After a brief respite, the Alaskan Bush People have returned with a season 11. The last season played out only three months ago, where the Brown’s were on the verge of failure due to inadequate shelter, low food supply and an overall appearance of domestic stagnancy. NoDuh and his squeeze had a son, animals were raised, and the plans for permanent housing were drawn up. They are not in Alaska, nor do they appear to be ‘bush people’. Winter seemed ready to unleash its’ fury and we were left with a drama unfolding which, I assumed, would be explained later.
No such luck. The whole danger of last season’s cliffhanger seems to be forgotten as the writers obviously couldn’t flesh out any sort of angle. This episode starts with the intro by Asa, and a look back with the flashback mode, to the Brown family and what it has been like for the most foolish people on TV today. Asa goes on to explain the highlights to be seen further down this season’s path. It looks exciting.
BirdBrain opens the show with a useful demonstration of how to do laundry using a rock, and some soap, and a bucket of water. As if any of us believe that is how the laundry gets done on North Star Ranch, in Washington State. Next up is the nickel tour of the ranch, the daily feeding of the animals, cleaning up the barn. It is a remarkably nice day, no sign of snow, rain, cold breezes. Winter has apparently gone away and the Brown cult somehow survived the freezing winter on the mountain after all. I guess because it is the first episode of the season, Asa is committed to telling us the now stale story of Bilky and Scami, and how they lived like bums and hobos in Alaska for years and years. Asa ends the tragic tale by telling of their now fruitful position on a Washington mountain in the middle of nowhere.
Bilky and the kids sit around the campfire that the production crew set up for them. Bilky explains that “We need water”, and starts the seed of an adventure that is sure to be laughed at. They have been on this mountain for months and now is the time to get a windmill and pump free water for the ranch. So who ya gonna call? Bilky has a friend of a friend who knows a guy with a windmill that they can steal. Bilky goes into great detail about windmill technology and convinces the other churls to follow the plan. BirdBrain is sporting a cowgirl look with her cowboy hat, while the others are still looking like the sad characters they portray on this show.
Windmills…remember the last windmill undertaking? It was supposedly a wind turbine and they acted like it worked and everything, but details seemed to point otherwise as we watched the whole debacle play out. It was while they were still in Alaska and they actually end up tearing it down later. So I guess the plan is to get another try at a windmill that pumps water. Just don’t put NoDuh in charge. Or Bore. Or Bilky. Well…. just don’t.
Time for Rhain w/H to make her grand entrance as she and NoDuh and the spawn go for a Sunday stroll through the local junkyard. Romance fades as the rats scurry for cover. NoDuh gets right to the point and announces his newest invention, a cement mixer. Okay, I know, a cement mixer has already been invented, but let’s hear NoDuh out. He informs us of the equipment needed to construct this mixer and then gets to the real gist of this scene were he tells us, through misty eyes, how his dream is to build something with his son, Eli, or to teach his son, Eli, how to build something. Grand plans indeed, a true goal. NoDuh pauses for effect as we all reach for our tissues or our vomit bucket. Eli is strapped onto some horrid looking alien mutant… Oh wait, that is Rhain w/H. Anyway, Eli looks very cute, nailed his script dialogue, acted like a true baby. This is Eli’s second season, I am wondering how much he gets paid, how much cash they have to rip out of Bilky’s greasy fingers to satisfy the parents’ greed? The happy family pack up the brand new junk and head back to the mountain, or if after 5, the Sunnyday Resort and Spa, room 236.
Over to BirdBrain’s birdhouse in the trees. From the outside it looks like a pitiful, sad, lonely reminder of just who we are dealing with here. On the inside it only gets worse. BirdBrain is now in the middle of her transformation from a clueless idiot to a clueless cat woman idiot. Let me be brutally honest, the first scene is of a cat throwing up a hairball, you can just smell the cat urine and feces through your television set. The place is dark, dank, probably moldy and there are like 20 cats trapped inside with BirdBrain. She is making a pillow out of, did I hear her right, cat hair? OMG…. She finishes up the pillow and then lays down on it and sobs in despair at her utterly useless life. Even BirdBrain’s siblings do a little camera time and talk about how she is a cat lady now, living in a shack, in a tree, with a bunch of mangy cats. Wow.
Bilky, Scami and Bore travel first class over to Coalville to harass an unsuspecting, innocent family into trading him their windmill for some garbage Bilky has lying around. The paid extras, posing as a rural, hard working, honest family, walk the Browns through the fields to the windmill as Bilky waxes on about his ignorance of windmills. How they work, how to take one apart, how to put it together, no experience with windmills whatsoever. Yet he had a windmill in Alaska, granted, a wind turbine, but it still counts, right? As they move closer to the windmill, the paid farmer tells everyone that you have to cross a bog to get to it. You can see the mud hole, about 12 feet across. Bore jumps right into the muddy, sticky, smelly morass and comes out the other side and up the windmill to the top. As Bilky and Scami smile, the flashback machine is turned on and the Bore story is being told. Just a crazy but likable bush fool. Hey Bore! Give us a howl from on top of the windmill! Bore howls….
The silliest part of the show begins with an outdoor shot of Bore’s storage container housing project and then we go inside. Now I am assuming the writers and producers were seeing how far they could push the Bore character. The scene begins with Bore all excited to show us his new workout equipment, he demonstrates the contraption over his bed that consists off a board, tied to some frayed rope all tangled up, going through pulleys attached to the walls. He climbs aboard and does the most absurd set of exercises ever since we watched NoDuh do his workouts. Bore is really, and I mean really, getting into the bedroom S&M domination scene. The writers and producers are probably still talking and laughing about how they got Bore to do that shit. You have to wonder how a girlfriend of Bore’s seeing this for the first time, would react to his bedroom outfitted with ropes and boards hung over the bed. Would she go running into the woods screaming or just laugh at the ignorant little man whose every other word is ‘extreme’.
BirdBrain and AcidRain run some water over to the goats and tell them goodbye for the day. Today is the big windmill deconstruct that will be super exciting. Meanwhile NoDuh and Bum prepare the ground to lay the foundation for the windmill when it is ready to go up. Bilky, Scami, BirdBrain, AcidRain, Gaybe and Bore head into the nearest vehicle and burn up the road till they get to the farm with the windmill. Bilky lays out the plan, loosen the bolts and remove the bolts till it falls apart, then load it up in the little trailer. Next thing we know is that Bilky and Scami disappear, leaving 2 morons and 2 imbeciles to take the windmill apart and load it. Bore shows everyone his extra pair of shoes that he brought. He crows how he is prepared. He was there before, saw the muddy bog, yet neglected to tell the others to dress accordingly. What a jerk. The others find some large plastic trash bags and duct tape, and cover their jeans and shoes with that. Now they all look like jackasses out in a field in the middle of no where.
NoDuh and Bum are still working on the foundation. NoDuh is talking to Bum about being a father and Bum pretty much tells him he has heard enough. All Bum wants to do is get the job done rather than listen to NoDuh ramble on in his sporty yet disturbing leather jacket better suited to Sturgis than a mountain construction area.
Windmill crew of Gaybe and Bore are at the top of the windmill removing the blades. Bore appears to be in charge so this is pretty well doomed. Thunder starts rumbling, or at least we are shown stock footage of clouds and then hearing thunder. BirdBrain is in the bog mess chasing a frog, and catches the frog. She shows the boys the frog and says she ‘Caught a frog in a bog’. They just ignore her. BirdBrain allows the frog to be free and then feels the rise of depression starting in her gut slowly making it’s way to her head.
Back at NoDuh’s FEMA tent, the techno metal music blasts as NoDuh starts work on the cement mixer. He is drilling holes, making noises and then starts the annoying display of the know-it-all inventor we all love to hate, as he mansplains the key workings of his little invention to all of us wusses. And since we got NoDuh all over the screen, why not a NoDuh flashback with all the heaped on praise and goofy inventions being shown. Once that nonsense is complete we go back to the field where Gaybe and Bore are sharing about a square foot of space 30 feet in the air.
Bilky pulls up to the windmill in a cherry picker, which he said he traded a photo of a salmon, a prayer rug made from dog fur and a broken tent stake from season 2. Bilky pulled up on the other side of the bog… Why didn’t they just go that way the first time? Cherry picker is a great idea but also the source of much drama as it may tip over, or can’t handle the weight. Bilky and crew work furiously to get the job done and the windmill loaded.
Over at the foundation, Bum is tired of waiting for the genius to invent a cement mixer, he just starts mixing the cement in the wheelbarrow. So while Bum is working alone mixing the cement, and pouring it also, NoDuh sits and gives a talking head interview dissing Bum as unimaginative and stupid. What a creep.
Since we have seen the other flashbacks of members in the cast, it is time to see AcidRain’s little flashback. From a cute 8 year old to a reality star teen diva.
Windmill demo goes crazy, lots of danger and the thoughts of accidental death is on everyone’s mind. Suddenly the worse happens as Bore nicks his finger and a bit of blood is dropped. Tape it up bush style and back to work. BirdBrain and AcidRain now go abuse the goats, making them give up some goat milk so that they can make ice cream. They eat the ice cream. Ice cream gone.
Pouring concrete and windmill demo is just a memory as Bilky and crew head back to North Star Ranch to get ready to film another day.
First episode in the can, not a bad episode but not the best either. No explanation as to how these folks survived the winter in unheated housing, where did they get their food from, how did they manage to keep the animals alive. Matt is still a no show, no explanation given on his whereabouts either. Can’t remember if we got to see Mr. Cupcake. We got to see BirdBrain’s house, Gaybe lives in the barn, Bore is living in his storage container, NoDuh has his FEMA tent, so where do AcidRain and Bum go to sleep? NoDuh’s castle project got little mention, has he given up or has Rhain w/H slapped some sense into his head finally. I imagine she is pushing for a double wide 2 bathroom with a fireplace and hot tub. Still no sign yet of Gabe’s girlfriend. Last I saw she was living in the barn, was supposed to get married, possibly pregnant?!?! Where are you, Rockwell ?
The teasers for this season’s shows tell us there may be a fire, Bore tricks some girl into thinking he would be a suitable human mate, and other exciting sub plots to see.
Lots of flashback sequences again this season, like we need to be reminded of how they got to be the biggest chuds on TV.
……more, or less.