This episode is the season finale, with the Browns and production crew all excited about wrapping up the show so they can get on the plane to Cancun. The tickets are bought, the bags are packed, so let’s get on with the show.
Naturally Asa starts the nonsense in style by declaring a dangerous situation arises as now it is getting cold, and the lazy jerks still haven’t got that well water flowing to the different locations. And not only that, Bilky needs to break out the sick card again. More on that down the road. Now that Asa is done, the scenes come fast and frenzied, rushing from one scene to another as we try to stay caught up on the Alaskan Bush People, who live on a mountain in Washington State surrounded by evil bears and lightning storms that makes everyone a-scared.
Gaybe is cutting wood for no reason when Bore comes over to ask about the facts of life. Since Gaybe is clueless about sex, they start talking about Bore’s ongoing psychotic infatuation with Craiven, the only breathing person on the planet who wants to be with Bore alone. Bore needs advice, for some reason Craiven has stayed on the ranch after Bore asked her. She has been there for weeks now, except when Asa informed us that Craiven is taking a break ‘down the mountain’ so Bore can help with the fabricated storyline the Browns are dispensing this week. The first of many references to the extremeness of Bore is heard as he describes Craiven as the ‘Extreme Princess that is really a Queen’. So now the truth is revealed that Craiven is a cross dressing, gay, middle aged man who gets his rocks off as the object of Bore’s affection. Right? Or did I read this wrong? Whatever, Bore informs Gaybe he intends to ask the ‘Little Queenie’ to be his nightmare bride. Gaybe is clearly shocked, he got married to Rockwell and then she just disappeared from the ranch, doesn’t Bore see what is going to happen? Gaybe mumbles his notion that he has never seen Bore like this, is he jumping the gun, is he going too fast, is he even aware that Craiven is a paid extra on a reality show? Gaybe coughs up the idea that he doesn’t want anyone to get hurt from being in love, and now alone, like his sorry looking ass. Gaybe gives a Bore some useless advice and then retires to his sad loft where he sobs uncontrollably while holding a picture of Rockwell while drawing unicorns and rainbows on the barn siding with his blood.
Asa returns to earn his minimum wage, talking about how somehow or another the seasons are changing again, and as usual, the buffoons are ill prepared. It’s a beautiful fall day, but that goes unnoticed as the next step is laid out. BirdBrain pops in to say that all the dreams and hopes and dismay are finally coming true. There are animals, and the ranch, and the windmill, and the animals. Uh huh. Asa gets back in to tell us the impossible task of running a 1/4 mile of pipe from the windmill to the barn. Asa keeps the tension tight as he updates us on the ridiculous concept that Bilky has been out and about, doing medical tests, to determine why he is incapable of doing any work. The ‘Mountain Kingdom’ may not be okay after all. Mountain Kingdom… Really? And to top things off, the weather is getting chilly, so digging in the frozen ground may not be possible, so they will all certainly die a horrid death from thirst. Park Slope gets their money’s worth out of Asa as he continues talking about getting water to the ‘houses’, I put that in apostrophes because they show Bore’s mental needs container when he says that. Also mentioned is the fact that they are above 4000 feet on a mountain so it gets cold, not like down in Loomis, where it is not cold. Got it…
Bilky and Scami are with Bore and BirdBrain, the pipe needs to get laid in the next day or so before the temps start dipping into the high 30’s, preventing them from paying a crew to do the work. Bilky goes on to give the dimensions of the ditch for the water line, and then he and Scami head to the trailer for a quickie and a nap. I was left wondering where everyone else was. The thought briefly entered my mind that the others had deserted as BirdBrain came roaring into the scene with a D4 dozer ready to tear up some pristine wilderness in the name of really awful television. Where the dozer came from, who they stole it from, is never revealed. With Bilky and Scami out of the way, it is up to BirdBrain and AcidRain and Gaybe to get the job done. Naturally, the dozer is inches from a thousand foot cliff drop-off, the brakes don’t work, BirdBrain isn’t sure she can do it, and Gaybe appears to be in charge. What the fuck a doodle could possibly go wrong. BirdBrain tells us that Dad or Bum or NoDuh generally drive the dozer into disrepair, but they are not around. Where are they then? Isn’t this supposed to be show about a family working together to survive on a filming set? No reason is given about their absence, so I will try to explain. Bum hates this stupid show almost as much as his inbred family, if he doesn’t absolutely, positively have to be on that stupid mountain, look for him in his condo in L.A. with his wife and good friends, the folks from the dispensary down the street. NoDuh is in his M*A*S*H tent trying to discover why dogs bark when you pull their tails, and Bore is in town, at the library, to get online and search ‘girlfriend’. Since he was unable to even turn the PC on, didn’t have a library card, and kept yelling ‘Extreme!’ real loud, he was detained and then released with a warning to never come back in town. AWESOME!
Back to the excavation crew, BirdBrain starts the dozer slowly moving forward when they all scream at her to stop for no reason. Gaybe is seen with some sort of disgusting nose infection going on, that leaves large bleeding scabs oozing a bloody mess. Lovely. Once again, the digging resumes. On to Bore and the insanity which clearly is going to ensue.
Extreme bush exercise is the highlight of Bore’s little staged set. He picks up a 3 pound rock and magically holds it above his head, he does his ambiguous somersaults on the forest floor, runs around like a loon in love and then throws a spear like branch he found on the ground. He then gets on his hands and knees and crawls extremely around a tree looking for his sanity. Unable to fulfill that, he mentions that he needs to go on the hunt, to clear his mind a bit, before he sinks into the utter despair that will be his life once he realizes the forces of Craivens determination to turn him into a raving, trained ex husband. Bore looks around and determines it is time for the orchestrated hunt. He also mentions that he is in his peak physical shape now that the extreme exercise routine is done. Wow, sorry man, my condolences.
Bilky and Scami get their ‘vitamin shots’ and are propped up in the barn to look a bit like they are still alive. They are glad to be back from all that dang nab medical testing that they pretended to do while sitting on the beach in the Virgin Islands. They are standing next to the horses that are never rode or let out of the barn as Bilky announces that he is sick. His heart is only operating at 15% or something and it is wearing out. This turns into a drawn out tearjerker as Dr. Scami explains in her best medical terms what is wrong with Bilky. Since her explanation is about as worthless as Bilkys, we really don’t have a clue to his true illness. I was thinking since we are not allowed to learn the true nature of his made up sickness, I assume they were laughed out of every nearby hospital for trying to pay the bill in rotten fish and dog hair jewelry. Scami crows on about miracles and the fact that they are back on the mountain that seems to make Bilky so sick.
Back to the dozer. Work is progressing slowly, the D4 is acting up, not surprisingly so, because the D4 has seen no maintenance, they have no spare parts and they are clueless to the operation of the dozer. The producers most likely gave the intended drivers the basic instructions on how to operate the machinery and then started filming. BirdBrain gets the action going by gently moving the dozer forward, Gaybe and AcidRain start screaming to stop and IT’S NOT STOPPING ! The dozer is headed straight for the cliff and certain death ! What will happen? Will BirdBrain survive? As usual, we cut to a commercial to build the tension and excitement. After the ads play, Gaybe tells BirdBrain to drop the blade, which she manages to do, and the D4 stops dead. Small discussion on how the brakes are faulty and someone could get seriously injured. Rather than fix the problem, they continue on. I am sure either nothing was wrong with the dozer, or if there was, the production crew fixed it.
Bore goes hunting. Oh Lord. He is seen scampering across the mountain in an orange cape. He stops to add the face makeup which he assumes will not make him look like a total dork. He is wrong. Further down the trail, he mentions the importance of being at the highest spot to see the prey. For the 50th time tonight, he mentions his extremeness and climbs a tree. Once up he proclaims that to be a successful hunter, one must think and act like an animal. Which, of course, led us all to wonder what animal he is trying to emulate in the tree right now. I hit pause and asked my viewing group which animal they thought Bore represented on the hunt. Whale, baboon, flea, shrimp, housefly, worm, bat, slug, were a few suggestions, I was sorry I asked.
Rhain w/H has a speaking part tonight, her and NoDuh are on the new green tractor doing their small, very small, part to help in the digging of the ditch. What better time to learn how to drive the tractor? Well, right now of course. Never mind the fast approaching big freeze that is on the way, the need to provide much needed water to the animals, now is the time to get the horrid, large creature in the seat of the end loader and train her to take orders. Rhain w/H is, of course, completely incapable of running the thing, NoDuh stands next to her and throws instructions out like candy at a Labor Day parade. A small black dog runs up to the end loader and laughs at the two of them. Watch the show, that is how dogs laugh. Pitiful display of bad acting and unending close ups of the behemoth’s face made me quite ill.
BirdBrain finally gets pissed that nothing is getting done and proclaims time to get big boy pants on and get ‘er done. With renewed vigor, BirdBrain once again tackles the ditch only to be shut down in about five seconds because she is hitting rocks. AcidRain climbs down in the ditch to check things out and instead finds Matt’s secret stash of Old Crow whiskey and empty meth bindles. AcidRain argues that they must go around the rocks while BirdBrain claims the straight path through the rocks will be alright. It appeared they were ready to come to blows over it. Since nothing is getting done, a commercial is shown.
Bore is on the prowl for the deer he says are out there, and we are even provided with a stock footage video of a couple of deer that was filmed at the Hunsbucker Petting Zoo in Montrose, Iowa. $1 gets you a cup of grain to feed the little guys and gals. Bore is shown looking through the scope, but nothing is out there to shoot.
BirdBrain again fires up the dozer and runs again into the rocks that stopped her earlier, she finally resorts to Rain’s plan of a different route and all is solved as the rocks mysteriously disappear. Good call Rain, an extra ration at dinner tonight and a promotion to Capo is in store.
As the sun sets on the North Star Ranch and Mental Health Center, Bore concedes the hunt is a total failure, the producers decided that rather than tie a deer up and let the idiot claim to have hunted it, they told him to find the deer yourself, for once, for Christ sakes. Bore chimes in that the hunt was more difficult than expected, and then recalls that Craiven is still around somewhere and starts mooning over her again. He asks, “What do I want with Craiven?”, then answers that every lone wolf needs a mate. To show his undying love and affection to Craiven, Bore treats her to a 5-star meal on top of his storage container home/padded cell. A delicious entree of hot dogs on a bun, with a side of pickled jalapeños is just the trick to lure any unsuspecting victim into the trap of a night with Bore. Interesting that he opens a can of pickled peppers, and the can has no label, where do they shop? Gilead?
King Bilky calls a family meeting to keep the cult informed of his fake illnesses. Everyone (except Bum, Bore, Gaybe, Rhain w/H, Rockwell , Craiven and Eli, who did not attend) listen as Bilky gives them the rundown on the new plot twist. The medical diagnosis is never clearly given, just vague references to Bilky’s ongoing bouts of made up sicknesses and injuries. Flashbacks are obviously needed to show the complete picture, and Mutt is seen in a couple of them. And of course the cure for Bilky would be go and have regular checkups, exercise and eat right. BirdBrain chimes in that living in the bush makes you closer to nature, except that they live on a ranch and aren’t that far from the nearest city. AcidRain adds her two cents and says doctors only know so much. Uh, thanks Rain. Bilky says the doctors gave him the advice to get off the mountain to help him live more comfortably. So I assume that Bilky lied to all the doctors, and told them he lives high up a mountain on a ranch with his cult member family. He probably tried to pay in ostrich feathers and autographed 8 X 10’s, so they turned him loose to do whatever he wants.
Bilky’s newest plan to keep this bunch of yahoos on TV is to have the kids build him a house so he can stay on the ranch. But he already has a trailer set up there on the ranch next to the barn I thought. They certainly made a big deal about it earlier in the series. And it is the nicest place on the ranch. Regardless, Bilky meets with Gaybe outside the barn, and incidentally, everyone else is wearing winter gear except Gaybe who is wearing only a wifebeater, to talk. Bilky tells poor Gaybe that his plans for a house, for him and Rockwell, are now in the wind. The new plan calls for him, Rockwell, NoDuh, Rhain w/H and Eli to share a house with Bilky and Scami, so that the grifter parents can have a free maid and cook service. Gaybe actually looks a little stunned, but what difference does it make, he is currently living in a freakin’ barn. A rough outline calls for 6 bedrooms, 4 baths, open kitchen and dining room, 6500 square feet, jacuzzi inside, hot tub outside, tennis court, underground bowling center, and an 18 hole golf course surrounding the ranch. Bilky asks Gaybe if NoDuh is on board and Gaybe just kinda stares into space. Bilky yells at Gaybe to get started and then wanders back to the trailer to watch Bonanza and eat Skittles™ with a can of Schlitz.
Back to the parallel craziness of the ditch diggers as they keep digging away, BirdBrain at one site and the large behemoth at the other. NoDuh shows up to harass BirdBrain while she works. The pompous fool starts giving directions to BirdBrain and she is clearly not wanting anything to do with the idiot. Finally, the ditch is dug and the pipe can be laid. BirdBrain comments on the fact that they are so close to having running water.
Bilky heads over to the NoDuh estate to try to convince the churd that his plan for communal living is the right thing to do. Bilky states his case and then goes into the flashback of young NoDuh. He actually says we liked NoDuh more when he was younger, before he met the Princess of Darkness and Gloom. But the Browns have come around to just a strong dislike of Rhain w/H instead of the pure hatred they had for earlier. NoDuh listens to his dad and his goofy plan, and agrees to live in the same house as Gaybe and his wife and Bilky and Scami. After Bilky leaves, NoDuh collapses on his M*A*S*H cot and cries long and hard with the realization that his castle plans are now officially scuttled. He then tries to make himself feel better by inventing something, but it just isn’t the same.
Pipe installation now begins with Bore and BirdBrain putting the pipe in the ground. BirdBrain communicates with Bore through the pipe, mainly just asking if he can hear her. He can. As the pipe is laid out, you can see that Bore is having a great deal of problems getting it to do what he wants it to do. Maybe if he had more help it would go smoother. Where is Bilky, Gaybe, Bum, AcidRain, NoDuh to help? Since the work is going downhill fast, they cut to a commercial. When we return, the work is completed, of course, while we watch them fill in the ditch. So obviously staged, that is all I’m going to say. Pathetic. That’s all I will say.
So the pipe work is done, the water is ready to flow. The kids gather with buckets to turn on the valve and water comes streaming out in a torrent. Probably because there is a pump somewhere pushing that water through the line. But we will let it slide as the kids jump though the freezing water in the freezing cold and have fun.
Bore and Craiven. Craiven and Bore. Together and alone on the mountaintop where Bore is pointing out where all the bodies of former girlfriends are located. Bore says he needs to ask a question and drops to his knee and asks Craiven if she wants to make the biggest mistake ever in her life. She says yes, I will marry you and Bore is so happy. He states that Craiven and him will be together forever, in this little grave I dug over there. He howls long and hard while Craiven looks on at the moron she most likely she will be forced to support for the rest of her miserable life. She grins and laughs at the site of a thirty something unemployed jerk howling like a dope, and she has to be wondering what led to this awful point in her life. Fade to black.
The remaining time is spent on a review of the entire season, and a sermon from Bilky with his standard garbage of fanciful lies and excuses for being a con artist and fraudster supreme. The titles roll and I want to send a shout out to the D.I.T. (Digital Imagery Technician), Josh Gamez, for the great digital creations where he makes these fools look normal. Thanks for the hard work and low pay.
Well, that is it, yet another season of the ABP to be archived and forgotten. It was a great ride with the new animals, the imaginary dangers and of course the Bore Brown and Craiven absurdity. The main characters still are about the most reprehensible living creatures on this planet, and the plan is that they will be back for more silly adventures. The plans for the kids to build a multi family house for the parents and a few children will be hard not to watch. I, for one, cannot wait…
I want to take a minute and thank everyone who reads these recaps and comments on them. Thanks to Beavis for allowing me to broadcast my viewpoint on his excellent page ‘Railing Kill’, you are the best sir! Also thanks to my loyal fans, lakerman 1, To No, and others, for their insights and views. Thanks to all the social media sites and pages and groups who continue to post these recaps on their pages, Facebook’s ABPE is one of my favorites as are others. Also want to mention my friends over at Primetimer forums who continue the search for truth, thanks Rmontro, wanton 87, brgjoe, jumper sage, Eaton, badhaggis, among others ! You all keep the story fresh and are always questioning the whole storyline, which is important in a way. When you comment, or share, it opens the gates to others to express their point of view in new and interesting ways. Again, thank you so much !
One last bit of observations and I’m out of here. Still no Matt, although the flashback scenes are beginning to show him, so maybe he is on the road to the Ranch as we speak. The Browns used to carry on endlessly about how they always greet and say goodbye to each other with the word ‘More’, it seems the novelty has worn off, as they don’t do it anymore as far as I can tell. Bore has recessed further into the dark side by using the word ‘Extreme’ to describe everything he does or says. It was old and annoying way back then, even older and stale now. Bilky and Scami have been subjugated to sitting on a hay bale or a soundstage to recite wore out lines about family and being free and wild. Seems that Bam has little use for being around anymore, he just pops in and berates his siblings for no reason, and then vanishes. The girls are the perfect example of what every parent fears, uneducated, yet with a feeling of superiority because they pretend to live in the bush, mostly unable to integrate in normal society, and in BirdBrain’s case, not much of a chance to snag a husband. The others are prime examples of what the welfare system will be forced to support once the show is off the air. Then we are left with the women who for some odd reason find these cretins either charming, or a good catch, I am sure that all of them will be alone with little Brown kids, to feed in the near future once they discover the absolute uselessness of the bums they married. I feel a bit sorry for Eli and the other children these creeps spawn, where can they go but up?
more or less…..