Up to now, in Season 10, we have endured the Brown family starting to build houses that never seem to get built, and the horrendous danger of imaginary wild creatures who never seem to show up. Noah is building really stupid stuff, the girls sniff goats, Bore is getting his skid row container ready, mom is AWOL and Mutt is in rehab but still receives residual checks. Bilky lords over the lot and we scamper into episode 3, ‘Clear and Pheasant Danger’. It sounds like an international thriller episode, but I am betting it is not.
Bore and his container are the backdrop for the opener scene as Bore goes on and on about this red cape he has. Most probably belonged to one of his victims and he keeps it as a trophy. He then talks about other colors of capes, it is now in the creepy zone. Asa tells us what to expect on tonight’s show, it is time for a holiday celebration! Brown style! Which holiday? Hell, they don’t have a clue what year it is. That’s the way it is done in the Brown cult, when Bilky says its time to celebrate a holiday, you just pull one out of the hat. We see the kids hauling stuff around from last week, and then Scami shows up in her Croche hat and 17 strands of necklaces. Her and Bilky go into more detail on the imaginary celebration. They will call it Thanksgiving and they will have a pheasant dinner. A flashback to the Alaskan days and how they were so stupid that they forgot it was Christmas.
BirdBrain, AcidRain and Gaybe set up the brand new clay pigeon thrower that I suppose was bartered for two possum roadkill, a wind turbine blade, and a nude, autographed 8″ X 10″ photograph of ‘Stringbean’ from the Hee Haw television show. They shoot some clay pigeons for awhile, get bored, and leave a mess for the crew to clean up. They were all shown actually hitting a clay pigeon at least once, just in case a viewer or two thought all this shit was just made up.
NoDuh is cooking in the kitchen tent in his hideous wife beater shirt, stirring a pot of human organs while lifting a dumbbell in the other hand. He laughingly tells us how hard he exercises even while cooking. Yet he looks like he hasn’t done any exercise since the last time he mentioned exercise. Rhain w/H comes in from wherever she could possibly go to in the mountains, living in a tent with no transportation and a worthless, delusionary husband. It seems Rhain w/H has a list of ‘honey do’ projects that NoDuh needs to tend to. A long list. She now has the opportunity to sit for the camera and try to tell us that she needs to be rescued from this uncivilized cult. She tells the camera that even though NoDuh has this huge responsibility to his Brown family, he now has a bigger responsibility to her and the unborn child. As you watch her talk, she spells out in morse code through her blinking eyelids to please ‘save her immediately’. NoDuh says he is going to build a sled for Christsakes. Rhain w/H says no crib yet. Sled. No changing station for the newborn son on his way. Sled. No diapers bought yet. Sled. NoDuh would rather build a sled to ride than a house or anything to help his son. What a spineless jerk.
Bilky and Scami are called into the barn to witness the complete collapse of this show making any further sense. The obviously challenged children put on a show that, for all looks and purposes, was thought up and filmed in about 15 minutes, tops. Gaybe in particular was extremely awful as the yodeling, oblivious, future serial killer. Although AcidRain playing her childrens’ out of tune ukulele, while mumbling incoherent lyrics was a close second. Scami starts crying a jag from either proof that her children are completely talentless, or the fact that she came back to the show way too early. Either way, the cringe worthy barn-show ends, and Bilky and Scami drive to the airport to catch the last flight into Monterey, California to eat at their favorite restaurant in Cannery Row.
Big pheasant hunt commences with BirdBrain, AcidRain, Gaybe and Bore setting up camp on a friend of Bilky’s land. They also rented some dogs to flush out the pheasants. Which , of course, reminded me, of where is Mr. Cupcake? Last I heard he was doing community service in Spokane for some ‘stuff’ that happened there. Good luck Cup, hope to see you soon. We see a few flashbacks of hunting days in the past, at their made up homestead in Alaska. BirdBrain, Bore, AcidRain and Gaybe sit around the campfire and talk till bedtime, then pretend to climb in their woefully inadequate tents till the cameras switch off. Then they get in their private RV’s and bang out the tunes for awhile.
The next morning we get the pheasant lecture from morons who just a few minutes ago said they have never hunted or been around pheasants. Lots of stock footage of pheasants walking around, feeding and looking peaceful. Gaybe and BirdBrain are up first as the bird guy, just off camera, releases the first pheasant. Gaybe takes a shot! Gaybe misses! BirdBrain shoots! BirdBrain gets one! Now Gaybe has another chance, and just when the bird gets released he raises his shotgun up but has no round in the chamber! So, he must first chamber a round, then aim, fire and misses once again. This takes him into a deep funk whether he can shoot game ever again. He moans on like no one I have ever known for awhile, till BirdBrain tells him to just believe in yourself, and everything will be peaches. Bore and AcidRain are somewhere else and Bore fires and gets a pheasant. He wipes the poor bird’s blood all over his face and does his best Duvall line, ‘I like the smell of gunpowder in the morning’. Made me wonder what else it smells like near Bear.
Believe in yourself Gaybe! Believe in yourself! Gaybe fires the shotgun, after a crew member showed him how to do it properly, and he gets his bird! BirdBrain smiles as any good babysitter would. Bore is proving to be a natural, as the pheasants fly out of the holder’s hands into the air and he blasts them before they have a chance. AcidRain still hasn’t scored a kill, but she is trying. Finally a sick, crippled bird is thrown up in the air. AcidRain shoots, but no gunshot is heard, and the half dead bird falls to the ground, too weak to even try living anymore. Which means AcidRain has a talking head segment where she bores us with her statement that she must now fulfill her responsibilities to the family, by doing more hunting or something. With that, she heads to town to meet with BFF Sharise and Debbie Lee for a road trip to the nearest night club.
NoDuh and Rhain w/H are in their drab tent cooking potatoes. Now eating potatoes. You know what, they are even beginning to look like potatoes. As they stuff their mouths, NoDuh goes on about his sled building enterprise. He needs to get it done, soon. So screw the crib, the castle, the other things in life that would seem to come before building a sled. Rhain w/H watches as NoDuh slowly waddles out the tent flap to head down to his other moldy tent to work on his sled for the rest of the day. She flops on the bed and cries for an hour, and then binge-eats the Fig Newtons™ and Twinkies™. She tries mournfully to see a future here with NoDuh, but has a real difficult time getting past the next five minutes. She wonders what will NoDuh waste his time building next… Electric powered eyeglasses? Diaper changing machine? A howling device? Rhain w/H turns to look out the tent and is sure that she sees BirdBrain and AcidRain spying on her from the bushes nearby. Her paranoia and anxiety attacks are building, it’s time to take a Xanax and run through the woods screaming.
While cleaning the pheasants the score for the hunt is Bore and AcidRain got 5, Gaybe and BirdBrain got 6. The seem very proud of themselves, as they should be. In a real, unscripted hunt, getting 2 or 3 is doing great. I just hope they were licensed to hunt pheasants and did so in season. The production crew cleans the rest of the birds, cleans the weapons, pays the fines and that’s a wrap.
NoDuh is desperate to get some screen time, because when this show finally hits the last episode, the producers will need a spin off character to create another reality show, based on someone from the Brown sect. He calls everyone together to see his newest invention, the sled! So now he is inventing stuff that has already been invented, and the other guy did a better job. Someone plowed the road for them. The sled is a piece of plywood, with some tore up car seats on it, with some runners and a steering mechanism. It sounds stupid and looks worse. NoDuh acts so proud of the sled, he puts on a helmet to protect the ground from his skull slamming into it. He gets on and shoves off, goes about 10 feet and crashes. He tries again and goes another 10 feet and breaks the sled. What an enormous waste of time.
Rhain w/H acts like it is all happiness and fun times, but alone she is pondering her life surrounded by fools and conspirators, living like a homeless person, her father in law is a grifter and her mother in law dresses like it is 1927. But the worst of it is being married to a giant slug who thinks building a useless sled is a sign of genius. Rhain w/H slowly retreats back to her tent amid the laughs by the others at NoDuh’s failing grip on reality. She gets out her prized collection of small, smooth rocks, and cleans them with her tears.
And still not one person has lifted a hammer to continue to build the much needed houses, or kept a lookout for attacking wild animals.
Rockwell makes her first appearance, she has been put in charge of cooking the pheasants, and she seems capable of doing it without a major drama being played out. Gaybe steps up to help his squeeze and manages to burn himself on the pot and generally gets in the way. They are cooking everything outdoors in the snow, frontier style, big pots over a fire. Nice touch.
Bilky and Scami invite BirdBrain and AcidRain over to the trailer to discuss something with the girls. Bilky makes it seem to be really unpleasant news. He has the girls follow him to the barn to see what he is talking about. As they entered the door, I half expected the Brown victims to try to get past Billy, but there was nothing. Inside the barn is TWO NEW HORSES! Now the family has a couple more poor creatures to neglect and eventually disappear from the show. The girls asks the most inane questions about horse riding, “Can I carry my cat while I ride”, just ignorant drivel. They do seem pleased to have horses, being they live 2 days a month on a made up ranch. I kept waiting for them to name the horses, like Mr. Muffin, or Mr. Cornbread…
Big fake holiday meal in the barn with all the cast and extras gathered around to give thanks to the viewers, like you and me, who make their lives so much easier. They are grateful to us for the opportunity to just live a fantasy life and get paid doing it. Bilky ends the evening by giving us gospel on the true meaning of being a family, helping each other out, except for Mutt, who no longer is even in the title photograph any longer. Mr. Cupcake was a no show again. I am starting to get a little alarmed that he is missing. The Browns act like they don’t even care, maybe they are unaware. Should someone contact the Browns and see if everything is okay?
This show was a sleeper really. The hunt scene was pretty well done, even if it was faked. Mostly I am following the NoDuh/Rhain w/H dilemma. NoDuh seems to be not really into the show as he was before, meanwhile his wife shows all the tendencies to file all this under ‘crazy ideas’ and move on. She just doesn’t seem to have the drive the others have to make a fictional portrayal of her life. Or I am mistaken and they are literally as simple minded as they appear on television.
Grandbabies coming !
more or less…