The episode begins with another update about the fire on the mountain and the number to call the Red Cross, and the fire is 75% contained. On to the madness and desperation…
The opening scene features the girls, Bird and Rain, around a raging campfire that is being monitored carefully by no one, putting on Halloween makeup and not really looking any different at all. Noah and Rhain w/H walk into the scene and they are dressed as Billy and Ami. It is hilarious for them and no one else. They fix some s’mores and when the camera gets turned off, they wipe off the silly makeup and go to their condos in town to watch Game of Thrones because it is nowhere near Halloween.
Asa earns his minimum wage by announcing tonight’s made up adventures and ridiculous mini subplots. Bear is a lonely, sad, jilted bush weenie, there is a lot of snow, the big house needs to be started immediately before death comes knocking, another desperate hunt for food and big fires, lots and lots of big controlled fires. Asa does it all in one take, steps aside and has a large shot of Jack Daniels, to forget the shame and humiliation he must suffer at the hands of his fellow announcers at the announcers lounge.
Sad and lonely heart breakin’ music plays, as we see Bear moping around after the woman of his nightmares has split for alimony and child support. He mumbles some half baked excuses to the only person equally stupid to believe his scripted garbage. Bird listens intently and gives Bear advice from a girl who has never been on a date in her life, about love and life’s tribulation. Bear even admits that he is a weirdo among other weirdos, and that Raiven (who will never be seen again, obviously) just wasn’t the right fit for him. Bird explains all of life’s intricate mysteries and the mood is set for a poorly written set piece to be played out within the hour. And just like that, we move on.
According to the title on screen it is ‘One Week Later’, or five minutes later (they are on a tight filming schedule). The snow machines have spread snow everywhere to make us believe that an early, untimely snowstorm has hit and everyone will die if the snow isn’t cleared off the ground and a house for Billy, Ami, Noah, his wife and child, Gabe and his invisible wife, isn’t built as soon as possible. It seems no one cares about Bam, Bird, Rain or Bear and their shelters. Noah and Bam hop right into house construction action by hitting golf balls in the snow up on the mountain. Gabe is checking the ostrich pen to see if the poor birds are dead yet. Of course, the house isn’t anywhere near being started, the fools have been preparing fake weddings, playing stupid rock rolling games, gone hunting for laughs, and playing out stupid scenes for a really bad reality show. Bam talks to Noah between swings of the club and says that Bear is a Jedi Knight. Noah agrees, I guess, and then we move on to the next crap they try to sell.
Finally, everyone, except Billy and Ami, show up to try and get the Brown Mansion started before the huge and deadly snowstorm/bear attack/starvation diet/angry neighbors show up to ruin everything. The foundation location is covered in a stolen orange tarp, and it seems from their ineptitude, and laziness, and stupidity that the ground has frozen so hard that even a bulldozer and end loader cannot break the ground. After a halfhearted try, the group is ready to throw in the towel. The producers step in and show us again the computer generated house that they have dreamt of building for the last few weeks. After that, the cult decides they must complete their master’s dream, and decide to melt the frozen ground with a huge, red hot, but controlled, fire. Bear almost wets his pants at the idea of his pyromania being used in the show. It is clear to all of them it is the only way to get the job done now that they have frittered and wasted their time doing nothing but goofing off all spring and summer. Bear and Noah get started gathering logs and branches, Bear is now in control of fire safety.
But first this nonsense…
THE MAIN EVENT
In the Red corner, wearing a grand feathered outfit, standing at 8 feet 2 inches and weighing in at 274 pounds, holding a professional record of 85 wins, 85 knockouts and 53 kills, fighting out of Yambia, South Sudan, Africa, OLLIE “KICK ‘EM IN THE BALLS” OSTRICH ! In the Blue corner, wearing a wifebeater and discount jeans, standing an impressive 5 foot 8 inches tall, weighing in at 185 pounds, holding a record of 0 wins, 0 matches and 3 running aways, fighting out of the great state of Alaska and Washington, GABRIEL “STARBUCKS TO GO” BROWN!
And the round starts as Ollie rushes out and delivers a kick, then a uppercut, followed by a series of kidney punches, a cross to the head, a jab to the gut, a jab to the groin, a hook punch lands directly on Brown’s head, Brown is reeling, Brown has delivered absolutely no defense and is on the ground crying ! Ollie circling his prey as Brown slowly regains his footing when a massive blow to the head again puts Brown on the mat ! The referee halts the fight when an incoherent Brown asks for a spaghetti dinner, ‘bush style’, The reigning heavyweight champ of the bush is once again declared as OLLIE OSTRICH !
Gabe goes down to the ostrich prison and one of the inmates attacks him ruthlessly while trying to escape. He is definitely clobbered as he screams for help. He manages to subdue the ostrich and leaves the pen to start a new lame ass story where he has lost the most treasured possession he owns. No, not his intellect, or his pride, but the wedding ring that proves to the world that he is actually married, although she is never seen or heard from, ever. Billy and Ami are seen out of the trailer as Gabe makes his Emmy Award scene in the pen, then the two disappear into town for the remainder of the show to head to the casino and lodge where they really live.
But first Billy stops by the barn where Bird is feeding a chicken and tells her that the only way to get Bear to help build the house and get his confidence back, is for Bird to go out and hunt for the deer the producers have tied up in the woods. She is all in to act like she knows what she is doing, and decides to go alone with her camera crew, sound technician, caterer, make up girl, best friend Susie and a cat. She is seen leaving in the direction pointed out to her where the deer can be found.
The house plan is put on hold as Rain and Bam gather outside the ostrich pen to try to help Gabe find his ring. Gabe is probably sobbing in fear once his imaginary wife finds out he lost the ring and walks out on him like a real wife would. Bam and Rain have come up with a total waste of time scheme to try to find the ring. Tie a magnet to a string and toss the magnet into the pen and wait for the non magnetic ring to attach to the magnet. What a couple of fools. After what appears to be a couple hours, all they get are poop and mud and laughter at the two idiots.
Bird’s staged hunt begins with a walk through snow covered fields, and the same old tired stock footage of some deer waiting to be shot. Honestly, I watch the show carefully, it is the same deer from every other so called hunt, same scene, same field, same look. They ain’t fooling anyone. A paid extra, dressed up in orange hunting gear, or a scarecrow dressed in orange gear, is sited by Bird and she must make a critical decision as to what to do. After much deliberation and talking to the camera crew, she waves at the person (who clearly never sees her at all) and heads down another path.
Bear is picking up super logs and little branches in his insidious plan to create a humungous but controlled fire as soon as possible. Bear’s love of fire and flames is told in a brief flashback which is notable for the very brief scene of the missing link named Matt. It is commented on how fire is Bear’s way of meditation, and now Bear has the plan to spread gasoline, lots of gasoline, on the fire to make it a very gigantic but controlled fire that burns brightly through the night. White, pure, cold snow is bad, and fire is good ! Bears eyes are spinning as he imagines a fire so big that even he is impressed !
Bird on the hunt to lift the spirits of Bear. Why didn’t Bear just go on the hunt if it is so damn satisfying to his well being? Anyway, Bird is distracted when she finds Raiven’s and Mr. Cupcake’s remains and bones next to a tree. She collects the bones, and we see a flashback of her hanging other poor victim’s bones in a tree next to her treehouse, while a horrified cat on her shoulder is going insane with fear. Still no deer. She mentions that the hunt is over for the day and the crew snap into action setting up a controlled fire, a tent and some fake food. When the scene is done, they head into town for Jello™ shots, herb, and a feast of shrimp and Baby Back Ribs. Turn on the DVD player and insert ‘Congo’ for a perfect entertainment evening. Crack open a can of Hamms.
Time for Bear and Noah to bond as brothers while forging some rebar into some, well, rebar. First Noah offers up some bizarre philosophy that goes like this; “When you are alone, you are not alone, you are there with your thoughts, and that is a bad thing”. Uh-huh, I imagine with thoughts like a wasted live, a dark future, endless payments to the ex, a career as a paid moron, is a pretty bad thing to have roaming around your head. Anyway, they get out the brand new hammer and put some metal in a red hot but controlled fire, and pretend to know what they are doing with a horseshoe and some rebar. Bear runs around like a goon waving the red hot poker around in a controlled fashion while Noah stands there watching in disbelief. But it is a bonding for five minutes and then, mercifully, it ends.
Next morning, Bird pretends to get out of the tent she didn’t sleep in, and gets ready to continue the hunt for the trained deer. The danger is made very clear to one and all, as it is very foggy. We are feeling a tinge of fear, a morsel of anxiety, a suppressed laugh, when gunshots ring out !!! More gunshots !!! Another cliffhanger is put upon us as they scoot to a commercial about cat food and erectile dysfunction and Mr. Pillow®. Will Bird get shot by a reckless hunter? Will she die alone in the woods surrounded by a 15 person filming crew? Can the sound effects guy make the gunshots louder, please? Stay tuned…
We return breathlessly waiting to find out poor Bird’s demise, but first a notice is shown on screen that says all fires were set months before the big fire this month and that a safety guy is always controlling the idiotic fire binges being constantly set by the cast of Cretans and worthless bums who inhabit the ranch on the hill. Now why does that seem to be a statement that dismisses all suspicion that these lowlifes set the big fire? Just saying… Anyway, as usual, nothing comes from the gunshots that Bird heard, she runs away and the hunt continues. It seems the tent, sleeping bag, extra clothes and food are just left behind as we never see them again.
In a bizarre attempt to rescue the ring that Gabe lost in his tangle with the ostrich, Noah gets out a satellite dish he found and somehow attaches the plastic to himself as some sort of defense against the ostriches. He also has a piece of right angle iron to protect himself. He enters the the pen of murderous birds and starts looking, but comments that he wishes Gabe was around to tell him where he lost the ring approximately. I thought the same thing, what a doofus, and where is Gabe anyways? Looking for his wife in the barn? With nothing to show except some ostrich crap on his boots, Noah goes back to his FEMA tent to listen to Rhain w/H tell him he is genius. But she has left to go into town for a Big Mac and pick up her anti depressant meds. Noah climbs into his cot and dreams of castles and a life worth living, two unobtainable goals that are beyond his reach. Sobbing commences shortly thereafter.
Bird is on the trail again, she motions for the crew to get down, she takes aim, she shoots ! She shoots again ! She has successfully found the planted dead deer the producers placed in this spot the day before. She kneels down and does the best ‘thank you deer for being dead speech’, claims she is going to do a speedy dress of the deer, and actually carry the meat to feed her family four miles back to the ranch. Instead, the helicopter shows up, the deer is given to the homeless shelter in town, she hops in a waiting brand new Polaris™ 4 wheeler, and heads to her trailer where her personal assistant waits with fresh coffee and brownies. We are led to believe that her expertise and cunning hunting skills will translate into deer spaghetti for everyone back home. What a bunch of crapola….
Big fire on the mountain tonight. Bear and Noah splashing red gasoline all over the woodpile, as Bear works himself into a frenzy anticipating the red fireball explosion that soon awaits. The dozer and gas cans are set near the fire as it is lit and rises it’s orange and red angry flames towards the sky. Bear is nearing his first orgasm as the controlled fire is now totally immersed in his soul and the night’s mysterious darkness. He dances here, he prances there, all thoughts of Raiven and the failed marriage burn figuratively and literally. The symbolism is pretty well shown in living color, that most of Bear’s inner demons and immense social problems can be solved by setting alight huge fires for him to react to. Why is the program even bothering to broadcast this? Isn’t there a person working on this show or network that sees this as an absolute indictment of insensitive, and possibly indictable material. I make no claims to set the blame of the fires that have ravaged the mountain where they live, but isn’t there a line that was crossed this evening? Actually, kinda on par with the rest of the stuff they produce, just looking for a good ratings and advertising share I guess… Anyways, the fire that burns in a controlled state is the paving ground for a new Brown house that will sit on the spot unless there is a bear attack, huge snowfall, crazy neighbors or one of any number of imaginary dangers that constantly pop up in this deranged show.
On to a more sweeter aspect of tonight’s programming, when Rain instructs us how to make some sort of maple sugar candy with a jar and a filthy pan. Just drop soupy hot liquid syrup into the snow, allow to cool, then eat the stuff till the camera stops. Then spit it out and grab a Twix. Some more forgettable idiocy from a forgettable character on a forgettable show.
Well, after all the talk and work of making a big fire to defrost the ground, so they can build a foundation for a cult house, we now get to see the results. Noah puts the end loader into gear and starts the testing of the dig. It seems at first that it worked, but around the edges it may not have worked. This is a setup for any possible backtrack in case the house is further delayed by that evil frost and frozen ground. And it seems to me that once the fire is extinguished, wouldn’t it just start freezing again anyways? Wouldn’t a constant fire be required to keep it on the toasty side. Nothing is resolved, I imagined if Noah found the ground suitable, he would immediately get to task and start digging the ground, but rather than that scenario, we cut to the Gabe storyline about his ring and the ostrich again.
Gabe gathers all his courage to look through the fence at the dangerous ostriches as they slowly starve to death in the pen. Miraculously he sees something sparkle in the sunlight. Could he do what others before him failed to accomplish? He climbs madly over the fence, instead of just using the gate, and discovers that not only do the ostriches not care about him, but that he has found the ring exactly where the filming crew laid it on the ground for him to pick up. He scrambles back over the fence and licks all the the dirt and bird crap off the ring and slides it back onto his finger. All is well in Mudville….
The grand deer dinner is prepared by Bird and Bear over a controlled fire, in the middle of nowhere. It seems the dangers of North Star Ranch are only dangerous when you point them out, as they are not giving a care to the world about bears, coyotes, snow, or anything else besides gorging their faces with deer meat and Jalopeña peppers. Speaking of snow and cold, Bear is wearing a tank top and there is no longer any snow on the ground. The happiness of Bear being Bear, and Bird fulfilling the promise to Billy of a simple hunt to cure all of Bear’s mental instability, is clearly shown in various camera angles and drone shots from far above. All is well on the Bird/Bear front. The family is there for Bear. But the rest of the family doesn’t get to share in the deer meat celebration it seems. Most likely they get the ‘spaghetti special’ that Gabe made last week.
Final scenes with the Billy Gospel, as he carries on about the family, the house, the values that keep his almighty cult cemented in obscure beliefs and phony devotions. All the while filmed in a studio location far from the ranch, as he again only showed up to laugh at Gabe in the ostrich pen, and to instruct Bird to get off her butt and secure some deer meat. His presence was neither offered, or asked for, yet again to do anything that would be considered useful. Ami again was a no show, except for the brief scene at Gabe’s emasculation by a bird. Matt is still on the sidelines waiting for his chance to redeem himself once again as the ineffective glue that doesn’t hold anything together. Mr. Cupcake only made it as far as the opening shot of the family, which is shown every week anyways, so I am assuming he is either asleep on the porch, ran away to better grounds, or has seen better days and is now a memory, that apparently I am the only one thinking about him.
Tonight’s show was disturbing to say the least, incriminating to put it mildly. After the mountain has seen the worst fire in it’s history, the producers in their constant greed to make a buck, decided to present a show with fires boiling in almost every scene instead of maybe, possibly, just postponing the show a few weeks to let the public calm down in their seething glare of daggers pointed at them and the family. I am not saying they are responsible for the damage, but have a little common sense please. Posting a disclaimer throughout the show about ‘controlled’ fires ‘months ago’ just doesn’t cut it. Have we seen the straw that broke the camel’s back in this disgusting quest for show ratings and the advertiser’s dollar? Has the public seen enough of the tomfooleries that these con artists pervade us to believe? Will Bear ever get another girl to share his stained hanging mattress, in his moldy, rodent infested container on the North Star Ranch mountaintop? Stay tuned…
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