Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S10 E2 “The Wolfpack Vs. The Wolf”

This episode is dedicated to the wild animals, the dangerous and scary creatures that torment the Browncult day and night. Asa sets the scene with bone chilling predictions and morose music, how some one could get hurt, someone could even die, on tonight’s show. With that and the spooky night vision effect of somebody’s backyard, I was ready to cheer on the wolves, the bobcats, the coyotes, even the spiders as they all seem to petrify this group.

So naturally we start with Gaybe and he’s hunting, he finds some tracks that the production crew stamped onto the ground, gives the viewers a short talk about wild animals. ‘Danger Danger Danger!‘ Next he poses with his teepee that he slept in once, and then proceeds to do the dishes, while eating the trash left behind by the others. He even shows us the way a branch, with leaves, can be used as a sponge. Smart guy. Is tonight’s show also about Gaybe? I think it might be.

Bilky kicks off with his speech and preaches lunacy about getting the houses built. Winter is right around the corner, and to prove it we see a winter scene outside somebody’s window or doorway. And isn’t it a little odd that what we are seeing is ice cold temps and snow, when most of America is in the middle of a hot summer. Bilky ends his spiel and heads down to Loomis to buy his ‘medicine’.

BirdBrain and Gaybe show up in hardhats as they strip the weather beaten, full of termites siding off a building to use in the ‘Birdhouse’. As they rip the siding off you can see the cloud of asbestos floating all about them. They film it a few times and then head to lunch in the sound technician’s trailer. The crew picks up the mess.

Rhain w/H makes her debut whilst out looking for her cat. She calls for the cat several times and gets worried, now she sees tracks, wild animal tracks! NoDuh shows up looking totally unprepared for whatever is going down, he nervously looks at his shoes while poor Rhain w/H ponders the loneliness, the frustration, the banality of what her life has become. She comes to terms that her dear friend, ‘Coly the Cat’, is most certainly being used as dinner tonight by the wild and dangerous animals that lurk behind every tree.

Gaybe cuts trees with chainsaw… Gaybe destroys chainsaw…Gaybe picks up axe, chops down a tree…Gaybe gets bored and goes to town to watch NASCAR at ‘Low Life Louies’ in Tonasket. Later that night in the bar, he shows off his lobotomy scar and signs autographs. Bore is wasting no time getting his shipping container broke in as his new residence. He’s got a bed, a tapestry on the wall, some wallpaper that looks like wood, and it seems no way to heat the place. Nor a kitchen, bathroom, or anything else that would seem normal. Let’s watch Bore go insane and freeze to death! Gaybe is back and over to Bird’s place, helping her along with the birdhouse.

Danger Danger Danger! Gaybe tilts his head in a snap, at a noise he hears, so you know you have to take this part serious. He says he heard a howl in the distance. He tells BirdBrain to howl back. She does. AcidRain stands by. The suspense builds to unexpected drama as they realize that something must be wrong over at the NoDuh place. They run off in the direction of NoDuh, and race down the road to save the genius and his mother figure wife.

They come upon FEMA camp tent #2 that NoDuh has set up to do his animal ‘experiments’. They ask “Where is Rhain w/H?” NoDuh says Rhain w/H is at the other tent, FEMA camp tent #1. Someone mentions that three howls in quick succession means someone is dying. Oh My God! My blood vessels were out of control, what was going on? Would Rhain w/H live? They all run out to NoDuh’s nice looking blue jeep that seats four, and haul ass down the road. You know it is faked because the jeep seats four, there are four people in this group, all of the sudden the camera guy is in the Jeep. What did they do, stop and trade places on the way to investigate Rhain w/H’s demise? They all pull up to the FEMA tent and NoDuh rushes in. Yea, she is there, she’s fine. NoDuh pokes his head out the door and grins stupidly and then shuts the door in their faces. We never even get to see Rhain w/H by the way.

The wolves are everywhere, wild animals everywhere, cougars, bears, bobcats, coyotes, elephants, dinosaurs… Yeah, we get it. Bear is sent out to track the crazy ferocious beasts and finds some squirrel prints in the snow (they looked so cute). He stops tracking long enough to give everyone watching his thoughts on wolves habitat. Not surprisingly, no one cares.

Asa gives us the latest weather scoop, deep freeze on its way, time to build houses! BirdBrain and AcidRain pretend to build stuff while in the birdhouse and then leave to catch the plane to Seattle for some par-tay.

Gaybe and Rockwell have a morning coffee in a snowdrift while discussing his utter failure at cutting trees and building a log cabin. He decides they will live in the barn till further notice. Lucky Rockwell. She then asks a lot of questions, a lot. He asks if it is okay with her to live in a barn with goats and cow manure and chickens and rats and she smiles and says yes. Which I am sure the director told her to say, otherwise ‘hit the road sweetheart, we will find another  girlfriend down at the casting office.’ So now we know that Rockwell is still around and not buried somewhere on that mountain.

BirdBrain and AcidRain do the most useful thing they know how to do, telling us the goat’s names. AcidRain discovers blood in the snow! A peacock is missing! Wolves howling! Danger Danger Danger! Bilky drags his butt out to the barn after cocktail hour and has a talk with BirdBrain about the wolves. We see stock footage of some wolves. BirdBrain grabs her little rifle and lubricates it with cooking oil, ‘bush style’, or ‘mountain style’, heck, I can’t keep it straight. She is in full kill mode, she hears a wolf close by, on the other side of the barn. Our hearts all stopped for a bit as BirdBrain creeps to the back of the barn to confront and blow the brains out of protected wildlife. The rifle is held steady, the aim is true, the excitement builds to a breaking point. But it is just a couple of tame deer that they use for filming now and then, Chainsaw and Drillbit. The excitement is over, nothing to see here, these aren’t the wolves you are looking for…

Gaybe is all ready to move into the hayloft. Somehow he bartered / bought / stole / found a stove and needs to haul it up to the loft. He reminisces about the Integrity which starts us down flashback lane, scenes of Gaybe hauling and manhandling cargo on the boat. Bum quits working on his yet unseen dwelling to help and harass Gaybe. After tying a rope to the stove and struggling for a while, we hear the tired tale of danger which can happen any time with heavy loads and idiot workers. After many attempts, Bum reties the rope and success is had as the stove is now in place. Let’s howl…

Back to the Birdhouse as BirdBrain tells us the names of her eleven cats. BirdBrain is now officially a lonely, sad, cat lady who lives in a tree and needs to be avoided at all costs. One cat makes a daring escape attempt but BirdBrain shuts that down real quick, last thing we see is the cat’s sorrowful eyes as BirdBrain drags the poor thing back into the Birdhouse.

NoDuh announces to Rhain w/H that ‘bush safety training’ is up next and lures her to a spot in the woods where no-one can hear you scream. He crows on about how he is a good shot and explains he carries a .357. He draws, he misfires, he fires, he finally gets the gun to shoot and misses by a mile. Next shot misses too, as do most of them. I am surprised he didn’t shoot Rhain w/H, She just watched and laughed as his macho demonstration went completely south. I agree, watching NoDuh shoot a gun, or actually do anything, is worth a laugh.

In the hayloft, the chud brothers and sisters need to find a spot above the stove to put in a stovepipe. As seen before in the cabin in Browntown, one of the morons (this time BirdBrain), lays on her back and shoots a rifle through the ceiling to mark the spot where the hole needs to be. After locating the bullet hole, they make the biggest mess putting the stovepipe through. It is sure to leak every time it is raining.

Rhain w/H finds her cat Coly! No more danger! Rhain w/H declares it is a miracle. I declare it is a miracle that you are actually still there, Rhain w/H! I mean, are you on drugs or something? Look who you’re living with and where you are living. And why isn’t that worthless husband working on the castle? I thought winter was right around the corner and everyone was gonna die unless shelter was put up immediately.

Gaybe embarrassingly shows Rockwell her new living quarters, he tells her to keep her eyes closed till she is inside the hayloft, and then he allows her to look. She says she is speechless. From the look on her face I would say mortified. She sees basically two beds and a stove. What… A… Dump… Now that she has witnessed where she has to be with Gaybe every night and day for the next few months, I am surprised she didn’t immediately call an Uber and flee the scene. By next week she will know all the farm animals names and she can hang out with BirdBrain and AcidRain while they secretly prepare to make Rhain w/H disappear mysteriously. And if anyone has ever been in a hayloft on a hot summer afternoon, well…

Gaybe, BirdBrain and AcidRain do a useless perimeter search for deadly wild animals, but when they see nothing, smell nothing and find nothing, they resort to shooting up a poor tree “to scare off the predators”. Bilky comes onscreen after a day at the polo matches and preaches some garbage gospel we have all heard a million times already.

Still no Scami. I suspect she was in the Bengbu, China factory researching the final proof drawings and production outlook of the new ‘Bore’, ‘BirdBrain’, and ‘NoDuh’ action figures to go on sale to meet the Christmas demand. They come complete with rifles and a mini science laboratory. Other figures will soon be on sale, ‘Bum’ with his sunglasses and hat, ‘Gaybe’ with braces, ‘Mutt’ with a bottle of Jack Daniels™ in a plain paper sack. Then Scami is off to Vietnam to break the backs of the help as they produce an adorable ‘Grandbabies’ t-shirt, also available in a sweater and afghan, soon to be seen in every Walmart store in the United States and abroad.

Last report on Mr. CraPcake is he was arrested after biting a victim outside a massage parlor in northern Washington, and is under suicide watch in the county jail. Hope to see you soon, Cup!

Mutt still is AWOL. Maybe I should write a letter to Discoverup Channel and petition them to bring back our favorite character, just for laughs.

As I started this recap I mentioned how it was dedicated to dangerous wild animals. It was clearly mentioned many times in the show, yet not once did we see anything that remotely suggested that a wild or dangerous animal was ever within 10 miles of the cultists. And the story lines that were fed to us about the scary creatures just went nowhere. Gaybe running over to NoDuh’s to find Rhain w/H, there was no danger, there were no ‘howls’, and the story just died there. BirdBrain stealthingly sneaking up on a wolf that turns into some pet deer munching their oats, that’s it…never mind.

Last week I said the writers may have toned down the show a bit, getting a little too crazy. Well, I think that I may have spoke too soon. Let’s watch next week and go from there.

Big Howl !!!

more or less…

NOTE: Espisode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.


4 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S10 E2 “The Wolfpack Vs. The Wolf”

  1. Nice job as always!

    The big thing I noticed was the total bullshit about needing to shoot a hole in the roof so they knew where to cut the hole for the stove-pipe for a stove they’re NEVER going to use! Bore climbs a ladder and marks a spot for her to shoot at, then she misses by 2 feet! If he could lumber his midget frame up a ladder and MARK the spot to cut, what the fuk did they need a gunshot for?

    The whole thing with the family running to NoDuh to find out where his wife is at because they heard danger howls was embarrassingly bad. How obvious was it that she was NOWHERE AROUND! They just ADR’d her voice in post so they could create some phony bullshit ’emergency’ so the middle-aged cat lady house frau fans get a little excitement in their pathetic lives.

    Anyhoo, back on my meds. Thanks again for your contributions!

  2. Another good recap. I sit solemnly at my keyboard, hoping to add substance to your work, and I don’t have a lot to add…but, here goes.
    The term ‘re-purposing’ means to use an object meant for one purpose, and cleverly using it for another purpose.
    Removing boards from one building,. and nailing them up on another building is not re-purposing. It is re-using.
    One does not use fast-draw to shoot an animal. This is not the 19th century wild west of Marshal Dillon’s. It is the State of Washington, full of spoiled brat sons and daughters of yuppies, with a governor who believes the world is coming to an end yesterday. Noah deserved to be mocked by his large ‘beard.’ I mean wife.
    The scripted ‘three howls means death’ was adapted from the Alaska ‘three gun shots means emergency..’ Who could forget the idiot Billy, shooting the rifle into the air, holding it unsafely?
    Rhain’s one non-appearance on camera was interesting. Is there some limit by the wolfpack on Rhain’s participation?
    If the stove in the barn is lit, they will burn the place down. It takes a double-walled sleeve at the roof to avoid a fire.
    A google search on wolves in the State of Washington showed 116 total count of wolves in the entire state. And they all seem to be on Brown property, I guess.
    Allow me to comment on ‘Raising Wild.’ It came on following the Brownclowns, and is actually worse than Alaska/LasVegas/Colorado/California bush people.. Much of the epsidoe was devoted to an obese son’s making goat milk ice cream on their isolated mountain. He just happened to have ice because someone ‘ brought the ice from town.’ (That would be the non existent town that allows the family to strive for self sufficiency and independent living.)
    When the fat lad opened the bucket and passed it around, various family members drooled into the bucket. It was a most disgusting scene.
    T^he father of the Hines family, like Billy, is physically unable to do physical labor, because his fellow GI shot him, while in Afghanistan. (they called that ‘fragging’ in viet nam.) Fatha Hines led the family in their quest to build a root cellar by burying a trailer. They plan to sleep in bunks in the root cellar, and store cAnned goods there, not quite grasping the purpose of a root cellar.
    Fatha Hines also talked about being stranded on the mountain for three months in the winter, because of being snowed in. No one has told him about snow mobiles, I guess.
    Finally, Fatha Hines read from the same script as Billy, about family, working together, and on and on.
    The show as bad – worse than the fake Alaskan Brown family show.
    It deserves a separate discussion here.

    1. I don’t watch either show but the ratings for Raising Wild are pretty horrific. Honestly, is there room for two idiot families living a few miles down the road from Wal-mart in the middle of Washington? I would think not. No idea why Discovery would think Raising Wild (which sounds like a poor mans ABP) would be a good idea when ABP is obviously on the decline ratings wise. I don’t think much of Discovery anymore.

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