How many of us have waited anxiously for the new season of Alaskan Bullshit People to air? Did we manage to sleep last night ?
Now comes season ten, starting their sixth year of mindless stories, idiotic situations and half baked ideas. They are still NOT in Alaska, nor do they seem much like bush people, unless bush people are clueless, lazy, riffraff that will do anything to score some quick cash. Bilky and his crew of misfits have entertained and baffled us for a good stretch, can they possibly have any steam left in the show to continue?
Opening the show is the never disappointing Bore and his brother, Gaybe. They are chopping some wood. Gaybe puts some green branches in his belt to resemble a grass hula skirt, and then dances for Bear. Yeah…. ’nuff said.
Now the opening narration with Asa tells us the same old story of this remarkable family that can’t earn an honest buck, but will resort to all kinds of crazy antics instead. They are all set to build their houses now that winter is on its way. Even Asa sounds a bit incredulous this time around. And then he mentions the doom and gloom and danger that lies ahead, I mean, someone could get hurt, even killed. Will the family, this wolf pack, survive? Will the North Star Ranch for the Incredibly Stupid ever have a chance to be built? Play the cheerful music as we head into this week’s drama.
BirdBrain and AcidRain see a young goose on the ice in the pond, so for some reason they must get in the canoe, which just happens to be there, and chase the poor animal around.
More narration tells us that it is cold, it is November, and we can see the snow on the ground. Time to build houses for everyone “to gain independence” on dad’s land, they even drew a stupid map of the property with the houses pointed out. BirdBrain is building a ‘birdhouse’ to live in, no surprise there. NoDuh plans on putting up a castle, uh-huh. Bum seems indecisive. Bilky gives a little talk about how Bore wants to do a shipping container house and we ought to do it first. We don’t get to know about AcidRain’s house or Gaybe’s house or Bilky’s place I guess, no mention is made of their living quarters. Bilky will probably just keep living in the trailer there.
Time for the Bore Brown ‘Wisdom Hour’ as he goes on about how he bartered some cords of wood for the shipping container that he wants to live in, for the rest of his life. He seems quite happy and more animated this time around. Now NoDuh is cleaning his FEMA tent up and decides to stop doing that so he can invent another useless invention. It is a tub that runs water down the baby’s back. He proudly proclaims how he is preparing for the sake of his unborn child. Except for the fact that he lives in a tent in the woods, has no employment, no education, no insurance, no savings or credit and probably smells like cured bacon most of the time. And is married to another pretty much useless chud.
BirdBrain and AcidRain are now with the goat, which is pregnant. Big whoop. They pretend to sniff goat piss to see if the goat is pregnant, once that is finished they head into town to see Toy Story 4.
Bore bartered some wood for the shipping container, and also got the guy to throw in a couple days to use his bulldozer. Bore explains to the rest of the boys that they can use it for their projects. Bore is stepping up, taking charge. Gaybe comes onscreen to tell us how important it is to get going on houses, and that a big storm is coming. Ominous music plays in the background. Now it is Bilky’s turn to preach his snooze fest gospel, ‘build a house’, ‘be happy’, ‘wolf-pack stays united’, zzzzzzz.
Bilky is actually in an outdoor scene, I even sat up straighter for this. Bilky and BirdBrain discuss the option of keeping the billy-goat (Bilky hates billygoats). BirdBrain says please and BirdBrain keeps billygoat.
NoDuh continues work on his baby bath invention, he turns it on and it leaks. Way to go Einstein. Rhain w/H shows up and he shows her the pathetic looking bath invention. You can almost see the look of quiet desperation in Rhain w/H’s eyes… That soulless, last glimpse of sanity that is now slowly dribbling down her jaw. Her happiness and vigor for life, horrendously stolen from her in that moment, watching her husband slowly going mad. She softly tells him it looks great and then goes far into the woods to cry for six hours, as she contemplates her life with the town idiot.
Bore is climbing a tree looking for his shipping container to come up the mountain. Right on time it appears and Bore is happy. The life threatening, huge winter storm hits, and it ain’t so bad. Bilky takes another stab at being in the scene, he talks a little, then disappears. Bum grades out his area with the dozer, then NoDuh makes a path to his plot, which he calls ‘Castle Ridge’. NoDuhh makes it sound like a subdivision in Omaha. Meanwhile the girls are again with the goats, building a fence that looks like it will last 30 minutes. Finally Bore gets the dozer back and he is ready to move.
Bilky shows up after his breakfast at the lodge in town, takes over driving the dozer as Bore and crew cut trees out of the way, while Bore silently sends daggers towards Bilky every time he has to look at him. Bore wanted to drive the bulldozer. Once the container is in place (they go through a bit of drama of course) Bilky heads off to pinochle night at the Elks, while the kids suffer from frostbite and scary, wild animal sounds.
NoDuh and Rhain w/H summon BirdBrain to their FEMA tent to ask her if she would agree to be their soon to be born son’s godmother. Most awkward 2 minutes in television history as BirdBrain just stares at her arch enemy in disbelief, while Rhain w/H is soooo pleasantly enjoying the humiliation factor. Meanwhile NoDuh stands by, totally emasculated and cringing in shame. BirdBrain kinda, sorta, says yes and that, thankfully, is over.
Bilky’s last ‘words to live by’ are spoken, something about family, work never done, blah blah blah… And of course freedom and North Star Ranch.
I think the writers got a little weird last season and I’m thinking they may have toned the whole thing down a notch. Still no brother Mutt to be seen on the show, not even a mention. Scami was in the season trailer, but a no show on this episode. She was probably renegotiating contracts with the lawyers in Las Vegas over the earnings increase applicable in the mark up and obligation clause language, while still keeping the tax base at a minimum liability. Then, lobster and a front row seat with Dion.
Even for a critic like me, this opener was pretty lame. I guess we may all be getting a little bit used to these Alaskan Bullshit People. At this rate we will be reduced to watching them fix rice on a Friday night, and then listen to them tell flashback stories while they trim their toenails. I am aware that ‘grand babies’ are in the works and I am sure a whole episode will be dedicated to Scamy and her grand babies. If NoDuh is reduced to inventing stuff just to be inventing stuff, I can’t see that going anywhere. Bore seems to be taking a more leading role, maybe the Discoverup folks finally realized the potential of his character. He never really has any drama, doesn’t anger easily, seems ready to fly with any scheme laid out by Bilky, and appears to fit right in with living in the wild. And Bore is not married either, I think it may be time for Bore’s big romance, that would attract viewers. Bum seems stuck in his K-mart James Dean mellow mood. He seems to enjoy his privacy too much to let a film crew dictate his life much more than it is already doing.
As far as the two girls go, it is hard to tell what direction those two will take. Now that they are out of Alaska and on a ranch, they will just be two ding dong ranch gals, hugging animals and picking flowers.
That leaves Gaybe and Scami, the two weakest links in the show. Scami doesn’t even show up for work anymore, and what happened to Gaybe’s girlfriend… Weren’t they gonna get married last season, but Bilky got sick and they postponed? Where did she go? Maybe they are having her wait in the wings. And how come we never saw the plans for Gaybe’s house to build?
Don’t remember seeing Mr. Cupcake in this episode either. Maybe he got hit by a pick up down on mountain road.
They seem to quit saying ‘More’ anymore…
More or less…