. NoDuh and Rhain w/H build a little snowman to somehow have the folks guess the sex of their unborn baby. NoDuh hits a switch and the belly turns blue so it must be a boy. The group wants to know if a name has been chosen, Scami asks if the tradition of biblical names will carry on forward. How bout ‘Jesus Judas Moses Applesauce’ or ‘Dodo Ebal Gog’ or ‘Hammoleketh Parshandatha’? None of the above… if you really want to know the name they chose, watch the show. And how come the boys in the family get biblical names, yet the girls get circus names like ‘Amora Jean Snowbird’ and ‘Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer Schmidt’?
Anyway, Bilky gospel time (Bilky 4:20) as he rattles on about family forever on mountain for generations, and a new cub on it’s way, blah blah blah… Yet never mentions once in the whole frickin’ season their oldest son, Mutt, who is by now probably locked away in a mental ward, and thinks he is Oliver Stone, making the prequel to “Born on the Fourth of July”, called “Born on the Third of July”? Wow, some family…..
In the end, they got nothing done in this episode, except move an old trailer that nobody lives in anyhow. Not one shelter was built, yet the whole theme was ‘Build Build Build or Freeze Freeze Freeze’. I think the writers got high and drunk and forgot what was going on.
And so ends another horrid season of ABP, have we enjoyed ourselves? And do we dare to tune into next season’s (yes there is a next season) remarkably and sure to be inept storyline? You bet! The cameras are switched off, the crew goes home, and the Brown family heads to Hawaii for a much needed break from the rigors of acting like clods and brain dead morons…
P.S. I would like to take the opportunity to thank Railing Kill for the chance to write these recaps. I hope I am worthy of all his dedicated fans and hope to bring something to the table for everyone to laugh at and enjoy… Till next time…so it goes…