ABP Episode Recap S03:E04 The Ballad Of Billy Brown

Alaskan Bush People - panning for gold

Alaskan Bush People - family photosThis episode was another in a long line of cuttingroom floor scraps from past seasons ParkSlop glued together and shat out in an attempt to squeeze every penny they can off these people before they go to jail in December. It was supposed to be a tribute to the life and times of BullshitBilly. Personally I couldn’t wait for this episode because whenever they talk about the past they stumble over their own backstory so much you need a scoreboard.

The narrator starts by telling us that, “…Living in the bush in Alaska wouldn’t appeal to most people.”  That statement applies to the Brownklownz more than anyone. We are then lectured to by various Brownklownz that tell us how hard life is living in the bush and it’s hard work and blah blah blah. How hard can the work be when apparently a Ketchikan construction company built your cabin on land that Discoverup leases from the land owner so they can ferry you out from Hoonah to the set for filming so ParkSlop can document how ‘bush’ and ‘self reliant’ you idiots think you are?

Alaskan Bush People - Ami and Billy art project

Alaskan Bush People - Ami draws on woodOK, enough bitching about the obvious. Next we see BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi working hard on drawing on a support beam inside the house. Wait, I thought last episode they were so worried about prepping for winter and needed to get busy working on important projects? I guess they farmed the work out to their kids as usual so they could sit on set in the cabin and do nothing but doodle. SpotlessAmi wonders aloud if her children will carry on their ‘family traditions’?

Next, Mutt, Bum, and AcidRain head to the beach to get dear old dad his favorite meal… Crab. Here we see how the supposed years of experience working on commercial fishing vessels has paid off for this braintrust. Mutt has to explain to Bum how to tell the Alaskan Bush People - Matt explains crab sexdifference between a male and female crab. We then get a nice lecture about how they have to measure the crab because they can only keep ones that are ‘legal’. Since when are the Brownklonz concerned with the legality of anything? Next week (December 8th) they have another court date to find out what their punishment is going to be for defrauding the state of Alaska’s PFD fund. Oh, and last check BullshitBilly STILL has not paid the fines for his citation regarding fishing without a license. In fact, a whole slew of Brownklownz were caught. So yeah, measuring the crab in the middle of nowhere and only keeping the ‘legal’ ones is soooooo ethical and upstanding of you.

BullshitBilly is elated because some friends of his from Texas are coming over for a cameo visit. It’s funny how ParkSlop trots out these people but won’t have any of SpotlessAmi’s family on TV. The next few minutes are spent giving the actual backstory of BullshitBilly and how he suffered the tragedy of losing his parents and sister in a plane crash.

It’s really a sad story. It’s hard to imagine a kid losing his whole family at the age of 16 and having to fend for yourself at a state-run school with no family support. That part of his backstory is delivered quite well and told in a way that is totally different from the other slew of bullshit that comes from this show. I think it was one of the few moments of honesty in the show’s history.

They reminisce through some pictures and he tells the detailed story of how his family was killed in a plane crash. Kudos to ParkSlop for producing a good segment. But, after that it goes all to hell (as usual).

Alaskan Bush People - Billys birthday surpriseTo cheer BullshitBilly up, the Brownklown boys decide to take the family on a surprise camping trip! Spoiler alert: It’s not a spontaneous surprise. You’ll find out later.

Along the way, they decide to make the Parents of the Year some iced tea. The moment is ruined when DuhVinciNoah appears wearing a top hat. A friggin’ top hat for Christ’s sake! He looks like a magician that performs shows at Hot Topic.

Back to the reminiscing. BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi tell the story of how AcidRain spent most of her life on a boat. This brings up some apparent bullshit facts. First, I thought Discoverup and ParkSlop told us they lived in the bush, now it’s a boat? Second, for having spent so much time at sea, this gaggle of miscreants seem to be incredibly inept at just about anything involving running a boat.

Let’s move along. The family tells BullshitBilly they are going to a spot that some locals told them was a good place to go gold mining. BullshitBilly is excited because he has gold fever. When they arrive at the ‘remote camping site’ they start out by stretching a tarp that will act as their shelter for the night. SpotlessAmi stops to tell another backstory about how the family started their habit of howling at each other, especially when in heat.

Alaskan Bush People - Noah wears a top hatSupposedly, long ago in a land far, far away, the Brownklown family lived in a remote wooded area. Never mind that whole ‘years on the water’ bullshit, this happened during their 30 year tenure living in the bush! Anyway, they find themselves surrounded by wolves. Fear not, Mutt has an idea that maybe of they howl, the wolves will leave them alone. It worked and from then on it’s been a family trait.

After listening to the story the family settles in for the night. In the morning they awake and get ready to go pan some gold. Good thing DuhVinciNoah brought along his bush top-hat! Seriously, how damaged is this clown that he thinks a top-hat is appropraite attire for a supposed camping trip in the wild?

They get to the stream, dig a hole, and begin panning some gold. BullshitBilly drags us back to season one where we see him and his friend foraging for a spot to pan for gold, thus cementing the fact that BullshitBilly has ALWAYS had gold fever.

Alaskan Bush People - panning for goldBum sees that DuhVinciNoah has not only removed his top-hat, but that he is sitting on his ass pretending to ‘meditate’ while everyone else does work. Like father like son I guess. Funniest line in the episode is when DuhVinciNoah tells us he is meditating because, “…It gives me the opportunity to elevate my thinking to a higher level.” Maybe if he concentrates real hard he can elevate his thinking to a slightly higher level than that of shitsall-retarded.

BullshitBilly finds a few specks of gold and the family celebrates. After the commercial, we are given a cooking lesson from SpotlessAmi who describes how to make a bush cake. We are shown flashback shots from season one showing her making a cake for AcidRain. In the end, she makes a bunny cake. I’m sure rabbit turds tasted better than the rabbit cake made in the freezing cold in unsanitary conditions.

As SpotlessAmi finishes her second bush cake for BullshitBilly’s birthday, he talks about how she has been considered the ‘Martha Stewart’ of the bush. Well, they do have a couple of things in common… they both cook and after December they will have both Alaskan Bush People - Ami is the bush Martha Stewartspent time in prison. Next we’re treated to a great double-entendre exchange regarding eating beaver. Here’s some entertaining excerpts:

“If you look at a beaver and smell the beaver, get close to a beaver… That’s what they taste like.”

“I went to the bathroom and it was glowing… I thought I was going to die until I got back and talked to Ami about it and found out that’s just what happens when you eat beaver.”

 “Matt cut his first tooth going down the river gnawing on a beaver.”

OK, enough jokes suited for an 8 year old. Next, Wolverine and Mutt tell us how one time they got lost and were scared by a bear. ExtremeBore and Wolverine show up and used some gasoline to light an extreme fire on the ground. This scared away the bear because as ExtremeBore tells us, “It spooked him quite a bit because they’re not used to that extremeness!” Whatever.

Alaskan Bush People - Bulding a stage for their showAfter the break the Brownklown kidz decide to build a stage and put on a talent show for dear old dad. Wasn’t that the plot of a Brady Bunch episode? Anyway… Wait a minute, ParkSlop! This was supposed to be a spur-of-the-moment surprise fishing trip, yet they somehow already had the lumber and cloth to build an elaborate bush stage to perform? OMG, ParkSlop isn’t even trying anymore.

AcidRain acts as emcee, DuhVinciNoah amazes no one with his magic, Wolverine impersonates Sean Connery… With head trauma, and Mutt recites 10 lines of Shakespeare. The show continues with more embarassing scenes of Merry Hannukah Who Cares Jingleheimer-Schmidt’s ‘jokes’ and a duet with her sister Birdbrain.

Alaskan Bush People - Ami got new teeth!Just like in the Brady Bunch episode, the Brownklownz’ little bush talent show raises enough money for SpotlessAmi to get her teef’s fixed in the off season… In Seatlle apparently.

After the break we are treated to some scenes from the rest of the season. Bum takes after dad and rams the boat into the dock, Mutt acts like an idiot, Madeline is brought in as an extra to play ExtremeBore’s date, and more.

As usual, the apparent end of the season has the Brownklownz arriving at their filming location home and finding it’s been ransacked. Oh-No’s! Looks like the Brownklownz have lost everything… again. Must start over… again. It’s the perfect way for ParkSlop to end a season rife with unknown’s. Next week (December 8th) the Brownklownz appear in court to learn the fate of their PFD Fund fraud case!

s3e4-14Maybe ParkSlop and Discoverup lost the lease on the land they had their cabin built on and have to move on. So much phony bullshit, so little time.

Check back next week for another bullshit packed episode!

NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.

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