So far this season, the Browns have seen a disastrous romance, an ostrich attack, and burning the ground so they can dig and lay a foundation. And of course, the many dangers that await around every tree, like bears and snow and whatever else the writers dream up. Is the end of the North Star Ranch and Psychiatric Clinic ? Will the Browns survive any more troubles and heartache ? Well, since they make all this drama up every week, I am sure they will be fine. Pour the drinks, pass out the snacks, get comfortable, and tune in to another episode of the silliest reality show on television to date….
First up is the diaper lesson to Gabe, brought to us by Rhain w/H and her simpleminded idiot, Noah. Gabe needs to understand the difference between hard baby poop, soft baby poop, and the poop that is standing in front of him talking. Rhain w/h makes a dramatic unveiling of three diapers filled with poop. Immediately everyone in my house went to watch something else on the TV in the other room. Rhain w/H squishes her hand through the various poops in the diapers giving a disgusting talk about poop texture, smells, tastes and consistency. Gabe, and the rest of the world are disgusted and repulsed that anyone in their right mind would do this. As he watches, the thoughts of a baby don’t sound so good to Gabe anymore I am sure. But Rhain w/H finally tells Gabe that it is not actual poop but just some assorted candy bars she has put in the diapers to teach Gabe, and to revolt him, in front of the camera crew. Everyone laughs and we move on to Asa and his intro into tonight’s, already on shaky ground, show.
Asa throws back a shot, plugs in the mic, and fulfills his contract obligation to tell us that the house that Billy won’t work on needs to be built, NOW, before the awful winter hits. He mentions a storm of winter snow, that could dump thirty inches of snow, is on its way and sounds a little concerned. The road leading to the asylum is going to need to be cleared, and needs to be done as soon as possible. Gabe’s invisible wife is going to have a baby and he needs to be there, and other mundane stuff that will reveal itself later on. Gabe comes on camera to tell us that having a baby is more important than anything else, so lets get the work started and done, so he can run off to wherever in the world his wife, Raquell is.
But first, we head up to the construction site and tell pirate jokes and fool around a bit. The gang is all there, pretending to drill holes in the ground, laying rebar, hammering bent nails into wood, and looking real busy until the director yells cut. Then the crew tears out the mess these morons have made, and start rebuilding things properly. Gabe licks some rebar.
Noah, Bird and Rhain/H are busy down the road cutting up some rebar for the project. Noah instructs them how to operate a cutting torch, sending red hot sparks into the hay down below on the ground. He gives the gals a chance to try their hand at cutting some, too. Bird exclaims loudly that she really likes welding now that she has tried it. Even though they are not welding, but cutting. Since all of the scene makes little sense, it is time to move on to other fabricated nonsense.
Bear and his ‘house’. Need I say more. What good can come of showing this pathetic troll doing anything that concerns his rusted, stinking hell hole that he claims to be his living quarters ? He starts off by digging into the stained and flea infested mattress on ropes and announces that the mice have made a home there as well. Delightful news. Now begins the other weak plot of the episode where he rants on about mice, big mice, rats, big rats, that sleep with him every night and scurry around his abode. Those dang giant mice and rats are everywhere. Besides complaining about it endlessly, he doesn’t really seem to do anything about it, except to pull on the ropes to swing the death mattress around a bit.
Bam is in the barn giving the starving animals their once a week feeding of left over ‘bush spaghetti’, while the others are shown doing simple minded chores around the ranch. Bear jumps over a fire. Gabe comes into the camera’s eye, wearing the same North Star Ranch shirt that he has worn in every episode this season. I bet it smells great by now. Gabe and his sister Rain are chopping wood for no reason, when plot number three is revealed. GUNSHOTS !!! Two of them !!! They look at each other while the off screen camera guy stops eating his Subway™ sandwich to ask if that is it one of the other baboons that live there shooting their guns. Instantly Gabe says that is not one of their guns, like he can tell the difference one way or another. The two stop doing any more chopping and head towards the gunshots to stop the evil intruding hunters on their land. They wrap a shirt around the axe and hold it high to make themselves better targets and disappear into the woods. Good luck evil, intruding, never seen and made up hunters.
It snowed overnight, it is everywhere, two feet. and needs to be shoveled for five minutes.
Gabe and Rain must have made it out unscathed, because now the group of chuds and chudettes are around a carefully controlled fire talking about the dangers that lurk beyond, and maybe into, their cult hideaway. And now that I’ve seen the campfire, I realized the producers didn’t post a notice about the big fire that ravaged the mountain recently and who to call to donate your help to these imbeciles. Eli starts crying because he just shit a candy bar, so Rhain and Noah split for better times at the hot tub in town and a movie later on. Noah does stop by his tent to inspect how the recent half inch snowfall has almost collapsed his used FEMA tent, but does nothing to fix it, and off to commercials about hemorrhoids, Alec and Kaleb and the adorable blankets for $19 a month, and more erectile dysfunction ads.
Back at the controlled campfire, the Brown kids talk about the immediate need to secure the property from interlopers, scam artists and criminals. Plot number three comes into focus as the group decides to erect a fence around the entire property. Forget the house, the snow, the baby, and let’s build a 35 mile fence that will keep them safe. Gabe and Bird snap into action. Get R Done ! They gather up some brand new rolls of stolen barbed wire, seven fence posts and head into the wild to construct a fence. For some reason, Gabe needs a stick, and starts looking around for one among the forest. Never mind that there are millions of sticks laying on the ground, he needs to cut a stick from a tree. But with what ? Bird says she has lost every knife she has ever had, besides every brain cell in her head. So Gabe thinks of the next best thing to cut a stick, a pistol that Bird has obviously not lost. After some discussion, Bird goes over to the tree and shoots a tree, causing the branch to die mercilessly. Now the snow has gone from two feet to four feet, according to Gabe, and off they plod off to their certain deaths in the snow.
Bam and Bear are working on stringing the barbed wire through the trees when Bear smells smoke. If Bear knows anything, he knows the smell of smoke. But where could it be coming from out here in the wilderness ? The sound guy quietly extinguishes his blunt while Bear stops working, and runs off to find that fire that absolutely needs to be found. Twenty feet away is a small campfire that has seen better days smoldering in the snow. He picks up a charred remnant and inspects, smells it, tastes it and comes to the profound conclusion that it is what he smelt. The filming crew laughs and that is the end of that.
So after laying miles of fence all around the ranch, we get to visit Bird’s depressing tree house and her cats. Lots and lots of cats. She starts talking to them because no one else will listen to her gibberish. She tells us their names, that’s Manson, that’s Bundy. over there is Dahmer. Then she rambles on non sensibly about rats and how she likes them or something, then spouts on how she can’t tell a rat from a squirrel. The film crew are mystified where this is going, so they pack up and leave her to her cats. Lots of cats.
Billy, and banjo music in the barn, with Gabe, a horse, and Ami. So finally someone dug Ami up and propped her next to the horse stall for an episode. She has two lines.
It took her, and an acting coach, three weeks to prep her appearance. She looks good, as good as you can get living with psychopaths and mongrels, on a mountain, miles from civilization, living on ‘bush spaghetti’, in a run down trailer with a con artist. They are there to teach Gabe the fine art of riding a horse named Diego.
Billy waxes on and on about how he has ridden horses his entire life, loves to ride horses, in fact, he would rather ride horses than do anything else in life. Except in six years of programming, we have never once seen him so much as feed a horse, let alone ride a horse. I digress. First, Billy teaches Gabe how to tie a rope around the horse, how to lead the horse out of the stall, how to walk the nag around the barn. Gabe acts like this is all new to him even though the horse has been there in the barn since last year. Billy yammers on about riding the horse, and the correct and proper way to ride it. I mean, for heaven’s sake, why didn’t Billy just climb on the horse, turn on the ignition and show the poor slob ? Since this is all about Gabe, we get a minute of flashback, Gabe edition. After listening to Billy explain the intricacies about equine behavior and its finer points, Gabe climbs into the saddle and slowly the horse walks around the corral. So after about three minutes of training, Gabe is now a qualified horseman and ready to go. Go where you might ask ? Well, the whole idea was for Gabe to patrol the property, on the horse, for the infidel human devil dogs who are penetrating the North Star boundaries. Of course they never are spotted, heard from, or referred to again in the show. Go cowboy Gabe, save the world.
Bird is seeking Noah and walks over to his snow covered tent. There is snow inside and out, and the place looks like the setting of a mad scientist. Noah ain’t home, so she lets herself in one of the many openings in the tent. She is looking for rat traps and finds one with the dead rat in it. She picks it up and inspects it, and off she goes. Rain does a talking head bit where she tells the world that her sister, Bird, is clearly out of her mind, been so a long time. Uh, we watch the show girl, no need to state the obvious.
The concrete trucks can’t get up the hill unless the roads are cleared of snow and ice. All six miles or more of it. Even though the trucks have four wheel drive and a gazillion tires that would make it anywhere. So they head down to the already plowed road and start getting it ready.
Bear shows up at the corral to watch Gabe ride the horse, wishes him all the best and goes off to either build a fire, climb a tree, tumble around like a loon or howl at the sky. Your choice folks. Gabe is still riding the horse around to get the feel of being a champion horse trainer when the horse simply gets tired of the idiocy and throws him to the ground. The camera crew laughs till they pee, then move over to Bird’s place to watch in unbelief as she cooks stew for her cats made with a chicken, some rotten fish, and the rat. I think we get the impression the whole idea is to get the cats to enjoy the taste of the rodent so they will keep the tree house mice and rat free. What if they enjoyed the chicken better ? I’d be worried that they would rather eat the pet chickens down at the barn instead, rather than the mice in her underwear drawer. She puts the putrid mess in a bowl, and the cats eat like they haven’t been fed for days, which is probably the case as she only goes into the tree house to film every few days.
Now that Bird has fed the cats, she and Rain are down on the road to hell digging up gravel under the snow. They plan on filling a bucket with gravel, to coat the entire six or miles to help the concrete truck maintain traction on its way up to the house site. But they better hurry, now Asa has predicted a massive storm, heading straight for the ranch, which will dump thirty inches of dreadful snow and halt the house build till next spring if the storm hits. Everyone scampers into fake emergency mode, when Gabe yells ‘Here comes the truck !’ So I guess that the trucks made it okay without the bucketful of gravel the girls spread out for nineteen inches. Bear runs through the snow in his duster.
For some reason, we go back two weeks and watch as Bird and Rain gorge themselves on Bear’s uneaten wedding cake. Some wedding cake, looks like a sheet cake for about six people. They eat it with their filthy hands, spreading it all over their faces, and then collapse next to a stump, where they go into sugar induced delusions and hallucinations. It really does make you wonder why they actually film this crap, it means nothing and is pretty gross. Oh well.
The trucks gather at the foundation that is now completely ready and start pouring the concrete, but they must hurry as the huge, ginormous storm threatens their very survival, Asa tells us so. The boys are amazed and astounded by the big concrete truck, they even touch it to make sure they are not seeing things. Everything goes smoothly once the crew backs the Browns out of the way, to let the concrete guys pour the foundation. The truck driver gets paid in salmon and dog hair jewelry, and then go home to tell their loved ones about the weirdos up on the mountain. They also warn their children to never, ever, go up that road to the North Star Ranch. The children nod in fear and trepidation.
Asa gets on board to tell us the big storm is over and we can all breathe a sigh of relief. We never even got to see one snowflake, let alone thirty inches of deadly snow. I was disappointed, I wanted to see a whiteout, hypothermia, panic and all the rest the way he built it up. So now instead of being on patrol around the ranch, Gabe forces the horse to pull the sled loaded down with even more barbed wire and two posts.
Billy does his gospel speech, house, Gabe, horse, family, baby, bah blah blah.
Gabe is back at the barn moving his things to be with his wife who is expecting their baby at any time. He really never mentions just where he has to go, I for one was wondering just where is Raquell been all this time, and why Gabe is still on the ranch for weeks before the baby comes. Some husband. He gets his coffee pot and his bottles of whatever, puts them into a single box, and says good bye to one or two brothers in the barn. I guess nobody else cares to wish him well as he departs. How does he expect to get wherever it is where he is going ? On the horse ? A bus ? Uber ? That is not explained, and is left for us viewers to wonder about, among about a thousand other things in this hot mess of a show.
A teaser is shown about stuff coming up ‘later’, the big fire on the mountain, Bird in a panic as they have left Billy and Ami behind as they run for their lives. Looks interesting and I will surely tune in next week to see the results.
Ah, the episode concludes, still no Matt, the Fullers haven’t shown up yet, Mr. Cupcake is still a no show, although at one point Bird did mention him, so I am guessing he is still around. A familiar pattern emerges of plans made that never pan out, disastrous scenarios that never happen, storylines that go absolutely nowhere. Kinda like preparing a feast and then throwing it all out. Till next week…
More or less…..
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