The excitement has been building for weeks as NoDuh and his consort have a plan to introduce a hell child into the Northwest. This final episode of the season starts with the new horse and Bilky and Scami. They watch the baby horse walk around a while trying to come up with a name for the horse. They decide on ‘North Star First‘. All the other horses at kindergarten will laugh and make fun of North Star First. Maybe NoDuh’s devil seed about to be born will intervene on behalf of the horse and fate will play out nicely. And heeeeeeres Asa…….
Asa helps us get up to par on stuff we are already quite aware of. It’s gonna snow, so let’s build shelter. This has been the theme for the last 5 episodes and we are no closer to a getting a house done. A little bit has been accomplished, most of it complete foolishness, and Asa still must prompt the Browns to build something, anything. And of course Asa mentions the NoDuh and Rhain w/H situation of giving birth to the hidden false hope of all mankind. With the intro out of the way we skip right into the Birdhouse.
First impression of the Birdhouse is good. The local builders did a pretty good job. BirdBrain makes her best effort to steal the shot by taking a branch and calling it a ‘Bush broom’. She then stumbles around the house sweeping the garbage and animal feces out the door and then sits and looks like a lonely 20 something, totally lost in a confused state, while the camera crew sneak out the back door.
Time to sit around the campfire and reminisce about back home in Alaska in the cabin and the boat. Rather than start any kind of job, they just sit and listen to Bilky’s inane chatter. He crows on about NoDuh over there in Idaho with the chippy who is about to make Scami a grandmother! Scami starts her ‘grandbaby’ mantra early in the show lest we forget what is about to be unleashed on society. We get to see NoDuh and Rhain w/H at their penthouse suite in Idaho sitting around pretending that once the demon is born they will return to live in Washington. Life is full of obstacles, setbacks and struggles is heard from the campfire, as they call it a day and head to town for some prime rib and a soft bed.
AcidRain has weeds in her hair. After a complicated and soulful search for her living quarters, AcidRain finally makes the big presentation. It is a trailer, the sort of trailer you would haul your riding lawnmower on. Her grand plan is to build a house the size of a broom closet, on the trailer, so she can move it around at will. But right now she wants the trailer up there, on that hill. She enlists the aid of Gaybe who shows us for the next three minutes what a complete doofus he is. He hooks the trailer up to a vehicle and tears up the road like he can smell bacon. AcidRain is absolutely in terror as she is holding on for her life and yelling at Gaybe to slow the eff down. He finally gives the wheel over to AcidRain as she drives the rest of the way, while she strips away his masculinity with a lecture on driving. And BTW AcidRain, you look smashing in your subdued burnt oak custom overalls.
Alaskan Bush People, now with scenes from Idaho! NoDuh and Rhain w/H are all settled in their private penthouse in Coeur d’Alene. After Rhain w/H has agreed to do a scene before the mini bakery is brought in, the cameras roll. They talk about the baby, NoDuh rambles on about his goofy family, his new family, while feeling up his tart’s huge pregnant belly. The cameras switch off, Rhain w/H yells at her assistant to get this freaking idiot off of her and bring in the eclairs!
Back up on the North Star Ranch, Gaybe and BirdBrain walk through the woods looking for a tree. There are several there to choose from. The question of what they are planning to do is kind of unclear, they talk in terms of maybe supplying the others with all the wood they need to build houses. And Gaybe does mention a milling set up. So I am assuming a large scale logging operation, one acre, two acres. Gaybe fires up the chainsaw and about kills himself with a tree falling on him. BirdBrain is upset that Gaybe isn’t being more careful. Now they must cut up a tree on the ground, and to measure how long to cut it, BirdBrain lays down on the tree. Gaybe cuts it and explains to all the perplexed viewers that, “Us bush retards don’t need a measuring tape to measure, we use whatever is handy, like this bloody arm on the ground here, hey, that looks like my arm”. Then the two leave the woods. They cut one tree. Dreams of a huge and profitable wood milling enterprise have dissolved in the space of 180 seconds.
Bum makes his entrance joining Bore on a trip to the projected castle site that NoDuh was planning. They want to help NoDuh get organized and started since NoDuh himself has been ‘inventing’ useless moronic stuff that no one wants instead of working on the castle. NoDuh did steal some used cinderblocks, so the two hook up another trailer that happens to be laying around, and start hauling bricks up the hill. The good old Chevy Suburban is apparently on it’s last cylinder as Bum yells at Bore and Bore acts like he just did a bump. They are having difficulty with the plan right away.
In Idaho, the two Browns that people stay away from, are playing with a stack of disposable diapers. As NoDuh looks dreamily into Rhain w/H’s eyes (and as the rest of us have a gag reflex), we are taken by Flashback to the romancing days of this couple in Alaska, on the beach, the moment of their first kiss, holding hands, finding out that you knocked her up and got to get hitched. The succubus baby kicks Rhain w/H’s liver and laughs.
Brick teamsters guys are still in the game driving the cinderblocks around. Bum seems completely pissed he had to come to work today and has to be in a scene with Bore. To Bore’s defense, he really seemed to be doing OK. Bum is driving and just yelling at Bore to get out of the way.
Gaybe, BirdBrain and AcidRain decide to help the castle build by taking snow shovels up to the site and shoveling snow away. They mention that they are preparing the foundation for the castle. In the frozen ground. Without a blueprint. Gaybe walks out the measurements, BirdBrain throws a brick on the spot of a corner, AcidRain is standing there with her hands in her pockets wondering whether to have poached salmon or St. Louis ribs for dinner. Watching this scene is so laughable, you just know that there will not be a true square angle to be found anywhere near this castle. And it looks like there might be enough blocks to build a BBQ grill, but nothing else. It looks like maybe enough for a shed wall.
Bore wakes up in his storage container and admires what he sees in the mirror, then regales us with stories of hair combing and produces a spork to comb his hair with. He then tells us the spork not only combs hair but you can eat soup with it. Castle work continues, now over to the Birdhouse to watch BirdBrain put a knick knack on a shelf. And a scene with AcidRain and her trailer. Flashback to Alaska with the happy days of living together, AcidRain and BirdBrain take a walk down memory lane. AcidRain says we have all become strong, amazing adults. And all this time I would have said cartoon characters straight from the asylum.
In Idaho, Rhain w/H is getting ready to ruin Noahs life permanently. One big push and it is all over, buddy. NoDuh says he is ready, he moved the truck and everything. Back at the NSR (that’s North Star Ranch), the kids grab Bilky and Scami and head to the car to see the second brother who escaped, and his wife. They pile into the car, Mr. Cupcake forgets his lines and jumps into the car, then jumps back out, Bum declines the invitation to go with them. He has obviously had enough of this stale rendition of another Alaska reality show.
Rhain w/H and NoDuh are now officially at the hospital. Or a television set made to look a lot like a hospital.
Once in the car on the way to Idaho, Bilky starts banging out the instructions for visiting new moms in the hospital. No knives and guns and act civilized. That is pretty much it. Wow. Scami’s Xanax kicks in and she says she is on the little yellow brick road to grandbabies. Bilky and Scami can’t help but go into Flashback mode as they describe the pleasures of never going to the hospital to have a baby. Bilky explains that Scami ‘cant handle’ hospitals whatever that means. She can handle shacks in the middle of nowhere screaming in labor pains for 16 hours with no pain killer meds and no hygienic conditions I guess. What a moron. With Bilky driving to Idaho, he looks to the clouds and asks if the baby will be like NoDuh. Very scary thought.
Rhain w/H and NoDuh are in the hospital where there seem to be no doctors, no nurses and no staff. She mentions how they have been there all night with no sleep. NoDuh starts in with his thoughts on female issues and birth procedures. Ew. Good grief. Ew.
Browns make it safely to Idaho where they gather at the hospital to bear witness to the child who’s name is never to be mentioned’s birth, even Bum had a change of heart and came by to give his blessing. I guess the producers told Bum to show his mug on screen and smile or no payday. Everyone is all excited. Bore says he will be the greatest uncle, BirdBrain is the godmother, just call Scami granny. Scami shows off the blanket she plans to give to Rhain w/H, she found it in the gutter outside the emergency room.
And then, NoDuh comes through the doors, a little weak in the knees, he tells the assembled group that 7 pounds and 5 ounces of a huge disturbance in the force that has just happened. Everyone is joyful. Scami cries, Bilky wonders when the little one can start working, everyone ignores Rhain w/H. They all gather around the little fellow and smile.
Bilky starts his last minute gospel about family, babies, North Star Ranch, working together and on and on. Flashback time again as we see pictures and videos of the kids, everyone says ‘wolfpack’ at least one time.
Still no Mutt, but rumors fly around that Mutt may come back. I have read also that Bore broke up with his fiance Raven, who claims to be a model because her mother, a photographer, took some pictures of her. I guess according to that logic everyone whose mother EVER took a picture of them is now a ‘model’.
After all this time Scami finally has her grandbabies. Will this become a regular feature in the future episodes? Is Discovery going to make a newborn a cast member before they have a chance to decline?
So we come to the end of another season of ABP. Will the series continue? Are the fans still watching? It seems that the whole premise of the show is lacking in several ways, most of it looks like a home video shot on economy budget. Since the move to Washington the Browns have built a barn, got some livestock and struggled to make suitable shelters. Bilky has health issues and the kids seem fine with their station in life. Gone are the days of life in Alaska, although the cast members sure talk about it enough though. What can the future hold for this show, what is next? After the last episode there were no trailers for next season, so what happens next is anyone’s guess. At one point last season, Gaybe and Raquell were all set to get married (on June 14th I think) but cancelled when Bilky got sick. Will Gaybe get married and have grandbabies?
The houses that got built were inadequate for the harsh weather in Washington. No plumbing, no heat, no electricity. Of course we all are aware that they do not actually live on this mountain at all, well, maybe a night or two for kicks. So it makes me wonder, why show it? Why have the kids build these ‘play’ houses when the real challenge would be to build a functional house with solar heating, professional construction, water supply and so on. It seems it would be a lot more interesting to watch even if the kids just sort of helped a little in construction. If you have ever seen the show ‘Building Off the Grid’ you know what I mean. The whole idea of trying to convince us that they are self sufficient and able to construct a well built barn but resort to half baked storage container ideas, and castles that require a sum total of 300 cinderblocks is lame.
The NoDuh, Rhain w/H story is either waiting to be played out here or elsewhere, or the whole romance will wither on the vine.
Still about the stupidest show on television, still love to watch it.
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