Well, I do like the title of this episode. Somewhere in the deep bowels of the Discovery conglomerate is an employee, who dedicates his/her sad and lonely life to the naming of these episodes before they are aired. ‘Fowl Weather Friends’ meets my approval. Let us now take a moment to pray that the actual show has any of that approval also.
BirdBrain, AcidRain and Gaybe start the engines to tonight’s presentation by feeding the goats for the first time since they arrived on the North Star Ranch. They are using baby bottles filled with milk and the girls dare Gaybe to suck on the nipple. He does, and they all laugh. They dare him to eat a worm, chew on some dirt, tease the grizzly bear, play with the rattlesnake…
Asa narrates a description of the program which involves adapting to a whole new way of life on the mountain. Now the Browns live on a ranch, and things are ‘different’. They still don’t really do anything, Bilky gets hurt, Scami rarely shows up for any filming, NoDuh invents useless junk, Bear climbs stuff and is extreme, Gaybe is touched, Bum has better things to do than act like a Brown, the girls haven’t a clue and Mr. Cupcake has now been officially listed as missing. And of course the addition of Rhain w/H and Rockwell, as the comic sidekicks, have been a welcome respite.
Cue the laid back banjo music and watch the cultists play a game of something they call ‘bush baseball’. Their version of the game is nothing at all like the official version. Just a bunch of creepy half adults hitting a rock with a stick, and then running around in a frenzied manner. They laugh insanely, because they appear to be insane, and Bear is the first and last person ever to be seen playing any type of baseball in leather pants. They admit freely that the game has no rules and then grin for the cameras to gain that beloved check at the end of the week.
Asa needs to step in quickly to remind us of the dangers that lurk up there on the mountain. It gets cold, and snows, and gets cold. Need to feed the animals. A quick arial shot of the ‘Birdhouse’, and Bear’s storage container home, makes it look like the building portion of the show is complete. Now it is time to slaughter the animals for much needed nourishment. Asa kinda implies they haven’t eaten well since the move to North Star. But they all appear to be well fed, NoDuh could lose a few if ya know what I mean.
The crux of the episode appears early as BirdBrain is holding her rooster and, almost in tears, explains to Gaybe the fact she does not want to kill and eat Mr. Cock. BirdBrain claims she loves animals more than people, and Gaybe is concerned about BirdBrain’s struggle with reality. What to do, what to do…
Gaybe doesn’t waste any time removing himself from BirdBrain’s fantasies, and joins the other sibling who is two Bradys short of a bunch, NoDuh. They frolic into a local antique store where they prance among the collectible junk. NoDuh sits at a classic organ, then Gaybe starts singing as NoDuh plays with his organ. NoDuh is on the search for some type of furniture to build a diaper machine invention. Oh boy…
BirdBrain’s dilemma of eating her pet chickens is now the focus of this show, as she decides talks to AcidRain and Gaybe about it. I actually forgot what they talked about as I noticed that AcidRain was well dressed, had a nice do, well manicured and was wearing some subtle, but fresh, makeup. BirdBrain on the other hand looked like a homeless lady who was confused. Gaybe was shown with a possible new ear piercing, a small ponytail behind his ear, and his ‘MOM’ tattoo on his left bicep. Anyway, BirdBrain is convinced that she must grab her gun and head for them thar hills to bag a deer, rather than behead a pet chicken and fry the remains. Gaybe can’t convince BirdBrain that it is time to eat the chickens and as he promotes his view, you can see him getting hungrier and hungrier. After AcidRain and Gaybe try to talk BirdBrain into murdering her pets fails, BirdBrain heads out to THE BIG FAKE HUNT.
AcidRain wanders over to see her brother Bam, who now, much to my surprise, is running a quail farm. I had never gave it much thought, but apparently raising quail is common. So Bum and AcidRain get a few quail out of a cage and kill them and cleans them. Pretty straightforward, AcidRain wants to eat the quail feet, go girl…
The diaper machine is described in psychotic detail by NoDuh as his eyes spin around in his sockets. He blabbers on how he has the sole responsibility of teaching his son to be a real man. That was the best laugh of the whole show. I am really starting to wonder where the whole premise of ‘NoDuh the genius/inventor’ is going. Is this actually leading anywhere? In the end, does he invent ‘peace for all mankind’? Whatever, the diaper machine is an old chest of some sort, with a drawer for a stack of diapers. Big whoop.
THE BIG FAKE HUNT… but first, the big hunt flashbacks. BirdBrain posing with guns while we hear she loves to hunt, lives to hunt, wants to hunt, needs to hunt, dreams to hunt, and then commercial.
Scami rushes back from Cancun to sit in the barn with Gaybe in her old timey hat, granny glasses and 12 necklaces. She is there to show Gaybe how to show Rockwell how to live like idiots in the Alaska bush while really living in Washington State in a fake reality show. I was wondering why Scami didn’t just tell Rockwell all this useless stuff herself. Gaybe is mesmerized at all this seemingly new info on bush survival techniques and shows a special interest in blue jean retro technology. It was absolutely amazing what you can do with an old pair of Levis™. I was honestly looking forward to the lecture on old Dingo boots and outdated leisure suits. Interestingly, Gaybe makes it clear to Scami (and the hundreds of fools like me who watch this show), that he doesn’t sleep in the same bed as Rockwell. He says they have ‘two twin beds, with enough room between them for the Lord’. …Uh-huh…
THE BIG FAKE HUNT is on! BirdBrain hauls ass through the countryside looking for the deer handler who has the deer she is supposed to cap. Somehow the communications got mixed and BirdBrain is forced to set up a tent and pretend to sleep all night in the freezing mountains. BirdBrain tells the camera that it can be a little scary, all alone in the mountains, alone with thoughts and fears, alone all night long. Except for the fact that there is a cameraman, director, sound guy, three intern gophers, an OSHA man, a hairstylist, a makeup person, wardrobe, caterer and +1, all standing off to the side as they film this relentless garbage and present it as fact. Goodnight BirdBrain, goodnight John Boy.
More brainless shit with NoDuh and Rhain w/H as he lifts her leg up and down and calls it exercise. I mean, the riffs on this scene are unending, feel free to make up your own this time.
THE BIG FAKE HUNT… part 2! BirdBrain wakes up, gets out of her RV after a breakfast of poached eggs, thick smoked bacon, toast and juice. She climbs into the tent and then ‘Action!’, she climbs out of tent, discouraged about the failure of the handler to get her deer out to the film site. She talks about going home empty handed when a crew member finally finds the deer tracks and points it out to BirdBrain. She now goes into stealth mode as she tracks the deer through the fake snow covering the mountain. Her feeble mind racing to come up with a plan to put some venison on the table, she takes a white sheet the director gave her and uses it as camouflage. She slowly scopes her position, the grassy knoll is on the right, the Texas School Book Depository Building on her left. The deer is probably coming down Main, turning on Houston and then Elm. We are shown stock footage of a nice buck in a peaceful setting.
Gaybe and Rockwell interrupt the big hunt so Gaybe can sniff Rockwell’s breath. He is anxious to teach his ball and chain all about bush life and living a lie on national television. He introduces her to the wild and hidden passion of brushing your teeth with baking soda. I sincerely think he discovered this and is the only one who knows about it. We are left speechless as he sticks his head in a bucket of water and washes his hair, then combs his wet hair with his fingers. Rockwell is watching all this going down in front of her and she must be so worried that Gaybe thinks she is his real girlfriend instead of the paid extra ‘girlfriend’. After the scene is shot, a health ‘specialist’ takes Gaybe to the side and explains the situation in a bit more detail. I don’t think Gaybe still understands.
THE BIG FAKE HUNT part 3! Deer poo! BirdBrain is definitely on the trail now, another stock footage is rolled, the deer handler finally shows up. BirdBrain turns towards the cameraman and says, “A deer! Stay there!”. Then they all follow her down the trail. As BirdBrain clumps along she recites her insipid script about being all alone, with the alone deer, alone with gun, aiming the gun all alone, while the production crew has basically scared any game away for 3 miles by now. She says she is always nervous before the kill shot, like someone is breathing down her neck, while showing a shot pretty much with a camera breathing down her neck. This is an inside joke, right? Right?
The deer turns left on Elm, slowly entering Dealy Plaza in front of BirdBrain. She scopes the deer and thinks to herself that this is the rewarding moment that solidifies her status as a master hunter. The deer is just a symbol of her oppression and her hatred of self esteem. The deer also represents the failed Cuban invasion and the betrayal of the CIA which is threatening to break up into a million pieces which may or may not have a direct link to New Orleans. BirdBrain is now in the snipers nest, finger on the trigger, prepared to change history once and for all. No one is going to call BirdBrain a patsy anymore!
The clock ticks…ticks…ticks…it hits 12:30 CST, BirdBrain pulls the trigger, a shot rings out, the deer’s head is violently attacked by a 6.5 mm missile fired from a Mannlicher–Carcano rifle bought from Kleins in Chicago. Mrs. Deer is covered in blood and runs away. The deer lays in the grass as BirdBrain stands over it, then leans down and pets the dead deer and says a few words like “thanks for letting me blow your brains out”. She magically produces a huge tarp and wraps the deer and starts to drag it back to the barn which has to be 5 miles away by now. BirdBrain has sort of an aura glow all about her, which ends when Officer Tippet stops her to ask for a hunting license and she guns him down with her .38.
It’s back to the ‘Gaybe and how to live in the bush’ show. Now he is regaling Rockwell with demonstrations of how to make anything out of a stick and a rock. He shows her a rock and he shows her a stick. She is the best actor ever as she looks interested in what he is saying. You can almost smell the stink of desperation that must follow Gaybe around, relegated to demonstrating the qualities of sticks and rocks.
Diaper dispensing machine. NoDuhs got the work all done and needs to show it off. Unlike the sled and other dramatic presentations of his inventions to the family, no one bothers to show up at this pathetic rendition of a damaged mind. Not even Rhain w/H, she is too busy scouring the internet for ‘Male, 20-40, likes to party’. A diaper dispensing machine. Come on, even the writers are laughing at that one.
Remember when NoDuh and Gaybe were in the antique shop? Well, the producers decided to include another completely rock bottom clip from that event, with Gaybe and NoDuh playing an accordion and singing about the bush. O…M…G…
BirdBrain is shown supposedly dragging the deer she shot up to the barn where Bilky meets her and says kill the chickens and eat them you moron. BirdBrain says she finds it difficult to kill and eat her friend Mr. Cluckles, but finally concedes to the fact that is what happens on a ranch. And rather than try to protect her feelings somewhat, it seems they all make a point of making BirdBrain watch, or be present. BirdBrain gives the chicken the kiss of death (literally), they then proceed to put on a very touching and soulful fake execution of a freakin chicken off screen.
Bilky gives some forgotten preaching and they show scenes from upcoming shows, and I saw Mr. Cupcake barking in one, so all is right. Still no Matt. He is likely taking basketweaving 101 right now.
All that talk about chickens made me decide to go to Popeyes…see ya.
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