The continuing saga of the Brown family, their adventures, their highs, their lows, their descent into a madness never before seen on television. What does this week hold for that magical family? Will their goals be achieved, their dreams come true, their family united against the many dangers that mysteriously lurk beyond the shadows of North Star Ranch? Sit tight as we again examine, and ridicule, the household of the galactically stupid, and ridiculously idiotic, Alaskan Bush People…
Asa starts off the show as usual telling us all about what we will see tonight. Up on fairy tale mountain, the Browns must finish the house that refuses to get built, little Eli is having his first birthday celebration, and in case we haven’t heard at least a million times this year, a pandemic is raging all over America. Last, but not least, the fire that has been talked about so often is on its way to own the Browns once and for all.
Bam, Bear and Gabe are still wrestling that irritating wall frame and must come up with a solution to get it in place. Rather than rely on Gabe and his pulley system that failed last week, they decide to try it Bam’s way. His plan is to further weaken the structural integrity of the wall by cutting the frame in half, and then reassemble it with bent nails, rusty screws and duct tape once it is leaning at at a 81º angle to the floor. And it works ! Time to now get the rest of the walls up, so they call in the professionals to rip apart their feeble attempts to build a frame, and they get to work laughing at the stupidity of the Brown kids.
Over at the barn that the other construction crew built a ways back, Noah and Rhain w/H are planning a birthday bash with Rain and Bird. The theme is decided on and it will be a ‘medieval times’ party for all. Rhain w/H says the first birthday party isn’t really for the child, but for the parents. Man, I’m glad she wasn’t my mom. Noah dresses up in his Jerk (I mean Jedi) robe and does a magic trick which scares Eli, so they stop and return to their FMA tent to wrap Eli’s presents, a bracelet of dog hair, a dead rat, some sticks, and a half eaten Snickers candy bar. Noah carries on that his best invention is his child, his second best is the wedding ring he made out of Ami’s teeth, and a distant third is his mosquito hat.
Rain busies herself making Eli’s gift at her shanty, after killing a spider, she starts work on a hobby horse that is made from a log she found out in the woods while secretly texting her boyfriends in Hollywood. The delicate toy is carved and the intricate details are added in all of five minutes and then forgotten as fast. Rain explains that home made junk is so much better than store bought, quality made, and children safe toys. I’m sure the splinters and brown recluse spiders will haunt Eli till he in his thirties.
The stolen lumber arrives, and the truck driver refuses to haul any further unless he is paid in cash, rather than signed pictures of the Brown clan, so he dumps it on the ground and leaves. Asa tells a more fanciful story that the roads are a muddy mess, that even a four wheel drive heavy duty truck cannot possibly make it up the road. So the chuds and chuddettes load the lumber on THEIR truck and make it up the treacherous road without a problem, How does that work anyway? Rain destroys her glasses and Noah comes to the rescue with a piece of wire and a deer antler to solve the issue. Rain is most thankful, even though she just reached in her pocket and grabbed one of the many designer glasses she always has as a spare.
At the house, which has now has magically built itself, or the underpaid elves did it at night, or the paid subcontractors did it, the boys get to work. Anyway, it is time to put the floor joists on the second floor. But first Bam and Bear must dig through the snow to find them and carry them over to the house and lift them up. They struggle a bit to get one up, and then quit for the day to grab some pizza and ski at the local bar, while the trusty work gang finishes up the chore. Bear sees a woman while there, and asks her to marry him and she runs screaming back to parent’s house in tears. The police are notified.
Billy and Ami show up at their own show and discuss the birthday of Eli while brushing the horse down. Ami asks Billy what they should give the little tyke for his first birthday. Billy seems hell bent on giving Eli something that he will cherish and remember for his whole life. He has chosen an item that means the world to him, a watch, an old digital Casio™ watch he found on the side of the road a few years back. All it needs is a battery, a watch band, a new crystal and he will let Noah take care of that minor problem. Billy extolls the wonder of a grandchild, and hopes that young Eli will turn out to be just like him and the rest of the cult, stupid, gullible, easy to please, and totally subservient to his masters every oddball new idea.
Bird decides that Bear needs a lesson in parenting, and I prepared to leave the room at the first sight of diapers and candy bars, but no need, this time it is a sack of moldy potatoes found in the dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly in town. Bear holds the sack and gingerly feeds it a potato. The potato represents a bottle and Bear represents a sane parent. Bear raves on about how Bird is the perfect teacher for all things regarding parenthood, yet Bird doesn’t have any children and her only experience that I’ve seen is playing with broken Barbie dolls in the dirt. Bear mentions that he wants his child to learn to climb trees, howl at the moon and act like a jerk as he has become. After the cameras are off, the legal team steps in to have him sign papers and lay out the details of monthly payments, a college fund, insurance plans, visitation schedules, court ordered restraining laws, lawyer fees and checks made out to Raiven to cover the costs. Awesome!
At the never ending house build, Bear is now on the second floor with Bam as they prepare to figure out the nuances of a hammer and nails. Bird and Rain watch from below in horror as the brothers stumble around fifteen feet off the ground in the dizzying heights. Gabe strolls by to help, and the girls excitedly warn Gabe not to climb up there as it is terribly dangerous. Bam and Bear also scream at their brother to get down as he ascends the shaky ladder. They go on and on how perilous and precarious it is on top of the second floor up in the mountains. Anyplace else on the planet it is called a boring day at work. Bam asks Gabe if he has been sniffing paint as Gabe tries to pull his disgusting body up on the plywood sheet. In a talking head shot, Gabe explains to us all how he was with his invisible wife and kid back at their five room, four bath, luxury ranch house, with a swimming poll, tennis court, maid, butler, chauffeur, two Corvettes, a Harley and a pet orangutan, but left to help build the all important house. He felt it was necessary to return to lend a hand to the Wolfpack, and to earn his pay at acting like a second grader with ‘issues’. Bird and Rain carry a sheet of plywood around the property to look busy, while the real builders prepare to take over as soon as the jerkwads pound nails through their hands and bicker over nothing
It’s time for the weekly cooking lesson from Bird, as she pulls out a filthy pot and adds rats and seasonings and snow and weeks old vegetables. But her main ingredient seems to be butter, We find out she loves butter, she could eat a stick every hour left unchecked. She just can’t say enough things about good old butter, she most likely bathes in butter, and brushes her tooth with butter. It now seems to be a butter soup or butter stew as she cooks it over an open fire. This is the vittles for the birthday party we finally find out, and it looks, and probably smells, putrid.
The floor to the main house is done. Way to go guys behind the scene !
Out in the woods Bear is preparing a costume for the party. After careful thought and painful preparation, he ties a rag around his lice infested head and a larger piece of stained materiel around his foul smelling body and runs off to present himself at the party.
It’s party time on the mountain as the band of misfits try to act like they are having fun dressed as clowns and eating delivered food from Applebees. The stew that Bird made obviously didn’t past muster as it is nowhere to be seen. They give poor Eli his worthless and broken hand made junk, while Noah and Rhain w/H look on with silence. Then the real action begins when the group decide to engage in childlike swordplay as the parents sit back in their addled state and relax. Billy and Ami even dress in their costumes, Ami in her flapper getup, and Billy in his outfit from the trash behind the Goodwill store that he took when no-one was watching. Great fun is had by all. After all the fun, Bear rolls down the hill to a certain death while the rest look on and laugh.
A group campfire is assembled as Billy breaks the news that somewhere out in the netherworld beyond the borders of the enclave is a nasty pandemic called Corona virus or something. The kids are all attentive as they have never heard of such a thing. Questions fly as they inquire about the disease, will they get it? Where did it come from? Why is it called Covid 19 instead of Covid 321? Will we still get paid? What is the capital of Australia? Billy for once is as dumbfounded by it all, too. But lets get one thing straight Billy says, you must still pretend to build the house for me and my ball and chain, “Nothing stops the Browns!”. The food truck arrives, and everything grinds to a halt as they feast on King Crab, Rosemary fondant potatoes, prosciutto wrapped asparagus, chilled French imported wine, and a Créme Brûlée for dessert. Then off to the lodge in town to relax in the private Jacuzzi, cocktails and a good night’s rest in the oversized California King size beds specially ordered for them per their iron clad contract with Park Slope and Discovery Channel.
The production crew is gone because of the pandemic we are told, or they are off filming a new show “The Massachusetts Pine People” (coming in Spring 2021 on the Home Shopping Network), so the family is reduced to filming the rest of the episode themselves. We get to see a solid two minutes of out of focus, shaking camera footage of them carrying boards around and supposedly continuing building the doomed house. A title appears that it is one month later and absolutely nothing has been done, so I guess they all just ignored Billy’s orders to build his house. Gabe points out that there is a bird’s nest in the framing, but the bird even left because of substandard work done on the house. Little is done, and the story leads to other action down on the ranch.
It’s a bear, a big, tame, toothless, chained to a tree bear has been set up to resemble some sort of danger the Browns face on an almost daily cycle. Gabe has his BB gun pointed at the bear as Billy shouts at it to go back to its trainer behind the tree. He masterfully throws a stick at the poor creature, which by now has wet himself, and the trainer gathers his poor pet and leads him back to the trailer where a Xanax and some Purina Bear Chow await. The horror….
Everyone is excited as the camera crew returns to hand out scripts, apply makeup, distribute paychecks and feed the animals. The crew members tell of the exploits in the real world and how their vacation to Tahiti was wonderful. With that, the house is now taking shape as the pros from Dover once again start to fix the mistakes the Brown children made on the house, and earn their pay to do it right and up to code.
But it all ends when smoke and fire are spotted on the mountain….
I end here, because in all seriousness, there is absolutely nothing about a wildfire to joke about. I hope that all the members and crew of ABP, and the residents in the area, managed to stay out of harms way. So I will leave it at that…..
Tonight’s program was a mish mash of half hearted attempts to show the Browns are working hard and staying busy. The realities are something else as far as I can see. When you see them breathlessly working on the house, then seem to take a month off with nothing done once the production team is gone, speaks volumes. Billy and Ami seem to have taken a more involved approach in the filming, it is their show, their family, so good for them. The others relentlessly pursue other questionable activities that seem rather pointless, and a waste of time, being they are living alone, in the wild, on their own, in the Alaskan/Washington outback.
More or less….
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