Happy New Year to everyone out there ! And on this first day of a new decade, we are given a special episode or two of our favorite show to watch and abuse endlessly. First thing is to remind us of the wonderfully exciting wedding between the man-child Gaybe and his feckless bride. This is neither an episode to miss or forget, if only we could, somehow. Second on the plot thingy is the completion of the mighty windmill that will change these rambling, perplexed, challenged individuals into something other than the national joke.
But even before this happens, the producers have inserted a throwaway episode entitled ‘Beyond the Bush’, where the shameless cast manages to tell even more outrageous made up crap, in a sort of question and answer format. The only noteworthy part of the episode is the mention of a NoDuh idea to pump cold water out of the ground and his collection of animal body parts in jars and cleaned skulls. The rest of the siblings ramble on like someone out here cares and then the real episode begins.
Episode 5 starts with BirdBrain and the longhorns in the pen as she pretends to play a veterinarian and splashes blue colored water the director gave her and told her to splash around on the frightened animals. I am, after all, surprised that the poor cattle are not dead. After that laughable scene the show is introduced by Asa, in driven terms, as he unleashes the details of the show. Gaybe is finally getting married to Rockwell and the windmill must be completed. Love is in the air as we are shown photo after video clip of the young lovebirds frolicking in the beautiful natural surroundings of a reality show filming location. Gaybe’s big day is here… Well, two days away, and he is ready for that time to pass the boy Gaybe to the grown up Gaybe. He seems to be assuming the position of caring for and supporting another person. Every dog has its day.
Sitting around the fire pit, Bilky, Scami, Bore, BirdBrain AcidRain and NoDuh talk about how big of a stinking pig Gaybe is and will someone please volunteer to clean him up for the wedding. They all gag and look down the valley until begrudgingly they accept the challenge of cleaning up 20+ years of filth and unchecked bacterial growth. AcidRain steps up first and gives Gaybe a manicure, probably the first time he ever noticed he has fingernails. As she hacks at the thick, moldy resin on his nails, he shrieks like a 8 year old girl. AcidRain takes no chances on getting infected with Gaybe disease, and smartly wears a pair of blue latex gloves that appear to have been used at least twenty times already as they are all tore up. Makes little sense. She then has the slug brain remove his shoes while she performs a pedicure on him. As AcidRain does this, she mentions how she used to do Matt’s toenails. So after almost 2 years, we find out that some of the Browns remember having the brother Matt at one time or another. We leave this scene thankfully, as AcidRain is making Gaybe laugh uncontrollably as she tickles his toes.
On to the windmill where Bore and BirdBrain stand by to make the magic happen. Bore steps forward and explains the windmill technology and the future economic stability associated with the windmills’ use. Bore scampers up the windmill to get the feel for it and then we switch our attention to Bum and Gaybe in the woods next to an abandoned cabin. They proceed to tear some timbers away from the old shack and build a cross so Gaybe has some semblance of religion in the sham marriage to be shown later on. Gaybe asks Bum if he will act as the preacher and marry Gaybe and Rockwell. Bum says he is honored and says yes. The two finish off the cross that looks like a blind caveman put together.
Without asking the viewers if we want to see AcidRain’s new Brown made house, we get to see AcidRain’s new Brown made house. It is a ramshackle hut propped up on a trailer and looks like a good ride down a rough road would force it to disintegrate I honestly cannot see her or anyone volunteering to stay one minute in that snake/spider trap any longer than they had to. This is a joke, right? To think that she would live in the woods without any heat, water, electricity, is a stretch. She doesn’t look like she missed her shower and laundry wherever she is living now, while the shack is being built for her. I notice that instead of her crowing on and on about her new crib, like the others did about their new places, she does a bit of touch up on the outside moss and then we are left wondering why we never get to see anymore of the little hut on wheels.
Up on the windmill, Bore, and now BirdBrain, are clamoring away trying to adjust the pusher rod to get the dang nab mill to start pumping water. After working away awhile, it is discovered the two chumps brought the wrong bolts to the workplace and must scurry back down to get the right stuff. I also noticed the filming and narration sped up a bit as I watched this scene, like either they don’t want to get into details, or they want to instill the presence of many things going on. The impression is given that this is a family too busy to dig in the details and, as such, just do things in their random, crazy fashion. After they climb down, rather than find the correct part, they move on to other adventures and will come back to the stupid windmill later.
Gaybe is joined by his brothers Bum, Bore and NoDuh, along with little Eli, to run into town and get some fancy duds for the upcoming wedding. Looking for the perfect tuxedo is almost as important as the search for the brides’ wedding gown. All of the finest tailor and men’s shops must be canvassed to accommodate your special needs for this special day. All the stops must be pulled out, all the precautions thrown to the wind in the pursuit of that crowning, formal outfit that will soon appear on the handsome groom, on his unforgettable day. Where do you go to find such elegant attire? Well, if you are the Browns, you go to the local thrift shop and walk in and announce to the bewildered staff that you need wedding clothes. Managing their first impulse to call 911, the experienced shopkeeper instead shows them the latest arrival of Uncle Earnests’ 30 year collection of overalls and saddle shoes that was donated after he passed away. Gaybe is fascinated with the fine, used clothes and keeps touching them before the brothers send him to the bathroom to please clean himself. Once he is rinsed off, he tries on a white shirt and suspenders as he twirls around and just acts goofy. NoDuh is there, with Eli strapped to his huge belly. Looks disgusting as usual, NoDuh, not Eli. Now Gaybe (and not the others) get the almost new threads and head back to the dreary and mind shattering existence that is Alaskan Bush People (filmed in the state of Washington, on a mountain, not in the bush).
If this show could possibly get any friggin’ stranger, this is probably the scene to get that train rolling. BirdBrain and AcidRain are in the barn contemplating on the perfect wedding gift for brother Gaybe and his new tart. They settle on cutting out little cardboard ‘bow-ties’ and then tying the bow-ties to the chickens, around their necks. The plan is to take the chickens to the wedding and let them run loose for the guests to see, with their little ties on. I actually had to pause the program and watch that abhorrent scene again, and again. Their brother is getting married and this is the only gift they can come up with? That’s insane. It, seriously, is not even in the top 1 million things to give newlyweds, even if it is Gaybe and the floozy. But even a great idea may see a crack, as AcidRain points out the chickens seem pretty aggravated having the bow-ties strapped around their necks. The girls appear to move forward with this derailed attempt to impress their new sister-in-law with bow-tied chickens at her wedding. Wow… What’s next? Put high heals on the ostriches?
Gaybe is now back up on the mountain while NoDuh explains the intricacies of his ‘Chainsaw On the Arm Waiting For an Accident to Happen’ invention. If we stop for a second and go back a few episodes, you may recall the time NoDuh built this item, it was ridiculous then, it is ridiculous now. Gaybe makes one cut and then silently throws the trash into the thick woods and resorts to cutting wood the normal, non insane way. He is cutting up the wood for the benches that will be used for guests at the wedding. The last time we saw the benches they were all rough cut and uneven. Now they are finished and looking professionally cut. As usual, the crew at the filming site did an excellent job at making us believe the Browns can do stuff like that.
Now it is time for the ‘bush games’ to be played out for some reason. The child like creatures gather in a clearing to mindlessly entertain their frail minds. BirdBrain, AcidRain, Gaybe and NoDuh start the competition with the ‘Throw the Rock to Each Other’ game. That is it, they throw a rock to each other. Then there is the three legged race and a sort of Roulette wheel made from a bicycle rim. An axe is tossed into a stump, and then the four lost souls have an awkward group hug as they reassess the pointlessness of their existence. I have always wondered what is the point of showing these clips, did the producers run out of interesting material? It just looks like it is forced to the edge of being absurd. And it doesn’t stop there.
The windmill story has just about played out as the Bore and BirdBrain duo try to get the project wrapped up. Asa is back on board as the spokesman for huge dangerous undertakings. He mentions how sharp the blades of the windmill are, how they can whip around in the fierce wind and instantly turn you into ‘Stumpy Brown’. Windmills are dangerous and only trained professionals are allowed to work on them. As we look at the windmill, it is dead calm and the only thing moving is Bore’s mouth as he negotiates the intricate machinations of a bolt. With a twist and a giggle, the work on the windmill has led us to this point, a commercial.
Not to be undone by the mindless wanderings of BirdBrain and chickens in bow-ties, NoDuh walks into the batter box to show us the inner workings of the mind of a psycho to be. He produces a skull and proceeds to saw a hole into the top of the unfortunate dead animal, and fills it with fox teeth. NoDuh adamantly and loudly declares he had no business in the killing of the poor fox, and no one was asking either. He glues the top of the dead animal’s skull back on and puts the whole nightmare on a stick. He plans on giving it to his son Eli to amuse himself with a rattle. This is beyond creepy and frightening. This is almost criminal. This is Alaskan Bush People.
NOTE: Keep in mind this episode focuses on a fake wedding. Gabe and Raquell were married in January, 2019. This was filmed in June, 2019, when she was about 4-5 months pregnant with Gabe’s chud. It also explains why Bam was able to “officiate” the wedding since he is not legally licensed to do anything of the sort… Even fishing (They still have fines in collection for fishing without a license in Alaska). Also, there’s still no mention of the two kids she already has! Everything in this episode, like everything else in every other episode, is pure scripted bullshit. Now back to our regularly scheduled recap…
At the ceremony site, Gaybe and AcidRain and BirdBrain are discussing the bizarre plan to introduce bow-tied chickens at the wedding. Gaybe just says no and shakes his head as BirdBrain again tries to convince Gaybe to please let the chickens attend. He just kinda smiles and looks at the ground and says no and shakes his head. With that, we have seen the introduction of a brain cell growing inside of Gaybe’s thick skull as he makes the correct decision. The chickens in bow-ties fiasco is avoided and BirdBrain retires to her birdhouse to silently dwell on her swell collection of acorns with a cupule and those without a cupule. The sun sets and the demons begin their nightly visits to BirdBrain and her cats. The silence is truly redoubtable.
The big windmill reveal is about ready to happen! Bilky, Scami, AcidRain, BirdBrain, Bum and Bore gather at the revered windmill and gaze skyward praying that it doesn’t collapse at this juncture. One minor tweak to the pusher rod and Bilky unties the rope that is holding the dreams and hopes of the Brown Cult. Water! Drops and drops of water come trickling out as they patiently wait for the slow drip to fill their outstretched hands. They congratulate each other and pat themselves on the back as the astonishingly slow flow of water sluggishly makes it way up the pipe in the ground to finally fill a coffee cup in an hour. At this rate they can take two showers a year and raise one goat. Anyway, the Browns are all excited as they gear up for the final scene, a group howl as they stand next to the fabulous windmill the folks at Park Slope put up for them. The cameras go dark as the cast and crew call it a day and head to town to relax and reload. Bilky and Scami disappear into their suite, order room service and binge watch ‘Hazel’. The kids head to Wal Mart for selfies with the fans and the crew mark another day off the calendar until they can return to normal civilization and away from these morons.
Gaybe goes into wedding day ‘kicked in the nuts’ mode, starts a meaningless, long winded discourse on what life so far has meant to him, what marriage means to him. Little is said of the future ‘Mrs. I Live In A Fucking Barn’. Bilky teams up with Gaybe to get the lice and extra hair trimmed away. They carry on like a ventriloquist and his dummy, except I couldn’t tell who was the dummy. Bilky gives some wore out sage advice on getting married, young and stupid, that’s the key I guess. With that we move over to NoDuh’s live-in shed were he and this horrific mutant being are preparing to mount their son in her pouch. Bore is in his storage container shaving the last weeks growth off, the girls are apparently doing each others hair but in reality seem to have little clue what they are doing. Then it is off to the middle of the woods to see Gaybe and Rockwell get hitched under a small canopy of dried vines and spider webs.
Everyone shows up, Mr. Cupcake makes an appearance, Bore walks in carrying a cage with a couple parrots in it. So he can bring a parrot and BirdBrain can’t bring a chicken? Feathers gonna’ fly in the birdhouse tonight! LOOK ! … IT’S THE FULLERSHITS! It’s Margaret and Bill! They drove all this way to see the wedding of the minute, let’s stop and chat and see how they are doing. No? Okay, maybe later, love to say hi to them. Bilky and Scami look comfortable, she has that 1920’s gangster moll look down perfect. He looks like the oxygen tank wants him to come back.
Somewhere tucked away in a small office are several writers who write this stuff. I’ve often wondered just how many script proposals were discarded by the Browns for one reason or the other. What are the boundaries, what are the limits? Just how low on dignity must one go before you rise up and say, ‘No, I won’t do this or that?’ Or do the writers and cast even examine the implications of scripted uneven behavior and perspectives? Apparently not, as we watch BirdBrain and AcidRain go into the now tired routine of playing with their dirt covered dolls, in the dirt, while voicing other members of their family in basically a very sarcastic and mean spirited manner. It just doesn’t make sense, we have seen this before, it was little strange the first time as the girls were younger, but now BirdBrain is 25 years old and AcidRain is almost 18. It has no use in the storyline and it is rather a cringeworthy moment to think these girls, in reality, act this way. Pretty creepy if you ask me.
Back to the wedding as Gaybe walks Rockwell’s mom down to her splinter covered bench. Then Rockwell walks down the aisle with someone, a sister perhaps, a cousin, the lady from Taco Bell? Bum does a bang up job officiating the wedding, pronounces them man and wife and then they all howl for good measure. The camera angles led me to suspect that Mrs. Gaybe Brown has got a bun in the oven, or needs to cut back to just 6 Twinkies™ a day. A drone video showed a whopping three people showed up on the brides’ side while the bare minimum was on the grooms’ side. Definitely not the event of the season in Washington State. Before the Fullershit’s leave can we just give them a quick hello and chat? Would love to get Margaret’s ‘Texas Trash’ snack recipe… No? Next time maybe?… Ok, they are gone… shit…
I remember back to NoDuh’s big wedding and the amount of air time it got in the preparations and ceremony, it was very short and amounted to little. Gaybe’s wedding was better done IMO.
Gaybe now manhandles a chainsaw as he cuts the pitiful wedding cake and spreading chain oil all over the cake. Rockwell’s mom, Rhonda, has the guts to stand in front of a camera and welcomes Gaybe into her life. She is quickly escorted off the set as Bilky gives a short sermon from the mountain about Brown family values (if ya knock ’em up, marry ’em) and livin’ like a hobo far from them dang nab big cities. Gaybe and Bilky sit back and reminisce about times gone by and times to come.
I almost cried…
New year, new bullshit. This was an eye opener episode for sure. The doll playing, the chickens and bowties, the outdoor games. Still no Matt. And the compelling question of how much longer does this show have left.
More or less…