Another fun filled episode of the Alaskan Bullshit People. They still don’t reside in Alaska, they are probably more ranch than bush, and calling them ‘people’ always makes me chuckle. Tonight’s episode is all in your face about the bad storm headed straight for the North Star Ranch and the Brown family who resides there. We are reminded continually that the storm is on its way, just over the hill, ready to rain havoc and destruction down on the poor imbeciles and their simple structures. A recurring theme throughout the whole ABP series is the dangers and trials that the Browns face as a result of poor life choices. Ramshackle shelter, boats that sink, attacking animals, no food, no water, no money but a singular effort to remain a connected family that fights through all adversity. And it is all made up apparently. Just another clueless ride down the heavily travelled reality television road.
This thinly thought out episode starts with Gaybe in the woods cutting lumber to use as wedding benches for his big day with Rockwell. Rockwell is Gaybe’s girlfriend who is barely seen and doesn’t have a lot to say. We know very little about her from the show, except that they were going to get married earlier and were forced to cancel the plans when Bilky pretended to get sick. Both Scami and Bilky regard Gaybe’s marriage as a disaster for him for some reason. Previous shows have shown the parents in agony, as they discuss how immature and stupid Gaybe is. With that said, Gaybe is merrily sawing away on trees to make seating for the dozen or so interested parties who care to see Gaybe and Rockwell get hitched.
Meanwhile, Asa fills us in on the always stale storyline emerging from the ranch. Summer is here, the horse had a colt to everyone’s surprise, the cow had a calf and everything is good on the mountain. No mention yet from Asa about the storm, that will come later, in hurried, exasperated gasps, to increase the tension later on. Bilky and family gather around the fire pit and discuss the need for a water storage and delivery system. They need water, the animals need water dang nab it. The windmill is up but still not hooked to a well, time to finish the job. Need water tanks to store the water in. The boys and girls scurry off to do their chores while Bilky lumbers back to the sanctity of his trailer, pops open a Hamms beer, turns on the telly and binge watches Sky King. Bilky always had a thing for Penny.
As if we never get enough of NoDuh, we are again assaulted by some insane NoDuh issues and ideas that are plainly laughable. Tonight’s wild idea is to make a shower for NoDuh’s M*A*S*H tent. First off, why does he continually use the expression ‘M*A*S*H tent’? I’ve watched M*A*S*H and NoDuh’s tent looks little like a tent used on that show. His tent is propped up by aluminum poles, is white-ish in color, and not very big. I think he just likes saying ‘M*A*S*H tent’. Second, if it is his intention to make a shower for the tent, what did they use before to keep clean. And no water for cleaning dishes, clothes, or for cooking. Also, Bilky complained that the animals were using tons of water, so where did this water come from? Did they pay or barter for a delivery every other day to fill buckets and bottles? Since no explanation is given, we move on. NoDuh claims to be working harder than ever to make an extra room in the tent and a shower for his family, he hauls some 2 X 4’s around and shows the viewers what a total mess you can make of pristine land in a short time. I mean, there is garbage and useless stuff lying around everywhere.
Asa is back with his first dire warning of storms heading the Brown’s way, and we see stock footage of dark clouds, lighting strikes, flooding. Asa has it under control, though, as he is cool as a cucumber. He knows he has a rented apartment in Glendale to go home to after this narration gig, maybe even hit a movie premiere this evening. Asa finishes up his scripted report of dangerous conditions, mud, rain and total chaos up in the North Star Ranch once the storm hits. Thanks, Asa, for the fabulous talk-over.
Bum and Gaybe head to town to forage for large water tanks. Stop at Lowes? Stop over at Home Depot? How about the Farm and Home supply store? No. No. And no. Instead, let’s visit Rory at the local junkyard where they have everything you need, in great shape, and it all works like new. And just like that, Rory sends the boys to a field where there is an old school bus and two 2,500 gallon water tanks. Rory spent $1000 on them, but will let the guys have ’em for $500. Bum goes into barter overdrive and offers $250 and Gaybe slaving away at the junkyard for a weekend or two. Once the deal is ironed out and laughed at, the crew loads the tanks on a trailer and drive off. But not without the constant warning to Gaybe from Bum about the inherent dangers of working around fiberglass-enclosed 2,500 gallon water tanks. Bum pretty much compares fiberglass to cancer and radiation poisoning.
We get to see the new arrivals of the colt and calf while listening to the forever talked about, but seldom seen, huge dangerous storm that is almost upon the family of cultists and educationally deprived. At this point, even I was looking out the windows and getting worried about the storm.
Back to the complete confusion that is NoDuh. Now he has brought up his mule and his son Eli. NoDuh has dressed the mule up in shorts and a black, wore out, mess of a wig. He calls the mule Rhain w/H. Together they start aimlessly moving junk around until the camera stops, then Rhain w/H gets her camera time to explain why the castle fortress that they planned on building is not going anywhere. Too many ordinances, zoning issues and permit snafus to feasibly get the project going forward. And it is a lot easier to pretend to live in a tent, on a mountain, on a reality show, then to actually try to build a stupid castle. Rhain w/H smiles smugly, like everything she just said makes a lick of sense. The camera turns to NoDuh and he shamelessly explains his need to provide the best luxuries in life to his ball and chain. Like a shower, in a tent, with no running water, on a nowhere mountain, with no electricity, with him. With that said, he goes back to building the luxury shower with parts he found in the woods and at the surprisingly fruitful junkyard in town. That Rhain w/H is one lucky gal…
Asa gets the next scene going in traditional danger mode, as he informs us of the maximum dangers of driving up the most dangerous road in Washington State, with two enormous, dangerous, fiberglass water tanks, at terribly accelerated speeds all to furnish water to the churls who don’t even live there but 3 days a year. Asa neglects to tell us of the dangerous cast members, Gaybe and Bum, who somehow have been enlisted in this badly written segment. Up the hill the boys fly, Gaybe loves the driving, although it has been pointed out earlier that Gaybe is perhaps the worst driver in the known history of the world. Bum has got his lines memorized as he sits shotgun and yells at Gaybe to, “Slow down !!!”. This adventure lasts a bit, till it is not even funny anymore, and they reach their destination, the middle of the road somewhere.
Back to NoDuh. He continues work on the tent while still ranting on about giving Rhain w/H a more luxurious life, like she had before she married his sorry ass. NoDuh’s key words this week are ‘luxury’, ‘luxurious’, and ‘M*A*S*H tent’. And the more that NoDuh goes on about giving Rhain w/H a better life, like she had before, it makes you wonder what did she have before she met this fraudulent, giant, potato shaped moron who talks funny? I mean, living in a trailer park with a meth lab next door would actually be better than the North Star Ranch and all it entails. To each his own… Bore shows up now that Rhain w/H has left the set to keep her appointment with ‘her boys’ at the Stumble Inn Saloon and Grille in town. NoDuh drags some wood pallets that he plans on using for the floor of the shower. What luxury! Now even Bilky chimes in, now that his meds have worn down. He mentions he can relate to NoDuh in trying to furnish the nice things in life for his wife, better than what she had growing up. I had to laugh, the shot of the dilapidated old tent was the last place I think anyone would want to live. And one look at what Bilky has provided for Scami made me laugh even more. This show just keeps getting weirder and stranger.
For some reason Bum has left the filming site, and that leaves Bore (who I guess is done helping NoDuh with the shower installation) to assist getting the water tanks off the trailer and set up in the woods. They struggle awhile but finally succeed in getting the tanks down on the forest floor. Instead of wearing his usual fingerless leather gloves this week, Bore has turned the fashion world upside down with some white rags wrapped around his hands. Bravo Bore! Once the tanks are standing still, BirdBrain and AcidRain descend on them with paint brushes, and do an absolutely terrible job of painting the tanks as we will see later.
NoDuh still working on shower and still blabbing about luxury. Rhain w/H gives her view of ongoing work and seems to be losing patience, she swallows a green and a blue, and retires to the rented villa outside of town and rests. The nanny takes Eli to his nursery and turns the TV on for him to watch reruns of ‘Ironside’.
A quick shot of BirdBrain and AcidRain patching up the fencing that needs mending before the giant, dangerous storm hits, while to all appearances, they seem to be causing more damage to the fence. Now the storm is being referred to as the ‘Storm of the Century’.
Now it is time to move the water tanks to where they really belong. NoDuh drives up on a brand new tractor with a front end loader to move the tanks. Asa goes on to explain the tractor was gift from Rhain w/H to NoDuh for Father’s Day. Wow, all I got last year on Father’s Day was a card and a free sundae at the Dairy Queen. Now we understand why NoDuh is trying in his utmost, feeble way to impress Rhain w/H. NoDuh drives around like a pro, hauling the tanks, and Gaybe, up and down the mountain like he was born to do it.
The furious storm is quickly approaching the ranch. AcidRain is in the barn to fill us in on all the obvious behaviors animals have before the raging storm hits. The milking of the goats holds the most interest for AcidRain as she goes on and on about it. Meanwhile, NoDuh and Rhain w/H are unrolling the tubing for the water from the tank to the M*A*S*H tent. Through the woods, across a valley, over a road, to the tent. Now that the tubes are in place, I am interested if it will work after all, but we move from the tent back to the barn/Gaybe’s house while BirdBrain is shooing all the small animals into safety, from the horrible storm that is guaranteed to kill everything in it’s path. Right around this point I noticed in the barn a whole rafter of turkeys looking around nervously. I wasn’t aware the Browns had turkeys, too. Maybe I missed the turkey undertaking from a previous episode. Whatever, the animals are all tucked away safely as the storm rages uncontrolled with only one thought on its’ mind, to destroy the North Star Ranch and every living thing there. At least that is what they keep telling us.
We listen intently as a weather radio is cued to tell us that the weather service has issued a warning about an approaching storm, take precautions! Then we are treated with stock footage of dark clouds, lighting strikes and thunder as we can only anticipate the destructiveness of Mother Nature’s fury.
But forget all that as we go back a couple of weeks to the most pathetic bachelor party, ever in mankind, which takes place in an empty bar with NoDuh, Bore and Gaybe playing pool and drinking water in a booth while sadly contemplating the bleakness of their wasted lives. After a good sob, they head back to the mountain where they can pretend their lives have a bit of substance. Where was Bum at his brother’s bachelor party? Where was Bilky? And we are to assume that Gaybe has absolutely no friends at all who were interested in coming? Not even the production crew and staff from Park Slope couldn’t get a better party going than this sad act? Even the owners of the bar are shown rather bemused as they read their lines off a cue card.
THE STORM IS HERE! EVERYONE IS READY ! Head to commercial…
Commercials over… STORM IS OVER ! EVERYONE IS OKAY !
Really? That’s it ?!?! All that buildup, and not one lousy second of any video from the storm of the century, nothing, no rain, no wind, no lightning. I feel like the kid in ‘A Christmas Story’ who waited impatiently for his secret ‘Annie decoder ring’, only to find out the messages were commercials. You feel cheated and stupid for believing the garbage you’ve been fed as the truth. Thankfully, as some sort of retribution, NoDuh’s lab suffered the most damage, which was so minimal that even he seemed embarrassed to be any part of this awful charade.
So back to normal after the springtime shower, Gaybe is back in the woods making a ridiculous set of wedding benches everyone will surely get a splinter or a tick or a brown recluse from. NoDuh mentions casually that he has filled the 2,500 gallon tank with water to test his water plumbing system. No mention whatsoever where he got this water and who provided it and paid for it. NoDuh has tubes spread out through his M*A*S*H tent like a water treatment plant. NoDuh puts the finishing touches on the whole mess and then turns on a tap to show us water is flowing. And after all the talk and attention to the stupid shower, we are not allowed to see if it works or not.
So that leads us into the inevitable sermon from Bilky on the mountain, as he spews his family idiocy across the airwaves one more time. BirdBrain manages to get a few words in about the imaginary storm and how it is ‘all for one and one for all’.
Still no Matt…
Tonights show was rather a mediocre event, even by the ABP standards. Future episodes will most likely center on the water solution and the big wedding with Gaybe and the paid extra.
more, or less….