Tonight’s episode title pretty much says it all. It is about NoDuh, animals, and an ark of a sort. It is becoming increasingly clear it doesn’t take much for this family to get excited and totally focused on a quest. A bit of talk by Asa about some long forgotten lightning storm a while back, turns the kids into Fire Marshall Bill. There is more chatter of saving the animals and the future of the ranch at stake. Blah, blah, blah, all I want to know is if Craiven has survived a week trapped on a mountain with a raving lunatic.
Surprisingly, the answer is yes, as we see Bore and Craiven strolling along the path of inevitable hardship, dark shadows and relentless misery. Bore is quite obviously in heat as he can’t control his actions any longer, he cannot stay still and he rattles off anything passing through his brain. This scene is both horribly awkward and comical at the same time, yet it continues. Bore is proudly showing off his obstacle course he has set up, and invites Craiven to try. Being a good sport, and an extra $800 agreed upon on the spot, she climbs a piece of plywood hung up on a tree. Bore now rants on about the connection they share, which is they both like Jalapeño peppers. Extreme food !
AcidRain and BirdBrain lead the ‘hole in the head’ club over to the barn in a nice SUV and talk of loading the animals in the vehicle in case of danger. But since there is no danger, it makes no sense. Asa steps up to the mic and explains stuff in a made up, fairy tale, sort of way. Dangers, he tells us, dangers are everywhere, if it ain’t the bears attacking no one all night, it is the floods that never happen, don’t even get him started on the lightning dangers. Oops, too late, he guides the girls through the difficult decision to put the fithy animals in the SUV in case of fires caused by lightning. AcidRain and BirdBrain, who apparently have nothing else to do, start a test drill, run through of putting the goats and chickens and rabbits in the SUV and start driving around. It goes pretty much as expected, awful, and they drive back to the barn.
Bore now digs through his greasy jeans and produces a gift for the woman he thinks is awesome. Is it a diamond? Maybe a beautiful broach handed down from the old country? How about a lovely bracelet with your names on it? No, it is a piece of broken gravel to be shared. He offers it too Craiven in the most pitiful way, it appears to be unscripted as most everyone, including Craiven , were laughing at the poor fool. Man, I mean this guy is ‘fucked up in love in the woods out to lunch’. Craiven is humorously thrilled. She puts the rock in her pocket. Bore looks like he is about to have an aneurism, he reaches out to Craiven , and touches her, and says “I like!”. This is creepy 101… After all the personality disorders were displayed, Bore asked the stunned ‘former model’ if she wants to stay on the mountain awhile. She, for some reason which will never, ever, be known, agrees. The cameras cut before the repulsed Craiven can make the face that says ‘Is this clown for real’?
Bilky and Scami crawl out of the trailer after an all nighter, and decide it is time to head into town for ‘medicinal purposes’. Bilky needs a check up, so they grab the nearest vehicle and tear off into town to hit up the clinic/casino before the working crowd fills the place up later on. He yells at the kids to do stuff as we fade into Bilky’s other fake ’emergencies’ flashbacks. Scami’s lookin good in her bobbed hat and 1920’s granny glasses. You go girl !
Back at the North Star Nut Farm, Gaybe is trying to put some words together as he recites the story of his job at the moment. He is standing next to the ‘bush fire truck’ that needs maintenance now that there is talk of the massive lightning storm heading their way. Naturally, I assumed this ‘fire truck’ was another unexplained commodity the Browns had acquired in a barter. Yet in the back of my mind is a memory of, maybe, a fire truck showing up before tonight. Gaybe changes a tire on the trailer part, and it looks like the fire truck is ready to go. I wonder where the water came from. Gaybe mumbles on about how he is now a grown up and he likes it. He is married and has a kid on the way so that is that. Still no expounding on the origin of the fire truck.
Bore and NoDuh are hanging at the storage container shelter that Bore has tried so hard to make us believe he really lives there. To hammer the point home, he tells NoDuh to use his torch, which he brought along, to cut some holes in the side for a window. Asa breaks in to update us that Craiven has gone into town, so the boys get to work. Why do they think we give a shit where Craiven has gone? Just like last week, and while we are at it, where is Rhain w/H? How come Asa doesn’t tell us she is in town getting her feet scraped? So anyway, Bore starts drawing lines on the wall of his shanty indicating where to cut. And he does it in the most annoying way, like he is Picasso or something. He is clearly looking for suggestions and I was shouting at my TV to scrap that dump and get a condo in town.
NoDuh now sits next to the large blue thing as he does a talking head segment. He praises the poor boy Bore and hopes that everything goes well for him. He likes the storage container rathole well enough, almost as good as his castle idea. The blue thing nods her head in agreement as per page 45 of tonight’s scripted nonsense. The window gets cut and the place is now in tip top, cock a doodle, ship shape for Craiven and Bore’s magical night of classic emasculation and humiliation.
Rain…Thunder…Banjo music…Dark skies… All of the elements for a tragic opus on the mountain. Asa had the night off, so instead they just put some titles up for us to read. “Lighting storm on the way, need to evacuate”. Speaking of evacuation, I hit pause and did some evacuating and then came back. NoDuh is racing around the ranch honking his horn warning everyone about the lightning storm that is prepared to wipe them off the mountain. He pulls into BirdBrain’s estate and yells at her to let the cats die and let’s go! First BirdBrain has to howl for Bore, he hears them and scampers down the road doing somersaults. They pile into the available vehicle and roar down the mountain. Switch to night vision mode as we watch the animals meander around not the least bit frightened, I even spotted another ostrich egg in the pen. First the producers show us dark clouds moving over the ranch, then threatening lighting strikes, a bunch of ’em, more clouds, then a full moon. How is that possible? Last time I looked, the clouds would cover a moon. Anyway, the a-scared cult members (minus Rhain w/H, Rockwell, Eli, Craiven ) rush down the mountain to escape the growing danger of the lightning. The Park Slop production team even get in the fake act, and start pointing out fires on the mountain. Either there was no fire, or someone lit a cigarette, cause that was all I saw.
Without blinking an eye, the show returns to the ranch the next morning. Like many times before, the Browns talk of the many dangers to be had on the mountain. Yet when it comes time to walk the walk, we end up with seeing a big nothing. So upon returning to the mountain ranch with dread and alarm, the idiots discover not only did nothing happen, they jump on the ‘be prepared’ bandwagon. Makes sense really, a contingency plan to keep the group safely turning out new scams and useless inventions. Many different scenarios are bound to be explored, only the most sensible and logical plans will be considered. So while BirdBrain meows for her feral cats and Gaybe searches for his wife, a three part plan is taking shape.
Step one is to create flags that can be raised and lowered for all to see. When a dangerous situation is detected, the flag can be raised by cutting a string holding a heavy rock, which will raise the flag. Step two is to mount hand held sirens the kids found, that happen to be in perfect shape, and when the flags are seen, crank the siren to alert the others to take evacuation orders. Speaking of evacuation, I’ll be right back… Step three is to build an ark and load the animals two by two in the ark and transport to safety. Uh huh. And guess who is in charge of step three? Yep, NoDuh and his ark. Bore and BirdBrain hit the trees and start defacing nature faster than a Harvester tree machine with a full tank of petrol. Gaybe, not so much. Rather than strap my brain to the Browns’ version of things that need to be done, I looked at other solutions. Why not get a radio to transmit danger from one shack to the next. How about a whistle on a string? If the morons can hear a howl from a mile or two away, they certainly can hear a whistle. Of course the obvious is to build either adequate housing, so a run down the mountain isn’t necessary every time it sprinkles, or get off the stupid mountain and apply for public housing somewhere.
The complete and total irony of the program comes full circle when NoDuh pulls up in a short school bus, all the while honking the horn. A short bus, just like the ones that we all had a name for back in the school days of old. I mean, the jokes are endless at this point. He looks all excited to have the bus and announces to BirdBrain and AcidRain that this is the new ark. Naturally, the two ambiguous sisters ask where in the frick the bus came from. No answer is given. No telling the usual lame stories like the bus is borrowed, or traded for rotting fish, or bartered for subpar human labor. The Fullers didn’t even drive it up from their Texas based operations headquarters. So somehow, NoDuh ends up the captain of the short bus, that he found, and is going to save the animals, in case of an imaginary disaster, or a scripted one. The bus looks like he just stole it off the county schools’ lot, after all the talk last year of the super dangerous roads that lead up the mountain, the bus made it alright. It needs bit of paint and as the girls point out, a name. Well, I certainly had a few choice names to call NoDuh’s new bus, and then they decide to call it the North Star Ark. How original.
So the plan is to raise the flags, sound the siren, then load the animals, that can fit, into the retard bus. Then skedaddle to lower ground. Got it.
The Bore ‘insanity on display sketch’ is clicked on, as Bore is now obsessed with the construction of a lightning rod, for fucks sake. He maniacally starts using a discarded bed frame, (the one he ditched when he hung the mattress up?) and some duct tape he found, to make the rod. This sounds reasonable enough, yet the need for a rod, where he lives, seems rather odd. I mean, if a lighting bolt hit his living quarters and burnt everything to a crisp, wouldn’t that be an improvement overall? So Bore stumbles around taping the bed frame together and sticks it in the ground where it immediately falls apart and he runs off to listen to his ‘Best of Pat Boone’ 8 track tape. This whole scene was certified ‘CA-RAY-ZEE’ by the Institute For Really Nut Job Programming and everyone here at Railing Kill, Beavis made a certificate, while I opened the celebratory champagne.
In Gaybe’s pursuit of the perfect flag, rock, and tree, he has determined that he is not so smart as the others. He has some small difficulty between judging a small rock from a large rock for his flag rig. What a doofus. He manages to get it figured out and his flag pole system actually looks the best. He is proud of his effort and expounds on the fact that he is now a grown up, and he didn’t even see it coming. What with all the married stuff and having a kid stuff, Gaybe is on a roll.
Since Bilky and Scami can’t even turn up for their own show anymore, Asa is delegated the task of telling us what is going on with the two. Now it seems that Bilky is undergoing ‘critical medical tests’, so he won’t be seen till the end of the show. So I imagine these ‘tests’ will have an impact on the show further down the line, otherwise they wouldn’t have mentioned it. What now? Bilky has a brain injury? His mustache is having a baby? He has ED? And on top of that, no one at the ranch seems to give a shit about mom and dad.
NoDuh’s special needs bus is needing modifications, pronto, before the next all consuming storm rips into the ranch. A water spraying system to put out small fires is installed with two 55 gallon barrels on the side. The hoses extend across the sides to spray water that has magically appeared in the barrels. I mention this as people may say, “They built a windmill and now pump water”, but the water lines were never seen connected to anything, so either I missed it or it’s just the usual BS. The bus is started up and the water starts spraying and that is about it. It looks as silly as it sounds. The girls discuss the need to tear out the seats to make room for the goats and other frightened creatures.
As BirdBrain attaches the siren on her birdhouse, she unabashedly announces that the Browns have no need to howl anymore, now they will just use the sirens. With that imbecilic notion said, the girls attack the bus and discover that they basically have no clue as how to properly use tools, or figure out simple problems that a baboon could solve in thirty seconds. They want to take out the seats, and after what seems like a day and a half, they remove one. Now I am sure the production crew did the rest as BirdBrain and AcidRain ditched the tool belt, and ran into town to chain smoke Winstons™ behind the water treatment plant with their new beaus, Spike and Big Fritz. As the pros demo the bus, we go over to the one thing that I’m sure all of us have been wanting to see, the authentic film of Bore showing a real live girl his living quarters. Take a deep breath, send the children to bed, turn on the smoking lamp and refill your strongest beverage. All set? A bit of trepidation arises in my gut, do I really want to see this? The uncertainy now spreads throughout as I reconsider the momentous decision I am about to make. Finally I regain the confidence to move forward into the unknown, the strength returns to my finger, as I slowly apply the pressure to the pause button, to once again start the sensational story of Bores’ romance.
Bore and Craiven approach the decaying and rancid smelling storage containers that Bore calls home. He pries the door apart and invites his fresh victim in. Inside, he proudly shows her his filthy window, “Check out the view,” he says, she replies, “Yea”. With the enthusiasm of a dead fish, she admires all that Bore has to offer. In a hurried exchange of blurred words and animated movements, Bore tries his best to explain away the mattress hanging by ropes from the ceiling. It certainly looks as though it had been used in a snuff film. Craiven was cool as a cucumber, shutting down her natural inclination to run for safety, thereby denying Bore a clue to her frightened state. Rather, she remained collected enough to silently agree to all his demands that “This is nice”, and was able to slip out the container door, where at least she felt a bit safer. We are left with the implication that all is fine, and that Craiven was repulsed like the rest of us. But this is the last we see of her in this episode. Godspeed Craiven…
Bilky and Scami turn up again at the North Star Ranch, just in time for the cocktail hour. They clamber through the front door, and Bilky gives the missus a little pat on the tush. Bilky splashes out a gin and tonic while Scami chugs some Boonesfarm™. Take out from Red Lobster™ is laid on the TV trays, switch on the 70″ SONY ™ and the ‘Dallas’ reruns start streaming in. Up on Cripple Creek.
Since the show centered around the dangers of lightning destroying the ranch, and the solutions devised to combat those dangers, it seems necessary to close the show in the same vein. The kids decide to have an all out practice drill to see if their preparations are sound. The flags are raised, the sirens are sounded (even though they didn’t show it earlier, Bore has a siren too). The emergency evacuation test has commenced. Speaking of evacuation…. Ah, that is better, where were we?
NoDuh races to the barn in the short bus to load the animals, Gaybe and BirdBrain and AcidRain are there to help. The operation is a success as they tool the backroads with a generally misinformed family of goons and some terrified animals. Gaybe goes into his ‘praise the bus’ lecture but is soon drowned out by the Bilky sermon on the mount(ain). Same old same old. Bilky goes on about keeping family together (except the one in rehab) and safe, free on the ranch to do whatever they feel like doing, as long as it is what Bilky says to do. With that, the show goes dark until next weeks season finale.
Another hastily written and produced episode that clearly shows that the BS isn’t stopping anytime soon. The biggest items on tonight’s menu are the bus, and Bore’s girl Craiven . Simply put, both stories had nothing to offer. While Bore seems like he is about to explode in a love induced spell, Craiven seems dismissive and totally unattached. She appears to be on the set for a paycheck only. The difference in attitude between the two is strained and embarrassing to watch.
NoDuh continues to amaze us in the stupidity that results when he is let out of his M*A*S*H tent. Just showing up in the short bus is a realization that he is most probably the only one who doesn’t get the joke. Did the writers finally get an inside joke in? Anyway, I am sure he will be lampooned and ridiculed on the social media sites for a long time with his short bus. Putting a water spray system on the bus was equally ludicrous, be assured, no cop is gonna ever let that mess travel ten feet down his highway. So now they have a bus that is pretty well anchored to the North Star Ranch for use only during made up emergencies. What a brilliant investment.
Still no Matt, although I did see the back of his head in a flashback segment.
more or less…