Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S10E5 ‘The Chaos Before the Storm’

Noah Brown Baby

Out of the gate and bucking hard is Bilky with a ferocious cough and problems breathing. The director woke him up from his 10:00 AM nap and said “Get your mustache on and your bear claw necklace from Walmart™, and start hacking your lungs out, here’s $50”. Bilky says “I gotta go see Doc”, that would be Dr. Chronix at his usual 4:20 appointment. And finally after 4 episodes this season we see a short clip of Mr. Cupcake barking up a storm. Maybe the producers read my recaps and decided to put a stock footage shot from 2017 in the episode to ease the public’s mind about the poor dog. Now I can sleep better at night knowing that Cup is alive and well, Discovery said so. Bilky and Scami head to town to bullshit and con at his favorite table at the IHOP. When he walks in, everyone yells “Bilky” !

Extreme Asa narration as he guides us down the perilous path of, 1) Wild animals 2) Must build shelter 3) Prevent starvation. With that, he throws in a bit of Grandbabies. Looks like another swell one hour of ABP, WBP? IDC…

Kind of a strange opening with the usual low lifes gathered around a campfire waiting to be lit (and get lit). Gaybe walks in the scene with a can of gas and Bum tells him to put the gas away, as no one wants hot dogs that taste like gas. The kids mention that they are waiting for Bilky and Scami to come back home, and they seem to be unable to do anything else as they sit around the now lit fire and enter Flashback Mode. Bilky in fake hospital with made up illness from last season, milking the ever living hell out of failing reality series. Sorry Mr. Producer, I wasn’t convinced then and I sure as hell ain’t convinced now. This time around, in this episode, we don’t even get to see the outside of a stock footage hospital, or a door that says ‘Emergency Only’. I think the writers are getting lazy.

Bilky returns and gathers around the imbecile cult members and tells tall tales about how he showed that durn doctor. He mentions if he can walk 20 feet, he is good to go, and he told the doctor so. I bet it was really the doctor saying if you can’t make the $20 co-pay, hit the bricks, bum. The kids are desperate for details on Bilky’s condition and those details are, for some reason, hard to come by. Bilky says he heals better in the bush. And meanwhile the kids ask if he needs a cane, a walking stick, or photodynamic laser surgery with ultrasonic aspiration. He blows them off and manages to convince them that he is immortal. And the ‘Bilky got sick story‘ doesn’t really go anywhere except maybe for the pity factor when he refuses to do anything.

Bore and Gaybe walk up the mountain to look at the storage container/crib that Bore has moved there to live in. Gaybe is wore out, Bore has on his mountain top/superman/long leather duster/costume. The storage container/shanty is crooked and Bore and Gaybe talk it over and decide to ask Bilky. Again the ambition of Bore shows through, as he maps out a plan in his raisin sized brain to drive that bulldozer at least once. It looks like so much fun. Gaybe shoots holes in that fantasy real quick when he tells Bore that dad needs to drive the dozer again. Cue the Flashback. Yep, that’s dad driving the dozer last time.

Remember the horses that Bilky traded an unused kid for? Well, it seems one of them is going to have a baby horse. Bilky and BirdBrain are in the barn talking about the new horsey, when Bilky gets misty eyed talking about his dad and his dad’s dream. Seems like Bilky Sr. liked horses. We even get to see a picture of the guy and gal that raised Bilky so long ago. And Bilky keeps reminding one and all how he isn’t doing too well in his twilight years. Is this an omen? Is this a ploy to remove oneself from the show in dignity and honor? As if anyone could leave this show with any dignity left.

Forty miles away, according to Asa, the three dregs of modern American society, Gaybe, Bore and Bum walk into a, well, I am not really sure where they are, but the guy who is there listens to the jerk in front of him tell him he is going to build a castle. On a mountain. In rural Washington State. The guy just stares blankly at NoDuh and has a bemused expression on his face. NoDuh explains that he needs all the cinder blocks he can lay his hands on to build his castle. On a mountain, in Washington State. The guy says sure, tear this cinderblock wall down and they are yours. So the three get into the demo mood and tear down some cinderblocks. NoDuh says he needs 300 cinderblocks to build his castle. 300. Exactly how tall is this castle? 24 inches?

Bilky talks to Bore about moving the storage container/hut, and about bulldozing the Bore estate. Bilky thinks it is dangerous, but if anyone can get it done the right way, the first time, it is Bilky. No shit, Bilky said so. Bore, for whatever reason, agrees.

BirdBrain and AcidRain are in the barn pretending to do chores assigned by Bilky. They move some hay around and wonder at the extreme thrill of actually riding one of the horses that they own. Maybe part of the rental agreement on the horses forbids riding the horses. Seems pretty harsh, but maybe explains why they never do anything except feed the nags.

So lets get out the danger whistles and apprehensive music going as the tag team of Bore, Gaybe and Bilky start their exhibition at Bore’s house-site/skid row. First of all the boys make the big fuss over Bilky and is he healthy enough to do the work. Bilky carries on in true blue Brown fashion as he manages to move the dozer 15 feet. I was on pins and needles worried that he might bite his tongue, or a meteor would tumble down and hit him. I mean, he’s sitting in a dozer driving it around, what could happen? BirdBrain and AcidRain still moving around the barn acting like they got it under control, BirdBrain is now wearing a feather in her hair. Back to the big house move in Bore Gardens, it is going rather well so far. Bilky showing a lot of initiative in getting Bore all straightened out on who is boss.

The goats. Those poor goats. If BirdBrain and Gaybe ain’t staring at them, AcidRain is trying to sniff their urine. Bilky hates ’em it seems, Big Bilky hates Billy goats, go figure. Anyway, to continue, the goats are the main focus of BirdBarin’s and Gaybe’s intense effort to castrate the goat that BirdBrain named Bambi. First effort failed. Since I know next to nothing about the proper method of castrating goats, it is hard for me to belittle them relentlessly in this case. Also the business with the horse is beyond my experience. Horses are big and scary and goats have those freakin creepy eyes. But we do promise 10% more snark at this site, so I will say it was all set up and faked as usual. And the goats are all laughing at BirdBrain and Gaybe.

Overnight a massive snowstorm rocks the Browns into pretty much doing what they were doing before the storm hit, not a whole lot. So, with a foot of snow on the ground, it makes NoDuh realize it is a perfect opportunity to take a 8 1/2 month pregnant woman on a cinderblock rescue mission, and then drive like mad from one spot to the next. You can absolutely tell Rhain w/H is petrified the whole way. When they reach the building site, someone has cleared all the snow away for them. NoDuh starts unloading the cinderblocks while Rhain w/H slowly stumbles into the woods to cry and remember a time when life was normal. She tries hard, for a quick second or so, to play in the freshly fallen snow, but NoDuh drags her away.

A short clip of Bilky wondering if Bilky’s fathers dreams will be discovered. How come Bilky never mentions mommy? Didn’t she have any dreams?

Back to the castle construction. Well, the work here seems to have stopped as NoDuh and Rhain w/H are once again cooking potatoes. Now eating potatoes, and once again looking like potatoes. NoDuh senses that Rhain w/H is stressed out, probably from carrying around the demon child in her body. NoDuh stands up and gives his OB-GYN lecture and info to anyone still watching who didn’t get up to get a beer as soon as his pie hole started moving. Rhain w/H listens to it for awhile (this is the 27th time she has heard it), then complains that she is dizzy and retreats to her stained cot, where she gets out her battery operated DVD player and watches ‘Roadhouse’, and prays that NoDuh gets eaten by a bear. And holding a wire hanger. While eating a potato.

More goats. Part two of ‘Who can castrate a goat?’ begins with BirdBrain and Gaybe still unable to get Bambi neutered. The castration torture drags on for a bit until it dies in another failure. I kept waiting for Gaybe to demonstrate the castration technique on himself.

NoDuh and Rhain w/H gather the cult together for an important announcement. NoDuh explains that with Rhain w/H being very pregnant, they have decided to get a place in town to stay until Lucifer arrives. It is a 4 bedroom, 3 bath ranch with a pool and a hot tub, a media room, 3 car garage, a maid, cook, outdoor kitchen, all on 4 acres, with a pond. They stand there waiting for reactions and not surprisingly, there are none. Nobody cares. Scami hugs BirdBrain for no reason, completely ignoring NoDuh and his harpy, AcidRain stares with daggers at Rhain w/H, Bore talks about himself, Gaybe talks and makes no sense, we get to see Rockwell on the trailer deck waiting to go back inside to play Battlefield V, Bilky is picking at the oatmeal stuck in his mustache, and Bum is seen daydreaming about anything else than these churls he is relegated to living nearby. NoDuh and Rhain w/H get into the vehicle and pretend to drive to town, Scami’s meds kick in and she starts yelling “Howl everyone, Howl!”. Bore, AcidRain, BirdBrain and Gaybe start the incessant howling while Bum just looks away embarrassed. Bilky doesn’t howl either because of his health issues I guess.

Everything is calmed down and the kids have all gone to bed when ALERT ALERT ALERT! Seems the horse decided to give birth with the camera crew away. Why is the crew away? Aren’t they suppose to be filming these whack doodles who pretend to be bush people. Yet we still have film as one of the jerk’s brain cells kicks into gear and grabs a trail camera to film everything. Except the film jumps all over the place, is in black and white, and in the end shows absolutely nothing of a horse giving birth. The next day we see Bilky with the baby horse and he is so proud. So Bilky has successfully made his father’s dream come true. He is thinking ‘I can get a case of Oreos™ and a carton of Marlboros™ for that pony’. All this while Gaybe and Rockwell are trying to relax in the hayloft/chateau up above.

More goats and the third time is a charm as the band is tightly wound around the poor goats aching balls. BirdBrain has done a fine job in her new career of animal husbandry. As Bambi falters to the corner of the barn in horrendous pain, BirdBrain wallows in the pleasure of a job well done. Where is the next goat that needs emasculated? Uh, don’t call us, we’ll call you. Every male viewer is glad that short scenario is over.

Snow melt ensues, ensuring more brainless tactics to move a storage container around the mountain as before. Gaybe and Bilky help Bore move the container to the desired location. The boys consistently ask Bilky if he is dead yet and Bilky keeps in the groove, pushing himself to go beyond what a bulldozer driver must endure on an average day. Go Bilky Go! Bilky keeps the job moving forward and then moves it some more. You can almost hear the thoughts in Bilky’s marble sized mind. “I’m Bilky, Damnit!”… “I’m Bilky F**king Brown!”. The second container is brought up to the first and settled in to rust away, forgotten in the weather. Bore is so proud of his new digs.

The new horse is doing good, the paid trainers have fed him right and exercised him correctly and had the vet visit the new member as soon as he was born. Then their hearts sank as they were forced to hand over the new horse to the Browns and certain malnutrition and neglect. And BirdBrain and AcidRain have not named any of the horses yet. Anyone out there have any good name suggestions for the Brown’s horses? I’m thinking, ‘Dead in a fortnight‘ or ‘Won’t last a month’.

As we near the end of the show we get some more hippie noise out of Bilky and Scami while the banjo music plays. The last sequence is of Bore hauling ass to his storage container ghetto. He happens to mention that “I find myself alone a lot, because people can’t keep up with him”. Uh huh… Ya know Bore, not to be disrespectful, but I don’t think your alone because of that. Bore finally reaches his containers, he climbs on top, starts a fire, stares at the sky and proclaims something profound, I am sure, but I didn’t catch it ’cause I was getting a Twinkie. Nice scene though, at dusk, with the little guy out there enjoying himself. Now he is howling…

Scami and Bilky squeeze in a last unremarkable piece of bullshit before we switch to Gaybe who always seems to be not aware of what is going on. North Star Ranch!

A bit of introspective. Bilky seems to have come to the conclusion that he has one foot in the grave, his inclination to perform as he did in his youth is now forefront. The constant giver of wisdom advice. What is with Bum? Is he now just a co star? It appears that the producers finally became aware that Gaybe and his girlfriend Rockwell are about as interesting as a bologna sandwich as she is seldom seen. BirdBrain, AcidRain, Bore, Scami are still BirdBrain, AcidRain, Bore, Scami. NoDuh and Rhain w/H, you just cannot turn away from watching these two. They have become the mainstay, as he is the all knowing inventor and she is the family ball buster. And now that she is carrying the Anti-Christ, it makes all the focus of attention on them. And for all the talk from Bilky and crew about family, still not one cast member mentioned Matt this whole time.

And only one more episode left this season #10…

more or less….

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

6 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap S10E5 ‘The Chaos Before the Storm’

  1. AWESOME as always and apologies again for the delay in getting it posted!

    One question I thought of while watching this… Is ParkSlop so DUMB they don’t realize people can do simple cursory research and find out the immense bullshit they’re shoveling? 300 blocks to build a castle that they show as being 2 stories with balconies and porches? WTF? 300 blocks wouldn’t build a shed! But hey, he’s a jeen-yus so just go with it.

    MORE… bullshit to come.

  2. I think everybody… cast, crew, and Discovery all quit caring a long time ago. This episodes probably cost $500 bucks, three pizzas and a case of warm beer to shoot, edit and throw on the air.

  3. Good review! I especially liked the reference to “Lucifer” (the baby prophet Elijah) “NoDuh senses that Rhain w/H is stressed out, probably from carrying around the demon child in her body!”

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