Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap: S11-E7 ‘Bear Meets Girl’

Love is definitely in the air as the show begins. Asa fills us in on the juicy gossip that is flying around North Star Ranch that Bore might have a girlfriend. This is big news as we have seen the other brothers entangle their lives with women, is Bore next? Also, the precious love arrows are soaring with the announcement that it will be Bilky and Scami’s 40th wedding anniversary. And the ostrich laid an egg. We have gone from horrible, non existent storms, to invisible hordes of bears that never show up, now the good times roll.

Gaybe and BirdBrain empty some Purina Ostrich Chow™ into the ostrich pen and discover one of the birds has laid an egg. The tension mounts as Gaybe stands dumbfounded at the miracle of life. BirdBrain slowly and calmly takes charge, she warns Gaybe that an ostrich’s legs can kill a lion. He believes her. Gaybe stands guard as BirdBrain gently picks up the egg and stealthily takes it out of the pen. The ostriches didn’t give a shit whatsoever. Gaybe mentions that they lay an egg a day, and with a little figurin’ in his small brain, concludes that they can make a fortune selling ostrich eggs to the masses, who are lined up below the mountain to buy whatever the Browns are offering.

Bilky and Scami are celebrating 40 long years together through thick and thick, and we get to start with the dang nab flashbacks while Bilky reads the ABP bible. Scami always beside him bailing him out and nothin’ else matters. As this narratives burns itself out, Bilky and Scami pretty much depart for the rest of the show to soak in a little Monster Truck action in Kansas City. They will be back, no end of show ‘last minute preaching’, no paycheck.

NoDuh, Rhain w/H, AcidRain and BirdBrain settle in for discussions about the wedding anniversary gala. Apparently the children will cook the cult leaders a meal and then act like waiters and musicians to make for an unforgettable evening. NoDuh is informed it is his responsibility to make a worthless and meaningless gift for Scami, for her anniversary. I guess Bilky doesn’t get anything. The whole discussion is held amid the intense tensions brewing in the small tent, that you could cut with a knife, the awkward smiles, the long pauses, the embarrassing nonchalant laugh. The eyes are darting all over the room, Eli offers a glimmer of relief as he extends a hand of friendship but reality is hammered home as the gift is ignored. Ashamed and remorseful, the sisters AcidRain and BirdBrain silently crawl back to their bleak awareness while Rhain w/H declares a small victory in the challenge. That night, alone and scarred, BirdBrain plots her evil revenge that will haunt Rhain w/H forever.

Finally, on to the idiot tree climber, who is building a ‘Dean Corll’ playset for his new victim/girlfriend. Bore is in the middle of the woods where no-one can hear you scream, nailing his boards and tying his ropes and getting all sociopath ready for Craiven. I realized all the girlfriends have names that start with an ‘R’, Craiven, Rhain w/H, Rockwell. Even Rhain w/H was named ‘Ruth’ before she became the bane of NoDuh’s world. Funny huh? Anyway, Bore gets things all prepped before his new prey arrives. We are all ready to gaze upon the one person in the world who actually wants to spend time with Mr. Bore Brown. This is groundbreaking television. Bore mentions he is a bit of an enigma before we are gently led into the flashback of Bore’s walk down the ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’, his relentless encounters with the females in the real world. You can just about hear the dignity being released from Bore, and the guy just seems so oblivious to it all.

Gaybe, BirdBrain and AcidRain are on a picnic talking about Bore. Some more insights are shared as they laugh at their own brother for a while. Gaybe mentions that new girlfriend Craiven might enter the scene riding a motorcycle, doing wheelies, which sends AcidRain into a laughing fit because she thought Gaybe said ‘Willys’. Hilarious…

NoDuh climbs aboard the tractor that Rhain w/H bought for him, and then drives off. Rhain w/H follows with Eli strapped to her. NoDuh is working on something and Rhain w/H is raking some gravel around. She finally gets tired of the child and puts him down where he sleeps it off, my eyes got heavy, too.

AcidRain decides to listen to her conscious and visits Bore to reveal the facts of life to him. First though, Bore has his sister climb aboard the David Parker Ray inspired mattress on a rope that is hanging from the ceiling. She looks nervous as Bore instills some repressed fear into her, shaking the mattress around like a maniac. He stops, but is obviously very pleased at the reaction his invention has provided. His planned rendezvous with Craiven is getting closer and the voices in Bore’s head are getting louder. AcidRain instinctively tries to explain to Bore the necessary protocol of a woman’s visit from afar, the dos and the don’ts. You can see the desperation in AcidRain’s face, in the knowledge that everything she is saying is just going right over Bore’s head. He has this glazed, insane stare, coming along very well thank you, as we pop over to see the Gaybe, et al, picnic winding down.

Gaybe and BirdBrain now find themselves with the egg they stole from the ostrich and decide to put it under a hot lamp. Gaybe sits on the egg awhile and keeps it warm. They gather some straw and find a lamp miraculously in the loft, and then mention that an incubator would be swell to have so they don’t have to be bothered with turning the egg every hour. The mention it again, loud enough for the camera crew to hear them, and then wait for it to be delivered. I was hoping at this point that, since they stole the ostriches from the Fullers, that maybe the Fullers, handing over the title to their incubator, would make an appearance in tonight’s show. I like the Fullers.

Asa tells us with no shame that NoDuh has built a new forge. Yep, there it is, a fire, a hammer, an anvil. Right off the bat, the concept that NoDuh did any of this is seriously a joke. So we watch, and play along, as he recites his lines, mentions the fact that he needs a red hot fire, yet it looks like a fire even Smoky the Bear would walk away from laughing. So NoDuh heats this piece of slag, while telling us he is going to give what every mother would love to have, and treasure, for the rest of her life, a handmade hoof knife. He hits the still black piece of rusted scrap with a hammer and we are left looking at a mighty nice little shed, an anvil, and a fire in an old tire rim. I paused the show, refilled my beverage, let the dog out, and googled ‘what is a hoof knife’. I found out…   I mean, why not treat mom and dad to a trip to Hawaii, a trailer upgrade, a new fuckin’ hat?  Nope, a hoof knife… It is to be used for cleaning the hoofs of Scami’s horse(s), which we have never seen one person on that stupid ranch ride yet. Not once….

Craiven makes her grand entrance, Bore immediately asks her to marry him. They go over to the neighbors’ private land into a cherry orchard and start to steal the cherries, Bore asks if she will please marry him. Bore runs into the middle of the orchard and shakes a few trees, he is having a ball, Craiven looks on cautiously, Bore pleads with her to marry him. They romp off together into the dark woods where shadows and wind are your only comrades.

Gaybe, BirdBrain and AcidRain are still getting plans made for the big dinner for Bilky and Scami. Just inane small talk. Gaybe wonders if Bum would play fiddle and that is shot down immediately. They decide to have a home cooked dinner and Bore will  play guitar. I wasn’t aware he played an instrument. Speaking of Bore, he shows up with the still alive Craiven and introduces the former nobody to his siblings. They all shake her hand like she is meeting them for the first time and the group gets busy with anniversary plans. The group now makes room for Rhain w/H and everyone plays nice while they pretend to make peacock fans and do some yoga in the filthy barnyard while the goats pee on you. Asa tells us the shed for the incubator must be finished so we cut here and go to the incubator shed.

Asa now tells us that everyone (except Bilky, Scami, Bum, Gaybe, Rockwell, NoDuh, Matt, Mr. Cupcake) are gathered to complete the shed pending the imminent arrival of the incubator (and the Fullers I hope). AcidRain tells us under her breath that she has seen her psychotic brother, Bore, on a lot of dates, and she thinks this one is going rather well. Craiven hasn’t run away yet, the police have not been called and Bore is acting half rational, well, a third. Bore instructs Craiven on how to operate a Skillsaw™, he even touches her arm and she doesn’t pull back in complete repulsion, which is a terrific barometric indicator of Craiven’s adeptness of Bore’s actions. Bore is really digging this !

NoDuh has acquired an electric powered wheelchair and now scoots around on that, in his little tent. He now has the hoof knife completed, except for a touch of stain and varnish, and then afterward the knife will be relegated to the rubbish bin of some forgotten cognizance. He dabs on some brown liquid to the handle as he tries to sell us the bizarre idea that he actually made this himself. Diresta would be in tears. Norm would puke.

Gaybe and Bore are together to work on the shed at night. We are told that Craiven is ‘down the mountain’, so that is why Bore is alone tonight. I stopped to wonder, why are they letting us know that? I didn’t care where she was. And, by the way, where is Gaybe’s wife? They don’t say she is ‘down the mountain’ or anything. I mean, I didn’t care where she is off to anyhow. I think the implication is that Craiven is in town staying at a habitable location, and not in Bore’s container, in the swinging, stained mattress, waiting for Bore to, well, do whatever he does……. Bore asks Gaybe what he thinks of Craiven, and Gaybe knows better than to do anything than utterly agree with whatever Bore is up to. He says she’s OK. He even goes as far as offering advice on how to snag unsuspecting teens before they can escape. Bore is intrigued as Gaybe explains it is all in the dance. He then teaches bear how to dance to the silent sound of the middle of the woods. Bore leaps around, Gaybe says yea, that works, say Ow! and jump. Gaybe laughs at this absurd display, as do we, and move on.

Bore, AcidRain and BirdBrain start preparing the big dinner for the parents, they tell us it is the only meal they know how to make and even then, a real challenge when mom or some caterer isn’t around to fix it. And the only meal they can produce is spaghetti. So bear gets the fire blazing while BirdBrain starts the meatballs. AcidRain is making noodles(?) and they get the party going. They use a piece of plywood for a pot cover, the food falls on the ground and the end result looks inedible and disgusting. Time to call Applebees™ and hurry.

It’s here ! The incubator has arrived from Texas ! NoDuh is driving the black SUV and it has a trailer with the incubator on it. Wait, did he travel to Texas and pick it up? I just assumed since the Fullers left the Browns raising worthless ostriches, they were also the ones getting rid of their useless broken incubator. It never is explained, and remains a mystery where the incubator came from. And there were no license  plates on the trailer. NoDuh backs into the space to unload the incubator and then him and BirdBrain get to work maneuvering the thing into position. BirdBrain decides to try the incubator out and climbs inside, NoDuh shuts the door and laughs. But since they have no electricity, they are unable to plug it into anything, so they just walk away from it.

Craiven and Bore are on a walk when Bore again begs her to marry him. He picks ups a rancid bird feather, either an eagle feather or a turkey feather, he says, and sniffs it. It somehow is officially a date now for some reason as Bore reaches into his filthy pants pocket and pulls out a ring to give to Craiven. Marry Me !!! No, he only wants to be going steady, after 1 hour, on first ever date. Bore says it is not an engagement ring, it is a steady ring, one step up from friendship ring, one step below a promise ring. This boy knows his rings. He shows her the ring, which has a wolf on it of course. He says the wolf ring is very special to him, he apparently found it in a gutter near a recycling center. Craiven looks at him, the stupid ring, and agrees to be the girl who is going steady with Mr. Bore Brown, Bush Boy, Mountain Squire, Meatloaf Brain Extraordinaire…

With the ring on the finger of the one Bore loves, we move over to the BirdBrainhouse where BirdBrain makes the connection that she lives in a birdhouse, her name is BirdBrain, and she is surrounded by cats. Almost all individuals would scream and run for treatment at this point, but BirdBrain and AcidRain, who is visiting her sister, just giggle. AcidRain casually mentions that when BirdBrain isn’t looking, she milks the cats. And then gives a demonstration. Wow…

With that insane segment burnt into our minds, Bilky and Scami get the call to be on the set for their made up wedding anniversary joke. The last bit of makeup is applied, the wardrobe technician finds Scami’s favorite 1920’s hat, Bilky goes over his lines one last time, puts out his Marlboro™, and heads to the barn for the scene. The happy couple are led into the barn where the children have set up a feeble attempt to honor their parents. Present are Gaybe, Bum, Bore, BirdBrain and AcidRain. Bore is playing the guitar, barely, as we hear no notes being played. No mention is made of where Rhain w/H, Rockwell, Craiven, Eli, Mutt or NoDuh may be. Bum takes the order of either spaghetti or salmon, as that is the only choices to be made. Bilky wants chocolate pie ! Gaybe and Bum and BirdBrain argue the point that there is no chocolate pie, but there is a banana pie available. They serve the pie which Bilky picks up, in his bacteria infested paw, and shoves it in his face. That’s it, no spaghetti ever made it to the table, no salmon was prepared, no hand made hoof knife from NoDuh, no NoDuh. Bilky recites from a scrap of toilet paper a small testament to Scami, how he couldn’t have made it through some of the shit he has gone through, without her puppet like behavior to embolden him. She just nods as the meds are kicking into high gear.

A little bit of flashback crapola, a bit of sappy music, a sunset over the mountain and this episode is in the can. They all pat themselves on the back, crack open a cold, Shlitz beer. “When you’re out of Shlitz, you’re out of beer !” After the cameras are packed and the lights are put out, the cast and crew head to their hotels and resorts to sit in the hot tub and relax. The wolf ring is in a pawn shop by now, Mr. Cupcake is full from spaghetti, the cats have been milked and the girlfriend/extra cast member has been paid.

Interesting programming from ABP tonight. Biggest news is the girlfriend for Bore. Craiven either got the best of the bunch or the worst, it seriously is hard to tell. Where it goes from here is anyone’s guess. Will she sleep in that serial killer bed? BirdBrain has entered the new self awareness that she is indeed a lonesome, unloved, cat lady that most people will avoid. Hard to tell with Bum which way the wind blows, is he gonna split or just accept the truth that he is most likely stuck on a mountain with the cultists for the rest of his life. Bilky and Scami have become the laziest folks in the state, as they now do nothing except talk about all the non existent things they want us to believe they do. Gaybe and AcidRain seem to be treading water since season one, so they really don’t matter. My biggest concern is for Bore, when will he see the reality of his situation, that no one in their right mind wants to be around an unemployed, ranting fool, whose main residence is a discarded storage container. Isn’t that right up there with a homeless person? Once the truth is unveiled for Bore, will he have a breakdown, will his sanity take that small step into the recesses of madness once he realizes the made up world he takes for real is just a sham?

No Fullershits tonight…

Still no Mutt, becoming just a memory that refuses to fade.

more or less…

beardance 2

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

8 thoughts on “Alaskan Bush People Episode Recap: S11-E7 ‘Bear Meets Girl’

  1. I’m doing some checking but if this is their 40th and Matt is over 40, the home-skool mafs don’t add up. Plus she was 15 when they were married, making her 55? Man, she is one broke down, haggard lookin’ old broad for only being 55.

    I wonder how they’ll explain Raiven’s past relationships and the real reason she left him? At least she has the sense to not want her kid anywhere near this family of useless chuds.

    Great recap BTW. Have a great weekend!

    1. Thank you Beavis. Recapping Bear’s extreme infatuation with the gold digger was a chore I actually looked forward to all week. Still so many unanswered questions…

      I agree, looking like that at 55 is troubling. I’ve seen homeless addicts that looked better.

      I usually only write what appears in the show, the outside dramas and crisis episodes I leave to the FB crowd. But in this instance, I truly am interested where the producers will aim this unfolding story of Bear and Raiven. Will we ever hear of the past Raiven experiences? Will Discovery continue with this strange tale? Can the storyline be stretched any more outlandishly? Do fish close their eyes when they sleep?

  2. I appreciate your review, RO, but I would like to speak seriously with this post.
    There is such a disdain for continuity on the part of Park Slop, it is insulting. Something as simple as an ostrich egg is just one example of the disdain. In the episode previous to this one, the ostrich lad the egg, the children took the egg to the perpetual bonfire, and Bear punched the egg until it broke. The egg was fried, and consumed by some of the siblings.
    In the current episode, the first ostrich egg is discovered, and handled in the silliest way possible. They want to hatch the egg, and want the baby ostrich to imprint on , who else but Bird. And an electric egg incubator miraculously arrives at Shitstar Ranch, donated by the Fullers? They don’t tell us. Where would they plug the incubator in? We are told they are off the grid, living in the wilderness of Washington State, in ‘the bush.’ Will they run a generator 24/7? Who will pay for the gasoline? No one even pretends to have a job. (At least when they were in Alaska, they pretended to have jobs.)
    Bear’s girl;friend is another example of disdain. He implicitly has been dating the girl since the wedding of Noah and Ruth, but did she come to Shitstar Ranch for the dates? If so, why is it that she met no one prior to this episode? And if Bear went to her, how did he get there? Does he even drive a car?? I can’t recall seeing him driving.
    And Bear wants to go steady? Is he in homeschool high school? He is about thirty years old.
    I thought the entire relationship between Bear and the lesbian ended a year ago. Is this a re-boot, because he knocked her up? Will Noah perform a DNA test on Bear and the baby?
    Finally, the question of Ami and Billy and their 40th wedding anniversary and their 40 year old oldest son occurred to me as well. 26 year old Billy must have knocked up a 15 year old Ami, which is known as statutory rape, even in Texas. How proud they all are over that felony!
    Just one more thing – they pretended that Bird shot a buffalo, and they had a bout a ton of buffalo meat. Is it all gone already?? And they have to resort to cooking dirtballs and spaghetti??

    1. Thanks for the comments lakerman 1 !

      Asking one question about this show inevitably leads to five more unexplained questions.

      The egg and the incubator. I asked the same thing, where is the power to run the thing? After setting it up and playing with locking the girls in, they just walk away from it. Of course, later they may, or may not, produce an ostrich baby that they claimed was hatched in the incubator.

      Raiven. Scripted nonsense to make us believe that Bear actually attracts women, when we are all pretty aware the reverse is true.

      40 years, buffalo meat, spaghetti … just fluff to fill an hour of a really bad reality show.

      Noah doing a DNA test on Bear and the baby, now that’s funny !

    1. How dare you puncture my balloon of cynicism, Tom!
      If Matt is 37, Ami still might have been impregnated by Billy at age 15,, and they sold the baby to black market baby brokers, to raise money to go to Alaska.
      Does that work?

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