Welcome back to another bullshit-packed episode of Alaskan Bush People. In this episode, DuhVinciNoah invents something we never see on camera, Bum rams the SS Grifter into the dock (like father like son), and Bear scares the crap out of two women in Gustavus.
The first segment jumps right in with ParkSlop embarrassing themselves and the puffy-shirt wearing pompous ass known as DuhVinciNoah by having him explain his latest and greatest ground-breaking, earth shattering, one of a kind, unique inventions… Running water.
Please, PLEEEAAASSE ParkSlop, stop trying to pass this self absorbed simpleton off as some kind of genius! From what I gathered from the show he is barely functioning at a 3rd grade level. Wait, that’s a little mean… To third graders! He has the brilliant idea of running a garden hose from the nearby stream and having it collect in 100 gallon plastic tubs he found in Hoonah. Then, he’ll have one of his thick-skulled brothers peddle a bike to pressurize the storage tanks so mom can have running water when she does nothing.
DuhVinciNoah tells us all about his new invention while putting on multiple pairs of glasses. I guess he thinks the more glasses he wears, the smarter people will think he is.
Next we see parts of last week’s episode explaining how horribly distraught the Parents of the Year are over their sons doing a hauling job by themselves. Mutt, Bum, ExtremeBore, and Wolverine manage to get the SS Grifter into Hoonah with little problems. They then begin loading the paltry number of scraps they have been hired to carry to nearby Gustavus. It includes a rug that Wolverine drags down the dock, scraping one end as he goes, and a washer and dryer. I wonder why this customer opted for a real dryer when they have a genius just across the channel that could build them a 55-gallon drum clothes incinerator? Some people just don’t appreciate the work of a genius.
After seeing the Brownklown boyz load up a couple of items for their all important, family’s future is on the line, need this for our business to succeed, BS hauling job, we get back to DuhVinciNoah, Birdbrain, and AcidRain as they head to the creek to get water.
Apparently this is something that has to be done multiple times a day and is usually done by Wolverine because he likes to lift and haul things without asking too many questions. They approach a stream and discover there are dead fish in the water, meaning they probably shouldn’t drink it. Birdbrain drinks it anyway because… Well, I guess that’s just how ‘bush’ people do it.
Acidrain (whose full name is Merry Hanukkah Who Cares Jingleheimer-Schmidt) and BirdBrain give DuhVinciNoah a hard time because he does not draw water from the stream the way his brother does. He tells them he couldn’t find anything else to scoop the water with other than his chamber-pot.
It’s interesting to notice that DuhVinciNoah no longer needs his cane, but still carries it around because apparently he thinks it makes him look smart. Sadly, it only makes him look like a shift supervisor at the Renaissance Fair… But without the glory.
Now cut to BullshitBilly and SpotlessAmi sitting down in their kitchen to talk about how much they miss having the boyz around to do work for them. This scene illuminates some obvious bullshit we’ve talked about numerous times in other episode recaps but for some reason it bears repeating. BullshitBilly is shown sanding down a countertop in the Brownklownz bush kitchen. He’s sanding by hand, hoping this will convey how ‘bush’ they are by using their hands instead of electric tools. But, ParkSlop as usual screws it up by leaving an electric sander in the shot right behind BullshitBilly. There also seem to be a lot of electrical outlets all around the kitchen area. Why do they need outlets? ParkSlop’s narrator tells us repeatedly that these people are living off-the-grid and wild in the bush, yet their home (built by a Ketchikan construction company on land Discoverup leases for the show) seems to have all the modern amenities?!?! Oh right, it’s all bullshit. Sorry, I forgot.
Actually ParkSlop and Discoverup may be wanting to make the cabin modern in case they have to sell it if the Brownklownz do jail time in January.
BullshitBilly tells SpotlessAmi how dangerous and unstable the SS Grifter can be when docking. They are both worried about how the boys are doing. They lament the fact they wish they had a way of reaching their kids just to find out how things are going. This again is complete BS since they all have cell phones and ParkSlop certainly has Sat-Phones at the filming location and with the production crew on the boat.
Captian Hazelwood, Jr. decides he’s going to dock the boat in Gustavus by driving it between a pylon and the dock. I have no idea why because there’s plenty of space to go around the pylon and dock. Well, I actually do know why… They’re stupid.
Comedy ensues and you picture Benny Hill Yakety-Sax music playing in the background as the Brownklown boyz take after dear ol’ dad proceed to ram the boat into the dock. The only difference is that they didn’t need to scuttle the boat and leave it lying in the harbor like they did for the Lorcan.
Now back to DuhVinciNoah and the wonder-twins as they start the first day of installing his original and latest invention, a gravity fed water system. DuhVinciNoah explains again to his sisters how this revolutionary invention will work. It’s quite simple, gravity feeds water into a sealed tank. Pressure is applied to the tank, forcing the water out another hose and into the
filming location house. I’m no Alan Einstein, but wouldn’t the pressure also push water back into the hose that’s feeding it from the stream? Wait, don’t ask too many questions. As you’ll see later DuhVinciNoah’s water system is another in a long list of dumb ideas that are abandoned because they are shit-stupid.
I’m not a hydro-mechanical engineer like DuhVinciNoah, but how much water would 1″ diameter hose allow through it, especially when it has to go uphill? Plus, they put rocks on top of it crushing the hose. Then they bury the opening near the bottom of the stream, ensuring it’s clogged before they get back to the cabin! This is just part of the evidence pointing to the fact that once again DuhVinciNoah’s moronic ‘inventions’ had to be abandoned (remember the self-feeding wood stove?).
Back to the other boyz. Bum abandons hope of docking successfully at the main pier. Instead, they spot a nice long metallic pier that no one is using… Probably because there are signs all over it saying that it is “Property of the State Of Alaska” and “No Trespassing.” I guess in the lower 48 “No Trespassing” has a different meaning because they waste no time in helping themselves to all the amenities the gubmint has to offer. I imagine the same is true for other aspects of their life.
Anyway, another ten minutes of ions are wasted transmitting the buffoonery and incompetence we’ve come to expect from this family. They try and fail many times trying to secure their boat to a very long, uninhabited dock. Finally they tie up the boat and put the paltry items for delivery onto the skiff.
The Brownklown boyz help the
extra local load the washer and dryer onto is truck. He apparently didn’t notice the end of his rug that was rubbed raw by Wolverine dragging it down the dock.
After that they head to pick up their next hauling job, a sculpture from local artist Stevie Wonder. Mutt explains that it was funny because, “… The Stevie Wonder I’m used to is completely different. He’s blind, he plays the keyboard, and is African-American.” Wait… “The one you’re used to”? How can that be? How much Stevie Wonder were you “used to” living isolated in the bush for thirty years? Just like they knew about Chuck Berry’s walk in the previous episode.
Stevie Wonder appears ‘impaired’ and isn’t done with the statue yet so he tells the boyz they can cut down a tree for him. The group selects Wolverine since he is the most skilled at tree cutting, which isn’t saying much.
Cut back to the
occasional camp-site family home where DuhVinciNoah starts work on phase two of his waste of time. BullshitBilly asks what all the different plastic pipes, connectors, and jugs are for. He explains he needs them to complete the plumbing project. It actually looks like the same equipment they used in Breaking Bad… or as they call it Breaking Bush.
This brings up another point. How come they have money to waste on hundreds of feet of new plastic tubing but they can’t afford simple plumbing parts like drain traps and connectors and instead have to use empty pill bottles?
The idiot explains he’s going to use the transparent pill bottles so he can see if the water is flowing. Only problem is that he hooked them up to the sink drain, not the faucet! ^@#%$ moron! All you’ll see is the water being drained from the sink, not the water going into yo… Never mind. The sad thing is that even though ParkSlop see’s what’s going on and continues to market this guy as a genius, they don’t seem to catch the number of moronic mistakes these fools make every week.
The next ten minutes are completely forgettable as Wolverine cuts down the tree with the help of his brothers, so let’s get back to the waste of time otherwise known as DuhVinciNoah’s invention. Next, they have to move the two 100-gallon water containers closer to the house. Where were they to begin with? Anyhoo, he, BirdBrain and Acidrain try to come up with a way to lift the barrels. BirdBrain, who is NOT a certified bush genius, has to rescue her hapless brother from another poor decision on how to do things. He thinks a rope / backpack method is the best way of hauling them. After nearly pulling off a David Carradine (too soon?), he realizes the ropes are tight around his neck and shoulders, thus cutting off oxygen to his already nutrient deprived brain. They elect to all chip in and carry them to somewhere (we never see them again).
In a stroke of luck, the boyz get a job building picnic tables. Okaaayyyy. But wait, look! Out of the blue and totally random two girls walk out on the deck to check out these wonderful catches! ExtremeBore runs over, breaking the record for embarrassing himself that was set in a previous episode where he dated not-so-extreme Sara.
Madeline laughs her way through
reciting her lines conversing with ExtremeBore. He is confused when she tells him she is from Arizona and there are no trees. Wait, I live in Arizona, and there’s a ton of trees all over here! She said she lives in the big city, so this no tree thing? Idunno.
The next bit shows ExtremeBore’s sad attempt to ‘connect’ with Madeline. He shows off his climbing skill… Too bad she isn’t a 9-year old and would be impressed with his immature show of ‘strength’.
Back to the
filming location home where DuhVinciNoah and his siblings are prepared to show SpotlessAmi his newest waste of time. His junk sink comes complete with a taped-on ladle that will keep water from squirting out the end of the broken faucet head. I guess the Hoonah Home Depot was closed?
Here’s the point about why I think his invention failed miserably. ParkSlop spent a lot of time having him explain this revolutionary, new idea and showed them laying the hose and ‘lifting’ the tanks. They NEVER showed the completed project or the hi-tech pressurization system he would have ‘invented’. They just showed them lifting a storage tank and then all of the sudden the sink is working! And by working I mean barely dripping water. But hey, let’s not take a second and show the tank full of water or anything that would validate the fact this buffoon’s invention was actually completed and actually worked. Just take ParkSlop’s word for it!
SpotlessAmi is thrilled that she can use a sink with barely dripping water. She doesn’t seem all that thrilled really, realizing her son has once again failed to deliver anything that is reasonable, effective, or time saving.
Next we are treated to some scenes from next week’s bullshit packed episode. Somehow the BrownKlownz get a bush trebuchet (an original, ground-breaking, earth-shattering new invention from DuhVinciNoah), a bear threatens their livelihood (again), and the SS Grifter takes on mildly inclement seas. Yawn. See you next week for another installment of Alaskan Bullshit People!
NOTE: Episode Recaps are meant as parody, satire, and humor and are for entertainment purposes only. Statements and claims in these posts are not necessarily considered facts or real information.