‘Bears of a Feather‘; now that is an excellent title. It promises drama, excitement, comic relief, bears… Can it possibly live up to its’ title? That is the real question, as we all buckle up and get set to take a ride on the Brown Family Barnstormin’ Tour.
Asa fills us in on the family’s adventures till now. We see the cultists gathering in the driveway as the anticipation grows. Asa now has only one subject to talk about, and that is ‘The Animals of North Star Ranch’ like they are the salvation of mankind and only Bilky was able to see the future. We see the goats, the horses, the ducks. Asa finally winds down and now Bilky has his little scripted nonsense of being self sufficient and living free. He has what he has always wanted, and thanks to the Discovery Channel, Park Slope and the viewers like us, he now has it. But not until that dang windmill is put up! Time to get the kids up and start pretending they actually do stuff around here. And it’s called a wind pump but I’ll let it slide.
After all the livestock talk, a truck and trailer are heading up the Brown’s rut filled driveway. Hey! It’s Bill and Margaret Fullershit! The Fullershits have brought up some new animals for the Browns to play with for an episode or two. I would love to hear what the Fullershits have been up to since last time, but they are busy helping the Browns get the trailer backed up. Okay, got that done, how are things with the Fullershits? No time to answer as we are too busy watching the Brownklown children tease the new mysterious livestock. Margaret, Bill… tell us how you are doing, how are things down south? Can’t talk now as the new ostriches are pulled from the trailer and put into a fabulous, brand spanking new, chain link fence pen for the ostrich. And not just one ostrich, but three, as Bilky grins wildly ear to ear and the Fullershits finally just shake their heads and leave in disgust. Margaret didn’t even have a chance to make her famous ‘Texas Trash‘ inedible snack dish for the family. I miss the Fullershits already.
While Bilky bores the world as he now is the expert on ostriches, I phone Vegas and place my bets on how long the ostriches will appear on the future shows. Once the bets are placed and the transfer made, I rejoin the show. Bilky is just at the end of his little lesson and tells us ostriches are unable to fly. Wow, this guy is smart.
As the ostriches run around this really, really nice chain linked fenced in pen that someone put up for the Browns, we hear the newest in a long line of get rich schemes or survival enforcement. It’s EGGS! OSTRICH EGGS! Sell ’em, trade ’em, make a fortune off ’em. “It’s never too late to be up to date, you can get it now but you have to wait”. Thanks Mr. Hicks (RIP), I knew I would find a use for that somewhere, somehow. Yep, there’s gold in them thar eggs. Gaybe stands up to the camera and mumbles how the North Star Ranch is a working ranch and raising ostriches on a mountaintop in the state of Washington seems perfectly sane and reasonable. Gaybe has a big problem with the word ‘ostrich’, among many others, it may be the 35 yards of barbed wire fencing tangled up in his teeth.
This series wouldn’t be half bad if the next cast member stopped showing his face, but, as sure as the sun shines in the morning, NoDuh walks into the next scene to annoy us all. He and Rhain w/H and their son Eli are down the mountain at a lake. They are enjoying the water and the sunny day while NoDuh tells the story off having to leave his wife and son in town (at the deluxe motel) while he lives on the mountain. He explains that the M*A*S*H tent is not the place he wants to raise a child. And since he would rather walk the beach and build useless ‘inventions’ rather than work on his castle, nothing ever gets done on the housing situation.
Asa gets on board and starts telling us the castle can’t get built right away because of the problem securing the needed permits and building issues. He tells us that the work has gotten off to a good start but everything is on hold at the moment. Best part of this whole episode is encapsulated in the next ten seconds as we see the progress of the ‘castle fortress’ NoDuh is building. We see about 7 boards with a couple of cinder blocks laying around, and a bent metal fence post. What a joke. Nothing in the way of construction, no foundation, just some boards and blocks strewn on the ground. Looks like all of about 2 minutes of work. And the true believers of this crapola series wonders why we make constant fun of the Browns and their fake adventures. So NoDuh says he will stay in M*A*S*H tent while work continues on stupid castle, but not today, as he sits on the beach, stuffing hot dogs in his mouth, and washing it down with Fresca™. What. A. Jerk.
Big windmill project underway. How did they manage a permit for that in one day, but can’t get the green light for a massive castle in the mountains? Whatever, now BirdBrain and Bum are in charge of rebuilding the windmill. The producers show us a great graphic that shows the completed windmill, and what the windmill does. Looks good on paper, let’s see how it turns out. So we got these two at the windmill foundation, and the well obviously has already been drilled, I, for one, would have liked to have seen the drilling of the well, that seems interesting. BirdBrain and Bum seem a little lost as we go into the flashback of Bum. Good ole Bum is hardworking, he’s stubborn, is opinionated, but an alright sort of dude. Next week a flashback of Bore and his issues with B.O. Back to work and the mill is looking good, the paid construction crew must have stepped in while the flashback was being shown.
BirdBrain wanders off from the mill to play with her new pets, the ostriches. She walks in the pen with some feathers in her hand, sits down and tells us all the new names of her ostriches. ‘Southern Belle’ and ‘Seymour Legs’, I guess the third ostrich doesn’t get a name. All the other ostriches will make fun of them and text evil shit about them. So the feathers she brought are fashioned into a headdress, which BirdBrain now puts on, and starts talking to the birds. I just sat there amazed at what people will do for a buck and a camera. These are now her new BFF and she seems in heaven.
NoDuh is battling obesity as he fights the last few yards on the slight inclined path to reach his beloved M*A*S*H tent, only to find that the local bear(s) have gently opened the flap and knocked over a few things and then left, again, gently, through the same flap. Now we finally get the hidden title meaning of tonight’s episode ‘Bores of a Feather’, bears and ostriches, oh, those writers ain’t paid enough. Anyhow, NoDuh surveys the very minimal damage while we are treated to another in a long line of stock infrared footage of bears roaming around at night in the woods getting the party started. Then we see some infrared footage of the ostriches at night looking alarmed, but, I mean, don’t those birds always look a little alarmed? Back to bear, then ostrich, then bear and then nothing really happens. We do get the drift that the ostriches and other animals attract bears, albeit, polite bears who do minimum damage, and only pester the livestock a bit before heading to the den, to watch golf on TV, in their underwear.
Next morning BirdBrain is at the pen checking out the little dent in the chain link fence that the bear made. She is pissed! She lumbers off to the woods to scream at those bears that are causing her all this anguish. She climbs a hill, down a valley, over the creek to where she comes across the cutest littlest bear and starts yelling at it to ‘Go away’, ‘Shoo’. You never actually see BirdBrain and the baby cub in the same shot of course, because it is all made up and fake, and the producers are just trying to sell us a stupid story of a family of morons who make frightfully bad mistakes in life. The little bear runs off to his trainer, where the frightened creature is given a snack and put back in his little shelter, safe from the Browns till next time.
Now the human named Bore makes his debut in tonight’s show, just what we were all waiting for. He is next to the chain link fence where the genteel bears have caused a bit of damage. Bore starts off on his 3000 mg caffeine, 200 MPH power story of ostriches, ostrich eggs, fencing, bears, evil bears, living in a fishbowl, must protect animals, blah blah blah….. “How do you protect the animals from predators?”, he asks. Bore jumps up and starts spreading pepper- fiery pepper – all around the pen like a escaped lunatic while telling us the mantra of ‘without animals there is no ranch’. He tosses the empty pepper carton and as the bewildered ostriches look on, Bore does a somersault and races off to the woods to climb trees and howl, I suppose. Or doing exercises in his bondage getup above his bed.
Bilky and Scami are up now as they sit in the woods somewhere, and discuss Gaybe getting married to Rockwell. My hearing is not the greatest, but it sounds like they call him stupid and naïve and seem to not want the boy to get married. But never mind that! It’s Mr. Cupcake in his season introduction and he looks fabulous! Ole Cupcake is not given any lines in this scene but his presence is enough for now. We go to a flashback of Gaybe as even the producers appear to show us that Gaybe is a complete dufus and not to be taken seriously. The scenes of Gaybe and his girlfriend/fiancé/squeeze are shown, holding hands, kissing, wiping the cow crap off their bare feet. Bilky and Scami think the wedding is happening too quick, and they seem to mention it is in 3 hours and they are dressed to go. Bilky is wearing his t shirt and wore out jeans with a Goodwill™ jacket. Scami has on her 1920’s flapper costume. We never do see a wedding.
NoDuh has enlisted Bore to help in the development of a bear protection device to be used at NoDuh’s M*A*S*H tent. Well, this ought to be good. They start work on it with some wood and a piece of chicken wire. NoDuh doesn’t want to kill the bears or maim them, hey, they have families, so he must use all of his imaginative and genius level assets to create a humane way to scare or deter imaginary bears from his M*A*S*H tent. Why do I keep calling it a M*A*S*H tent? Because that’s what NoDuh keeps calling it, at least 50 times on this episode.
Back at the windmill project site, Asa reminds us that water is important. I paused the show and wrote that down for future reference. He now starts on the paranoia everyone is experiencing because some amiable bears are seemingly everywhere, and death is just around the corner. Except today of course, as the motley crew of BirdBrain and Bum stand 10 feet above ground and debate the safety strap issue and reconstruction methods. But the windmill is making progress.
Ostrich feeding time! Gaybe and BirdBrain enter the pen and start making sounds that either an ostrich makes or constipation pains, your choice. Gaybe tells some interesting facts about the ostriches, they can supposedly kick and kill attacking lions. I was not aware of that. The ostriches look on in bewilderment as the two start digging a hole to be used as a nest for the ostriches. Rather than continue the job, they immediately start goofing off doing other weird things, before finally completing the job. Gaybe lays down in the nest to test it out. I was praying one of the ostriches would kick Gaybe right where the ying meets the yang.
The bear protection device at the M*A*S*H tent is going well, as NoDuh puts the electrical clamps on the chicken wire and board. It only covers one side. The conciliatory bears only have to go around to the other side to get in and knock a couple things around. And we really don’t know what the clamps are hooked up to anyway as we never are shown. I bet the bears laugh at this thing along with all the viewers tonight, it is absurd.
Taking over for Bum at the windmill site is Bore. BirdBrain smugly talks about Bum’s fear of heights, and how he is unable to work any further. Bum probably just had plans for something else, like going to see a Taylor Swift concert. Bore hops right on board and looks busy. The frame is finished and now it is time for the most dangerous of dangers, the assembly of the rotor and the blades. Here comes NoDuh around the mountain with a cherry picker he ‘borrowed’ from a local junkyard. The Browns and their friendly junkyards, everything in these junkyards is near new and always works. How convenient. AcidRain shows up and is determined to conquer her fear of heights by riding in the bucket while NoDuh is at the controls…Ooooooookay…… And up we go, but not before a flashback of AcidRain freaking out in high places.
AcidRain and Gaybe rise higher and higher. AcidRain is clearly terrified and holding on for dear life as NoDuh jerks the controls around. But we know it is fake, you see the two in the bucket, next shot is NoDuh at the controls, then back and forth but never do we see them together in one shot. They continue to yell commands and insults at each other till it isn’t funny anymore, and then drop down to ‘retie’ the rotor in a better spot. The on site medics give out meds and treat panic attacked AcidRain as we move on to the next silly scene.
Since Bum cannot ride the high picker, he is regulated to feeding the starving and neglected animals since the ‘fun’ ostriches showed up. He throws hay to the horsies and feeds the others. You can just see the seething anger at being belittled by BirdBrain, he just acts out his role in the scene and then leaves in a huff.
Last chance on the windmill as the daylight is almost gone. Makes you wonder when they started, at 8:30 PM? The rotor has been retied to make it more accessible and up we go again with AcidRain in near shock and Gaybe just acting like a brain dead idiot along for the ride. AcidRain declares she cannot live with the guilt of not being able to ride the cherry picker, so with a determination and courage only seen in big game hunters and trapeze artists, she manages to do just fine. In the end it gets all hooked up and they gather for a group howl at the base.
A commercial airs a new show coming up after this one where it is ‘Bore vs. Bore’, whatever that means. I’ll pass.
Gaybe meets us at his living quarters which is a barn loft. He is getting ready to make some coffee, but since their is no running water, he has to fill a filthy bucket and tie it to a rope and go upstairs to the loft and pull it up. If I had to go through all that just to have a cup of coffee, I would just rent an apartment in town and drive out to the ranch every day. But Gaybe says he loves it, living in the stinking barn with no heat or even a bathroom, just a wore out mattress on the floor, and violent fantasies that every night get worse and worse.
It’s time to eat some ostrich eggs! They gather around outside by the fire and Bore goes crazy on the eggs, punching them and cooking and acting like a complete slob while eating. ‘Rain or shine, it’s breakfast time” someone yells, and then back to the windmill. Bore runs to the mill and climbs up to tug the rope that starts the windmill in motion. It does work, it is spinning around. Of course it isn’t hooked up, so the point is, it is basically meaningless. They gather at the bottom and Bilky says ‘it’s a windmill’ and he looks so happy.
Another BS episode in the can. The danger of living around bears was again the main concern tonight, except there really seems to be no bears around, even as they tell us they are everywhere. The paid outside contractors did a satisfying job on the windmill, once they get the water hooked up they can be proud of themselves. The Browns lit out after filming was done to roam the aisles of the local Walmart and visit their fans at convenience stores everywhere, to take a selfie or two. After the show I went outside and screamed for a bit.
As I was watching the closing titles, I just felt inclined to give a shout out to the colorist on the show, Jane Tolmachyov, she is doing a smashing job and we all appreciate the effort that you make.
The teasers tell us about the future shows and the never ending dangers of living at North Star Ranch, they seemed to focus on weather issues.